‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ Reunion: Welcome to the Boringdome

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Reunion, Part 1”
October 7, 2013

How to even begin with this reunion special? It was civilized? I guess? Compared to the clusterscopare that these reunion shows — New Jersey most especially — often become, this one was downright civilized. There was no yelling, Andy Cohen didn’t get shoved, no one broke anything backstage, no weird accusations about famiglia were cryptically disclosed sending someone into a blinding spitting rage … It was, all-in-tutti, civilized. Which, to the casual viewer, also made it oppressively boring. After all, there was no yelling, Andy Cohen didn’t get shoved, no one broke anything backstage, no weird accusations about famiglia were cryptically disclosed sending someone into a blinding spitting rage …

However, beneath the manicured calm one could make out ever-so-slightly the suggestion that all was not what it seemed. Teresa is clearly being coached by image consultants and crisis managers to control her temper, lest she be viewed by potential judges or juries as a hotheaded pazza. What is interesting is that everyone else has seemed to either explicitly or implicitly agreed to play along and remain calm, too. While Teresa and Melissa insisted that they have put the past behind them and are getting along just great these days, the sentiment was made was through gritted teeth. And it didn’t take much scratching at their kumbaya surface for old resentments to come trickling out — albeit, in a much calmer, more practiced (boring) manner.

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Of course, there’s still another hour of reunion left to air on Sunday night so there’s still time for our goombahs to go berserk. In the meantime, you might want to pour yourself a triple shot latte, because mio dio, this is one tedioso reunion special.

Andy Cohen begins the reunion by reminding us of last year’s superior reunion where, instead of putting horse tranquilizers in everyone’s Fabellini, he clearly injected them full of a adderall-meth cocktail, shoved them in cocktail gowns and then things went completely batmerda insane. So how does everyone feel about being in the same room together again? Jacqueline is the first to declare that things are so much better — and boring, madonna mia, so boring — between them. Andy Cohen confirms with Teresa that she no longer feels like everyone is against her, and with a curt nod she agrees. Well, super. Can we just go home then?

Andy Cohen mentions the indictments di Meatballs and asks Teresa what kind of support she’s received from the group. Teresa says that the entire cast has reached out to her, presumably through texxes, and that their support is very touching. Andy Cohen asks the rest of the ladies if they saw this particular plot twist coming: Melissa was SHOCKED! OF COURSE NOT! But Caroline is a bit cagier, explaining that she knew something was going on, but yous know, they don’t talk about these sorts of things. Kathy adds that it was a “personal” issue and not their business, and Teresa flatly declares that “it could happen to anyone.” Uh, no? No, it couldn’t? It’s actually really very unlikely that being charged with 39 counts of bank and tax fraud would happen to anyone?

Andy Cohen then starts with the viewer questions: Caroline, you’ve said you were not proud of your behavior last season. What do you think of your behavior this season? Signed, Caroline Manzo “Victor” from “Houston.” Caroline is more than happy to literally pat herself on the back for her portrayal behavior this season, thank yous very much, Victor.

This leads us into Caroline’s montage: The completely unnecessary Hoboken apartment! Albert being a jerkface! The kids making worried faces at her! Andy Cohen asks Caroline if she’s back to living in Franklin Lakes full time, and she confirms that Hoboken was a failed experiment and that she’s back to living in her McMenagerie. Caroline is asked about Albert and his rather, let’s say, gruff behavior, and she dismisses the implication that he’s abusive. Does she look like someone who could be pushed around? Come on, Andy Cohen.

This brings Andy Cohen to the whole cheating business, where, in an interview, Caroline made a strange statement about how she would be stupid if she thought after 32 years of marriage that Albert had been faithful the whole time. Which is a weird thing to say unless, you know, you think maybe your husband cheated on you? But Caroline disagrees, stating emphatically that Albert has not cheated on her, but adds that it would be presumptuous to believe that he hadn’t. I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s definitely weird. Melissa strongly disagrees, adding that she’d personally kill her husband if he cheated, but whatever works for the Manzos, she guesses.

Andy Cohen turns to Teresa, and asks if she thinks Meatball has ever been unfaithful and bless her delusional heart, she’s all: NOT EVER. In fact, the rumors about Meatball and their babysitter/secretary (babytary? secresitter?) would have been funny if they hadn’t made that poor girl’s life so miserable. Andy Cohen asks if this was the same secretary Jac brought up in the last reunion, and both Tre and Jac confirm that it is. So why drag her into it, Jac? But Jacqueline refuses to answer, claiming that she doesn’t want to “go there,” and that she crossed a line. SO THAT’S HOW THIS REUNION IS GOING TO GO. Alright! Pack up the box wine and put on a pot of coffee. Maybe break out the 5 Hour Energy Drink, this is going to go long. And boring. So long and boring.   

