The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Spinning a Web”
February 23, 2016
To assuage his guilt over making his fortune by helping multi-millionaires buy multi-multi-million dollar properties, Mauricio hosts a SoulCycle fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity. Look, it’s a good cause, and a fitting one for a real estate agent to support, but SoulCycle?
Only a few of the ladies are in attendance, improbably including Lisa Vanderpump who arrives wearing hot pink Vanderpumps. Not that Lisa Vanderpump Vanderwants to be there, she most Vandercertainly does not, a point she makes Vanderperfectly clear, darlings.
Anyway, SoulCycling happens and the SoulCycle instructor is the MOST SoulCycle instructor that has ever SoulCycled.
After this white nonsense is over, the ladies go to a Mexican restaurant for a little tableside guacamole. There, Yoyawnda and Eileen join them, Yoyawnda bearing a bouquet of pink roses for Lisa’s Vanderbirthday.
Kyle asks Yoyawnda if everything is cool between herself and Lisa Rinna, and Yoyawnda waves off the issue: everything is just fine. Kyle, however,
isn’t ready to let this controversy end is skeptical, and stage whispers to Lisa Vanderpump, “REMEMBER HOW SHE SAID LISA RINNA HAD THE BI-POLAR?” Yoyawnda is like, “You do understand that I am sitting directly across from you and can hear you talking about me, right?” Kyle repeats, louder this time, that Yoyawanda said Lisa Rinna is bi-polar, and Yoyawnda takes exception: she never said that, she just said she could have said that. But she didn’t. Because it’s not her place to judge whatever it is that is broken in Lisa Rinna’s brain. Just like Lisa Rinna shouldn’t judge her and say she has the Moochin Glausen’s. Kyle repeats for the thirty-twelfth time that Lisa Rinna never said she had Munchausen’s but it falls on stubborn ears.
Yoyawnda demands to know why Kyle is even bringing this mess up again. And Kyle! This one! She has the audacity to complain that she and Lisa Vanderpump were just having a private conversation. At a table filled with other people. Being filmed for a television show.
Yoyawnda asks Kyle to stop talking about it — especially since Rinna isn’t there to defend herself — before adding that she herself keeps “a whole lot in the vault…” Kyle picks up on the not-so-subtle threat, and is like, “OH I KNOW YOU’RE NOT THREATENING ME…”
That’s when Lisa Vanderpump steps in, pointing out that Lisa Rinna probably does not appreciate having this bi-polar suggestion out there, and Yoyawnda counters that she doesn’t appreciate having the Minchenhiffen suggestion out there, or having her children attacked. Lisa Vanderpump sighs exasperatedly that she never attacked Yoyawnda’s children, she merely said they were healthy, and then is like, “You know what? I’m done here. VANDEROUT.” And with that, she takes her flowers and goes home.
Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Lisa Rinna is discussing pegging Harry Hamlin on Jenny McCarthy’s talk radio show, “Science? Who Needs Science?”
“Thanks.” — Harry Hamlin
Sometime later, Kathryn goes to Erika’s house for cinnamon rolls and boxing lessons. Over the carbs, Kathryn tries to get Erika to open up emotionally to her, a person she just met and with whom she only shares a reality show credit. Erika manages to squeeze out a couple tears about her dead grandmother, if only to get Kathryn off her back. Kathryn is then like, “OK, now say something rude about the other ladies, starting with Lisa Vanderpump.” Erika notes that Lisa is very Vandersmart but that she manages to craft situations to her advantage, adding that Vanderpump is a “sniper from the side.” “PERFECT!” Kathryn doesn’t say out loud, “I CAN’T WAIT TO LATER REPORT ALL OF THIS TO VANDERPUMP FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON!”
So, following their guacamole summit, Yoyawnda sent Kyle an email reading, “I’m coming out of a three-year ordeal living in mentally-paralyzed cocoon due to an infection in my brain called Neuroborreliosis. I arrived with a great attitude yesterday and proud of myself for making it out of bed and joining you girls. For you to come down on me so hard is beyond my understanding and it left me quite confused. I’m just trying to catch up and participate I don’t need your pity, but I do ask you kindly to respect my situation. Your lack of compassion is not a pretty look.”
AND THEN! Yoyawnda CC’d all the other women on the email.
Kyle, obviously, is not amused. She and Lisa Rinna discuss the email and agree that the whole thing is passive aggressive and that Yoyawnda seems to be projecting, Rinna going so far to suggest that there might be something else going on in Yoyawnda’s life. Spoiler alert! There is.
Finally, over at PINK HOUSE, Lisa Vaderpump has her poor put-upon Suitcase Maid serve her tea while she floats around her pool in a giant pink flamingo, waiting for her birthday luncheon guests to arrive. Everything about this makes perfect sense.
Eventually, Kathryn, Eileen and Kyle arrive, and after introducing everyone to her new Vanderpuppy — because what Lisa Vanderpump needed was another animal — the ladies sit down to lunch in her Vandergazebo. There, the ladies briefly discuss The Email, allowing Kyle to express her OUTRAGE! before dismissing it as being the ranting of a crazy person, high on lemon fumes.
And then, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, Kathryn announces that she had lunch with Erika who warned her about Lisa Vanderpump, and told her not to get caught in Lisa’s Vanderweb.
Lisa is Vanderflabbergasted: she doesn’t know where any of this is coming from. She barely has time to go to the bathroom, much less spin a “web.”
And that’s when Eileen over here decides, for no good reason at all, she’s going to make this about her. Eileen declares that Erika’s statements are all about the Hamptons and the fact that Lisa’s Vanderapology wasn’t sincere enough. Lisa Vanderpump is like, “ohmygod,” while Eileen goes on and on about how Lisa Vanderpump minimizes things and never truly understood her feelings and said she was sorry for asking too many questions but didn’t apologize for what she really did and on and on and on and onnnnnnn.
Lisa Vanderpump is like, “Look, I’m Vandersorry for whatever it is you want me to be Vandersorry for. Are we good? Because we need to be really Vandergood to move on.” And Eileen huffs that, “it’s fine,” before admitting that nothing is fine and they’ll never understand each other and she never cared about getting an apology in the first place and OH MY GOD WHAT IS EVEN THE PROBLEM THEN?
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.