‘American Horror Story: Hotel’: A face only a mother could love

American Horror Story: Hotel
“Room 33”
November 11, 2015

Wow, so apparently Lady Gaga swung by Murder House back in 1926 looking for an abortion.

However, the basement procedure didn’t exactly go as planned, on account of the fact that Lady Gaga was already infected with her fauxpire disease; her pregnancy, though only in its third week, looked more like it was in its 27th week; and the fact that once removed from Lady Gaga’s womb, the fetus remained alive. Congratulations! It’s a boy-type thing!

Almost 90 years later, No-Longer-Detective John is woken up in his hotel room by Holden who has climbed into bed with his father. However, once Just John comes to, Holden scurries out of the room, leading John on a chase through the hallways and into the pool room. There he finds Dr. Chloë asleep in her double wide glass coffin. “EEP!” says John before collapsing.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the hotel, the fabulous Liz Taylor is having the sexytimes with Tristan? Because apparently that’s happening? When did that become a thing that is happening?

 

So they are having the sexytimes and afterwards, Liz Taylor gives Tristan an Oscar Wilde book, which Tristan accepts graciously, as no one has ever thought he was smart enough to give a book to before. Tristan decides he loves Liz Taylor, WHICH SURE OKAY NEVERMIND THAT THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP IS COMING LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE, and wonders how he can enjoy sex with Liz Taylor so much since he’s not Teh Gay. Liz Taylor assures him that being with her doesn’t make him gay as she is a heterosexual woman, learn your trans facts, son. Tristan worries that they can never be with one another on account of one fauxpire Lady Gaga. But Liz Taylor has some weird, misplaced faith in Lady Gaga’s forgiveness despite having worked for her for 20 years, and insists that if Lady Gaga just sees them together, she’ll understand.

 

Meanwhile, upstairs, Lady Gaga and Will Drake are rolling around in bed together, but seeing as Will Drake is most definitely Teh Gay, it’s not really getting them anywhere. So Lady Gaga sends for Tristan to “fluff him up,” which Tristan would rather not do, thankyouverymuch. Unfortunately for Tristan, he doesn’t have much say in the matter. Get to fluffing!

Down in the lobby, Dr. Chloë requests Liz Taylor’s help with the whole John situation: he mustn’t know about Holden, because she can’t bear to lose him again. Liz Taylor agrees that everyone is entitled to their one true love, and they head down to the pool and destroy the coffins which seems shortsighted. Couldn’t they have just moved them? Maybe into one of the dozens of empty hotel rooms or something?

Anyway, the next step of Operation Keep John From Learning the Truth About His Fauxpire Son and Wife is to make John think (realize) he’s crazy. To this end, Dr. Chloë sneaks into John’s room and wakes him up, claiming that he called her and asked her to come help him, that he was seeing visions. John is like, “No, what had happened was I saw Holden and you and there was a coffin in a empty pool ….” So Dr. Chloë takes him down to the pool herself to show him that there’s nothing there, and John is like, “uhhhhhh….”

Elsewhere, Lady Gaga puts on a white ballgown and heads into room 33 which apparently is a nursery for Murder House Baby. There, she explains to Murder House Baby that she’s saying goodbye, that she is going to Paris. But soon she’ll have so much money she’ll never have to leave him again. Au revoir, Monster!

Down in the lobby, Ramona and Donovan come stalking in, right past Iris, and into the elevator. There, Donovan becomes a big baby about killing the fauxpire kids, and Ramona is like, “FINE. I’LL DO IT MYSELF.” As he heads up to the penthouse to — literally — sniff Lady Gaga’s panties, Ramona heads to the pool with Iris, only to find it empty. But instead of, say, going to the Nintendo and jelly bean room, Ramona demands the key to room 33, where she unsuccessfully hunts Murder House Baby. He’s surprisingly nimble for a 90-year-old 3-week fetus.

In the penthouse, Donovan’s panty sniffing is interrupted by the dead Swedes who are only now figuring out they are never leaving this place. Donovan explains that until they find a purpose, they will continue repeating the same behaviors over and over again. Donovan then shares with them a story about some woman who slit her wrists in a bathtub on the fifth floor, and whose body was left to rot for months. And somehow she got into the water supply?* So you shouldn’t drink the water on the fifth floor? As a ghost she wandered the hotel aimlessly, mostly just leaving wet spots on the carpet until she found her purpose: terrifying hotel guests. And the Swedes are like, “Cool, purpose, got it. So what’s your purpose?” And then Donovan has a sad as he explains he lost his when he lost Lady Gaga. WAH.

 

Later, Liz Taylor finds the door to room 33 ajar, and is like, “OH NO!” She informs Dr. Chloë that they have to find Murder House Baby before Lady Gaga returns, or they will all be in HUGE TROUBLE.

Down at the bar, Ramona tries to visit with her old buddy Liz Taylor. At first Liz Taylor is all, “You gots to leave,”  before immediately changing her mind and confessing everything about how she’s fallen in love with Lady Gaga’s boyfriend. Ramona advises that Liz Taylor and Tristan run for the hills, but Liz Taylor is like, “Pffft.”

