June 16, 2014
This week we’ve evacuated the Indian casino, and begun the actual traveling portion of the season in Marseilles, France, because no one cares about Connecticut, that doesn’t count as part of “the journey,” but seriously, though. While Andi has never been to France before, D-Bag Twin #1 would like us to know that he has spent plenty of time in St. Tropez, Monaco and other vacation favorites for the rich and d-baggish. Related: The editors hate this guy so hard.
Before the dates begin, Chris Harrison meets Andi at a cafe to chat about the process and ask if she’s falling in love. She gives a non-answer: maybe? sorta? Because it’s A LITTLE EARLY FOR THE “L” WORD, HARRISON. AND THAT GOES FOR YOU, TOO, TEXAS POLISH GUY.
The first date card arrives for the men: “Winner Josh: S’il vous plaît merci où est la bibliothèque, ❤ Andi.” Winner Josh describes the date as “a playoff game” because everything is sportsball with this guy. In fact, that’s Andi’s big problem with him: dating athletes hasn’t exactly worked out well for her in the past (Exhibit A: Juan Pablo, ees okay). The two spend the day walking around Marseilles for a while, talking about sportsball before getting on a sailboat where they talk about sportsball and sail to The Calanques where they get out and have a picnic and talk about sportsball. Winner Josh claims that though he was chosen in the second round of the draft, he left a professional baseball career behind because he wanted to have a family. Considering he was 17 years old when he was drafted and spent five years playing, that would make him 22 years old when he “retired” to focus on his non-existent wife and children. And I’m not calling shenanigans except OH WAIT, YES I TOTALLY AM.
They finish the evening at the Palais Longchamp, where they have dinner and talk about how in the past Andi has not had good luck dating the sportsball players because they are big cheating cheaters who cheat. Winner Josh counters with a story about how an ex-girlfriend cheated on him because she thought he was cheating on her because of sportsball. And in conclusion, Winner Josh receives the date rose because of course he receives the date rose, he’s going to win this whole thing, and they have a “private concert” by someone named Ben Fields, which shocks and surprises Winner Josh because he has never seen a single episode of this series, apparently. And also, too, sportsball.
At the hotel, the men receive the group date card, but not before D-Bag Twin #1 whines about wanting the 1-on-1 date, which just guarantees that he won’t have it. And in fact: “Texas Pole, Gordon Gekko, Farmer Teeth, CODY!, Cookie Monster, Bill the Pants Guy, D-Bag Twin #2, Wesley Snipes, D-Bag Twin #1: ❤ Andi.” Nothing else is on the card, just her signature, thus utterly confounding the man-apes.
Later, Coach, Bill the Pants Guy, Wesley Snipes and Cookie Monster are hanging out when Bill the Pants Guy is like, “Hey, remember that time that D-Bag Twin #1 said that racist thing about Cookie Monster and Ron being ‘blackies’ on the first night? I just now remembered that, too, which is why it took me a month to mention it.” Cookie Monster is understandably upset by this revelation, and in a vulnerable and teary interview with The Producers, he laments that no matter what, his race will always be the first thing people identify about him. It’s genuine, it’s heart-felt and it’s heart-breaking and I am not used to The Bachelor or The Bachelorette giving me The Feels. I do not like it.
So let’s enjoy this Cookie Monster gif again:
AND LET’S MAKE COOKIE MONSTER THE NEXT BACHELOR ALREADY, YOU GUYS.
But back to the nonsense. The next day, the man-apes are led by Andi through the poor put-upon town of Marseilles to a mime school on account of the fact that everyone loves mimes. Also: France.
Miming miming mining, and the men are given striped shirts, suspenders and doofy hats, shoved out into a town square and forced to MIME FOR THEIR LIVES. It’s far less funny, humiliating or interesting than The Producers thought it would be.
That evening, Andi leads them to the cocktail party, where Bill the Pants Guy immediately invites her to a little private time on the Ferris Wheel outside. While they are busy spinning over the harbor, a weird fight that I don’t entirely understand breaks out between CODY! and Wesley Snipes: something about Wesley Snipes laughing at CODY! for saying that he was thankful for being there and calling him, “Mr. Thankful”?
Before we continue: LOL. All of the lulz.
So CODY! gets all roidy and up in Wesley Snipes’ face: Wesley Snipes is cocky and thinks that he’s the frontrunner and he’s cocky and SO WHAT IF CODY! SAYS HE’S THANKFUL? HE IS THANKFUL, HOMIE. HE IS THANKFUL, BRO.
