The Real Housewives of Dallas
“The Full Nelson”
June 13, 2016
We begin this, the final episode of the season that is not a reunion, with Stephanie and her overbearing husband, Whosit, going over plans for their annual “Let’s Watch Golf From Our Backyard and Get Drunk” party. All you need to know about this party is that it’s related to some golf tournament that takes place at the Four Seasons, and thus, their backyard and, for once, it has NOTHING to do with charity or the “charity world,” whatever the hell that is.
Anyway, ol’ Whathisbutt comes up with a long list of things that Stephanie has to do to prepare for this party, beginning with “pick up dog poop” because GOD FORBID WE GO ONE EPISODE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT FECES ON THIS SHOW. But, also, too, can’t Stephanie just hire someone to do that? If you can spend $75,000 on a bracelet, and heaven only knows how much on interior designers to tell you that you should paint your four-year-old’s room in Dallas Cowboy colors, I’m thinking you could pay someone $30 to come pick up the dog poop in your backyard before you have hundreds of people and a camera crew come over. In fact, if I had to guess, these two have lawn guys because I can tell ol’ Thatguy has never mowed his own lawn in his life. If the lawn guys aren’t already picking up the dog poop when they are doing the edging, maybe they could be asked to.
But that’s not the point of this whole scene. The point of this whole scene is Whathisname is giving Stephanie another list of chores. WILL THEIR MARRIAGE SURVIVE?
Later, Brandi comes by with her daughters to help with poop patrol and no one ever discusses hiring someone else to do this thankless job. Guys! There are entire companies out there whose only job is to pick up pet poop: DoodyCalls.com; Poop911.com; Poobgone.biz. Come on! Google is your friend!
Speaking of pet poop, while cleaning up bunny poop in their daughter’s bedroom, Brandi and Bryan agree to host a Fourth of July barbecue and invite her family so that Bryan can get another shot at being a decent husband and human being. He does not deserve this shot. Later they go bowling together as a family, so everything’s fine! Marriage all fixed now! Nothing to see here!
In other news, Cary and Dr. Husband continue to pretend they are going to buy a house in Switzerland. They are never going to buy a house in Switzerland.
As for Tiffany and LeeAnne, they go to the gym and say they are exercising. While standing near some free weights, they discuss Tiffany and Keith Urban Jr.’s renewed interest in house hunting and LeeAnne’s regret at losing her damn mind in Austin. And also cocaine? They talk about cocaine? For some reason?
As far as the house-hunting goes: Tiffany and Keith Urban Jr. go look at some new modern, characterless construction in what the real estate agent INSISTS is an up and coming neighborhood. After the showing, Keith Urban Jr. makes a big point about how he wants to talk to Tiffany about how he just can’t see how he can be both in Dallas and Nashville at the same time and so, after a lot of thought … he thinks it’s time they try to find a house here in Dallas. So … wait, they didn’t have this conversation BEFORE calling the relator? Isn’t this a discussion they should have before going to look at houses? “Well, honey, the house is lovely, and everything we’re looking for, but I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ll be moving to Nashville next week.” I mean, come on, how stupid do they think we are?
(Very stupid. Very very stupid.)
As for LeeAnne, after crying at Officer Boyfriend about having lost her temper in Austin, she goes to some P.R. guy to discuss becoming a professional speaker. After sharing her “story,” and her inspirational PDFs — a phrase I never thought I’d ever type in my life — and the idea for her book,
“I’m Gonna Get My Carny Style On” “Designed to Shine,” LeeAnne explains that she is “a victor, [she] has come through it, and rainbows and [she’s] gonna fart glitter until people see it.” I have less idea what this means than you do, dear reader, but the P.R. people who are JUST SO EXCITED to be on a Real Housewives series laugh and laugh and laugh as if they are all in on a fantastic joke … all but for this brunette woman:
You, ma’am, are an American hero.
And then the P.R. guy tells LeeAnne that she will start off being paid $1,000 a speech, but if she becomes a household name, she could make somewhere around $25,000 to $50,000 a speech.
The day of Stephanie’s big golf party has arrived, and a whole lot of nothing happens. Stephanie and Whatshisface get dressed and argue about pudding; Cary has her makeup done, talks smack about LeeAnne; Brandi arrives, has a margarita; Stephanie talks about how much less parents drink after they have children. Speak for yourself, lady.
After LeeAnne and Tiffany arrive, Cary chats with Tiffany briefly about LeeAnne’s behavior in Austin. Tiffany tries to explain that LeeAnne felt ganged up on, while Cary points out that one cannot simultaneously be the bully and the victim. The two women then declare that they will never be friends. And you know what? Fair enough!
Tiffany then turns her attention to That Marie Person, deciding that right here, in front of 400 people (and the cameras), is the best place to confront her about spreading the rumor about LeeAnne pooping her pants; I suppose the reasoning being that the guests at the party are going to hear about it eventually when they watch the series, so what’s the harm in broadcasting LeeAnne’s humiliation in front of her entire community here and now?
But before Tiffany can really get some good screaming, maybe a wine-throwing started, Cary decides that she’s going to confront LeeAnne about being a big bully. Cary sits LeeAnne down to have it out once and for all — she is running out of time, it is the season finale, y’all.
They talk to each other through gritted teeth around the topic at hand: that LeeAnne has been telling anyone who will sit still long enough that Cary is a home-wrecking slut. And yet somehow that never actually comes up. Instead, they talk about how Cary takes everything LeeAnne says “so personal [so much sic]” and how LeeAnne is “bluntly honest” and how Cary is trying to turn Brandi and Stephanie against LeeAnne and how LeeAnne can’t be both bully and victim and how one minute LeeAnne is yelling at someone and the next she’s talking about “her story” and how LeeAnne doesn’t appreciate the “evil inside” Cary. Then LeeAnne jumps up and runs out of the room. And with that, we’re done with the season?
Wait, that’s it? That’s it, seriously? We’re done?
But yes, aside from the “What Happened Next” clips, on that very inconclusive note we are somehow done with this poop-filled season. We’ll see you in the reunion where maybe something will be settled one way or another and feces will definitely be discussed.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.