Caroline is asked if watching Teresa and il Follettos make up — such as they did — made her want to reach out to Dina, and Caroline is all, NOPE. Andy Cohen mentions an interview Dina recently gave in which she basically is all, “Teresa is a better person than my sorella, fact.” But Caroline is like, “I see what you’re doing, Andy Cohen, and I’m not falling for it.”

So Andy Cohen moves on and asks Caroline if she thinks it was a mistake for Melissa to join the show. Caroline doesn’t go so far as to say it was, but she does note that by doing so, Melissa and Teresa brought their fight to the show. Andy Cohen reminds everyone that Caroline once stated the obvious: that Melissa and Teresa are exactly. alike. Because they are! They are exactly the same! (Except when it comes to forehead measurements.) But Melissa, she DOTH TAKE OFFENSE. Irrefutable proof? If she and Teresa were so much alike, they’d get along better. BOOM. AIRTIGHT. ARGUE WITH THAT LOGIC.

Instead, Andy Cohen asks Melissa about her stupid new single, “Never Let Me Go,” and she explains that blah blah blah blah blah I don’t care. There is some sort of “controversy” about a version of her performance at the radio station that was leaked that contained “the real audio?” Consider my curiosity peaked!

But this is all I can find:

And, I just don’t know. It’s not that bad? Not really. I don’t want to be easy on Melissa, but the truth is, in the vast, terrible universe of Housewife recordings, it could be worse. So much worse.

That said, it’s not Gone with the Wind Fabulous.

After The Official Melissa Montage, Andy Cohen tells Melissa that there were a number of questions from fans about the choice to discuss her father’s infidelity in her book. YEAH, WELL, I DIDN’T DO THAT. I talked around his infidelity. It was more of an implication of infidelity, Andy Cohen. A suggestion. A hint, Melissa argues. Teresa begins grousing that she thought it was weird that as a member of Melissa’s famiglia, she had to learn the truth about Melissa’s padre on television. Melissa counters that it’s not exactly a subject that she wants to talk about, and Teresa is like, “EXCEPT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.” Point Tre.

Andy asks Melissa about her choice to not include Folletto on the cover of her book about their marriage, and she declares this a backhanded dig by Teresa. Melissa didn’t ask Teresa why she picked only one of her figlie for the cover of her book. UH, YOUS JUST DID, responds Teresa. SHE WAS GIVING AN EXAMPLE, TRE, SO IT DOESN’T COUNT, replies Melissa. Seems like things are just peachy between these two!

Andy Cohen notes that in her blog, Melissa said her book is “full of real words” not just recipes, and Melissa is like, “I love cookbooks! But putting my name on a bunch of ghost-written words about how marital rape is awesome is hard work, yous guys.” Andy Cohen skips over the marital rape part and instead asks her about the fact that she wrote that she hires all of Folletto’s secretaries, lest he employ a former Miss New Jersey. Andy Cohen says that it sounds like she keeps Folletto on a “short leash,” and by “short leash” he means she doesn’t trust her husband as far as she could throw his dense little sphere of a body. “Nope! I don’t!” chirps a woman in one of the saddest marriages I’ve ever heard of. Andy Cohen asks her to compare her marriage to Caroline’s, again, for some reason, and Caroline interjects that she has gone to strip clubs and had lap dances with Albert. SO MUCH INFORMATION, CAROLINE. INFORMATION THAT IS REALLY NOT THAT RELEVANT, CAROLINE. NOW I CAN’T GET THAT MENTAL IMAGE UNSTUCK, CAROLINE. PORCA VACCA.

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Some sassy viewer asks Melissa why it is that none of the other ladies have people coming forward with dirt on them (actually, they have, but whatever), and Melissa goes on a long rant about how her friend Jan sold her out because she wanted her salon to be on the show. Now, this is entirely plausible, especially if Jan believed she had hit the jackpot when one of her best friends became a Housewife and would be forever filming in her salon only to have Melissa never film in her salon. However! That isn’t exactly the question at hand. Melissa goes on to explain that she received a texxes from Jan, warning her that she and Teresa were out to get her. At this revelation, Andy Cohen turns to Teresa and says that it sounds like Jan sold Tre down the river. “Yeah, I’m not going to talk about that,” Teresa non-engages. When Andy Cohen asks Melissa why she didn’t make more of an effort to put Jan in her place at the Mortadella event, Melissa huffs that she is a Klassy Lady who has children at home. Which: 1. HA! 2. No, you’re not and 3. Even if you were — WHICH YOU ARE NOT — it’s never stopped you before.

