HEY TRUMP: I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS NEW CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS YOU ARE CREATING, YOU ASSHOLE.
So, it’s nearly Upfronts week, and the networks are busily murdering all of their shitty shows and renewing their less shitty shows and TV news is flying at my face left and right and just when I think I have the most updated story up over on the Chron another god damned show is cancelled and the point is I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO HAVING TO BE CONSTANTLY CHECKING TWITTER TO SEE IF OUR COUNTRY IS LITERALLY ON FIRE OR NOT. SO STOP IT.
STOP IT.
~deep breath~
Alright. So, unless you’ve moved out to the woods to avoid all of … this (and if you have moved out to the woods and you have room for one more, send me an email), on Tuesday Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey for reasons that it would be gracious to say were “unclear” at the time.
Now, anyone with eyeballs knew that Comey had testified to a Senate committee the week previous, where he said the thing that we all know: that there is an investigation into the Trump campaign’s connections to Russia. Additionally, according to The New York Times, Comey had just recently asked for more money and resources for the Russia investigation. This did not sit well with President Tittybaby, and within a few days Comey was fired.
But when the media asked why Comey was fired, the White House press stooges (who were hiding in bushes and getting eyerolled to filth) and Vice President Pence all had the same story: newly appointed Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein had recently sent Trump a memo suggesting that Comey be fired — and the LAUGHABLE REASON? Because Comey was so mean to Hillary Clinton during the election.
Except, that is not at all what happened and Rosenstein threatened to quit if the White House didn’t clear shit up IMMEDIATELY. So yesterday, President Blatant Liar sat down with Lester Holt where he said that actually what had happened was he had decided it was time to fire Comey, and the memo from Rosenstein had nothing to do with anything. In fact, directly from Trump’s mouth here is why Comey was fired:
He [Rosenstein] made a recommendation, he’s highly respected, very good guy, very smart guy. The Democrats like him, the Republicans like him. He made a recommendation. But regardless of [the] recommendation, I was going to fire Comey. Knowing there was no good time to do it!
And in fact when I decided to just do it I said to myself, I said, “You know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made–up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should’ve won.”
And the reason they should’ve won it is, the Electoral College is almost impossible for a Republican to win, it’s very hard, because you start off at such a disadvantage. So everybody was thinking they should have won the election. This was an excuse for having lost an election.
HE IS ADMITTING TO OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Y’ALL. RIGHT THERE. THERE IT IS.
And if that’s not enough, his spare press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said this yesterday during the White House Press Briefing:
Look, again, the point is, we want [the Russia investigation] to come to its conclusion. We want it to come to its conclusion with integrity. And we think that we’ve actually, by removing Director Comey, taken steps to make that happen.
THEY ARE ADMITTING THEY FIRED COMEY SO AS TO END THE INVESTIGATION. RIGHT THERE. THAT IS THE ADMISSION.
~deep breath~
So, this morning, President Traitor woke up and turned on cable news and was apparently shocked! just shocked! that his ADMITTING TO OBSTRUCTING AN INVESTIGATION INTO WHETHER OR NOT HIS CAMPAIGN COLLUDED WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RUSSIANS DIDN’T MAKE THE STORY GO AWAY. You guys, he actually believed this would make the story disappear or possibly change into an attack on the Democrats for losing the election:
But here’s the kicker: 6 minutes after this asshole was whining about the “Fake Media,” he LITERALLY TWEETS THAT HIS PRESS STAFF CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO TELL THE TRUTH before threatening to cancel press briefings.
Then, President Kompromat tweeted this little nugget:
So, to recap: our President fired the head of the FBI so that the investigation into whether or not his campaign colluded with Russia to manipulate the election would come to an end. But then the White House press corps were given a completely different story about why Comey was fired (a story that was a complete fabrication) which President Putin-Fluffer himself later contradicted. Then, when the media asked why on earth they should believe ANYTHING that comes out of the White House Press Office since they are a bunch of lying liars who CONSTANTLY LIE, Trump called them all Fake News, threatened to shut down press briefings altogether before threatening the former FBI director for good measure.
This is not normal. This is not normal. This is not normal.
And do not look away.
In Other TV News
I’m not posting this for any particular reason.
