February 5, 2013
Based on all the bears and elks and mountains and the fact that Dallas Sean’s waxed nipples are still tucked away in an ugly chunky sweater, it would be fair to think that we are still in Montana. BUT WE ARE NOT. We are at Lake Louise in Canada, which is very pretty and blue and cold. It looks so very cold. Dallas Sean yammers about how terrible Montana was — so terrible! — but that The Producers shoved his contract in his face and threatened to sue the chunky sweater off of his waxed nipples if he even thought about pulling a Wombat he’s going to keep putting his heart out there. Good luck with that, Big Guy.
The women arrive at the hotel and Chris Harrison scolds them for being so terrible in Montana — so terrible! — and explains that there will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date. TRY NOT TO BE SO TERRIBLE, LADIES. The women run through who has not received a 1-on-1 date so far: New Age Girl and Hand Jive. Oh, and technically TiPolar, although none of the other women seem to want to count her because her 2-on-1 date was sort of like a 1-on-1. That, and she’s the very worst person. That bit of math taken care of, the date card reads: “New Age Girl: Let’s find our fairy tale ending. Dallas Sean.” Hand Jive and TiPolar pout.
The next thing we know, New Age Girl is standing alone on the top of a mountain IN A BLIZZARD in nothing more than a top coat. Nope. NOPE. No. There is NO WAY I would have just stood there in a WHITE OUT and twiddled my thumbs waiting for this slab of abdominals and teeth to arrive to save me. THERE IS A RANGER STATION BEHIND YOU, GO WAIT IN THERE. AND THEN DEMAND TO BE TAKEN TO A HOT TUB. IN THE CARIBBEAN.
But then Dallas Sean comes driving up in some sort of snow bus? And hands her a snow suit? And then they drive further into the blizzard? WHICH, NO. HELLS TO THE NOPE. And then they get out into the blizzard? And they sled? And roll around in the snow? Like, they are literally doing somersaults in the snow for some reason? They are acting as though snow somersaults are a thing? (THEY ARE NOT A THING.) And Dallas Sean’s hair, it freezes because IT IS JUST THAT COLD?
This date is JUST MADE OF NOPE. SOLID NOPE.
The snow portion of the date mercifully ends, and the two are back at the hotel getting into a carriage even though New Age Girl still hasn’t put on an appropriate coat. No ma’am. NO MA’AM. GO PUT ON A COAT. The carriage then drives them to some sort of ice castle where they are expected to sit and talk and I am just betting you wish you had put on a better coat right about now, New Age Girl. They sit near a fire pit, as though that’s going to do anything, and Dallas Sean literally chips some dirty ice off of a nearby block into a glass — it LITERALLY HAS DIRT ON IT — and I’m sorry, are you going to do something with that dirty ice, Dallas Sean? What’s your plan here, Buddy? Are you going to drink from that? Are you going to make New Age Girl drink from that? Is it some sort of test? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THAT DIRTY ICE?
But never mind about that dirty ice, because instead, we are distracted by New Age Girl’s Sob Story, since apparently this is the Year of the Sob Story. This one time, at summer camp, New Age Girl saw her best friend get crushed by a tree in a freak accident, and that’s why New Age Girl wants to get married, the end. Good enough for Dallas Sean! He offers her the dat rose — but presumably not the rose that they froze into an ice block, although it would have been awesome if they made New Age Girl chip that one out to earn it.
Back at the hotel, the ladies have received the group date card: “TiPolar, Buster, Presumptuous, aShlii, Selma, Scarlett O’Hara, and Hand Jive: Let’s bare our souls.” Hand Jive is OUTRAGED to be included on the group date, because she is ENTITLED to that 1-on-1 because that’s how this show works.
Dallas Sean meets the women at a dock and announces that they will be canoeing to the other side of the lake, so grab some paddles, ladies! To the great irritation of the other women, Scarlett O’Hara jumps into Dallas Sean’s canoe because she thought of it first; which, good for you, Scarlett O’Hara. But the other women protest that this is NOT FAIR, and UNCOOL and wish that a SHARK WOULD EAT HER, even though they are in the Canadian Rockies which are not really known for their lake sharks.
They arrive on the other side of the lake where a tent city has been erected, and Dallas Sean explains that the next part of the date involves them taking off all of their clothes, jumping into the lake and becoming members of the Polar Bear Club because The Producers realized that the Waxed Nipples hadn’t been exposed in the previous episode and they needed to come up with some reason why Dallas Sean would to take his shirt off in subfreezing weather, I mean, “YOLO.”
The women express varying degrees of enthusiasm for the polar bear plunge ranging from Presumptuous (“WOOOOOO!! LET’S DO THIS THING!!”) to æscLEE and TiPolar (“Uhh … “) to Selma (“NOPE.”) Selma takes Dallas Sean aside and is like, “Listen, I’m from the desert. This isn’t going to happen. Hope it doesn’t ruin my chances, but nope!” TEAM SELMA.
Everyone else, however, including and especially ashLEIGH and TiPolar, get over their fear and get into their bikinis, burble about how they hope this proves their worthiness to Dallas Sean, and then jump into a lake in 0° temperatures. (0° Celsius, granted, so we’re talking about 32° American, but still. No thank you.)
