The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“From Dogs to Diamonds”
March 28, 2017
We begin this, the penultimate episode of this season where we left off in the previous, with Lisa Rinna, for no good reason at all, igniting the third and final fight of the night:
What Rinna is referring to here is that weird dinner at Dorit and P.K.’s house early in the season where she was cornered by a weird riddle-spouting elf before being psychoanalyzed by P.K. Apparently, at one point in the night, everyone but Rinna and Rinna’s elfen friend left the table, and though she herself didn’t see what was going on, Rinna is pretty sure they were all crammed in a bathroom together snorting cocaine. That’s why they call it the “powder room,” uh-duh.
Dorit sighs that this is ridiculous, she wouldn’t be having drug parties in the house where she is raising two babies, and frankly, she just does not understand why Rinna would even say such a thing.
- You implied that Lisa Rinna had a Xanax problem, not just in Mexico, but to Lisa Vanderpump at your husband’s birthday party, and she’s looking for some payback. But, also …
- This is Lisa Rinna you are dealing with. And what Lisa Rinna does to remain relevant on the show is say obviously inflammatory things and wait for the inevitable explosions. It’s her signature move.
And having planted this particular bomb, Rinna leaps up from the table, announces that she is done and, oh by the way, she’s leaving Hong Kong in the morning.
The next morning, the remaining ladies go shopping. At one point, over Erika’s protests, Eden buys Erika a rose quartz “friendship ring” to help “heal her heart.” And for half a minute the women think that Eden spent over $1000 on said ring, because they don’t understand how currency exchanges work. It is the only interesting thing that happens and it is just not that interesting.
Later, the women visit the ASPCA where the organization that Lisa is working with has housed three truckloads of dogs that they saved from the Yulin Dog-Eating Festival. There are dogs. They are very cute. People should not eat them. The end.
Back in Beverly Hills, Erika meets Eileen and Kyle for lunch where they rehash the Hong Kong fights, and Erika announces that she, for one, is happy Rinna asked Dorit if she trusts her husband. SOMEONE NEEDED TO SAY IT. Erika also apologizes to Eileen for melting down on her.
Erika was worn down from all the other fights, and she’s terribly sorry, she loves Eileen. Like an emotionally exhausted toddler having a tantrum on her parents after a long day at preschool, Erika took out her feelings on Eileen because she is a safe space for Erika. And Eileen is like:
Meanwhile, P.K. and Dorit also discuss the Hong Kong fights, call Rinna “schizophrenic,” and mock Erika’s marriage, which I do not appreciate as that is my job.
Erika films her big guest spot on The Young and the Restless.
And Kyle’s TV show shoots its pilot.
Finally, Vanderpump is hosting a VanderParty for Pandora’s new rosé wine, which, of course, will require Vanderpump hiring her party planner Kevin to erect giant pink VanderTents and fill them with VanderChandeliers and VanderArmchairs and to shove the miniature horses into tutus. Because, what, she’s going to host a rosé party without her horses in proper tutus? Don’t be Vanderidiculous.
Vanderpump has also required her guests wear pink, diamonds and wedge heels, which aside from controlling and gauche, is also a wasted opportunity to insist that everyone wear VanderPumps. First the swing and a miss on VanderPets and now this.
These Vanderules result in some interesting sartorial decisions, including Kyle stealing an outfit from her boutique and butchering it with a pair of kitchen shears; Erika donning a bright pink wig; and Dorit paying tribute to Viserys Targaryen by covering her head in gold leaf.
It’s a choice.
And then everyone arrives at the VanderParty.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and doesn’t know how she is going to wash all this gold leaf out of her hair.