‘The Bachelorette’: Spell “instigating little bitch”

The Bachelorette
June 19, 2017

We begin right where we left off: with Eric the Good Dancer requesting that everyone refrain from having his name in their mouths, particularly and especially That Singing Guy, Lee, who through his twitter account has recently been revealed to be a Racist Little Turd. The Racist Little Turd delights in Eric the Good Dancer’s breakdown, revealing in the interview that he’s “not here to make friends.”

this-is-not-rupauls-best-friends-race

Outside, Rachel is having a conversation with PrettyBoy PitBull when who should come try to interrupt but that Racist Little Turd. PrettyBoy is like, “Dude, give me 60 more seconds,” and Racist Little Turd is all, “16 more seconds? Cool,” and wanders about two feet away where he makes a big show of counting down to 16 on his fingers. And then, the entire reason he HAD to interrupt PrettyBoy Pitbull to have a second visit with Rachel? was to give her her a chunk of wood that he inexpertly carved “ENCHANTING” into. Great? Thanks?

Inside, the other men discuss what an asshole this Racist Little Turd is and in the course of their discussion, the men we have an impromptu SAT vocabulary quiz. Complete this sentence:

Everyone is different. Everyone has their weird little ______________.

A. Quirks
B. Quartz
C. Quarks
D. Corks

I swear to God, these dummies literally are not in agreement as to which of those words is appropriate here. In fact, one of these Mensa members protests that it can’t be “quartz” because that’s an anatomical term.

Mystery #1: what part of the body does he think a “quartz” is? Mystery #2: Where did any of these idiots ever come across the word “quark”? Mystery #3: I’m sorry, is Golden Showers unironically wearing a purple tiger-striped suit?

IMG_7310.JPG

Mystery #4: WHERE DOES ONE EVEN BUY A PURPLE TIGER-STRIPED SUIT IF ONE WERE TO NEED A PURPLE TIGER-STRIPED SUIT?*

Anyway, PrettyBoy stomps inside and is FURIOUS that Racist Little Turd interrupted his time with Rachel so that he could have a second visit with her, and the more he thinks about it, THE ANGRIER HE BECOMES.

After the Racist Little Turd finally finishes his pointless conversation with Rachel, PrettyBoy Pitbull confronts him about using their friendship to interrupt him just to have a second conversation with Rachel, and Racist Little Turd is all, “And?” As PrettyBoy Pitbull becomes more and more enraged, Racist Little Turd remains completely calm which only MAKES PRETTYBOY EVEN MORE INFURIATED until he is screaming at a smirking Racist Little Turd.

Though she’s in another room altogether trying to have a conversation with someone, Rachel can hear everything and she is NOT. AMUSED. In an interview with the producers, Rachel breaks into angry tears at just how disappointed she is in the men tonight, how she is under extraordinary pressure as a Black woman and she does not need THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW.

And so that’s why Chris Harrison calls a premature end to the rose ceremony cocktail party and orders the dum-dums to line up:

Rose #1: Urkel
Rose #2: Kewpie
Rose #3: Tickle Monster
Rose #4: Diastema
Rose #5: Doll Daddy
Rose #6: Lengua del Amor
Rose #7: Penguin
Rose #8: Josiah, Esq.
Rose #9: JACK STONE!
Rose #10: No Socks
Rose #11: PrettyBoy Pitbull
Rose #12: Racist Little Turd

So goodbye, Diggy, Captain Literal and Fireman Bryce. You all seemed like nice guys and there is no good reason that she should keep a racist little turd over any of you, but here we are. Go get in the Van of Rejection.

i disgust her doll

And with that, we’re done with the McMANsion and apparently Copper as the next thing you know we’re in Hilton Head, South Carolina with nary a word of explanation, but OK. BYE, COPPER. SORRY YOUR MOM DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR BROKEN LEG.

The men arrive at their hotel and are given the first date card: “Kewpie: Our love is about to take off.” Rachel then appears and whisks Kewpie off to their date which involves having a picnic on the hood of a Jeep and going on a blimp ride, because Rachel used to love seeing the blimp in its hanger off of I-45 when she was a kid (me, too, Rachel!). Kewpie, however, is considerably less interested in a blimp ride as he is terrified of heights. WELL, YOU CLOD, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT “KITTENS” OR “CUPCAKES” DOWN AS YOUR GREATEST FEAR. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE?

They blimp. Kewpie manages to not throw up. It’s fine.