Andy Cohen mentions that there were some reports that Teresa was out having sushi with Kim D. (ugh, that one) and Jan, and Teresa clarifies that she was having sushi with Kim D. when Jan came over and said hello. IT WAS A COINCIDENCE, ANDY COHEN.

Teresa then lays out her ever-so-clever Illuminati-Radar Online-Reptilian conspiracy: Melissa has a contract with Radar Online where as long as she feeds them nasty stories about Teresa, they’ll leave Melissa alone. Melissa is OUTRAGED! but doesn’t exactly deny it, not entirely. Instead, she asks where Teresa heard such a thing and pouts that Teresa should have called her and asked her about it. So Teresa informs her that actually, she called Folletto and asked him about it. WELL, THEN, YOUS SHOULDN’T HAVE, Melissa cleverly retorts. That’s when Teresa becomes Alex Jones and breaks down the evidence for her theory: Radar Online was the only gross gossip outlet that didn’t report on the real audio from Melissa’s performance at the radio station. Q.E.Duh, Melissa has some sort of relationship with them. 

Dio mio, we are only 25 minutes into this merdashow? And it’s the Kathy Montage? I am going to require all of the caffines.

So the Kathy Montage ends with her whining about her voice or how no one listens to her or something, I don’t really know because I fast-forwarded through it. Jacqueline cracks essentially the same joke by playing with her nails and asking “What’s that?” when the montage ends; high-five, Jac. Good one, lady. Kathy explains that she just doesn’t have a loud voice and she doesn’t like conflict. SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON THIS SHOW? A viewer asks if Kathy would approve of her daughter Whatsherface marrying someone as belittling as Jeff Goldblum Jr., and Kathy waves her husband off as having a sense of humor, not being a chauvinist porco.

Andy Cohen asks Teresa about her shady comments regarding Kathy’s cannoli — how they were “edible,” and Teresa shrugs it off because Teresa. Come on, it’s not the worst thing she’s ever said, not even in that episode, don’t be a baby. The viewers want to know what Kathy thinks about her husband tweeting insulting things to female viewers, and Kathy is all STEP TO US, YOUS GONNA GET PUNCHED. Which, whoa! Kathy! I understand your general point, but maybe cool it with the hitting ladies metaphors? Maybe when defending your husband against accusations of bullying women, you avoid describing him as “punching” them? Just a thought.

Andy Cohen turns his attention to Jacqueline and asks her about Potatoee Face being back at home with them, doing nothing while she waits to go to cosmetology school. Super great idea, everyone! Falling into old dynamics and patterns with your lazy, lazy, terrible daughter certainly won’t happen with this set of circumstances! (I will say that Potatoee Face looks great after undergoing the world-famous Los Angeles Shame Diet.)

Andy Cohen introduces the Jacqueline’s Kid Has Autism Montage which makes all the ladies cry (except for Teresa and Melissa because sociopaths lack empathy). Jacqueline assures Andy Cohen that Nicholas is doing well — that he is a joy and a challenge every day. She adds that while some people appreciate her bringing awareness to her son’s condition, others have accused her of exploiting him. YEAH, I NEVER KNEW HOW MEAN PEOPLE COULD BE UNTIL I WENT ON A REALITY SHOW, Melissa interrupts. Really? Really, though, Melissa? It took you being on a reality show and having strangers tweet at you that you’re a cheating puttana and your husband is two inches tall to realize that maybe the human condition isn’t all glitter and butterfly kisses? Huh.

But back to Jac. Her list of plastic surgeries include, but are not limited to: boobs, tummy, neck and nose –and the botox/fillers that are part of every Housewife contract, of course. A viewer asks Caroline if she thinks Jacqueline gets so much plastic surgery as a coping mechanism, and Caroline is all, “quit being stupid.”

And then Andy Cohen GOES THERE. “Hey, Jacqueline, has Dina reached out to you since the diagnosis?” And for a moment, the briefest moment, Jacqueline panics. “Uh … uh … um, no? I mean, no.”

