‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: It’s her party and she’ll starve you if she wants to

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Stronger Than Ever”
December 6, 2016

Darlings. Forgive me. I am, somehow, improbably, a full 9 weeks behind with this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I have nothing to blame but the holidays and the fact that the world appears to be on fucking fire. I am going to do my best to catch up with a Vanderthon of blog posts, roughly one a day, and try to get this over-Botoxed nonsense back on track. Please come back to me.

Kiss kiss, T.

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In the wake of the departure of Yoyawnda, we have ourselves a new housewife (actually, two, but we won’t meet the other one until later in the season for reasons I just never understand). Her name is Dorit, she’s a VanderFriend, her talent manager of a husband P.K. is an old friend of Lisa and Grandpa Ken’s. Dorit and P.K. have only recently moved to Beverly Hills where they share their giant mansion with their two small children, a raft of nannies (too many to humanize name them all) and, for some reason, 80s pop sensation Boy George. And Dorit, though born in Connecticut, insists on using a Madonna British accent.

lucille-skeptical-arrested-development-eye-roll

We meet Dorit and P.K. at Pump where they have dinner with Lisa, Grandpa Ken, Kyle and Mauricio, and everyone discusses Dorit’s ridiculous accent, Erika’s upcoming birthday party, and rehash Lisa’s old fights with Lisa Rinna and Eileen. “I don’t like when women treat other women terribly,” Dorit chirps, clearly having no idea what show she is on. YOU’RE IN THE BUSINESS OF TREATING OTHER WOMEN TERRIBLY NOW, DORIT. THAT’S YOUR NEW PROFESSION, HONEY.

We then check in on Lisa Rinna who reports that since we last saw her, her sweet father passed away. But look! Harry Hamlin bought her a new Tesla, so everything is peaches!

Later, Erika, Eileen and Kyle get together for lunch where they remind us that Eileen’s mother passed away shortly before last year’s reunion, that Kyle is working on a sitcom based on her life which I’m sure everyone she’s related to is super cool with because you know how those Richards sisters just always get along so great and are really just fine with their lives being discussed on TV, the Lisas’ VanderFeud and how Eileen is never ever ever going to receive a real Vanderpology for Lisa Vanderpump talking shit about her marriage and the scandalous way it began. VanderNever.

It’s Erika’s 45th birthday, and she celebrates it like everyone does: accepting an original Marc Chagall painting and a $75,000 Cartier panther head ring from her husband and planning an elaborate Studio 54 theme party, complete with Prince protege Pussy Control working the door.

pussy control prince.gif
She does!

You know, normal every day birthday things.

Before the party, Kyle, and Mauricio join Dorit, Dorit’s boobs, and P.K. over at PINK HOUSE for drinks and Kyle explains that as a child she hung out with Andy Warhol and Rick James because who needs a childhood.

rick-james-fuck-yo-couch

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna puts on a long ridiculous wig, God bless her, and a green jumpsuit and rides over to Erika’s with Eileen, where they share stories about their own Studio 54 and roller disco days and hanging out with Iman. We get it, you’re old.

So the birthday party is exactly what you think it is: disco balls and go-go dancers and Erika wearing a dress that’s cut up to her puss and all of her gay friends and poor Mr. Girardi who desperately just wants to drink some prune juice and go to bed, please.

Eileen presents Erika with her gift: an invitation to be on Young and the Restless, complete with script. Erika is THRILLED with this, and explains that she was named after none other than Erica Kane, Queen Bitch of Pine Valley.

erica kane in fur.gif

This might be the only thing that actually makes sense in this world anymore.

Elsewhere, Dorit meets Lisa Rinna for the first time, which is intercut with a talking head of Dorit explaining that she had her reservations about moving to Beverly Hills, worried that it was going to be too much Botox and carrots.

shady-shade

Dorit also meets the woman of the hour, Erika, and invites her to her 40th birthday party the next weekend, which Erika happily accepts as if she didn’t already know about it and weren’t contractually obligated to attend.

Oh, and Lisa and Lisa and Eileen all come into contact and are VanderPolite, but as soon as Eileen leaves, Lisa Vanderpump declares to Dorit that Eileen was “cold,” seemingly unaware that “cold” is just Eileen’s factory setting.

Mr. Girardi presents his trophy bride with one final gift: her mother whom he flew in, which is very sweet, but considering how wealthy he is and that he has two private planes the sum of the gesture is also like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I mean, it just doesn’t seem like there are that many things keeping Erika from seeing her mother when she wants too, right?

Oh, and in keeping with the whole Studio 54 theme, there’s no food served just plates of cocaine being passed around, and when Lisa Body Dysmorphic Rinna is complaining that she’s hungry, you know some shit has broken down with the caterers. Finally, to the relief of her starved guests, Erika wheels out a beautiful birthday cake and it appears to be just as real as Donald Trump’s plagiarized inauguration cake, meaning that it is 95% styrofoam. Which, when you think about it, is like a metaphor for Beverly Hills.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is friends with Boy George.

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