That evening they have dinner and Kewpie opens up to Rachel about his mother’s death when he was 15 and it is very sad and she offers him the date rose just to make him stop crying.

dont-cry

And then someone named Russell Dickerson performs for them, and they pretend they have heard of him before.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: “Golden Showers, Mr. Serious, Diastema, Lengua del Amor, Tickle Monster, Doll Daddy, Penguin, PrettyBoy Pitbull, Racist Little Turd, No Socks, Eric the Good Dancer, Urkel and Josiah, Esq.: I want to see who is ready for commitment.”

Note: This date has literally absolutely nothing to do with commitment.

Instead, Rachel takes the men on a boat ride around Hilton Head island, where she orders the men to strip off their shirts and dance for her, though it’s the men’s idea to engage in a  pushup contest and a spontaneous rap battle involving PrettyBoy and Diastema.

Diastema is very, very white, yo.

rapping ken doll.jpg

Rachel, in an attempt to discourage any more freestyle, announces that they are ready to move on to the second part of their date: a spelling bee.

latrice laugh lol

Because that’s what these half-wits who don’t know how to use the word “quirk” properly in a sentence are up for, a spelling bee.

It goes exactly how you think:

bachelorette spelling bee coitus.gifbachelorette spelling bee facade.gif

bachelorette spelling bee fantastically.gif

And this is still happening:

bachelorette doll spelling
ENOUGH.

Josiah, Esq. ends up winning with the not-at-all difficult word “polyamory,” and refuses to shut the hell up about it for even a hot second. In fact, at the cocktail party that evening, Josiah, Esq. pours his drink into his dumb trophy and proceeds to drink out of it just to make sure that everyone remembers who amongst them was able to correctly spell a five syllable word. He also manages to dribble said drink all over his crotch.

class class class.gif

While Josiah, Esq. is doing his best to make sure it looks like he peed his pants, Rachel has very boring conversations with some of the men, including Diastema and Eric the Good Dancer.

But when it’s his turn to talk to Rachel, No Socks — who used his time previously to “warn” Rachel about Eric the Good Dancer — uses his time to “warn” Rachel about Josiah, Esq. and how he’s too braggy.

I’m beginning to sense a pattern here.

you know exactly what I mean bachelorette.gif

No Socks Drama Mama then returns to the men and makes a point of telling Josiah, Esq. that he talked about him to Rachel. And I let him off the hook when he did this with Eric the Good Dancer, thinking that this demonstrated some integrity on his part, but no. Nope! I take it all back, and agree with Josiah that it is some nonsense that he is pulling here, this idea that he can talk shit about people to Rachel and then tell the subject that he just talked shit about him as if that somehow absolves him of being a little gossipy bitch who constantly talks shit about people. Nope! No.

Rachel next visits with that Racist Little Turd whom she pointedly asks about what happened between himself and PrettyBoy Pitbull. Racist Little Turd’s version of events is that PrettyBoy became inexplicably angry and aggressive towards Racist Little Turd simply because Racist Little Turd interrupted his conversation with Rachel. PrettyBoy even gave Racist Little Turd the finger and my word, Racist Little Turd has never been so insulted, he do declare.

pearl clutch ms j

So Rachel visits with PrettyBoy next who again raps at her, managing to work the phrase “brown-skinned attorney” into his rhyme at one point. He needs to stick with wrestling.

Rachel asks him for his version of what happened with that Racist Little Turd, and PrettyBoy explains that yes, he lost his temper with the Racist Little Turd, but he felt the Racist Little Turd used their friendship to manipulate him, and that when PrettyBoy tried to express why he was upset with the Racist Little Turd, the Racist Little Turd was dismissive and, you know, a little turd. PrettyBoy adds that he is ashamed of his behavior, and that while he did not formally apologize to Racist Little Turd, they did shake hands and make nice. Rachel wonders if they made nice, why did Racist Little Turd say that PrettyBoy was aggressive towards him and PrettyBoy is like, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because he’s a lying little turd?” Rachel does not appear convinced.

And that’s why PrettyBoy comes storming back into the group and, with a dangerously calm voice, demands to speak to Racist Little Turd alone. Now.

But we’ll have to wait for PrettyBoy Screams at a Racist Little Turd, Electric Boogaloo because we end this episode with the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED …

Below are the men who have been sent home:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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*HalloweenCostumes.com.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and really is in no position to make fun of anyone’s spelling ever.

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