June 23, 2014
A point of Bachelor business we need to get out of the way before we get to this week’s episode: as you probably have heard by now, Marquel, aka “Cookie Monster,” is going to be joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise.
Look. Last week when I was agitating for Marquel to be the next Bachelor, I knew perfectly well it was going to go down like this. I knew they were never going to make him the Bachelor, just as I knew that there was a strong chance they were going to put him in the door prize that is Bachelor in Paradise and expect everyone to just be happy with that. And I knew all of this because the truth is The Producers of The Bachelor have absolutely no intention in ever having an African-American Bachelor. Not ever. And they have no intention in having an African-American Bachelor because of racism. I’m not saying that The Producers themselves are card-carrying KKK members or anything, but I am saying that someone, be it The Producers or ABC themselves, someone in a decision-making position is under the impression that audiences are not interested in watching a black Bachelor. Because if Marquel, who is charming and intelligent and kind and telegenic and a fan-favorite, if he’s not good enough to be the Bachelor, there is one major reason: the color of his skin.
That all said, I will grant you that Juan Pablo probably had a chilling effect on The Producers’ willingness to cast as the Bachelor a contestant who hadn’t made it to at least the hometowns. The hometown visits do seem to be a good vetting process for The Producers, and audiences tend to bond with contestants that make it that far. But if I had to bet on who is going to be our next Bachelor right now, I’d put my money on Farmer Teeth, and all I have to say about Farmer Teeth is that if he becomes the Bachelor, all my box wine is going to have to be replaced with an IV of 5 Hour Energy cut with Red Bull. Because SNORE.
It should have been you, Cookie Monster.
As for this episode, the man herd is shepherded from France to Venice. Winner Josh would like us to know that Venice is “gorgeous” and that there are “no words” to describe how “gorgeous” it is and in conclusion: “gorgeous.” As for CODY!, the remaining contestant who has yet to go on a 1-on-1 date with Andi, HE IS IN VENICE THIS IS CRAZY!
The man herd are greeted by Andi who announces that there is no date card, her 1-on-1 date begins right now and it’s with
CODY! Wesley Snipes. CODY! has no idea what just happened, and is shoved back on a boat with the other men and sent away to some hotel that is described as being “minutes” from Venice (note: it is nowhere near Venice) while Wesley Snipes giggles manically.
Andi explains that she knows her choice for this date is confusing for the other men, but that she has some lingering doubts about Wesley Snipes after his “salty” behavior on the stupid mime date in Marseilles. So the two wander around Venice and eat some doughy-looking tourist pizza and they allow pigeons to crawl all over their heads in Piazzo San Marco which is just so gross and they eat some gelato and they try on stupid masquerade masks which The Producers use as a grand metaphor for Wesley Snipes’ caginess because The Producers just can not stop themselves with the obvious metaphors.
The pair then are gondolaed around Venice, and Wesley Snipes is all, “So, I’m sorry I was a jerkface back in Marseilles.” And then they make out under the Bridge of Sighs as is required.
That night, Andi puts on a fancy ball gown and gondolas down a canal where she picks up Wesley Snipes in a tuxedo that he does not fill out very well, and the two are brought to an old palazzo where dinner is waiting for them. Andi gets straight to business and asks Wesley Snipes if what the other men are saying about him are true: that he is arrogant, and that he’s not getting along with the rest of them. “Uh, yeah?” says Wesley Snipes, “Because I’m pretty sure I am the frontrunner?” He then tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her, and that’s all she needs to hear to give him the date rose, arrogance or no arrogance.
They then pull out some Eyes Wide Shut masks that they strap on and dance in the courtyard, and nope. That is just some straight-up nightmare fuel right there, no thank you.
Back at the not Venice hotel, the group date card arrives for Winner Josh, Coach, Gordon Gekko, The Texan Pole, Bill the Pants Guy and Farmer Teeth. CODY! IS VERY HAPPY!
The next day Andi receives another boring note from her boring secret admirer and I just don’t get the point. I DON’T GET THE POINT.
Andi then meets the man herd in Monselice, which is far closer to the hotel than the hotel is to Venice. There they stare at cobblers and Andi walks around with a balloon for some reason and they watch a terrifying marionette show that they act like they understand but which they do not understand.
Andi then leads the man herd up to a castle where they are greeted by a humorless pair of Italians there to give them lie detector tests. Most of the men greet this news with a chuckle, but Winner Josh is completely unglued at the notion of taking a lie detector test, HE’S NEVER LIED TO HER, HE THOUGHT THEY TRUSTED EACH OTHER, WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS TO HIM, HOW CORRECT ARE THESE TESTS ANYWAY, HOW CAN HE EXPLAIN HIMSELF IF THEY ONLY ASK YES AND NO QUESTIONS and other protestings that he doth too much.
Andi takes the lie detector test first, answering such difficult questions as: “Is Italy your favorite country?” and “Do you think all of the guys are here for the right reasons?” It’s some riveting stuff.
The men, in turn, are asked questions like:
- Have you ever cheated on a test?
- Are you here for the right reasons?
- Are you ready for marriage?
- Do you prefer blondes over brunettes?
- Do you want kids?
