‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Arousing cheese

Bachelor in Paradise
August 30, 2015

HOUR THIRTEEN.

[Symptoms: Migraine, increased paranoia, inability to complete tasks on time]

Last we saw of these dummies, LacePants had accepted a date invitation from the Golden Retriever, and Cleetus was NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. But in the sober clear light of day, LacePants has changed her mind, and decided to call the date off, because she was afraid Cleetus would reveal the defamatory text messages she sent him that he has on his phone she still “has Cleetus on [her] mind.” Sure. Ok. Sure.

She delivers this news to Cleetus, who is overjoyed. And naive. So naive. “Poor dumb naive Cleetus,” we all say.

LacePants then informs The Golden Retriever of these developments, effectively slapping the cone of shame around his neck.

Up Dug-I-Do-Not-Like-The-Cone-of-Shame-Up-2009

So he tucks his tail between his legs and lopes over to that Amber person to ask if she’d be interested in being his second choice, and she’s like, “Well, why not. I’m not getting any action from Dansome, so I might as well.”

The pair go into Sayulita where they happen upon a beach bar that just so happens to be having a full-on salsa dance lesson/party. What are the odds? And so they join in, awkwardly stumble around the dance floor for a few minutes and then Amber tears Golden Retriever’s shirt off revealing that Golden Retriever hasn’t fully learned the dangers of going to the beach without applying plenty of sunscreen. HOTTTTT. And by that, I mean, literally, his skin looks hot to the touch.

They then go into the water and make out because why not.

Back at Casa de Soltero, the final arrival of the week saunters in: Chris Bukowski from Saint Emily’s Season of The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad Season 3. Andi’s season of The Bachelorette (for about five seconds), Bachelor in Paradise Season One and now this. Here. Now. I called him Smug Chris for reasons that I think should be fairly obvious.

So Smug Chris arrives “coming in hot” as he put it, and preemptively announcing that he doesn’t care what people might think of him or the fact that his life choices have led him to become a professional Bachelor contestant. But instead of focusing his attention on the one woman he claims to be there for, Elevenley, he focuses in on his one true love: Jorge the Bartender.

Smug Chris drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks …

start-drinking-rhony

… and drinks and drinks and drinks …

kristen wiig drunk cinderella.gif

… drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks …

tina-amy-drinks-globes.gif

… and nearly falls into the bonfire where he would have become a one-man molotov cocktail had his foot slipped just a few inches to the right …

drunk we did it you and me love booze

…. and drinks and drinks and drinks.

whatever

Smug Drunk Chris finally gets around to asking Elevenley to go on his date with him, and she’s like, “I mean, I could go on the date with you, but you do know that if I did, nothing is going to happen between us right? Because you’re a mess. You are a gross, drunken mess. So maybe you’d have better luck with someone who is really into guys with Jagermeister breath.”

To add drunken insult to drunken injury, when Cousin Merl learns that Elevenley rejected Smug Drunk Chris’ date offer, he asks Smug Drunk Chris for his date card so that he can be the one to take out the woman who just rejected him. Smug Drunk Chris, he is broken, and he just hands it over because what’s even the point. And with that, Smug Drunk Chris stumbles out of the Bachelor universe forever. (Or at least according to this long letter he wrote on the internet, and explaining all of his terrible decision making. While I hope he finally finds whatever will make him happy and STOP COMING BACK TO BACHELOR SHOWS, I’ll believe he’s done with The Bachelor when I see it.)

adios chris b

Meanwhile, The Golden Retriever and that Amber person return from their date and Dansome takes her aside and is like, “I hope you had a good time with The Golden Retriever and fell in love with him and stuff because I’m totally not into you. Sorry not sorry.” Amber has a confused.

what-is-happening

And then we learn that Dansome has dumped this Amber person because he’s decided that he’s interested in LacePants. For some reason, the producers decided to edit out the part where he was hit upside the head with a blunt object, because I’M SORRY, WHAT’S THAT NOW? LACEPANTS? YOU’RE INTERESTED IN HER?

what-is-happening

The next morning, Elevenley and Cousin Merl go on their date: they fly to Guanajuato for a culinary tour with a local celebrity chef, and for a meal at his restaurant. It is a date that neither of them deserve. How do I know they don’t deserve this date? OH, I’LL TELL YOU. 1. At one point, Celebrity Chef convinces dumb-dumb Cousin Merl to eat a raw serrano pepper like it was piece of celery, a decision Cousin Merl instantly regrets. (Bueno prank, Celebrity Chef. Máximo de cinco, Celebrity Chef.). And 2. at their dinner, Cousin Merl claims that Celebrity Chef served them something that he describes as “arousing cheese.” Fun Fact! “Arousing Cheese” was the working title of this series.

HOUR FOURTEEN.

