The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“It’s My Party and I’ll Fight If I Want To”
June 16, 2013
Ciao, paisans! I KNOW, I KNOW, I’ve been more than a little delinquent with this blog. Let me explain, bellinos. I just last night got off of a plane from Roma where I went to celebrate my birthday and escape from reality television for a few days perform some on-the-ground research on these pazzas! Yeah, that’s the ticket, research! And because I had to do this very important on-the-ground research (Conclusions: Italians are some of the friendliest and yelliest people on the planet who don’t know how to form a line and gelato is delicious.), we are now three episodes behind. Dio mio. As a result, this episode — in which, let’s all be honest here, not much happened — we’re going to have to gloss over a little. Mi dispiace! Mi dispiace! But 1. There’s only so much time in the giorno, and 2. We’ve got 37 more episodes this season, so I think we’ll all survive if we don’t do a moment-for-moment recap of Jeff Goldblum Jr. Jr. driving his father’s Ferrari.
The episode begins with Teresa and her stringy amica Linda working out in a gym and establishing the episode’s Big Event: Gabagool’s 12th birthday celebration, which Teresa explains will be her daughter’s first co-ed party. Teresa “jokingly” adds that when Gabagool is old enough, she will take her to the doctor, and if Gabagool isn’t a virgin, Teresa will disown her. Which, aside from the amazing logistical contortions that compose that statement, ha? Good joke, Ma? Teresa also reminds Stringy Linda and the audience that she and Caroline had a sit-down about Folletto and that she’s hoping her brother will come to Gabagool’s party. Buona fortuna with that, Teresa!
Speaking of whom, Caroline and Folletto help Jacqueline and Laurita set up a hyperbolicbaric chamber for little Nicholas because it’s supposed to help with his autism. Somehow. Listen, don’t be such a skeptic. You know who else slept in a hyperbolicbaric chamber? Michael Jackson. And you never hear about his autism.*
Jacqueline and Nicholas climb into the chamber and everybody cries.
They then leave the three-year-old autistic child in his Michael Jackson bubble and go downstairs, where Caroline explains that Teresa expects an apology from Jacqueline. Jacqueline laughs and laughs and laughs because no, and also, Teresa can go andare cazzo se stessa, seriously though. Caroline then tells Folletto that Teresa said if he apologizes, all will be forgiven. Which, for the record, Teresa never said. Laurita and Caroline then helpfully remind Folletto that his padre IS DYING. Or maybe is just old, BUT STILL.
In mortifying developments, Meatball takes Gabagool out for gelato and a father-daughter talk, ruining both father-daughter talks and gelato in one fell swoop. Meatball instructs Gabagool that she:
- should spend less time with her amici and more time with her sorelle, even though her sorella Mortadella said Gabagool has a “hairy grill” which is a hilarious insult, even if neither Meatball nor I know exactly what it means. (He thinks it has to do with something called “hairy teeth;” I suspect Mortadella was saying Gabagool has a moustache, which: awesome)
- not kiss boys until she’s 21 because “it’s disgusting,” thereby instilling healthy sexual attitudes in his young, developing daughter
- not smoke lest it stunt her growth, which to Gabagool’s great credit, she points out is ironic coming from a minuscolo like him
Jeff Goldblum Jr. Jr. and Rosie take out Jeff Goldblum Jr.’s Ferrari when he and Kathy are out driving around in a completely non-scripted scene. When Jeff Goldblum Jr. and Kathy see him pull up in the car, they Kathy freaks out. Jeff Goldblum Jr. calls Kathy “Crocodile Dundee” because she is wearing this outfit:
Teresa and Meatball go to the hospital to visit her father who had been taken in at 3 in the morning, unable to breathe. In a phone call on the way there, Teresa’s mother explains to her daughter that her father has pneumonia, and that she also called Folletto, who is home sick with a fever. Teresa waxes on her parents’ mortality and relationship with Folletto. Long repetitive story short, she wants a better, more genuine relationship with her fratello. Buona fortuna with that, Teresa!