Here’s your reminder that Melissa McCarthy is hosting Saturday Night Live (from the “dumbest person in broadcasting” no less):
Saturday Night Live cut this decent Bachelorette sketch for time last week, probably because it didn’t give Chris Pine a chance to sing.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison sent this email out to the staff at Bachelor in Paradise:
But Steve Harvey has no regrets and would do it again.
Phaedra Parks is now claiming she was set up by the producers of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Ok.
Renewals
Cancellations
Check out the cancellations and other renewals over on this post. It’s being constantly updated as information rolls in.
In Development
- SMILF will be a series at Showtime.
- Unsolved, the drama about Biggie and Tupac’s murders, has been picked up to series by USA.
- Netflix will stream German series Babylon Berlin later this year.
- Lifetime is working on some sort of beauty reality competition to be hosted by Adriana Lima, called American Beauty Star.
- Fox is going to air YET ANOTHER Gordon Ramsay series this summer, Culinary Genius.
- Big Dogs, a series of crime novels by Adam Dunn, is being turned into a series.
- Mr. Mercedes will premiere on the Audience Network on August 9.
Casting News
- The Voice has declared all-out war on the new American Idol: they just hired Kelly Clarkson as a judge, y’all. And Simon Cowell is not returning to Idol, which, considering he’s busy over on America’s Got Talent, comes as no surprise.
- Rebecca Mader will not be returning to Once Upon a Time.
WATCH THIS
FRIDAY
Master of None: Aziz Ansari’s brilliant comedy is back for a second season. Netflix
I Love Dick: The wonderful Kathryn Hahn stars in Jill Holloway’s new series about a frustrated filmmaker in Marfa. Series premiere. Amazon
Anne: A new adaptation of Anne of Green Gables. Series premiere. Netflix
Get Me Roger Stone: A profile of one of Trump’s most eccentric advisors and master of political dirty tricks. Netflix
Hawaii Five-0: The Five-0 handle a sex-trafficking case in the season finale. 8 p.m., CBS
Shark Tank: Season finale. 8 p.m., ABC
SATURDAY
Eurovision Song Contest: The 62nd annual international competition chooses a winner. 2 p.m., Logo
Bad Moms: Just in time for Mother’s Day! 8 p.m., Showtime
Sinister Minister: It’s a Lifetime movie about a single mother who falls for a charming preacher who just also happens to be a killer, whatever, I just love the title. 7 p.m., Lifetime
Saturday Night Live: Melissa McCarthy & Haim. 10:30 p.m., NBC
SUNDAY
Once Upon a Time: The two-hour finale is lead by a one-hour special about the season. 6 p.m., ABC
My Super Sweet 16: So, this is back. 6 p.m., MTV
Miss USA 2017: I mean. 7 p.m., Fox
NCIS: Los Angeles: Season finale. 7 p.m., CBS
Chicago Justice: Season finale. 8 p.m., NBC
Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford, Father John Misty The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: (Friday): Tracy Morgan, Timothy Simons, Dan Auerbach Watch What Happens Live (Sunday): Jenna Dewan Tatum, Tituss Burgess
| FRI. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | The Toy Box (new) |
Shark Tank (new) |
20/20 (new) |
| CBS | Undercover Boss (new) |
Hawaii Five-0 (new) |
48 Hours: NCIS (new) |
| CW | The Originals (new) |
Reign (new) |
Local |
| FOX | Lucifer (new) |
Lethal Weapon (new) |
Local |
| NBC | First Dates (new) |
Dateline NBC (new) |
—
| SAT. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 | 10:00 | 10:30 | 11:00 | 11:30 |
| ABC | Monsters University | 20/20 (new) |
News/Local |
| CBS | 48 Hours (new) |
Training Day (new) |
48 Hours (new) |
News/Local |
| FOX | Masterchef Junior (repeat) |
News/Local |
| NBC | Stanley Cup Playoff (live) |
Saturday Night Live (repeat) |
News/Local | Saturday Night Live (Melissa McCarthy & Haim) |
—
| SUN. | 6:00 | 6:30 | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | Once Upon a Time (new) |
Once Upon a Time (new) |
Match Game (new) |
| CBS | 60 Minutes (new) |
NCIS: Los Angeles (new) |
Madam Secretary (new) |
Elementary (new) |
| FOX | Bob’s Burgers (repeat) |
The Simpsons (repeat) |
Miss USA 2017 (live) |
| NBC | Little Big Shots (repeat) |
Little Big Shots (new) |
Chicago Justice (new) |
Shades of Blue (new) |
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