March 6, 2017
“The Women Tell All”
Because I am your friend, I am going to save you a bunch of time reading a recap of the tedious montagapalooza/shriekfest that is the annual “The Women Tell All” special and just share with you the best thing about the entire episode:
That’s it! You’re done! OK goodbye now!
But if you’re a glutton for punishment and just have to know what happened during the series of boring montages interrupted by an occasional argument, fine: a sociopathic narcissist somehow won the love of the crowd and her fellow competitors while the smart expert is dismissed as a snobby know-it-all. It was the 2016 election all over again.
We begin this waste of time with the Bachelor tradition that wastes the most time: the pop-ins on viewing parties. But rather of wasting our time writing/reading about This Asshole wandering into strangers’ homes and then hanging out with some, but not all, of the Backstreet Boys, I’d rather discuss Chris Harrison’s and This Asshole’s (and all of the Bachelors’) mode of transportation for the pop-ins: a party bus. Why? It’s literally just This Asshole and Chris Harrison and maybe a producer and cameraman driving around Los Angeles for a couple of hours. Why do they need that whole empty party bus? It would be one thing if they invited some of the more interesting people they meet at the viewing parties to come with them, or if they picked up former contestants along on the way, or if they had the Backstreet Boys give a mini-concert inside the party bus. But NOPE! It’s just Chris Harrison and This Asshole riding around L.A. alone in the saddest and least partying party bus of all time.
Back in the Bachelor studio, Chris Harrison introduces some, but not all, of the contestants from this season. Sorry, Angela! Too bad, Briana! It’s a shame, Ida Marie! Condolences, Other Jasmine! Oh well, Lauren! Pity, Michelle! So sad, Olivia! Maybe next time, Susannah! I would have used their nicknames, but let’s be honest, you don’t remember any of these women and the nicknames would have been utterly meaningless.
The women that were memorable enough to be invited include: Ballsy, One-Night Stand, Ja’ime Private School Girl, Hot Dog, Cameltoe, Terror Watch List, Left Shark, Chipotle, Seen the Breasts? No Panties, Taylor with the Smart Friends, Runner-Up, Warrior Dancer, Nurse Boring, CorWin, That Whitney Lady, Boobs McGee, and Olya Povlatsky. And of those women, you probably only remember 11, maybe 12, am I right? Hell, I barely remembered why I called Chipotle that and IT WAS MY NICKNAME FOR HER.
We begin with a general, “here’s what happened this season” montage, after which Chris Harrison asks the women when, exactly, the drama with CorWin officially began. “The moment she took her bikini top off,” is the reasonable answer for some women; “The time she slept through the rose ceremony,” is the reasonable answer for the rest. This quickly devolves into the women arguing amongst themselves about boobs and naps and whether CorWin is mature enough to be in a relationship with This Asshole in the first place and WHO IS TAYLOR TO JUDGE (aside from having a master’s in psychology and being a practicing therapist) HUH?
But all of that will have to wait, because first Chris Harrison needs to grill One-Night Stand about her one-night stand with This Asshole. And I’m pleased to report that since we saw her last, One-Night Stand has improved her story! She was still hung up on someone else when she slept with This Asshole, you see, and that’s why she didn’t want to give This Asshole her number. But when she saw This Asshole was going to be The Bachelor, she signed up to be on the show not to be famous, but because she thought they were both at the same place finally. And, by the way, she (sorta) DID (kinda) try to reach out to him (maybe), but he was very busy drinking margaritas in Paradise and preparing to be the Bachelor, so, you see, it was really The Producers’ fault she couldn’t get in touch.
One-Night Stand then starts talking about how being outed as a stereotypically drunk bridesmaid who made stereotypically questionable decisions had repercussions for her when she returned to her small hometown in Nebraska, i.e. she was slut-shamed by her family and community. This turns into a teary empowerment speech about being true to oneself and finding a man who doesn’t care about your sexual history and only loves you for being you. Which is when No Panties starts hollering from the peanut gallery they all love One-Night Stand and the person she is and the fact that when One-Night Stand is not drunkenly hooking up with D-list reality stars, she spends her time building orphanages. Who knew? Not us, because the show never bothered to mention it, instead making One-Night Stand to be some sort of stalker lite.
Next up in Chris Harrison’s Chair of Pointed Questions: Taylor with the Smart Friends. My first question for Taylor would be, “And how did your friends welcome you when you returned home? Did they greet you at the airport with ‘WE TOLD YOU SO’ signs? Because that’s EXACTLY what I would have done.”
Instead, after running through the Taylor/CorWin montage, Chris Harrison asks her what she thinks, and to Taylor’s credit, the first thing she says is that she was not happy with some of her behavior. After Taylor somewhat dubiously claims that she started off on the show trying to help CorWin, Chris Harrison asks her about the term “emotional intelligence” and Taylor with the Smart Friends has to explain for THE THOUSANDTH FUCKING TIME that it is about one’s ability to regulate their emotions, understand other people’s emotions and to have empathy. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? But because CorWin has the mind of a never-disciplined-9-year-old, she continues to only hear the word “intelligence” and stubbornly continues to believe that Taylor is saying she is a dummy.
And then, somewhat surprisingly, the other women turn on Taylor with the Smart Friends, yelling out that she’s a bully and a snob. While they are screaming insults, CorWin pulls a Real Housewife Reunion power move: she gets up from her seat and walks off the set. CALLING ANDY COHEN: YOU HAVE YOUR NEXT STAR. Except instead of fake crying off stage somewhere, CorWin goes to her dressing room and retrieves a glass of champagne which she brings back to her seat to the cheers of the crowd.