Meanwhile, up on the fourth floor, the Swedes have found their purpose: having threesomes with random hotel guests and then murdering them. Dr. Chloë happens to find them post-murder, and is like, “Y’ALL, I KNOW THE PERFECT GUY FOR YOU TO MEET.”

Mr. Perfect is busy at the moment, stalking a crime scene in a church that he most definitely should not be at, yammering about how the victim, a televangelist, was “taking the Lord’s name in vain.” And his former partner is like, “Get out of here.”

So John heads back to the hotel where Liz Taylor finds him emptying a bottle in the hallway. When Liz Taylor tries to help him back to his room, John refuses, screaming at her, “THIS IS MY BREAKDOWN AND YOU’RE GOING TO LET ME HAVE IT.” So Liz Taylor is like, “Cool, whatever,” and beats a hasty retreat.

But John isn’t left alone, as the Swedes appear and are like, “Well, hello, Sailor.” The three go into John’s room where they have nasty ghost sex and roll around in blood, I don’t even know. At some point, John comes to and realizes that OMG HE IS HAVING NASTY GHOST SEX AND IS COVERED IN BLOOD. Naked and covered in blood, he runs down to the lobby in a panic, where Liz Taylor barely lifts an eyebrow.

 

They head back up to the room where Ghost Maid is busily gathering the bloodied sheets and the Swedes are just leaving, happy that they’ve found their “purpose” which I suppose is having bloody threesomes? Driving men insane? I don’t really know.

Nasty ghost threesomes is finally, FINALLY! a step too far for John, and he decides that he needs to leave this crazypants hotel once and for all. Before hopping into the shower, he throws his suitcase on the bed and Murder House Baby sneaks inside of it, because sure. OK. Sure.

John has picked Scarlett up on his way home, and as they go inside Scarlett scolds him for just leaving her at random friends’ homes. NOT COOL. And where is Mom anyway? John assures her that Dr. Chloë must be away on an emergency or something before going  upstairs to unpack. When he hears Scarlett crying in the other room, he goes to comfort her, bringing along with him a bloodied shirt, which, understandably freaks his daughter out. #parentinggoals

When he returns to his room, he notices that the contents of his suitcase are scattered around the room, so he grabs his gun and heads down to the kitchen where he finds Murder House Baby hanging out in his kitchen. He begins shooting at it, which, understandably, further freaks his daughter out. #fatheroftheyear

John’s former partner alerts Dr. Chloë to the situation, before driving poor Scarlett off to her grandmother’s house. Dr. Chloë suggests that John go inside and get some sleep and stop being so crazy. When he reminds her that it’s her bed, too, she’s all, “uhh, well, I mean…” and he accuses her of going back to the hotel before angrily slamming the door in her face.

And that’s when Dr. Chloë hears some rustling in the bushes and finds Murder House Baby.

Back at the hotel, Lady Gaga and Will Drake return from what must have been the shortest trip to Paris ever if this episode’s timeline means anything at all. As Liz Taylor helps her unload her luggage, she mentions she has something she’d like to discuss with Lady Gaga: she’s fallen in love for the first time. Lady Gaga is like, “Oh! Hooray for you!” until Liz Taylor is like, “wait for it: it’s with Tristan.” Lady Gaga is not amused and tells Liz Taylor she can have him only when she’s done with him. Lady Gaga don’t share. But Liz Taylor points out that time doesn’t exactly pass the same way for her as it does for Lady Gaga. In fact it’s kinda of the essence.

So Lady Gaga calls Tristan in to discuss the matter, and he points out that he knows she’s going to dump him soon enough. She’s addicted to the heartbreak she leaves in her wake. But he’d like to try real love, if that’s cool with her. Lady Gaga, stricken, agrees that Liz Taylor can have Tristen, right before she slices open his throat with her blood claw.

 

Finally, Lady Gaga changes into one of her formal baby gowns and heads into room 33 where she finds Dr. Chloë rocking Murder House Baby. Dr. Chloë explains that he got out and was hurt, but she found him and brought him back. Lady Gaga thanks her for saving her son, and Dr. Chloë points out that Lady Gaga saved hers. Which I suppose is true if by “saved” Dr. Chloë means “abducted and turned into a blood-drinking ageless monster.”

 

 

 

*So, this story of the woman committing suicide in the hotel only to — somehow — infect the water or whatever is based on a much, much, MUCH creepier true life story from the hotel that this series is partially based on. At the Hotel Cecil in Los Angeles, residents and hotel guests began complaining that the water tasted and smelled funny. When maintenance crews went up to the rooftop to investigate the water tanks, they found the body of Elisa Lam, which had gone unnoticed for five days. Even weirder, when they investigated her death, they found mysterious security footage of Lam behaving strangely in an elevator that had stopped working, acting as if she was hiding from someone.

I suppose the writers didn’t want to draw too many comparisons to the real case to spare Lam’s family and friends, and avoided the rooftop angle, but I still don’t understand how a body in a single bathtub in a single room could taint the water supply for an entire hotel room floor. I will accept ghost sex; I will accept immortal fetuses with a bad harelip; I will accept that Liz Taylor and Tristan were in love despite never preveiously having been in the same room together; but I will not accept that the water became tainted from this suicide. That’s just stupid.

American Horror Story: Hotel aired on FX.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Tubular.

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