July 15, 2013
I’m going to be honest, the urge to just post this:
and then walk away IS STRONG. SO STRONG.
HOW. WHAT. I DON’T EVEN. I CAN NOT.
K BYEEEEE! IT HASN’T BEEN FUN, EVERYONE!!!
But because I am a professional, I shall stick around, and we will deal with … this. (But I’m not so professional that I won’t be using all caps, so we’re all clear here.)
We begin The Dreaded Hometowns in Dallas. I MEAN, NOT DALLAS.
Here’s the thing, Producers: I know for a hot fact that you have been to both Houston and Dallas in THE PAST SIX MONTHS, so it’s not like you would should just have one tape of bumper footage that is labeled “Big Texas City” and think that you can use that anytime you come down to Texas. UNLESS THERE IS, IN WHICH CASE IT’S TIME TO TAKE SOME SIMPLE BISHES TO SCHOOL. First of all, there is more than one large city in Texas. There are many big cities, actually, Houston being the largest of them. In fact, Houston is the 4th largest city in the country. The 4th largest! New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, HOUSTON. That’s the order! And Dallas is the 9th largest (coming in after San Antonio at 7). So what I am saying here is that you can’t just use any footage of any Texas city and then call it whatever you want BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. AND ALSO MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT THE 4TH LARGEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY LOOKS LIKE.
I do not understand this! You had months! You taped these hometown visits in what, March? April? May, even? UNLESS YOU TAPED THESE HOMETOWN VISITS THIS PAST WEEKEND AND THEN HAD TO EDIT THE EPISODE TOGETHER YESTERDAY AT 5 P.M. CENTRAL TIME THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR GETTING SOMETHING SO SIMPLE AS “WHERE ARE WE?” SO VERY, VERY WRONG, AND EVEN IF YOU DID EDIT IT YESTERDAY AT 5 P.M. CENTRAL TIME, I’M STILL NOT SURE THAT IS MUCH OF AN EXCUSE! How many people had to watch this before it went on air? How many GROWN ADULTS watched this final cut before you sent it on to ABC and we’re like, “Done! This is perfect and ready to air!” FURTHERMORE, how many of your producers who went TO BOTH DALLAS AND HOUSTON IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS watched this, and were like, “Yep! That’s clearly Dallas! Air it!” BECAUSE ALL OF THEM SHOULD BE FIRED. EVERYONE: FIRED. GET OUT.
SO. Princess Desiree goes somewhere in Texas, WHO EVEN KNOWS WHERE, CERTAINLY NOT THE DUMB-DUMB PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW, MAYBE DALLAS, MAYBE HOUSTON, MAYBE THE DALLAS THAT IS IN HOUSTON to meet Nipples Jr. and his family. When she arrives, Nipples Jr. walks her around one of the Dallas that is in Houston’s nicest parks, tells her about his family, and then begins babbling incoherently about this weird dream he had because everyone loves hearing long detailed descriptions of other people’s dreams. “And then we were on the beach and then we were literally melting in the sand and then it was snowing and then we were eating the snow and then there were kids running around all over the place and then a giant turtle burst out of the sea and it was like a turtle but at the same time it was my mom and then we were in my living room but it wasn’t my living room, it was my 9th grade algebra classroom and my mom-turtle was eating the snow with us but it wasn’t snow it was like Cheetos. Weird, right?”
Nipples Jr. then runs off-camera and returns with a sno-cone truck which his family owns, I think? And then the whole thing makes sense: the dream was a set up for the sno-cone truck. Clever. The two drive the sno-cone truck to one of the Dallas that is in Houston’s nicer elementary schools where they serve cups of vibrantly colored corn syrup-covered ice to a class of first graders, and Nipples Jr. appears in a penguin fursuit ANDOHMYGOD, HE’S A FURRY! NIPPLES JR. IS A FURRY! RUN, PRINCESS DESIREE!
Instead, Princess Desiree allows the furry to take her to a second location, one of the Dallas that is in Houston’s finer neighborhoods because apparently the sno-cone business pays large.
OH, BUT DID I MENTION THAT THIS HAPPENS?
BECAUSE THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENED. SEE ABOVE, ETC. ETC. ETC.
(Deep breath. I can do this.)
Princess Desiree meets the Nipples Family, who are big and loud and friendly and SQUEEEEEE! when they walk in. After everyone calms down, Nipples Jr. reveals to his family that he came out of the limo without his shirt on, and that he has been naked on camera (apparently) some three times, but rather than being mortified, as I would have been if I learned one of my sons had paraded around naked on a nationally televised dating show (of course, we could just edit that down to “if I learned one of my sons had been on a nationally televised dating show” and be done with it), they are all, “Oh, Nipples Jr., you scamp.”
