‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: A roast to your marriage

The Real Housewives of New York
“Talk of the Town”
April 5, 2017

Me: “I may not be close to catching up with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but that won’t stop me from getting in over my head with Real Housewives of New York.” ~holds out apple~

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Welcome to a new season of The Real Housewives of New York, darlings! Since we were last together, not much has changed: The Countess is still marrying that cheating fame-whore boyfriend of hers and everyone except Dorinda still thinks it’s a terrible idea. Oh, and we’ve shed that Jules person, not that I even really noticed.

So let’s begin with Bethenny who since we left her has finalized her never-ending divorce and gotten her hands back on her Tribeca apartment which she has decided to sell for $6.995 million. Which seems like a lot of money! In fact, according to Frederik, her real estate agent who just happens to be on Million Dollar Listing: New York in what I am sure is just a coincidence and not some clever Bravo synergy, it is too much money. He suggests she list it for $6.75 million. But Bethenny is like, “NOPE,” insists he list it for the higher price and hey, guess what, she gets a full cash offer on the first day it’s on the market. And I think the lesson here is that Frederik is not very good at his job.

Later, Princess Carole pops by Bethenny’s place to meet Bethenny’s stupid cute new puppies, Biggy and Smallz, and try to talk about politics. I believe this was filmed in October, and so Her Royal Politicalness, like all of us, had no reason to believe that we would be trapped in the hideous waking nightmare we have found ourselves. So here Her Sereness is certain that Hillary is going to win in a landslide, because how could we possibly elect that orange-skinned, pussy-grabbing, illiterate buffoon? Right? RIGHT?

Carole, you’re going to want to get that Polish passport of yours updated, honey.

And Bethenny? If you’re sick of listening to your royal friend here talk about politics now, buckle up, baby, because it’s about to become a shitshow up in these parts.

The entire country in just one short month after this scene was filmed:

jordan peele cryinggrey's anatomy meredith crying
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Elsewhere, The Soon-to-be-Formerly-Countess and Dorinda meet at the park to discuss the upcoming wedding to Cheating Tom and how except for Dorinda, none of those other bitches on the cast are invited, ESPECIALLY Ramona who has been calling Cheating Tom’s ex to try to dig up information on him and MOST ESPECIALLY Sonja, who clearly wants Cheating Tom for herself, according to The Countess’ fevered imagination.

Speaking of Mrs. Morgan, Dorinda and The Countess dismissively mention Sonja’s off-Broadway show, “Sex Tips for Single Women,” sneering that as middle-aged women they don’t need advice as to what to do with cucumbers and bananas.

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When we check in on Sonja, she’s tossing her vibrator into the dishwasher, obviously, one should be hygienic, before heading to the theater where she is still learning her lines to her own one-woman show despite this being her last performance. Sonja is always the most Sonja.

Later, Sonja has Bethenny over to the townhouse to pick up the clothes she is donating to Dress for Success, although I am having a hard time imagining Bethenny carrying this pile of shoes and dresses to Dress for Success herself, and I’m preeeeeetty sure the charity would be willing to send people if Sonja had just asked. But Bethenny is there, going through Sonja’s 20-year-old loafers and denim pantsuits, making snide comments about the lucky women who are about to inherit Sonja’s stiletto hooker heels and crotchless sequined yacht pants. Also, we learn in passing that Sonja dated Prince Albert because of course she did. Obviously she did.

Ramona has a contractor named Mario come to her apartment to discuss making some changes, and she just happens to be in her slip when he arrives. How embarrassing! Even though she had an entire camera crew with her waiting for him to arrive! Anyway, the whole story here is that she wants to freshen up the apartment, and hit up this Mario guy for names of eligible men to date.

Dorinda’s second visit of the episode is with Princess Carole, who has allowed the Viscount of Radishes and two kittens to move in with her. The two women discuss the fact that Dorinda called Her Highness a “mean girl” at the reunion and agree that they should mend their friendship which was based entirely on the untimely deaths of their husbands. Then Dorinda mentions in passing that The Countess is having a bachelorette party in Miami that Dorinda will not be attending because she’s 51-year-old woman and no 51-year-old needs a greased-up himbo humping her leg, come on.

Dorinda’s final house call of the episode is to Ramona’s, where she is left waiting for her hostess to return from a lunch date in Ramona’s most Ramona moment of the episode. Over second lunch, Ramona claims that she “enjoyed” Fudgie the Whale at their last meeting, which is … difficult to believe.

But the real topic is The Countess’ upcoming wedding and bridal shower to which Ramona was not invited, despite her weird insistence that she served as a peacemaker between The Countess and the rest of the cast. Dorinda explains that The Countess believes that Ramona conspired with Bethenny, which OUTRAGES Ramona. If telling a friend that her fiancé is cheating on her is conspiring against her, then yeah, she’s guilty.

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Somehow … this feels relevant to more than just RHONY.

Ramona then suggests that The Countess and Cheating Tom like to have their “open time,” and goes on to tell Dorinda that the 30-year-old son of a friend of a friend claims that The Countess hit on him recently, but Dorinda is like, “OH, HELL NO, YOU ARE NOT DRAGGING ME INTO THIS. YOU TALK TO THE COUNTESS YOUR DAMN SELF.”

Dorit:

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Which is exactly what Ramona does. She and The Countess meet in some abandoned restaurant where after some boring small talk, Ramona cuts to the chase: why wasn’t she invited to The Countess’ bridal shower? And The Countess has an answer for her: because she’s been playing Nancy Drew, trying to dig things up on Cheating Tom. Ramona protests that people have been coming to her with information, and asks The Countess if she wants to hear it. But The Countess seems to already know what Ramona thinks that she knows: that Cheating Tom visited his ex in California. Ramona worries that The Countess is burying her head in the sand, but The Countess insists she’s a “strong woman.”

girl really
Ramona remains unconvinced, but toasts The Countess’ marriage anyway: “I toast to your marriage, I hope you don’t fall on your face with him.”

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. Cheers.

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