The TV-Watcher-in-Chief had a bunch of things to say about Stephen Colbert, none of them were nice

In a recent interview with Time Magazine, Trump brought up Stephen Colbert’s cock-holster joke — you know, the one where Stephen Colbert said that the only thing Trump’s mouth was good for was as Putin’s cock-holster — and he did not care for it one bit:

You see a no-talent guy like Colbert. There’s nothing funny about what he says. And what he says is filthy. And you have kids watching. And it only builds up my base. It only helps me, people like him. The guy was dying. By the way they were going to take him off television, then he started attacking me and he started doing better. But his show was dying. I’ve done his show. … But when I did his show, which by the way was very highly rated. It was high—highest rating. The highest rating he’s ever had.

This quote is incredible for so many reasons, most notably the part where Trump claims he personally gave Colbert his highest ratings ever, because of course he said that, of course he did, but also the part where he simultaneously claims that Colbert’s attacks on Trump somehow both improved Colbert’s ratings while building up Trump’s base. Is that how math works?

Trump also had a ton of things to say about cable news networks and personalities:

For instance I don’t watch CNN. I don’t watch MSNBC. Scarborough used to treat me great. But because I don’t do interviews and stuff and want to … He went the other way. Which is fine. He’s got some problems. But I don’t watch the show anymore. It drives him crazy. I don’t watch the show.

I do watch Fox in the morning, and their ratings have gone through the roof because everyone knows I’m watching Fox. But they’re pleasant. And if I do something wrong they report on it. I don’t mean they – if I do something wrong. But it’s really, honestly it’s the most accurate.

CNN in the morning, Chris Cuomo, he’s sitting there like a chained lunatic. He’s like a boiler ready to explode, the level of hatred. And the entire, you know the entire CNN platform is that way. This Don Lemon who’s perhaps the dumbest person in broadcasting, Don Lemon at night it’s like – sometimes they’ll have a guest who by mistake will say something good. And they’ll start screaming, we’re going to commercial. They cut him off. Remember?

I’ve seen things where by mistake somebody they bring in a guest and it turns out to be a positive. And they go, I mean they get just killed. The level of hatred. And poor Jeffrey Lord. I love Jeffrey Lord. But sometimes he’s sitting there with eight unknown killers that nobody ever heard of. And CNN actually is not doing nearly as well as others. They’re all doing well because of me. But it’s not doing as well as others that are doing better actually. But Fox treats me very fairly. MSNBC is ridiculous. It’s just bad.

It’s an ability I never thought I’d have. I never thought I’d have the ability to say, they’re doing a big story on me on CNN and I won’t watch it. And it’s amazing, it doesn’t matter. But it really, the equilibrium is much better. As far as newspapers and things, I glance at them. They’re really dishonest. I mean they’re really dishonest.

Chris Cuomo is a lunatic, Don Lemon is the dumbest person in broadcasting, and Trump is the Schrödinger’s cat of cable news viewing, simultaneously watching and not watching CNN and MSNBC. This is amazing.

On to some funnies:

Samantha Bee introduces us to Our Weekly Constitutional Crisis: What the Fuck is it This Time?

Seth Meyers captures the complete insanity of Comey’s firing. Which was insane. Don’t forget that this was insane:

Stephen Colbert realizes that the Department of Justice has become the “Department of Justification.”

Conan has the recordings of Trump’s calls with Vladimir Putin:

Trevor Noah reminds us that he was the first one to compare Trump to a third world African dictator:

Kimmel thinks when we said we wanted Trump to be more presidential we should have been clear we didn’t mean Nixon. 

And for something completely non-political, in honor of Mother’s Day, Jimmy Kimmel has his staff read texts that their mothers sent them and it’s wonderful:

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