March 13, 2017
I knew Valencia was going to win this season of The Bachelor, maybe by the first episode, certainly by the second, thanks to professional Bachelor terrorizer Reality Steve. And from the looks of the poll results right here, I wasn’t the only one:
So I was neither surprised nor disappointed when This Asshole chose Valencia. For most of the season I found Valencia pretty enough but not particularly interesting. But then in the past few episodes she revealed herself to be overly dramatic, needy and exceedingly demanding. Is it too much to want the person you have fallen in love with and might marry to not be involved with other women? Of course not. But if that is your requirement for a relationship, DON’T GO ON THE BACHELOR. And if for some inexplicable reason you do decide to go on The Bachelor, keep those feelings to yourself and don’t have complete meltdowns at every god damned turn because the object of your affection won’t tell you that he is in love with you and that he plans on proposing to you when there are still four or five episodes left to shoot, come on.
But there are a lot of people out there who can’t believe that This Asshole chose Valencia the drama queen over sweet SOOEY! and to those people I ask: have you met This Asshole? I called him that for a reason, guys.
In fact, my sneaking suspicion about this result is that This Asshole was never actually in love with any of the final women, and he chose Valencia because he knows it will never work out with her. If he chose SOOEY!, she would have been on the first plane to Chicago to move in with him. But with Valencia, there are countless obstacles between the two of them, including Valencia’s refusal to miss a single Sunday dinner with her family, and one deranged President’s immigration rules. It’s already happening: just look at their body language during the “After the Final Rose” special. I am betting This Asshole is already insisting that he can’t leave his job or Chicago and is just sitting back and waiting for her to dump him, making him the unlucky-in-love victim once again. Because he’s that guy: he’s the guy that makes you break up with him because he’s too much of a coward to do it himself.
So don’t cry for SOOEY! She dodged a bullet.
We begin the three-hour slog, of which only two hours will actually be covered here, in the “Women Tell All”
holding pen studio with Chris Harrison introducing the “historic” finale, promising that “history” is going to be made on the stage tonight. And if by “history” you mean that our next Bachelorette Rachel meets four of her potential suitors, and one of these white fools says, “I’m ready to go black and I’ll never go back,” then yeah, I guess that is historic.
Back in Finland, This Asshole is preparing to introduce the final two women to his exhausted family, and he makes a bunch of “what if this doesn’t work out for a fourth time where shall I ever find true love if not on a reality dating competition woe is me” noises. He also does a conga line with a bunch of people dressed as elves.
Over at the house where the Viall family has been corralled, everyone waits for SOOEY! to arrive for her visit and reminisce about all the other times This Asshole has been dumped in front of all of America. “DON’T DO THIS TO US AGAIN,” his family warns. “WE ARE NOT FLYING OFF TO FUCKING BAHRAIN OR WHEREVER TO WATCH YOU GET YOUR ASS DUMPED AGAIN. IT’S NOT HAPPENING.”
SOOEY! arrives and she is sweet and charming and Southern and everyone loves her, most especially Little Sister, who has already spent some time with SOOEY! and given her approval.
… Which is our first clue that there is no chance in Hell SOOEY! is going to win this thing.
SOOEY! first visits with Little Sister and tells her that she is in love with her brother, and Little Sister straight-up tells SOOEY! that she hopes This Asshole picks her. And somewhat hilariously, SOOEY! tells Little Sister that she’s not going to like the other woman. HAHAHAHAHAHA except she’s not joking though.
SOOEY! visits with This Asshole’s father who asks her how she thinks This Asshole feels about her and SOOEY! is like, “I mean, I don’t know? Why don’t you ask him if you’re so curious?” (Except that she doesn’t say that at all.) (Except she should have.)
SOOEY! also visits with This Asshole’s mother and assures her that their relationship has been strong and effortless. This Asshole’s mother calls SOOEY! an honest and true person that she can’t imagine hurting anyone.
The next day Valencia comes by, and This Asshole’s family demands to know “everything” about her. Valencia talks about being from Montreal WHERE SHE INTENDS TO DIE and her job teaching special needs adults ALL OF WHOM SHE LOVES and her big Italian family WHOM SHE SHALL NEVER ABANDON. Valencia then bursts into tears thinking about their first date in the vomit comet, at which point This Asshole’s sister has to prompt This Asshole to take over, and he literally says, “I had fun.”
Valencia visits privately with This Asshole’s mom, where she says that while she’s in love with her son, she’s not sure she is 100% ready to be engaged, that she worries they need to get to know each other better. And that is correct! YOU DO. YOU DEFINITELY CERTAINLY DO. GO WITH THAT FEELING.
With Nick’s older sister, Valencia discusses the Montreal problem, and whether she is willing to move to another country. Short answer: no, probably not.
