‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Childish poses

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Nama’Stay Away From Me”
October 23, 2016

First of all, episode title, it is “NAMAST’AY away from me,” not “NAMA’STAY away from me.” It’s right there on the shirt!

Second of all, after a couple of interesting episodes in Vermont and one emotional episode, we are right back to this season’s boring holding pattern, so you might want to go make yourself a quick espresso or something, because madonn’. So boring.

We begin with Teresa and the girls in their first week without Meatball. For their first dinner, il Follettos bring over a pile of Chinese food and keep il Meatballs company. We learn that Teresa is still waiting to hear from him, and everyone has been checking their email obsessively, particularly Mortadella, who declares she’s going to have her first gray hair by the time her padre returns from meatball prison.

Mortadella then takes Baby Baccala out on Meatball’s 4-wheeler which she flies around on like a maniac and NO! NO. SOMEONE BE AN ADULT HERE AND TAKE THE KEYS TO THE 4-WHEELER AWAY FROM THE ANGRY 10-YEAR-OLD, OH MY DIO. Fortunately, Folletto does have the good sense to guilt Mortadella into not riding the 4-wheeler like a damned pazza, warning her that if she were to hurt herself, it would make Meatball miserable in meatball prison because he wouldn’t be able to help her. However, Folletto does not take the keys and throw them into the Hudson, which he totally should, because that child does not need to be on that death machine.

Later, Teresa sets aside some Mommy and Me time with Mortadella, in which they clean the garage. Special memories!

Oh, and there’s a whole scene where Teresa tries to make breakfast for the girls, and Mortadella threatens to throw it in the trash if it isn’t exactly the way Meatballcooks it. Then, when Teresa asks the girls for a kiss, Mortadella is like “NOPE.”

It’s going to be a long three and a half years for il Meatballs.

Elsewhere, Dolores’ kitchen cabinets are finally painted, so she decides to throw a “housewarming” party even though her house has been warmed by Dolores and her famiglia for the past 20 years or so. But whatever. The point is, she’s having a party and is trying to spin it as some sort of empowerment story.

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Before the party, Jacqueline shows off the “Namast’ay away from me” t-shirt she’s planning on wearing and the sore throat she is rocking while she chats with Laurita about how she just plans on avoiding Teresa and Melissa at the party.

Which, as it turns out, will be 50% less difficult as Teresa will not be attending, choosing to wait with her daughters for Meatball’s phone call from meatball prison instead. Good choices: Teresa keeps making them! (I am not being sarcastic for a change.)

So everyone arrives at the party, including Dolores’ adorable 102-year-old grandmother, to whom Dolores and Siggy try to explain the whole Teresa-Jacqueline-Melissa situation, but Nonna is like, “NOPE. WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS.”

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Jacqueline and Laurita arrive, followed by Melissa and Folletto. Upon seeing Jacqueline in the living room, Melissa makes a U-turn and heads into the kitchen because she is not in the mood to even pretend to make nice right now.

The Wakiles, Rosie and Rosie’s Girlfriend Laura arrive and set up shop with Jacqueline and Laurita. Folletto attempts to greet everyone, including Jacqueline who gives him the cold shoulder. Oh, and Jeff Goldblum Jr. is STILL making pig comments about wanting to have a foursome with Rosie and Rosie’s Girlfriend Laura.

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Jacqueline who isn’t feeling well, eventually takes the keys to their car and to sit by herself, instead of, oh, I don’t know, asking Dolores if there’s a spare bedroom where she could go lie down? Or maybe telling Laurita that they need to leave? It’s weird.

The point is, she’s out in the car while Laurita and Folletto have a sitdown. Laurita tells Folletto that what happened in Vermont upset him, that he believes Jacqueline was mistreated by the other women. Folletto is like, “You mean when she went buck wild on my wife and screamed at her about nose jobs?” Larutia then pouts that il Follettos didn’t come to his autism popcorn event to which they either were or were not invited, depending on who you ask. Folletto invites il Lauritas to Melissa’s upcoming fashion show, and Laurita is like, “Yeah, that’s never going to happen.”

Good talk!

Oh and Dolores gives a toast, who cares.

Siggy’s entire storyline in this episode involves her taking her mother to go get her hair did, and then out to lunch for kale salads.

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Later, Dolores has this “ladies night” at the gym which involves Teresa teaching a yoga class, Siggy mouthing some self-improvement bullshit at ladies in yoga pants, and “protein shake martinis,” which NOPE. OH HELL NOPE.

Jacqueline does not attend, choosing instead to stay home and nurse her flu. Melissa also doesn’t attend because reasons. But that Robyn person does attend and she and Dolores are like, “ARE WE COOL?” before agreeing that yes, they are cool.

Oh and Dolores calls Jacqueline and leaves a message, asking if she’s going to attend. You wouldn’t think this would be an important plot point, but GUESS WHAT? It becomes an important plot point. Somehow.

Melissa, meanwhile, is trying to plan for her fashion show, a task that proves to be more difficult than it should be, what with Folletto yelling for her to come shave his back every five seconds.

The episode ends on the day of the fashion show, with Melissa making last-minute changes and yelling at models about shoe choices. Meanwhile, Siggy drives Dolores to the show, where Dolores begins screaming about how she is now in a fight with Jacqueline over ladies night at the gym. It’s all very confusing, but from what I can gather, Jacqueline is mad at Dolores for calling her from the event and “making her look like a no-show” which, as Dolores points out, she was. But then there is something about the flyer for the event? And maybe Jacqueline was angry because she wasn’t included on it? But Teresa and Siggy were? But that’s because they had roles at the event? I don’t know what is actually happening, but Dolores is HELLA PISSED about it and SHE IS SCREAMING something about JACQUELINE BEING PARANOID and I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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