[Symptoms: 

everything hurts and I'm dying parks and rec

]

The night of the ceremonia de rosas, Khaste Kardashian delivers a three page, front and back, hand-written letter to Cousin Max explaining all of her “complicated emotions” for him. “I LIKE YOU. DO YOU LIKE ME, TOO? CHECK HERE FOR YES, CHECK HERE FOR NO.” Cousin Max, who was pretty sure he made his feelings about Khaste Kardashian perfectly clear, as in he had none, sighs heavily.

Meanwhile, The Golden Retriever tells that Amber girl that he’s like really attracted to her and would be “stoked” to stay in Casa de Soltero another week.

excited dug up

But Amber has other ideas. Now that Dansome is no longer interested, she’s set her sights on a new target: Cousin Max, because we haven’t had a good Khaste Kardashian crying jag in a while. She takes Cousin Max aside, informs him that she’s thinking about giving him her rose that night, if that’s cool with him. Cousin Max shrugs half-heartedly.

Meanwhile, Khaste Kardashian is off crying about how she “wants the love story” and that so far it’s not going the way she expected with Cousin Max, but maybe they’re meant to “make a different archetype.” And … look. I have literally written thousands upon thousands upon THOUSANDS of words about archetypes. I have no idea what she is trying to say here.

The point is, Khaste Kardashian takes it really well when Amber does the respectful thing and inform her that she is interested in getting to know Cousin Max. HAHA, just kidding, she bursts into hot angry tears and declares this free trip to Mexico as being “the worst experience of [her] life.” OK.

Meanwhile, a clearly concussed Dansome is still interested in LacePants, and he takes her aside to warn her about “Joe Dirt” a nickname I am kicking myself for not coming up with for Cleetus. JOE DIRT.

joe dirt.gif

So Dansome takes LacePants aside and very slowly explains to her that Cleetus is bad people and that she can do better. SO CAN YOU, DANSOME. SO CAN YOU, BUDDY.

Cleetus knows exactly what Dansome is up to, and so he interrupts the conversation to take LacePants aside for the tongue bath. It’s gross. To his credit, he then returns her to Dansome, who continues to rant against Cleetus, because ick. Cleetus.

Ceremonia de rosas time.

Glitter Girl offers her rose to Kirk.

Boobs McTrashShoes offers her rose to Tanner.

Elevenley offers her rose to Cousin Merl.

Other Widow offers her rose to Family First.

Bloomin’ Onion offers her rose to that Nick person.

Khaste Kardashian offers her rose to Cousin Max.

Amber offers her rose to The Golden Retriever.

LacePants offers her rose to Dansome after talking about “drama” again.

Which means Cleetus is going home, because LacePants is, as Tanner describes her, the “spider-woman chess master” whatever the hell that is. But Cleetus isn’t going home without a fight, and he confronts LacePants about the fact that they had been building a relationship for a month and a half before the show began. And in between whining about “drama,” LacePants admits that she had been talking to 4 — FOUR! — people before the show began. And this is not slut shaming, because I don’t care how many people girlfriend sleeps with, you do you, LacePants, but if leading on four different men prior to the show to increase your odds in the competition isn’t manipulative, I don’t know what the word”manipulative” even means. FOUR. FOUR DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

Anyway, Cleetus eventually loads himself up into the Vete Ahora van with a cerveza and rants that 1. he will beat up Dansome if he ever sees him in public, 2. shows the infamous “do whatever it takes” text from LacePants, and 3. declares that he deserves better than the likes of LacePants.

Do you, though? Do you, Cleetus?

85885-Stephen-Colbert-eyebrows-shrug-yBHa

JOE

 

LacePants returns to the group and is like, “That guy, what a jerk, amirtie?” But instead of applauding her for sending Cleetus home, Cousin Max calls her out on her responsibility for the whole ugly mess, and Bloomin’ Onion begins rambling incoherently about how beautiful LacePants is. In response, LacePants bursts into tears, and Dansome comforts her, assuring her that she is a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong. And by “good” he means “hot” and by “hasn’t done anything wrong” he means, “I want to get into those lace pants.”

But before anyone can go to bed — and if you’ve read the piece on Michael Garofola, you know that it’s probably 3, 4 o’clock in the morning by now — they meet their newest castmate: Chelsie from Juan Pablo’s season who was eliminated before I came up with an embarrassing nickname for her. “Yaaaay. It’s a new cast member,” everyone yawns. “Yay.”

The next morning, Glitter Girl, in an attempt to set the stage for LacePants to be sent home in the next ceremonia de rosas, takes Chelsie aside to let her know who is paired up with whom, and basically lies that Dansome is the only guy available to ask out. Nevermind Cousin Max, Nick, or Justin. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THEM, Glitter Girl insists. THEY DO NOT EXIST. And so we end the episode with Chelsie asking Dansome to talk. ¡CLIFFHANGER!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Los santos and tequila preserve me.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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