Meanwhile, This Asshole discusses Valencia with his father, and his father notes that Valencia seems very much This Asshole’s type. YA, YOU THINK?
Later, Valencia meets with This Asshole’s father who FOR NO GOOD REASON bursts into tears while he’s talking about how one must be selfless to be in a successful relationship which FOR NO GOOD REASON makes Valencia start crying and WHY IS EVERYONE CRYING NOTHING HAPPENED STOP CRYING.
And in short, the visit was a disaster and Valencia literally said all of the things that This Asshole’s family did not want to hear. Great job, lady!
The next day, This Asshole and Valencia go on their final date before the proposal where they ride horses and are stalked by Santa Claus.
QUIT BEING A CREEPER, SANTA.
Eventually they make their way to Santa’s workshop which, it turns out, is a weird dark little hut with a fire pit in the middle and exactly zero elves or flying reindeer or candy canes and is total bullshit. Then Santa gives them a plaque with their faces laser-cut into it with other people’s names. I don’t understand what is even happening here.
After, This Asshole and Valencia have another long painful conversation where she whines that she doesn’t want him to choose her just because he likes her marginally better than someone else and that she wants to feel “different” and frankly she just doesn’t know if she can say yes because that means she’ll be accepting that he had feelings for someone else and in conclusion, WAH.
This conversation carries over into the evening, where Valencia complains that the unknown is scary and she wants all of her questions answered and as long as there is another woman involved, this entire situation is frankly not romantic enough for a proposal. This Asshole is like, “Look, I know what you want me to say but I’m not going to say it, and you’re just going to have to deal with that. Sorry, we’re on a TV show, this is not real life.” There is more crying. Obviously there is more crying. Obviously.
The next day, This Asshole and SOOEY! go on their final date, and there is ice skating and there is cuddling and there is giggling and there are motherfucking puppies …
But the one thing there is not: crying. Not a single overwrought tear.
That evening, SOOEY!’s conversation with This Asshole is the complete opposite of the one he had with Valencia: she loves him, this is easy, this whole experience has been great fun, she’s ready to get married, she will definitely say yes when he asks her.
She doesn’t stand a chance.
The next day, This Asshole has his third visit with Neil “I Can’t Believe I’m Giving This Asshole ANOTHER Ring” Lane who has the funniest line of the night when he tells This Asshole that “everyone is rooting” for him. LOLOLOLOL NOPE. Not even a little bit.
Then it’s time for the big dumping/proposal which fortunately will not be held outside in the Arctic, but instead in some banquet room that has been covered in animal skins, branches and antlers. So many antlers. All of the antlers.
As the other women stand on their balconies and stare off into snowbanks while internal monologuing about how excited they are to marry This Asshole, This Asshole cries and cries and cries and CRIES and cries because that is the only thing that he is actually good at.
The first limo arrives and you’re going to be shocked by this, but it’s SOOEY!. Chris Harrison greets her with all the cheer of a funeral director before taking her coat and shoving her into the antler room. There, This Asshole is waiting for her and he is already crying before she begins her big speech to him about how this is the “easy love” that her father always wanted for her and how she could not be more sure about him.
“Yeah …. ” This Asshole mumbles before going into a meandering speech about how he kept thinking about their date and something about a chair and he just respects her so much and he has so much love for her and the point of this story is that he is not proposing to her, sorry. SOOEY!, class act to the end, tells him that she will never regret letting him know how she felt about him. Then, when he says he is going to miss her, SOOEY! pulls a Han Solo on his ass.
And that was the moment I finally fell in love with SOOEY! Girl, you were smart and sweet and fun and while I disagreed with some of your sartorial choices, you were the OBVIOUS choice. Or you were for someone who actually wanted to be in a relationship and not a manufactured death spiral.
Girl, I can not wait for you to be drinking margaritas on that beach in Mexico with Rachel’s castoffs while deleting unread text messages from This Asshole after this whole thing with Valencia blows up in T-minus 1 hour.
Oh, and give her back her coat, Chris Harrison. You think I didn’t notice you stealing her coat? WRONG.
Then Valencia arrives and This Asshole is already crying because he knows that all of this is a sham and a lie, but he has to go through with it anyway, and blah blah blah, he remembers the first time he saw her and when he started falling in love with her and blah blah when he sees her he sees his future and blah. Valencia responds with her own tears and speech about how she never believed she’d have this kind of love and he finally proposes and offers her the final rose and they are SO HAPPY YOU GUYS EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND THIS IS FOREVER.
I swear to God, This Asshole, if you show up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer…
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:
And here is the woman along with her nickname who is stuck pretending that she is dating This Asshole:
The Bachelor was on ABC and needs to make Nick Viall sign something promising that he is never coming back.