‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Is there a spa treatment for boredom?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Spa-Cation”
August 28, 2016

To celebrate Teresa cutting off her ankle monitor — but really, in an attempt to force Teresa and Jacqueline to try to work things out — all five ladies head to some spa out in the woods together for the weekend. And if you, like me, were hoping this trip would be interesting, you’re out of luck. It’s not. Oh my God, it’s not.

Short version: It’s tense at first, but then Jacqueline has a sob about Nicholas, so Teresa feels sorry for her and then they make up and everyone is friends again. Also, yoga.

So are we done here? No? FINE.

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Long version: Teresa drives up to the spa with Melissa and Dolores and on the ride sends Meatball a text about “sucking on [her] titties.” Thanks to carrying that mental image around with me, I’ve lost five pounds this week.

 

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Siggy drive up together, with Jacqueline promising to “bury” Teresa if she tries to come at her. As a relationship expert, Siggy recognizes what is really going on here: Jacqueline is deeply insecure and actually loves Teresa, but worries that Teresa doesn’t feel the same way about her. Truth, Siggy. And I know this is a low bar to hurdle, but Siggy Flicker is easily the smartest person that has ever been on this series. Aside from Mortadella.

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Never forget.

The women arrive at the spa and pick their rooms and Jacqueline tries to avoid saying hello to Teresa but is called out on it and passive aggressively offers to shake hands. Teresa does not think this is cute.

 

The ladies then head to dinner where the awkwardness continues and everyone picks at their salads in painful silence. But then Siggy begins asking Teresa and Jacqueline about trips they’ve taken together, like to Napa and Italy, and the two women begin fondly reminiscing — mostly about Italy — because, Madonn’, was the Napa trip a shitshow.

All of the women then share a little bit about their struggles: the Lauritas had business trouble and she notes that a child with autism can cost around $60,000 a year; after her divorce, Siggy moved into a townhome with her parents; there was a time when Melissa and Folletto couldn’t afford their CostCo membership and diapers; Teresa went to federal prison. They have so much in common!

They then go outside and sit around a fire and make s’mores and drink wine and Jacqueline tells them that Potatoee Face is about to get engaged and Melissa whines that she is missing one of Fagioli’s wrestling matches and talks SOME MORE about her dead padre because that topic never becomes less interesting which makes Dolores thinks about her dying dog and then Melissa tells Teresa that Baccala, the bambino, was the one who missed her the most while she was in prison because Teresa doesn’t feel guilty enough or something. Oh, and Teresa decides this is as good a time as any to invite il Lauritas to her book festa, so FEUD OVER.

When they return to the cabin, as a joke Teresa calls Meatball and demands that he come PICK HER UP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING BITCH, JACQUELINE, and everyone laughs and laughs because that is totally a direction this whole thing could have gone in very easily.

The next morning, Melissa is talking some more about Fagioli’s wrestling and Teresa yammers about Gabagool’s cheerleading camp and the whole thing sends Jacqueline off to the bathroom to sob, thinking about how Nicholas will never have a normal childhood. The other women crowd around her, pat her on the head for a few moments before ordering her to stop crying already and put on her eyelashes.

Jacqueline pulls it together and the ladies head over to the pool, where Melissa decides there hasn’t been enough friction on this trip so far. To fix this, she takes Dolores aside and talks about Jacqueline and Teresa — far enough away that the others can’t quite hear, but close enough that they can all read their lips and get the gist of it. When they return to the group, Jacqueline is all, “WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT US?” To which Melissa replies, “Who’s ready for spa treatments?”

Teresa and Jacqueline go for some sort of mud mask together where Teresa insists that Nicholas is going to “get better” one of these days, as though autism is like the chicken pox or a cold. Oh, dummy, that’s not how autism works.

Teresa also tells Jacqueline that she’s there for her: if she’s having a bad day, she can always call. Which is very sweet! And I’m sure that invitation will remain open forever and ever!

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And then everyone eats dinner together and no one flips a table or throws wine. It’s very cosí tedioso. At one point, Siggy tries to explain to Jacqueline and Teresa that their problems stem from a lack of communication: Jacqueline is very deep, whereas Teresa is very simple. “I AM VERY SIMPLE!” Teresa exclaims in one of the most honest moments of her life.

Later, Melissa and Dolores are talking about something or other — chocolate? who knows — when a drunk and belligerent Jacqueline yells at them to STOP WHISPERING. SHE KNOWS THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT HER AGAIN.

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And then basically everyone tells her to shut the hell up already and quit being so damned paranoid.

The next morning, Teresa leads everyone through a yoga class and they talk about farting, queefs and vaginas.

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Oh, and back home the men cook dinner for their kids and then act like they deserve fucking medals.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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