‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: One-on-none

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“And Then There Were Four”
October 30, 2016

After 16 weeks we’ve finally come to the end of the Most Boring Season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Ever. Not a single table was thrown, nor weave pulled, even Mortadella was on her best behavior. But we did get some riveting stuff about kitchen counters and driver’s licenses, right? UGH. Go ahead and take off your Louboutins, we have one last episode to run through.

We begin this where we left off: with Dolores and Siggy driving to Melissa’s fashion show, Dolores HELLA PISSED at Jacqueline for reasons that are murky at best. Something about Jacqueline being mad at Dolores for calling her to see if she was coming to her dumb ladies’ night event at her gym and accusing Dolores of setting her up to look like a “no-show”? The point is Dolores is SO MAD, YOUSE GUYS.

Back at il Laurita’s, Laurita reminds a still-sick Jacqueline that the fashion show is happening, and asks her if she would have gone even if she weren’t sick. Jacqueline, playing up the whole sick thing, shakes her head no and then writes a note wondering why Dolores asked her if she was coming to the ladies’ night at the gym WHEN SHE KNEW SHE WASN’T COMING BECAUSE SHE IS DYING OVER HERE. It’s a mystery!

So, Melissa’s dumb fashion show. Teresa arrives while Melissa is still rehearsing with the models, and saying things like “find your inner Sasha Fierce,” which, cool 2008 reference, Melissa. Also, Melissa has never managed a fashion show before, and has no idea what she is doing, just so we’re all clear.

Teresa asks who is coming, and upon learning that Melissa is not sure if Jacqueline’s will attend, Teresa calls Jacqueline “a disgusting person who plants bombs like Osama Bin Laden,” which is quite the simile. Teresa adds that while Jacqueline might call her the criminal, Teresa’s pretty sure Jacqueline is the real criminal. LOGIC.

People start arriving, including Kathy and Jeff Goldblum Jr. who awkwardly says hello to Teresa and make a big deal about it, all “HOW DO I DO THIS WHAT HAPPENS DO I JUST HUG YOU OR PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?”


Teresa calmly accepts a quick peck on the cheek before running away, because seriously, fuck that guy.

Teresa finds Melissa to whine that she’s missing Meatball something hard these days, and Melissa is like, “Cool, but I’m trying to run a fashion show over here, so can we talk about this, oh, I don’t know ANY OTHER TIME BUT RIGHT NOW?”

Dolores and Siggy arrive, and Dolores makes a beeline for Kathy because she needs to discuss Jacqueline. RIGHT NOW. Dolores bitches that she called Jacqueline from the ladies’ night event at her gym to make sure she knew Dolores wanted her there, but Jacqueline never answered. Instead, she sent a flurry of “scathing” text messages, accusing Dolores of an elaborate conspiracy to make her look bad. That’s when Teresa wanders over and is all,”Jacqueline is an EVIL PERSON. Now what are we discussing here?” And Kathy wonders why she, of all people, has been dragged into any of this.


The fashion show happens. It would be nice to say it goes smoothly. It does not. Melissa has no idea what she is doing and the models are idiots and the timing is all wrong and people get up to leave in the middle of the show because they think it is over but it is not over, Melissa is just an incompetent.

After the fashion show, Siggy suggests that all the ladies come together for lunch at her house and clear the air and everyone can walk away from this season like ladies. HAHAHAHAHA, SURE, OK, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, SIGS.

The next day, Dolores has lunch with Ex-Husband Frank so that she can tell him that she doesn’t need his money anymore. Ex-Husband Frank looks genuinely disappointed that he will no longer be have financial control over his ex-wife from whom he’s been divorced for forever. So, good for her, even though 1. this is a fucked-up situation that none of them should have been in in the first place but 2. I don’t actually believe she’ll stick to it because 3. this entire scene was just created by The Producers to give Dolores’ “story” some closure.