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WOW, WHAT? I mean, again, we don’t know what the deal is with the Dina vs. her famiglia feud because Caroline has SHUT THAT DOWN, but not reaching out to her fratello when his son has been diagnosed with Autism is pretty merdoso, no matter what that fratello might have done to you. Team Anyone But Dina. (Who is rumored to be returning next season, yous guys.)

Andy Cohen then asks Jacqueline which relationship was more painful to lose: Dina or Tre, and Jac is like, “Tre, no contest.” IN YOUR FACE, DINA.

When we return from commercial, Meatball and Folletto have been herded out onto the couches, and Andy Cohen begins by asking Folletto if he and his sorella are on buono terms, why are he and Melissa moving away? “Because of reasons,” say il Follettos. And with that, we get the Meatball/Folletto Saga Montage.

Someone asks Teresa why she doesn’t stand up for her fratello when people attacked him and his famiglia, and Tre gets all defensive with a snippy, “How do you know I don’t?” I mean aside from all of the scenes of you sitting with Kim D. and a bunch of other trouble makers while they call your sorella-in-law a cheating puttana and you doing nothing at all, I guess you’ve got a point. Melissa becomes huffy and points out that Teresa has flipped tables and chased Square Boobs around country clubs for lesser crimes, so where was the table flip in her honor? Teresa flatly argues that she’s not that person anymore, and Melissa chastises her for giving those people a platform in the first place.

Someone asks Melissa about the fact that she accuses Teresa of having an army, yet her sorellas regularly twitterz defamatory things about Teresa, so. At first Melissa is like, “Nuh uh,” before being all, “They’re my sorellas, theys gonna have my back and maybe tweet pictures of Teresa and Penny, whataboudit?” Teresa is confronted about writing in her blog that she loves Melissa because she’s famiglia, but that she doesn’t like her. Andy Cohen asks Teresa if she likes Melissa now, and Teresa says she does, but it is the least convincing “yes” of all time. But seriously though.

Another viewer asks what il Follettos and il Meatballs have done to grow closer, have they had dinner together? And no one can look Andy Cohen in the eye as they all mumble something about shore houses and not enough time and whatever, QUIT JUDGING US, HEATHER FROM GREENWICH.

Andy Cohen mentions that Caroline blogged that the love is evident when Teresa and Folletto are alone together, implying that their respective spouses are to blame for the problems between them. “Yep! And?” says Caroline. Teresa turns on her fratello, arguing that the problem is that he gets so angry. But Folletto wears his anger management issues proudly. “I do get angry, but it’s better than using drugs!” I didn’t realize that using heroin or charging at everyone like a rabid garden gnome were his only choices. But if you have to pick one of those two options, sure, fair point, Folletto.

Andy Cohen then brings Rosie out to the couches, and begins asking her about her own rage issues. Rosie dismisses her ragey behavior as “passion,” and says that sure, she gets worked up, but then she’s over it and doesn’t hold grudges. Teresa, hilariously, pipes in that she’s learned not to hold onto things, and Andy Cohen is INCREDULOUS. “Since when? In the last half hour?”


And because everyone got together and made a pact to not fight and make this the Most Boring Reunion Ever, Andy Cohen fills some time showing a montage of Rosie and Meatball’s hijinks which they put into a web series? What is this? Why are we montaging something THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN ON THE SHOW? Dumb. Dumb! This is dumb.

But not nearly as dumb as asking Rosie and Meatball which of their five senses they would give up if they had to, because these stunads can’t name their five senses are. Literally. They can’t do it.

Someone asks Meatball why he gets along so well with Rosie if he hates gay people so much all of the time. Meatball laughs off his homophobia as a dumb thing he once said and that he’s never offended any gay people EVEN THOUGH ANDY COHEN WAS ON THE RECORD AS BEING OFFENDED AND IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM BUT DOESN’T CALL HIM OUT ON IT, WHY? Teresa makes the situation worse by explaining that they have friends who are gay; she hangs out with the “girl” and Meatball hangs out with the “boy.” Unsurprisingly, Andy Cohen and Rosie both take offense to her choice of words because of course they do, that merda is offensive, but il Meatballs keep jabbering nonsensically about how they aren’t being offensive, it’s just that in every gay couple there is a “man” and a “woman,” that’s just the truth.

I’m not even going to address the whole mini-scene where Andy Cohen screams at the PAs to get Meatball some Pepto Bismol STAT. Just: gross.

