The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Leopard is the New Black”
July 24, 2016
Technically, we begin this episode with the Housewives’ morning routines, but aside from the fact that thanks to her ankle monitor, poor Teresa can’t even go the length of her driveway to make sure the girls make it onto the school bus, nothing interesting is actually revealed. (That said, I’m pretty sure the girls can find their way down to the end of the driveway, so this isn’t exactly a crisis?)
The episode really begins when Jacqueline decides that she is going to do an unannounced drop-by on Teresa. And before we go further, let’s just state unequivocally for the record that unannounced drop-bys are NEVER. EVER. EVER. OK. NEVER. Not if you’re my best friend, not if you’re my sister, not if you’re my mother, but especially and particularly not if you are my former best friend with whom I have a bunch of unresolved issues. My house is probably filthy! And not like “Oh, there’s some mail sitting around on the entryway table,” but like, “I haven’t done dishes in three weeks , I don’t know where that laundry that is piled on my couch even came from and we’ve just started calling that flying tree roach that’s roaming around ‘Fluffy’ because it’s easier than killing him” filthy.
But drop-by she does, and Teresa allows her inside despite being in yoga pants with no makeup on and not having vacuumed. (Nope — I’ll talk with you through the door, thanks. What do you want?) Once inside, Jacqueline explains that she needs clarity on their relationship, and that she was confused by the letter Teresa sent via Lawyer Jimmy.
The two women determine that their relationship turned south when Teresa refused to be forthcoming with Jac about her looming legal predicaments that one time, and — I can’t believe I’m saying this — I’m on Tre’s side on this one. As they are prone to do, Teresa’s lawyers advised her to not discuss her legal issues with anyone, much less ON CAMERA in front of THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. Obviously! Obviously.
And then they cry and they make up and then Teresa tells Jacqueline about the homemade dildos in prison and suddenly everything is back to normal. Kinda. Maybe. For now.
In some I-Just-Don’t-Care news, Melissa fights with her partner in the boutique about which ugly ass outfits they should sell in the shop. But to be fair to this scene, the sentence, “Not everyone is a romper girl,” is spoken, and I don’t know that I’ve ever heard truer words. It’s as if for one brief moment, the universe opened up and revealed itself wholly.
There is also an entire scene in Dolores’ dining room with Siggy and Jacqueline that is one of the most pointless things I’ve seen on any of these Real Housewives series. Why are we in the dining room? Why do we care? Why are we discussing sideboards? Is anything actually happening other than Jacqueline letting the other ladies know she chatted with Teresa? No?
But what’s next is Melissa and Teresa rehashing the same conversation over at Teresa’s house while Mortadella screams about screaming.
Oh my God, I don’t care that Dolores’ ex-husband lives down the street from her and still comes over for pizza with the kids.
AND I DON’T CARE THAT DOLORES’ GRANDMOTHER IS AN ADORABLE 102-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
Finally, Teresa and this Siggy person meet for the first time to plan a party for Dolores’ birthday — which she totally doesn’t care about yous guys, birthdays are no big deal to Dolores — but really, Siggy just plans the entire thing, down to the leopard print invitations, because it’s not like Teresa is available to make ice runs or go pick up a veggie tray, come on.
So, this lady party.
Other things to know about me: this is going to be a less popular position, but in addition to unannounced drop-bys, I also hate me a lady party. Why does it have to be all ladies? Why am I putting on high heels to hang out with a bunch of other ladies? Are the other ladies going to hold it against me when I get waaaaay too drunk after I self-medicate just to get through this lady party ? And why are there always games at lady parties? I don’t want to play games with ladies.
Ugh. Lady parties.
Anyway, also in attendance at Dolores’ lady party are Jacqueline and Melissa, as well as Kathy and Rosie and a whole bunch of other ladies we don’t know and don’t care about. After some initial tension between Teresa and everyone, the ladies begin pounding drinks (except for Teresa who is not allowed to drink until her probation ends, which, come to think of it, probably goes a long way in explaining why she’s been so calm and reasonable so far this season).
In no time at all, they start playing lady party games — because that’s a rule of lady parties: there must be games — specifically a game wherein Teresa describes prison sex scenes and the other ladies half-heartedly act them out. No one wins. We all lose.
Finally, Teresa drives a quite drunk Melissa home, while Melissa shrieks that she is “MELISSA FUCKING GORGA” and that she is her own spirit animal.
Oh, hey, here’s your handy nickname reminder. (Not that you really needed it for this recap…)
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.