Elsewhere, Teresa meets with Lawyer Jimmy who should probably have been added to the opening credits and given his own tagline this season, he was in it so much. And let’s be honest, he couldn’t have been less boring than Dolores. Anyway, they discuss Meatball and how he’s faring in meatball prison and how he’s lost 10 pounds and how Teresa is thinking about selling the palazzo di marmo e onice, because, mio Dio, how much must it cost just to heat and cool that monstrosity, but for reals? Then she shows him a framed cover of her book that the publisher sent her. Uhh… great?

And then Dolores and Siggy have dinner with their madres for some reason.


Over at il Folletto’s The Producers Folletto makes Melissa dinner to reward her for working so hard and being such a success (her fashion show “tripled” her imaginary online sales!) and he apologizes for saying that she was only bringing home “crumbs” and HOORAY, EVERYBODY, MISOGYNY IS DEAD! THE VAGENDA OF MANOCIDE CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM!

Finally, Siggy’s big lunch. Having given the matter a half second of thought, Siggy moved the lunch from her home to the one restaurant, Rails, which will allow the Housewives inside, and hired security for good measure.

Jacqueline — whom Siggy was unable to get confirmation from — is the first to arrive to Siggy’s great relief. At first, Jacqueline appears to be coming from a reasonable place explaining that she knows she went a little pazzo in Vermont and said horrible things to Teresa. But she had been deeply hurt and she would like to tell her side of the story and explain to Teresa where her anger was coming from. To do this, Jacqueline wants to speak to the women one at a time. Jacqueline would like to speak to Dolores, then Teresa and finally Melissa, in that order. Siggy agrees that this is perfectly reasonable, and they wait.

As it turns out, Dolores is the first to arrive, and upon entering the dining room immediately she begins apologizing to Jacqueline for flying off the handle. She’s sorry, she was cranky, it got out of hand, scusa. They hug and this “fight” between the two of them is over. Probably because there was no actual fight to begin with since what they were bickering about was a nothing thing that would have never actually transpired had the cameras not been in their lives, but I digress.

But then Teresa and Melissa arrives, and Jacqueline immediately orders Teresa to sit down in a particular chair …

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… before demanding that Melissa leave the room.


When the sorella-in-laws refuse to comply, Jacqueline demands to know if they are really going to have this talk, because she has a ride waiting for her, so …


Teresa and Melissa are stunned that Jacqueline is talking to them like naughty children and Teresa informs Jacqueline that she doesn’t call the shots. “I am today,” Jacqueline sasses. Teresa accuses her of being like a “teacher” and calls the situation stupid, to which Jacqueline whines that she doesn’t like that word. “Oh, is ‘Miss Teacher’ better?” asks Teresa, leading to this, the only great moment in a not-so-great episode:


There she is. There’s the Tre I love and miss.

Jacqueline decides to leave, accusing Teresa of being too scared to face her alone, and calls Melissa and Teresa “frickin’ animals” on her way out the door. Siggy and Dolores remove their Louboutins and chase Jacqueline down in the parking lot in an effort to try to bring her back to the table and talk.

But Jacqueline is gone and the season is over and I will never have those four months of my life back and hopefully when we return to Franklin Lakes next summer we will have a cast that is actually interesting, although I don’t even know what that looks like anymore. More Manzos? Bringing Kathy back? Danielle Staub? Buildng a time machine and breaking the fabric of space and time so that we return to the first seasons? Making that Robyn woman a Housewife? Rosie? MORTADELLA? OMG let’s make Mortadella a Housewife AND GET HER PIZZA WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, YOU OLD TROLL.

And now, all that’s left are our post-mortems:

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Siggy is still hosting Friday dinners for her family. She has taken a break from being a relationship expert for her girlfriends… for now.
Dolores is full steam running the gym with partner Maz. She no longer takes money from Frank … unless he offers it.
Envy’s online sales are exploding and Melissa is considering expanding. Now Joe is fine with her crumbs.
While Joe is in prison, Teresa is staying zen and adjusting to being a single mom. She already found a new yoga partner … Danielle Staub.
Jacqueline has not spoken to Teresa or Melissa. Her focus is on raging to be a good “Glamma” to grandson Cameron.

Alright. We’ll see youse guys in the reunion.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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