‘The Real Housewives of New York’: In which a bunch of people we’ve never met come out of the woodwork to talk shit about The Countess

The Real Housewives of New York
“Bidding on Love”
May 17, 2017

We begin this week with Ramona doing a little shopping with her daughter, Avery. And because she’s physically incapable of letting it go, Ramona whines to her daughter that Bethenny just had to go and ruin everything by not being appreciative when Ramona tried to humiliate her on-camera talk to her like a real girlfriend about her very real problems. Avery calmly informs her mother that she can be a bit aggressive and suggests that she be the bigger person and try to make nice with Bethenny, you know, since she started this whole mess in the first place.

Elsewhere, Dorinda and Bethenny go furniture shopping and talk real estate and Ramona. Dorinda wonders if Bethenny doesn’t just want to put this Ramona nonsense behind her and be friends again, and Bethenny is all, “Yeah, no.”

And The Countess and Sonja meet for lunch where they are also talking about Bethenny and Ramona. The Countess confesses that she encouraged Ramona to try to talk to Bethenny at the bar the other night, and Sonja is like, “You’re a dumbass.”

bruno-shake-head-no-disappointed-can-you-believe-this-shit

In tonight’s episode of “Girl, What Are You Thinking?” Tinsley decides to go to notorious cougar hookup parlor, Beautique, with Ramona and Sonja.

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

There, Ramona orders a series of weird-ass drinks (lightly frozen vodka in a shot glass with three limes and a big straw and what the actual fuck) and demonstrates her flirting techniques to Tinsley who is like, “I mean, I am a woman in my forties who has been married and has dated, so I am pretty sure I know how to talk to men, but OK, sure, show me your patented lash-fluttering again.”

When Sonja arrives, the group take penicillin shots and move into the backroom where Tinsley immediately sets her sights on a Chad. A Chad is 23 years old and has zero business being in the back room of Beautique, but that does not stop any of these women from swooping down on him, touching his arms, laughing at his not-intended-to-even-be-funny statements and fluttering their lashes at him. And let’s just leave aside for a moment the fact that Ramona is literally old enough to be A Chad’s grandmother, so we can point out that Tinsley is old enough to be A Chad’s mother.

This, however, does not stop Tinsley from making out with this child at Beautique or from going on a bowling date with him later. And, you know, whatever. Tinsley deserves to have fun and who am I to judge the age difference, but let me just state for the record that I am just as baffled by an 18-year age difference when the man is the elder as I am by this situation. WHAT DO YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO IS 18 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU? HOW IS THIS A SUSTAINABLE SITUATION?

Sonja also disapproves and tries to remind Tinsley that if she’s serious about finding someone to marry and have babies with, maybe A Chad who is 6 months out of college isn’t The One.

And in conclusion, Tinsley, kissing someone whose mouth you just shoved food into and then breathily saying that he can feed her like a baby bird IS NOT SEXY NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE RAMONA IS RIGHT AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WHOLE DATING THING WORKS.

In boring as hell news, Bethenny is working on some charitable project with the Dress for Success ladies and there is a reception where Bethenny cries.

whitney-bored-whatever-over-it

And Princess Carole goes to a rock climbing gym with the Duke of Caponata.

khalessi s bored

Elsewhere, Ramona meets some ladies we don’t know, a Kathleen and a Missy, for the express purpose of gossiping about The Countess and Tom the Cheater. Seems that like the rest of the Upper East Side, this Missy woman dated Tom the Cheater, and, in fact, only discovered they weren’t exclusively dating when she caught him making out with The Countess at a bar. Color me shocked.

But God bless this Kathleen lady for saying that she “admires” The Countess for going all in and maintaining confidence in her decision to marry this cheating asshole.

lisa vanderpump tea rhobh

Finally (because I don’t care about The Countess getting her makeup done, I really, truly do not), Dorinda is hosting an event and auction for a sex trafficking charity, and has convinced the other women to donate various things to be bid on. Nothing much happens at this event, in part because it’s so big that the ladies are able to avoid one another if need be.

Of the notable things that do happen: a European fellow introduces himself to Bethenny and Princess Serene and they are like, “You know who you’d like is Sonja Morgan.” But of course he already knows Sonja, obviously. Then when Bethenny and Her Highness are trying to tell Sonja to go talk to Mr. European, Ramona sidles up to him and begins flirting. Ramona’s gonna Ramona.

Later, The Countess and Tom the Cheater arrive, and Bethenny who has somehow never met Tom the Cheater (!!!!!!) greets the couple, apologizes to Tom the Cheater for any trouble she might have caused him and then jokes about going to a wedding in Palm Springs over the holidays. And this was gracious on Bethenny’s part, I suppose, and it certainly will smooth things over between Bethenny and The Countess, but fuck that guy. No, seriously. He’s terrible.

 

Finally, while Dorinda is freaking out that no one is bidding on any of the auction items and threatening to cut off everyone’s booze — which is the exact opposite of what you should do at an auction, dummy — Princess Poland strikes up a conversation with some friend of The Countess’ named Barbara. The two wander off into the crowd, where Barbara, who has no idea how microphones work, tells Her Royalness that she is not looking forward to The Countess’ wedding, that The Countess clearly has something to prove and is would rather just go through with it and get a divorce than to call it off, and that the rumors are Tom the Cheater is still hanging out at the bar at the Regency. And by “hanging out at the bar at the Regency,” she means shoving his tongue down the throat of any willing ex-Playmate who happens to be wihtin reach. So, Mazel Tov, Tom and LuAnn!

Side note: Before this episode was broadcast, this Barbara woman requested an emergency court order to prevent it from airing. She claims that didn’t know that Princess Carole was mic’d, and assumed that even though The Real Housewives of New York was filming the event, that because she and Princess Radziwill weren’t on camera, her comments wouldn’t be recorded. Related: This Barbara woman is an idiot. The judge dismissed her motion to block, obviously, because we all got to see — or rather hear — her say a bunch of shitty things about her friend The Countess. So that’s kind of hilarious.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and always assumes is being taped by someone.

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