Andi and Bill the Pants Guy return to a cloud of testosterone and misplaced outrage. Trying to figure out what the problem is, Andi takes Farmer Teeth aside for the scoop. But having seen an episode or two of this show before coming on it, Farmer Teeth does not want to be tattler, as nothing good happens to them. He panics and mumbles something about Wesley Snipes before being dismissed. Andi then talks to CODY! who mentions that Wesley Snipes made fun of him and called him “Mr. Thankful.” It never gets old.
Having heard from both Farmer Teeth and CODY! two of the
dopiest “nicest” guys remaining that Wesley Snipes is being snippy, Andi takes Wesley Snipes aside and is like, “Yo, did you call CODY! ‘Mr. Thankful?'” And Wesley Snipes is like, “YEP! LOL! SORRY NOT SORRY.” Wesley Snipes then declares that he is not her “secret admirer” but that he has written something for her, and begins reading that when he sees her, he “blushes” and he “bursts with excitement” and he sees “strength” and “beauty” and “purpose” and OH GOD I AM HAVING BIG PUN FLASHBACKS MAKE IT STOP. And then they kiss because Andi is easily duped.
Meanwhile, Cookie Monster finally confronts D-Bag Twin #1 about the “blackie” comment, which D-Bag Twin #1 insists he never made. He is not very convincing. Cookie Monster doesn’t press the issue, but instead leaves it to the other men to come to their own conclusions as to whether D-Bag Twin #1 is a racist d-bag, confident that he has spoken his “truth.”
And then Andi gives the date rose to Bill the Pants Guy even though Cookie Monster obviously deserved it.
Back at the hotel, Coach receives his date card: “Got the recipe for love? ❤ Andi.” The next morning, Andi picks Coach up at the hotel and takes him to a “movie theater” which is less “theater” and more “someone’s living room with a popcorn cart from Sky Mall in the corner.” There they have a screening of some movie that I’ve never heard of that is about cooking or eating or maybe going grocery shopping? Unclear.
The movie commercial out of the way, Andi and Coach go shopping at the local market to pick up a few ingredients that they intend to cook back at Andi’s apartment. After eating sea urchin (DO NOT EAT SEA URCHIN — this from a sushi enthusiast. Seriously, just say no to sea urchin.), and buying some frog legs, they go to her apartment and awkwardly thrash around in the kitchen for a while, with nothing to say to one another.
Actual sample conversation:
Andi: “How do you like your broccoli cooked?”
Coach: “Different ways.”
WHOA, IT’S NOT JUST THE STOVE THAT IS HEATING UP IN HERE!
Andi complains about the lack of romance happening, while Coach bumbles around the kitchen in a panic, not ever having cooked anything before and suddenly I realize what is happening here: on the “Biggest Fears” line on The Bachelorette application, Coach filled in “sautéing and mincing.” That, and he has the conversational deftness of a high school basketball coach.
The dinner ends up a bland brown mess, but instead of ordering him back to the hotel to get his things and go, the two have a proper dinner at a real restaurant. Presumably there Coach has more to say, and it is marginally more interesting than the series of grunts and dumbfounded stares that he offered back at the apartment, because Andi offers him the date rose.
Finally, the night of the rose ceremony arrives, and Andi summons Chris Harrison to announce that there is no need for a cocktail party, she’s ready to send some suckers home.
Rose #1: Texas Pole
Rose #2: Wesley Snipes
Rose #3: Farmer Teeth
Rose #4: Gordon Gekko
Rose #5: CODY!
Which means: Goodbye, D-Bag Twin #1. It’s sad how you were “bullied” by being called out for getting that hostess’ phone number and being a racist d-bag. Why won’t people be tolerant of your intolerance? And goodbye, D-Bag Twin #2. I”m sure that plenty of people, “not just girls,” have told you that you have qualities that would make you a good husband and that Andi is “missing something” by eliminating you, namely having one less self-impressed d-bag hanging around.
But it also means goodbye, Cookie Monster, the only one of the three eliminated men who leaves on a classy, non-selfish note, shrugging that it wasn’t meant to be. He then begins crying that he’s “not anything special,” but that he “wants love” and that it is something he looks forward to. And though I usually mock people for crying on this dumb show, I’m going to give him a pass, because me love Cookie. (He’s good enough for me.)
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.