Andy Cohen comments that Rosie really seemed to take charge of getting everyone to go to the Lake George retreat, and she explains that once she had settled things with Teresa, she wanted everyone else to do the same. This leads into our Lake George Montage.

Someone asks Meatball what he was going to say to Folletto before Folletto came charging at him like an angry bowling ball, but don’t we know this already? He was going to demand an apology? And sure enough Meatball confirms what we already know. Folletto offers that the fight at Lake George was the “best thing to ever happen” because it made him realize how much he loves Meatball. This must have been a lesson that took a long time to sink in, because if I am remembering correctly, he was ready to go home and never speak to Teresa and Meatball again after their wrestling match in that ballroom.

Andy Cohen asks Folletto if he was biting Meatball on the testicles, because that is what kind of show we are watching, the kind of show where “Were you biting your fratello-in-law on the nuts?” is a legitimate question in need of answers. Folletto says he was only pinching them. Mystery solved.

Speaking of inappropriate in-law grabbing, someone writes in to admonish Kathy for Jeff Goldblum Jr. grabbing Rosie’s cioccie, but Kathy and Rosie laugh it off. They’re famiglia! They touch each other inappropriately all the time! To prove this gross point, Rosie grabs Folletto’s crotch then and there, which everyone agrees is just weird. STOP IT. STOP GRABBING EACH OTHER. DON’T MAKE ME GET OUT THE HOSE.

There is a long boring conversation about Folletto’s hair or lack thereof: he claims he was using that gross spray-on hair and has now shaved his head because he was going gray, Melissa says it’s because his hair was thinning. Controversy!

Someone asks Teresa why it was fair for her to repeatedly call her fratello “finga-whipped,” but unacceptable for him to call her “scum?” Teresa sighs that she’s apologized for that, but that Folletto has never apologized for what he said. Folletto tries to claim that they “don’t have to say they’re sorry,” and then tries to tell some story about Teresa throwing his toys out the car window when he was five, a crime for which she never apologized. But doesn’t that contradict Folletto’s argument that they don’t have to say sorry? After all, maybe if Teresa had apologized for littering the highway with his Stretch Armstrong dolls some 30 years ago, none of us would be sitting here today.

BUT ANYWAY. Andy Cohen and some viewer try to agitate Teresa by pointing out that il Follettos are lying when they claim they never talk about her marriage to Meatball and the footage proves it. Melissa opts to go on the offense, snarling at Teresa that it sure is awful to have people say negative things about your famiglia, isn’t it? Astonishingly, Teresa tries to claim she never said anything negative about Melissa, so Melissa points out the 30-year-old pop star dig from a couple of weeks ago. Which, fair point, Melissa. But Teresa is flabbergasted that Melissa would take her comment about the fact that she is so very old for the music business in any way other than a compliment!

Andy Cohen then brings up that Teresa wrote on her blog that Melissa is lucky that she’s keeping quiet about some of the things Teresa knows about il Follettos’ marriage, and asks Melissa if she understood that to be a threat. Uh, yes? Of course she did? Teresa explains that when she wrote that, she was hurt that il Follettos were saying that Meatball was cheating on her, so, you know, she put out on the internet some nasty uncorroborated rumors about her fratello and his marriage, as you do.

Andy Cohen reminds Folletto that after his fight with Meatball, he was ready to leave Lake George. Andy Cohen then asks what it was about Dr. V that made him choose to stay. Folletto explains that he changed his mind about giving his sorella a chance when he saw her in actual pain. He does love his sorella, even if she’s “lost in outer space.” Andy Cohen then notes that Lake George was a turning point for the famiglia, the moment when they decided it was time to stand together against estraneos.

Speaking of estraneos, someone asks The Bajillion Dollar Question: Why does Teresa continue to be amici with the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Kim D.? Teresa sputters that they’re all amici with Kim D.! a revelation that Caroline, in particular, finds surprising. Andy asks Caroline why she blamed Kim D. for everything at the most recent Posche Festa Disaster. However, Caroline doesn’t answer the question but instead explains that she just doesn’t understand why Teresa would continue being amici with this Kim D. and Penny and people who harbor such hate. Teresa gets bunched up at the suggestion that she and Penny are amici, PROVE IT. PROVE THEY ARE AMICI. But instead, Rosie states the obvious: Teresa should have never sat down with these people in the first place.

