The Real Housewives of New York City
May 4, 2016
HI REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK READERS! I am so, so, so sorry for abandoning you these past two months. I have no excuse (Game of Thrones) but I am going to do what I can, however I can, to make it up to you. Beginning today, I intend to post a RHONY entry every day until I catch up — just in time for me to go on vacation and get behind again. Full disclosure. Forgive me? What if I threw in a broken QVC necklace?
We begin the episode with Bethenny giving us a fifteen minute lecture on how her daughter packs her suitcase. Are we supposed to care about this? Because I do not care about this.
Elsewhere, Dorinda meets Princess Carole for lunch where they discuss Jules’ weird, half-built pool house and the fact that Jules needs to eat those bagels she keeps try to shove onto other people. Princess Carole then talks about how awkward Jules’ brunch was, thanks to Fudgie, and Dorinda is NOT HAVING IT. FUDGIE IS NOT THE ROOT CAUSE OF EVERYTHING BAD THAT EVER HAPPENS TO ANYONE.
But isn’t he? Isn’t he though, Dorinda? But kinda? Like, a little bit though?
And then Jules arrives, which makes me very uncomfortable, as though I was there talking about her weird half-built pool house and how she needs to eat something and what a terrible brunch she threw. Her Sereness, to her credit, apologizes for her part in ruining the brunch by acting like an 11-year-old with Bethenny. Jules admits that she just doesn’t care for Bethenny, she seems rude and harsh and condescending, and she was needlessly critical of Jules’ house even though it’s ten times the size of Bethenny’s. In an interview, Jules sniffs that Bethenny is new money, whereas Jules and her husband, whatever his name is, are old money, and they just choose to spend their money differently than Bethenny. You know, bizarrely slowly and without much forethought or consideration.
Princess Poland tries to defend Bethenny, insisting that she was just trying to offer constructive criticism, and insists that Jules give her another chance: sometimes it’s easy to misunderstand Bethenny. Which is the understatement of the episode, if not the series.
OH HEY, IT’S SONJA! Remember her? ME NEITHER. This season has been disappointingly Sonja light so far. FIX THAT, SHOW. While Sonja is picking dog poop up off her living room floor, because if that’s not the most Sonja phrase ever I don’t know what would be (Other than: “It seems drunk Sonja forgot to put on underpants before performing her caburlesque,” maybe. But I digress.), Ramona slips into the townhouse for a visit. There, Ramona, for no good reason at all, informs Sonja that Bethenny didn’t invite her to her birthday party in the Hamptons because she’s so horrified by Sonja’s drunken antics. Ramona herself then expresses insincere concern for how much Sonja has been drinking, explaining that’s why they haven’t been hanging out as much recently: she doesn’t want Sonja’s bad reputation dragging her down now that she’s on the dating scene.
Sonja is as flabbergasted as anyone, pointing out that Ramona easily gets as drunk as Sonja and maybe SONJA doesn’t want RAMONA dragging her reputation down. HAS RAMONA EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?
Sonja then explains to Ramona that The Countess is moving in with her, for reasons, and Ramona sums up everyone’s feelings about this “plan” with an exasperated, “Oh boy.” Oh boy, indeed, Ramona. Oh boy, indeed.
So the Earl of Bruschetta is off in Ethiopia doing … something. Making omelets for starving children? Dunno. The point is, Princess Carole tries to Facetime him, only to have him be like, “Can’t talk; eating,” and hanging up on her. Romance!
To smooth things over between them, Jules and Bethenny meet at some bar and order kale salads that they will not eat. There, Jules attempts to explain to Bethenny that she hurt her feelings when she was critical of her weird half-built pool house, but she does such an incompetent job of expressing herself that Bethenny ends up arguing Jules’ point for her and apologizing to Jules in the process. So incompetent or the most competent?