Princess Desiree chats with Nipples Jr.’s mother who seems delightful. She’s a very specific type of woman, a type that I have been lucky to know my share of: a well-bred Texas lady who has a thick skin, bawdy sense of humor and isn’t phased by much. She tells Princess Desiree some story about how her own mother assured her that when she found the “one,” there would be a spark. To her credit, Princess Desiree manages to not say, “like the one that doesn’t exist between me and your son? Good to know, smell ya later.”
Princess Desiree then visits with Nipples Jr.’s sister, who worries about Nipples Jr. being put in the “friendzone” and assures Princess Desiree that he will love someone forever and ever and ever, which sounds more like a threat than a promise.
Meanwhile, Nipples Jr. tells his mother that Princess Desiree is adventurous and creative and perfect and that he’s really falling in love with her.
The men in Nipples Jr.’s life are not consulted because who cares.
AND THEN THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE HILARIOUS:
Nipples Jr. busts out a guitar, and makes his younger siblings sing about how Princess Desiree has “lit a fire in [Nipples Jr.’s] eyes” and how they are hoping “loves survives.” Princess Desiree manages to neither 1. burst into uncontrollable laughter and/or 2. flee. Instead, she just says, “Oh my God,” because, really, what else is there to say? I mean other than, “Welp! Time to go! The Dallas that is in Houston’s been great!”
Nipples Jr. takes her out to the car, but before she goes, he gives her a ring that he has had with him since Atlantic City which he had been waiting to give her until today: the day he told her he loved her the first time and the day that she fell in love with his family. Instead of being like, “Oh, am I ‘in love’ with your family now? Presumptuous much?” Princess Desiree accepts the ring and gets out of town. BYEEEEE, DALLAS IN HOUSTON!
Next stop: Scottsdale, Arizona. OR SO THEY SAY.
Drew, Not Brandon meets Princess Desiree and explains that she’ll be meeting roughly 87 members of his family, including his severely mentally disabled sister, and his alcoholic father who has never been to his mother’s house until today, so, FUN.
Drew, Not Brandon pick his sister Melissa up at her group home, and Drew, Not Brandon is loving and gentle with her, carefully explaining to Princess Desiree what his sister is doing and how she’s feeling. It’s all very sweet, and even a cynic like yours truly is not going anywhere near this one. Similarly, his family is large and welcoming and warm and there are many hugs.
Drew, Not Brandon talks with his mother, and tells her that Princess Desiree just gets him, man. She’s his soulmate. “Uh huh,” says Mom.
Meanwhile, Princess Desiree is outside with Drew, Not Brandon’s now sober father who asks her if she believes in angels. There’s a certain glint of panic in Princess Desiree’s eyes as she scans for the nearest exits and is like, “Errr… sure?” Sober Father then asks her if she’s ever met an angel. “Nope! Can’t say I have
, Crazy!” Princess Desiree responds, only to have Sober Father explain that, in fact, she has: Melissa. “Ah… got it,” replies Princess Desiree, because obviously.
Drew, Not Brandon then visits with Sober Father who instructs his son to “bring her back to our family,” which, WOW. NOT CREEPY AT ALL, SOBER FATHER. YOU’RE NOT MAKING PRINCESS DESIREE SOUND LIKE PREY IN THE LEAST.
Before loading her up into the getaway car, Drew, Not Brandon finally tells her that he loves her, and then burbles about how the next time he sees his family he’ll be an engaged man, except that as far as I can tell, he’s not the one going anywhere right now, except right back inside his house where his whole family is, so.
Welcome to McMinnville, Oregon, OR SO THEY’D HAVE US BELIEVE. Princess Desiree is there to meet Big Pun and his family, but first, he’s going to make her play baseball because there is nothing else to do in McMinnville, Oregon.
After throwing a ball back and forth at each other, Princess Desiree shows him some sketches she made of their relationship so far.
They are terrible.
They then go to meet the family, where they immediately sit down for lunch and drink some wine (GOOD PLAN), and then Big Pun’s father, Dr. Pun, takes Princess Desiree down to his chiropractory dungeon and chiropractors her. Princess Desiree, and everyone else in the universe, finds this very, very strange.
Big Pun goes into the chiropractory dungeon next, where, as his father shoves some sort of bulb up Big Pun’s nose and does … something, they discuss Big Pun’s feelings for Princess Desiree. The feelings: strong; the nose bulb: WEIRD. Like, really weird. Like, maybe the weirdest thing we’ve seen on one of these hometown visits yet and WE’VE BEEN TO A MORGUE.
Big Pun meets with his siblings next who are like, “You know who we hated? That last girlfriend of yours.” Big Pun is like, “Yeah, but once you got to know her…” And they are all, “Yeah, no, we hated her. And so did mom.”