Melissa asks for the millesimo time where these people came from, and Teresa insists for the millesimo time that she had never met them before, despite having taken pictures with both Penny and this Greek troll. Teresa tries to claim that Penny was just trying to become a Housewife — which, if true, is an interesting audition process. In reality, I’m guessing Penny saw the attention that the horribly-named Posche received on the show, and wanted to get in on that sweet promotional action for her own salon. Whatever her motivation, it still doesn’t explain why Teresa remains amici with Kim D., to which Teresa replies that she doesn’t need any enemies who aren’t related to her.

Teresa points out that she’s the real victim now, as Penny has “turned on [her]” by claiming that Teresa was behind Penny’s rumor-mongering in the first place. Which is totally the same thing as slandering someone else as a cheating puttana who used to strip. When Melissa keeps arguing the point that Penny blamed Teresa for starting the rumors, Teresa declares herself exhausted and done defending herself. And that’s when Folletto begins whinging that he’s now going to court because of this Zorba guy, a complaint that would make a lot more sense if they had actually shown us what happened at the Posche party OH WELL.

With that, Andy Cohen gives us a Montage of Tre and Folletto sobbing in the Squid Ink Water offices and then brings out Dr. V to put some goombahs in their places. Dr. V immediately compliments Teresa on making an apology to Folletto and for finding her “emotional language.” Contrary to what Folletto might have to say about it, it’s always good to say sorry, and it doesn’t matter who goes first. Dr. V then credits Jacqueline with helping Teresa figure out a way to tell her brother she was sorry without actually having to apologize for the things she had done work through how to talk to her fratello, which, yes. Yes she did.

Andy Cohen tries to make trouble by asking il Follettos what they thought Teresa was apologizing for, but Folletto basically says that it doesn’t matter, he just wanted his sorella to acknowledge something. Teresa, however, chooses to explain exactly what she was apologizing for: passively listening to other people spread rumors about Melissa. BUT SHE IS NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING BEHIND THE RUMORS HERSELF, DON’T GET IT TWISTED.

Andy Cohen redirects the conversation by pointing out that Dr. V advised them to stop it with the twitterings, and Dr. V sighs heavily. She did. But do they listen? Dr. V then compliments Teresa and Melissa for standing on the same side of the room when confronting Penny at the Posche party, which is about the only positive thing one could say about that entire scene. Dr. V then tells everyone that they need to break bad famiglia cycles, per esempio: Folletto and his anger issues, and how everyone else around him reacts when he goes pazzo. Melissa gets sassy with Dr. V, and Dr. V is like, “I hear you and understand you and what I am going to say to your sassiness is whatever.”

Dr. V asks what the group needs to be able to move forward. Caroline insists something about Melissa and Teresa being “truthful,” and Dr. V corrects her: What Caroline means is Melissa and Teresa need to do is allow themselves to be vulnerable. Teresa is irritated at the idea that she hasn’t been vulnerable this season, not understanding that Caroline is specifically hung up on the horse exercise. Caroline notes that neither Teresa or Melissa took cleaning the horse hoof seriously, and they are both like, “Yeah, so? It was a horse hoof.”

But then Caroline reveals what she’s really angry about: in her blog about the Arizona trip, Teresa claimed that Caroline and Albert were fighting the entire time, something that Caroline not only disputes but is particularly sensitive to, considering all the rumors floating around about the stability of her marriage. Teresa admits that she did write that with the understanding that Caroline would read it because WHO MADE CAROLINE CAPO? Caroline is like, “So, let me get this straight, instead of confronting me you chose to publish a flat out lie?” Dr. V confirms that this is merdoso and makes Teresa turn to Caroline and admit that it was merdoso. Which she does! And almost convincingly!

Melissa decides that now would be a good time to whine some more at Caroline for claiming that she and Teresa are the same person. Caroline sighs that of course she doesn’t think Melissa would write something like that about her, she was trying to make a different, larger point. Teresa realizes that it’s been a full 30 seconds since she claimed to be the real victim and complains about what Melissa writes about her in her blog. An exasperated Kathy, who surprisingly hadn’t actually actually left the couch and gone home, interjects that it’s not about Teresa’s feelings all of the time! They’re a famiglia! They all have to worry about each other’s feelings or it is never going to work!

Dr. V orders Teresa to STOP IT WITH THE LASHING OUT AND DO BETTER, to which Teresa nods in agreement, but we’ll see.

Part 2 next week. I shall be requiring all of the espresso.

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This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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