At some point, Jules reveals that it took her seven years to graduate college because she needed to take a “break” for a while, before admitting in the least shocking SHOCKING! revelation of all time that she had an eating disorder in her twenties. Jules goes on to explain that one never is cured of an eating disorder, and that she continues to struggle with it every day. Bethenny, whose own mother had an eating disorder, is moved to tears, and profoundly grateful to Jules for sharing this information. And the next thing you know these two are suddenly friends and Jules wants to fix her up with her Greek shipping heir buddy. DONE AND DONE.
Sometime later, Jules meets Dorinda for a pedicure, some post-gaming of her meeting with Bethenny and to discuss Ramona’s upcoming birthday lunch, which Dorinda is going to attend, BUT SHE’S NOT GONNA LIKE IT.
At Ramona’s apartment, Bethenny, Ramona and Her Highness have their own post-mortem and discuss Ramona’s luncheon. Ramona asks Princess Carole if she’s going to be cool with The Countess at the party, but it’s Bethenny that has the surprising reaction, explaining that over the summer she had an experience with The Countess that gave her pause.
So, remember how the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills women went to the Hamptons in this most recent season? And how Kyle and Bethenny are, somehow, improbably old friends going back 25 years? And how Kyle asked Bethenny to host a dinner at her home? And how Bethenny was ridiculously rude to Erika Jane Girardi but Erika Jane Girardi took it like that champ that she is? OK! SO! Apparently, The Countess heard that Bethenny was going to host this dinner party and she went into full harassment mode, demanding to be invited to the dinner. Repeatedly. LOLOLOL.
Oh, The Countess, never change.
So, finally, Ramona’s intimate birthday lunch with 70 of her closest friends. First of all, Ramona is HELLAMAD that everyone comes to the lunch wearing red, because she’s pretty sure that’s her color. UH, I’M SORRY, LADY, BUT HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED “RAMONA BLUE?” OR DO YOU JUST GET ALL THE COLORS NOW?
Bethenny arrives, Princess Carole arrives, Sonja arrives, Jules arrives talking some nonsense about “evil eyes,” and The Countess arrives and completely ignores Princess Carole. Like, not even an air kiss, NOT EVEN EYE CONTACT. Nothing.
However, The Countess does have something for Bethenny: a birthday present, and it’s not a hula hoop. In fact, as we learn, the hula hoop was never a gift for Bethenny, it was a gift for all of us.
No, it’s an expensive monogramed purse which is hilarious for a number of reasons: 1. it’s Ramona’s birthday, 2. The Countess gave Ramona some cheap piece of crap necklace from her QVC collection 3. which was broken 4. which she then had fixed and presented again here, as though it were something new. Ramona, it will surprise you, notices.
Bethenny, a little weirded out by this gesture, takes The Countess aside to explain that she’s a little uncomfortable with her after the events of this summer, when The Countess was pretty much all over the place and demanding an invite to Kyle’s dinner. At first, The Countess is all, “DON’T BE UNCOOL,” because she’s not about to let that catch phrase go, before dissolving into a puddle of pitifulness, explaining that she just wanted to be included, and, also, too, she is just so very, very lonely. SO LONELY. That hula hoop is the most action she’s had in several months.
As for Dorinda, Sonja asks if Fudgie is still trying to get her to marry him, and with Ramona sitting right next to her, Dorinda begins a rant about “people” who speculate on her relationship and talk about her sex life who are clearly JUST JEALOUS. RAMONA. Dorinda then proposes a toast to Ramona on her birthday, explaining that the anniversary of Richard’s death was four years ago the day before, which she remembers in part because Ramona called her and demanded that she get out of bed and come celebrate her at her birthday lady luncheon, because it is what Richard would have wanted. LOL OK SURE, I’m positive it was super important to Richard that Dorinda get up the day after he died to go celebrate Ramona turning another year older. Absolutely.
Anyway, the point is GIRLFRIENDS SHOULD SUPPORT EACH OTHER, Y’ALL, AND MAYBE NOT TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER’S SEX LIVES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAMONA.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesday, April 6th at 8/9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.