The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
December 20, 2106
For reasons that I suspect include, “We have to stretch out this season some 22+ episodes somehow,” we spend a good 3/4 of this episode following Lisa Rinna and Kyle Richards around New York City where they do virtually nothing. Ostensibly, Kyle is there to work on her next boutique, “Kyle by Alene Three” (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? HIGH FIVE), and Lisa Rinna is there to help her daughter’s modeling career, but really what they are doing is boring the crap out of me.
Kyle brings her middle-ish daughter, Sophia, along with her to New York so she can be sullen and bitch about not liking fruit and freak out about bugs. She seems fun.
Later, Kyle and her partner who is not named Alene? Somehow? I’m very confused about the whole “by Alene Too” thing, to be completely honest. Anyway, Kyle and her partner check out the space where the store is going to go, which is an empty mess, and Lisa Rinna stops by to remind us all for the forty-thousandth time that she once had boutiques, too. WE KNOW. THEY FAILED. GIRL, IT’S JUST NOT THAT INTERESTING OF A STORY. Rinna then mentions that Harry Hamlin built everything in her stores, because Harry Hamlin can do everything. This leads to a montage of some of the women suggesting things that Harry Hamlin could do for them:
Vanderpump: Attend to her VanderPlumbing
Erika: Reorganize her underwear drawer
Donald Trump: Build him a decent Cabinet
Later, Rinna takes her lovely older daughter Delilah to meet with a modeling casting agent, and Rinna, God bless her, spends the entire meeting talking about what a weird head Delilah had as a baby thanks to her narrow birth canal. The words “vaginal” and “squished” and “birth canal” and “deformed” and “elongated” are all uttered, and it is amazing.
Delilah the entire time:
Later, Rinna and her daughters meet with Kyle and her daughter for dinner. Rinna announces the real purpose of her New York trip: she has to do QVC in the morning and she’s leaving her daughters to their own devices in the city while she’s hawking cheap shawls or leggins or whatever the hell she sells. Her daughters immediately demonstrate why this is a terrible idea by revealing that Delilah is on a dating site and interacting with 35-year-old men. So have a great trip to West Chester, Rinna! Your girls are definitely making good choices and there is nothing about which you should be concerned!
Oh, and we also learn that Delilah is probably all of 5’6″ so good luck with that modeling career, honey.
In other boring-as-ass stories, Eileen grieves her mother, visits her mother’s home one last time before it is sold, and sees a therapist because she feels embarrassed for feeling sad that her mother died. In the past four years, this poor woman has lost two sisters, her brother, a niece, a cousin, her father-in-law and her mother, which is a lot of loss. Too much loss! So much loss. Maybe stop with all the losing.
Meanwhile, Erika is still working on her music video.
Over in Lisa Vanderpump’s Vanderworld, it’s almost Grandpa Ken’s 190th birthday, so she and Dorit go watch shopping. After admiring and thankfully rejecting a watch that was regurgitated by some sort of diamond beast and cost — and I’m not even kidding — $920,000, Lisa ends up choosing a VanderWatch that merely costs $25,000, which almost seems reasonable once you’ve seen a watch that costs nearly a million dollars.
Later, Lisa presents the VanderWatch to Grandpa Ken and he’s just relieved that it’s not more VanderCreatures for their petting VanderZoo because there are only so many animal VanderDroppings one centenarian should be forced to have to step around just to go pick up the newspaper.
Lisa and Grandpa Ken then discuss their son Max, and how they are going to buy him his own Vanderpartment, explaining that they expect their children to work hard and struggle and support themselves and they want them to live a life of luxury. So, yeah. All of this just makes VanderSense. Too much VanderSense, if you really think about it.
As for Dorit, we spend a solid eleventy-seven minutes watching her hand her baby off to one nanny, order another nanny to pack a snack, order yet another nanny to put her son’s car seat in her car and then retrieve her son from yet another nanny who had taken the toddler to speech therapy because her 2-year-old is going to speech therapy, attempt to put the toddler into said car seat so as to drive him to the park, only to have the toddler throw a tantrum because he is not being allowed to drive the car himself to the park and then give up on the outing altogether. Just a very good use of all of our time, guys.
Real talk: when the cameras aren’t around, how often do you think Dorit actually drives with little Jagger on her lap just to avoid the tantrums? It’s not impossible, right?
So then late in the episode, Kyle, Lisa Vanderpump, Grandpa Ken, Dorit, P.K. and Erika meet at Pump to pregame before headed to a white party (which, honestly, describes pretty much any party this crowd attends). Somewhere along the line, Kyle realizes to her horror that she was wearing white underwear underneath her white pants, which for those of you who don’t know means that the underwear is perfectly visible through her pants.
Now, the conspiracy theorist in me thinks that this is a remarkably rookie move by Kyle. The woman works in the fashion business and she doesn’t know to put on a pair of nude panties when wearing white pants? OK SURE I BELIEVE THIS.
The point is, Kyle asks Lisa if she has any VanderPanties she can borrow, which, NOPE, GROSS, NOPE, DO NOT BORROW OTHER PEOPLE’S UNDERTHINGS, GUYS.
But Lisa does not, and the conversation moves on to other topics, like how Lisa is VanderInsulted that Eileen offered Erika a part on Young & Restless, but not Lisa, even though Lisa was on this one episode of Baywatch Nights this one time.
Somehow, Erika becomes insulted and snips to Kyle that perhaps they should adopt fake British accents and start insulting people to their faces. P.K. takes an exception to this and claims that English humor is merely self-deprecating, while Dorit begins yammering about how Americans need to lighten up. In response, Erika, BLESS, reminds Dorit that she’s American and grew up in Connecticut.
Dorit then begins talking about how guarded and stand-offish Erika appears to be — which is definitely the way to get someone to warm up to you — and Erika is like, “Hell yeah, I’m cautious. I don’t trust everyone, and nor should I.”
But then Lisa Vanderpump is talking about Kyle needing panties again, and proceeds to put her VanderHand up Erika’s skirt? Which, why? What is happening? Erika warns her not to put her hand there unless she wants it to get bitten: she’s not wearing any underwear at all. This causes a minor scandal and draws P.K.’s shameless and undeterred attention to Erika’s unguarded bits.
We then skip over the white party altogether, because the producers don’t even care about that nonsense, and we end the episode the nxt morning with P.K. telling Dori that he just couldn’t take his eyes off of Erika’s “scenery.” He then begins to paint a picture of himself as the victim here: what was he, a straight man, supposed to do, not look up Erika’s dress once he knew she was pantiless? Why wasn’t this temptress thinking about him and his inability to not stare at her hoo-ha? HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENTLEMAN AND NOT JUST LOOK UP HER DRESS MULTIPLE TIMES? IT’S ALL SO HORRIFYING, DORIT.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and does not look up peoples’ skirts.