- Have you slept with over 20 women?
- Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?
- Have you lied to Andi?
- Are you her secret admirer?
- Have you ever fought (or maybe it was fart) in public? Either way, really.
After taking the test, Gordon Gekko (who answered yes to the 20 women question), excuses himself back to the hotel, suddenly not feeling well. As for Farmer Teeth, he’s in a panic because, as it turns out, he is the stupid secret admirer, and he didn’t want her to find out this way.
The stern Italian men emerge from the castle and announce that 3 of the men told no lies, 1 man told 2 lies and 1 man told 3 lies, before handing Andi a file with their results. The stern Italian men then announce that Andi herself told 2 lies, before giving Coach her file. Coach immediately opens it and reveals that Andi lied about Italy being her favorite country and that she thinks all of the men are here for the right reasons. SCANDALOUS. In turn, Andi rips up the men’s results without looking at them so as to demonstrate that she trusts them or some nonsense. WHAT WAS THE POINT THEN? Ugh. Shenanigans. I CALL SHENANIGANS.
That night the group returns to the castle for the cocktail party, where Coach immediately pulls Andi away to have her perform her own lie detector test on him by checking his pulse and then chewing on her face for a while. The Texan Pole then takes Andi aside to ask her if she regrets tearing up the results and to chew on her face for a while. And then Farmer Teeth pulls Andi away to confess that he’s the secret admirer and chew on her face for a while.
Then there’s Winner Josh. Even though Andi tore up the results, he’s still indignant that she would even make him take a lie detector test in the first place, because it’s somehow all about him? and how much Andi trusts him? even though she’s only known him for, what, six weeks now? and there were a bunch of other guys who also took the lie detector test and didn’t have a giant freak out about it? Andi is no dummy and questions why Winner Josh is so bent out of shape about something that the other men regarded with a sense of humor, and wonders if she should have looked at his results after all. (YES. YOU SHOULD HAVE. THERE IS CLEARLY A MRS. WINNER JOSH OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, IS WHAT I AM SAYING.)
So then Andi gives Farmer Teeth the date rose, and everyone is like, “Hey, congratulations, Teeth,” except for Bill the Pants Guy who pouts that they can’t be friends anymore.
As for CODY!, Andi brings him to Verona, which, as anyone who has been through 9th grade can tell you is the setting for Romeo and Juliet. And as anyone who has been through 9th grade can also tell you, Romeo and Juliet were totally fictional characters based on ancient stories that date back to Ovid, and Shakespeare, as far as anyone knows, never traveled outside of England, so “Juliet’s balcony” in the center of Verona is a bunch of tourist nonsense designed to separate illiterate Americans from their Euros. Like CODY! here who CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S REALLY HERE AT JULIET’S BALCONY!
The pair then go to Club Giulietta, some organization that takes in the thousands of letters written to Juliet from the lovelorn all over the world. There, Andi and CODY! are tasked with drafting letters in response to some of these missives, including one from a recent divorcé who is nervous about rejoining the dating scene, and another from a shy guy who is worried that his beloved won’t notice him. HAVE CONFIDENCE! writes CODY! IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT SHE WILL LIKE YOU! writes CODY!
CODY! then goes outside and cries to The Producers about how much he likes Andi.
That evening, Andi wears her flesh-colored dress leggings which I first mistook for no pants which, on second thought they were, because LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND FIND YOUR PANTS. Instead, Andi escorts CODY! up to a palazzo where they have dinner and CODY! reads to her a letter he wrote about how special she is and how he connected with her the moment she emerged from the limo on Juan Pablo’s season and how he can’t wait to go on many more dates with her and how he wants her to help him write their love story and how he wants to take her home to his family and that he never expected this and that he just wants to grab her and hug her and kiss her.
Meanwhile, Andi makes this face the entire time:
… because go home, CODY!, no rose for you.
Finally, some winery somewhere is the setting for the rose ceremony, and as soon as the men arrive, Wesley Snipes swoops in and drags Andi away, infuriating the rest of the men since he has a rose already. “OOH, THAT GUY!” fume the other men.
After talking to and making out with the rest of the men, Andi sits down with Winner Josh who says he wants to clear up some things about their last conversation. But instead of clearing anything up, he gets all grumbly and defensive, complaining AGAIN that she didn’t trust him because she made him take this lie detector test WHICH FIVE OTHER GUYS ALSO HAD TO TAKE BUT DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH. Ugh. This guy.
Finally, Chris Harrison steals Andi away and the two blah blah blah a while about what a combative jerk Winner Josh is being and how ALARM BELLS SHOULD BE GOING OFF IN ANDI’S HEAD RIGHT NOW, and then she is sent off to stare at the Glamour Shots Alcove of Contemplation before she is allowed to pass out the roses.
Rose #1: Gordon Gekko
Rose #2: Coach
Rose #3: The Texan Pole
Rose #4: Winner Josh
Which means, goodbye Bill the Pants Guy. Though you tried to foment trouble by gossiping about the other men and had a little baby snit when you didn’t receive the group date rose, I liked you. But I think that had to do with you being a tall gangly white guy with a penchant for bow ties who reminds me a bit of my own husband more than anything else.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.