Speaking of whom, Princess Desiree still has to win over Mrs. Pun, a.k.a. Megan Mullally a.k.a. Tammy 2.
The two sit outside and Tammy 2 asks why Princess Desiree is so interested in her son. Princess Desiree makes some noises about how he’s kindhearted and his confidence is “unique,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. But whatever, it works, because when Big Pun speaks to his mother about Princess Desiree, Tammy 2 concedes that Princes Des seems to be self confident and not an insecure mess LIKE THOSE OTHER GIRLS HE BROUGHT HOME, before bursting into tears for some reason. Calm down, Tammy 2, it’s all good.
Princess Desiree’s final stop is in Salt Lake City, Utah, IF THAT PLACE EVEN EXISTS, to meet the Mumbles. Before Princess Desiree arrives, Mumbles mumbles about how the time apart from Princess Des has been difficult and that he’s “forgotten a little.” SOUNDS LIKE LOVE! LET’S JUST SKIP THE FANTASY SUITES AND MOVE RIGHT ON TO THE WHOLE FAKE ENGAGEMENT ALREADY!
Princess Desiree arrives, and after she reads him a list of her favorite moments together (“Finishing each other’s …” “SANDWICHES!” Mumbles unfortunately does not yell.), Mumbles takes her out in a canoe on what I assume is not the famous Salt Lake, but rather some sort of drainage pond. For reasons unclear, he tries standing up in the canoe at which point it takes in water, nearly capsizing because OF COURSE IT DOES, DUMMY.
Mumbles then takes Princess Desiree to the Mumbles compound where she is tackled by all elventyhundred Mumbles. At dinner, Mumbles mumbles that he appreciates that Princess Desiree finds gratitude in the little things, because, quite honestly, he totally forgot about all of them.
And with that, Mumbles mother takes Princess Desiree aside to ask if she honestly thinks she’s had enough time to choose someone wisely. Princess Desiree burbles a non-answer about how wonderful Mumbles is. Princess Desiree then asks Mother Mumbles if she thinks her son is ready to get married, and Mother Mumbles gives a non-answer about how important marriage and family is to him. OBJECTION, NON-RESPONSIVE, THE BOTH OF YOUS.
Meanwhile, Mumbles talks with his 37 brothers and sisters about when one knows if they are really in love, and one of his brothers answers that you know she’s the one if she were to leave your life and you would do anything to get her back; another tells him he has to be sure he could and would want to make her happy for the rest of her life; and his sister insists that he needs to want to be with that person all the time, because there is no one more fun, or makes you laugh more, or with whom you want to experience life. Good answers! And I’m pretty sure that none of these apply to Mumbles’s clearly negligible feelings towards Princess Des!
Mumbles then talks to his mother who tells him that if he thinks Princess Desiree is the girl, she trusts his judgment. Ringing endorsement! Now back to Los Angeles with you, Princess. Or San Francisco. Maybe San Diego. Who even knows?
Before the Rose Ceremony, however, Princess Desiree meets with her terrible, horrible, monstrous brother, Prince Joffrey, the one that told Dallas Sean that he didn’t think he was anything more than a playboy in it for the game (which, as it turns out, might have entirely been true). Princess Desiree hasn’t seen Prince Joffrey since that night, so before she move on and pick the manape she is going to spend her life with, she needs to have a little sit down with His Horribleness, and make sure he’s not planning to sabotage her future again. In her hotel room, she explains that he is NOT ALLOWED to screw this up for her, and he’s all, pfft, whatever.
On his way out of the hotel, Prince Joffrey explains that he wants to meet the remaining men for himself, and that it’s probably not going to work out for Princess Des, because HE IS A MONSTER.
And then we have another boring conversation between Princess Des and Chris Harrison, because he needs something to do. The long and short of it is that she is in love with Mumbles, and that if they stopped right now she’d probably get 4 proposals. (But even more probably only 3, because Mumbles? Come on.)
Chris Harrison escorts the men into the Rose Ceremony one at a time and WHAT IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING PEEKING FROM BEHIND THAT WALL, PRINCE JOFFREY? Stalker brother is in ur hotel, stalking.
FETCH THE ROSES, HARRISON!
Rose #1: Mumbles
Rose #2: Big Pun
Rose #3: Drew, Not Brandon
Which means pack up those chipmunk cheeks and take your promise ring, Nipples Jr. and
And Nipples Jr. leaves, calmly, perhaps because he is still in shock. In the Loser Limo, he burbles about how he did not expect this, and how he is going to be in a very dark place, and then he has the driver pull over so that he can throw the Atlantic City ring out the window because HA! and then it is back to the Dallas that is in Houston for him.
Everyone Yells at Marionette Face The Men Tell All special. Invest in box wine futures now, kittens!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.