Taylor with the Smart Friends then tells Chris Harrison that she would like CorWin to just acknowledge that the awful things she said about her impacted Taylor’s life and career. But, as Taylor well knows since she diagnosed CorWin herself, CorWin is completely incapable of even recognizing that she has faults, so instead of apologizing, she keeps harping on the false idea that Taylor called her “not intelligent.” WHICH SHE NEVER DID. ALTERNATIVE FACTS, Y’ALL.
Recognizing that this end of the conversation is going nowhere, Chris Harrison invites CorWin to his Chair of Interrogation. There, CorWin defends her “sexxxy” behavior as just doing what she thought she needed to do to get This Asshole’s attention, she should be taken seriously, not literally. And to be fair to CorWin, it did work.
CorWin then claims that she wasn’t napping during the rose ceremony — she was having an anxiety attack and hyperventilating.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Chris Harrison pointedly asks CorWin what she thinks the animosity towards her from the women is really about, and she just does not have any idea, Chris Harrison, she’s never said a bad thing about anyone ever in all of time and history. At this, the peanut gallery erupts, reminding CorWin that she called Taylor with the Smart Friends a “swamp monster” and a bitch. Mulitple times. CorWin whines to Chris Harrison that she doesn’t want to deal with “this” and complains that the women are talking over her, because she’s never seen one of these “Women Tell All” specials, clearly.
Chris Harrison redirects her to the Taylor question, and CorWin admits that she’s not “the brightest crayon in the box” (NOT HOW THAT EXPRESSION GOES, BABYGIRL) but that she’s never had someone tell her that she was dumb. Taylor protests again that it’s not what she said, but somehow this devolves into an argument AGAIN about naps because this is how a petulant toddler without object permanence argues — which is exactly why you don’t get into arguments with petulant toddlers. And somehow, SOMEHOW, all of this ends with Taylor with the Smart Friends tearfully apologizing to the other women for being aloof and to CorWin for saying that she wouldn’t be friends with her outside of the show. As for CorWin, she insists that she has nothing to apologize for. CorWin: “Thanks, but fuck you, Taylor.”
Chris Harrison moves on to the other pressing CorWin question: You have a nanny? CorWin is able to explain that it was the only word she could think of that didn’t belittle Raquel’s role in her family, as she’s more than just a housekeeper. In fact, Raquel was there for CorWin when her mother was close to death with cancer, so back up, assholes. CorWin then passes out “cheese pasta” to the entire audience; this fails to clarify what, exactly, “cheese pasta” actually is, however. So many questions.
Next in Chris Harrison’s Chair of Softballs: Olya Povlatsky. After watching her montage, Olya is in tears,
having seen how she was used for cheap feels by the Producers admitting that she doesn’t open herself up that easily. She then repeats a bunch of the same stuff she told This Asshole on their date about “living in color,” i.e., not becoming a prostitute. Out of nowhere, in the peanut gallery, One-Night Stand begins bawling like a crazy person, and begins yelling about how beautiful and strong Olya is, and about privilege and how they as women need to build each other up, not tear each other down. Which, great, super thoughts, but do you even know what show you are on right now, honey?
This Asshole is then brought out to Chris Harrison’s Chair of OH SHIT YOU DONE DID IT NOW SON. After noting that this is his first “Tell All” special, This Asshole is hit with his first question from Cameltoe (I think), who demands to know why he spent his entire conversation with her asking her about Hot Dog.
As for Olya, she has a few questions for This Asshole:
- Did we have chemistry? (Yes.)
- Did we have fun? (Yes.)
- Did we have an intellectual connection? (Yes.)
- THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Similarly, Boobs McGee would like to know why she was chosen to go on a 2-on-1 date after they had such a great 1-on-1.
Chipotle, out of left field, demands to know why he was such a goddamned disappointment.
Finally, Terror Watch List asks if he found what he was looking for — the easiest of easy questions!
Cool. Very enlightening. Great job. A++++ job.
And then there are bloopers but I don’t write about bloopers.
Finally, Rachel, J.D. comes out and the peanut gallery LOVES HER. I literally don’t know if there has been a Bachelorette that has been more popular with her fellow contestants than Rachel, J.D., these girls are practically in tears when they see her.
She blah blah blahs to Chris Harrison about looking for a man who will make her laugh, someone who is secure and confident and ready to get married. And the peanut gallery begins yelling that they’ll take her leftovers. Oh, ladies, you definitely will in 5 short months on Bachelor in Paradise, don’t you worry.
Chris Harrison then addresses the fact that Rachel, J.D. is their first black Bachelor or Bachelorette ever, and after bursting out laughing at the woman in the shark costume that she just now noticed in the audience …
… Rachel, J.D. humbly responds that she is honored and ready. Instead of me, a white woman, trying to add something intelligent about this, may I point you to this great NPR piece about how this historic move by ABC reveals how the entire Bachelor system is basically systemic racism writ small.
And then they bring This Asshole back out one more time to tell Rachel, J.D. that her suitors are very lucky and that she is an amazing person and also, too:
Alright, friends! All we have left is the finale and the pointless “After the Rose” special. I’m going to be in a gambling town at the time, so I’m going to go to a casino, find a sports betting site and put my money on seeing this one last time:
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:
And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:
The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and needs to go sanitize everything immediately.