Folletto, meanwhile, is sick with a fever and other unmentionable symptoms that he feels totally free to mention. He and Melissa discuss his sick father, whom, for rather obvious reasons, he can’t visit in the ICU; Gabagool’s upcoming birthday party, which, for rather obvious reasons, he can’t attend; and the fact that he and Caroline had a chat about Teresa. Melissa makes some sour faces at the news that Folletto and Caroline discussed the Teresa situation, even though SHE KNEW ABOUT IT ALREADY, because The Producers have decided to make Melissa the furfante this season, apparently.
So then there’s this whole boring sequence where Melissa, Kathy and Jacqueline meet at Teresa’s gym while Stringy Linda glares on. Also, Melissa explains to Kathy that she hasn’t visited her padre-in-law at the hospital yet because she has a sore throat and could be getting sick, in spite of doing that entire Zumba class just now. Kathy has a skeptical.
Meanwhile, Teresa and The Hated Kim D meet for coffee and a complain about Melissa not visiting Teresa’s padre in the hospital. Stringy Linda calls to tattle about Kathy, Melissa and Jacqueline being at the gym because HOW DARE THEY, and Teresa is INDIGNATO! for some reason.
In Manzo non-news, Caroline’s sister Fran boards a pig named Mu Shu at the Manzo house. Remarkably/unfortunately, no one makes prosciutto out of it.
The day of Gabagool’s birthday party, the Meatball bambini go to a salon, get their hair did, sass.
And Melissa prepares her kids for the party by dumping an entire can of hair spray over Fagioli’s head.
Also, the Goldblum Jr. kids go to Gabagool’s party without their parents; so what, who cares.
Gabagool’s party is at some sort of space-themed kids’ restaurant (I don’t even know) and her cake, which is supposed to be a mouth, I think, looks like una fighetta. Adding insult to injury, the fighetta cake has the wrong name on it. Later, Il Meatballs tease Gabagool about her “BFFL” or “beefusses,” Christopher, in front of all of her amici. Buon compleanno, Gabagool! Hope your parents got you therapy for your birthday!
On the drive over to the party, Melissa jams to her own song, and takes a completely spontaneous phone call from Jacqueline in which she explains that she is going to Gabagool’s party under duress, while Stugats and Fagioli listen on in the backseat.
At Gabagool’s party, Teresa tells The Hated Kim D that her padre is leaving the hospital the next day, and that Melissa has not gone to visit him. According to the editing, that’s the moment Melissa arrives at the party, grabs a drink, because, come on, and tells Teresa that Folletto was “rushed” to the hospital with a 104 fever. “Oh, the same hospital where mio padre is?” Teresa asks pointedly before stalking off. The Hated Kim D then confronts Melissa about her time-management skills, basically accusing Melissa of going to “Teresa’s” gym rather than visiting her padre-in-law in the hospital. Because over the course of any one 24-hour period, Melissa can only be at the gym or at the hospital, that’s just science. Melissa protests that she has, in fact, visited her padre-in-law, at which point, Teresa rejoins the attack, accusing Melissa of lying. Thus begins some sciocchezze where no one can count how many days exist between Saturday and Monday (4? 0? Infinity? Who knows! Numbers, how do they work?), but Melissa eventually concedes that she visited her padre-in-law on Wednesday which is more than 4 days after Saturday but not as few days as never, SO WHY ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS, UFFA. Gabagool then comes into the room and makes sad faces at everyone, so Teresa announces that it’s cake time. However, before the fighetta cake can be cut, Melissa drags her children out of the party to go home (even though she later claimed she let the bambini have cake on Watch What Happens Live!). Arrivederci, puttas.
*BECAUSE HE DIDN’T HAVE AUTISM, JUST AN ACCUTE CASE OF WEIRDO CELEBRITY DISORDER.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 7 p.m. on Bravo.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.