And then everyone runs back out of the lake and they are all WOOOOOt! and proud of themselves and talking about how exhilarating it was, all but for TiPolar who wanders around the shore barefoot, mumbling that she can’t breathe and smearing her mascara around until the medics notice her and throw her into a pile of blankets. She’s hypothermic! Maybe! Or maybe just a little cold like everyone else! Who knows! But let’s make a huge deal over it, and carry her into a canoe and canoe her back across the lake and then have five people run her across the dock and throw her in a waiting car and then drive that car around the hotel driveway in circles for a while until it’s determined that they should put into a wheelchair and wheel her into the hotel lobby and give her a cup of Starbucks, because that is how you treat hypothermia. Or that’s how you treat “hypothermia,” rather.
It seems that as soon as an ambulance was called, what do you know, but TiPolar suddenly warmed up and decided that all she really needed was an oxygen tank, a comfy robe and a visit from Dallas Sean, and her hypothermia would clear right up! And so Dallas Sean checks on her in her room, clucks, “Bless your heart” at her a handful of times, determines that she is not going to lose any toes and tells her to take it easy that night, i.e., no after party for her.
The other women are thrilled with this development because 1. it’s one less woman to compete with for the date rose 2. it’s TiPolar, come on. Dallas Sean first talks with Scarlett O’Hara who, after going on about what an amazing experience the polar bear plunge was, yammers about how she “loves love.” Gross, stop it.
Next, Buster takes Dallas Sean aside to bore him with a bunch of her family and baby pictures, and a mix of panic and nausea very clearly washes over Dallas Sean’s face as Buster goes on and on about how much she wants him to meet her parents. Oh, honey, no. Too soon. The home town visits aren’t for another two episodes, you have got to slow your roll.
Back at the hotel, TiPolar decides that spending the evening with an oxygen tank is NOT FUN, and so she gets dressed, shoves her “frostbitten” feet into some heels, and stomps her way over to the restaurant because SHE IS GOING TO GET THAT ROSE TONIGHT. DALLAS SEAN BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH. FOR HIM.
And so, as the other women are making fun of what a fake faking faker TiPolar is, in she walks and everyone is dismayed! and shocked! But mostly dismayed!
Even Dallas Sean visibly slumps when he returns from talking to whomever, one of the ladies, I don’t even know who, and finds TiPolar there waiting for him. “Bless your heart!” he exclaims, which, translated from the original Southern actually means, “You’re an idiot, what is wrong with you, did your brain freeze in that lake?” But he takes her aside to talk and asks her if she does make it to the end, if she would want a proposal, and she makes a bunch of vague noises about just wanting to be happy with him, I don’t know, fortunately Presumptuous interrupts and Dallas Sean and I don’t have to try to make sense out of her meaningless blather anymore.
Dallas Sean then gives Scarlett O’Hara the date rose because they “turned some corner” in their relationship, I don’t know, all that is important is that TiPolar didn’t get the rose EVEN THOUGH SHE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF STUFF LIKE FAKING HYPOTHERMIA AND IT’S JUST NOT FAIR.
Back at the hotel, Dallas Sean decides that he needs to go on ahead and send Buster home pre-Rose Ceremony. He rationalizes that he has to do it this way because it wouldn’t be fair to make her hang around until the formal Get Out Ceremony for some reason that I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that she has one arm and he doesn’t want to look like a jerk for eliminating the one-armed girl, but he has to eliminate the one-armed girl because he’s not into the one-armed girl, so the best way to eliminate the one-armed girl is to do it privately, or as privately as one can on a nationally-broadcast show, which is to say not privately at all.
And so he goes to some room where all the ladies are sitting around acting natural and not clearly waiting for something to happen per The Producers’ directives, and he asks to speak to Buster privately. “Privately,” Dallas Sean explains that the family pictures thing FREAKED HIM OUT, and that something is missing between them, and that she has to go home now, ok, thanks. Buster is SHOCKED! except she’s not, and she goes back inside to tell the other women and laboriously pack her things. She is then shoved into the limo to cry about how her relationships always end the same way, with some guy telling her that she’s incredible and that someone will be lucky to have her, but it isn’t going to be him, and he really didn’t need to see those baby pictures, ok, thanks. ~SOB~ Bye, Buster!
Princess Desiree’s date card reads “Princess Desiree, Don’t be scared … to fall in love. Dallas Sean.” And that sure sounds like a Go Jump Off This High Thing Date to me, Princess Desiree, and not a Let’s Go Ride Around in a Helicopter and Eat Cheese Date, so you shouldn’t be all that excited.
And sure enough, Princess Desiree and Dallas Sean hike their way up through the woods to a cliff face that they have to rappel down, because they are always rappelling down something on this show while claiming that rappelling is a metaphor for relationships.
And the last time I checked, my marriage bore no resemblance to any activity that required me to where a helmet and harness, but maybe I’m doing it wrong. So they rappel down the 400 foot cliff, and Princess Desiree shrieks the entire way only to announce once on the ground that rappelling is like a relationship: you’re worried at first, and it’s difficult along the way, but you realize halfway down that you are stuck and in this for better or worse and there’s nowhere to go but down? I think that’s what she said? I stopped paying attention when I realized she was starting in on the whole “dangerous activity = relationships” simile.
They eat a picnic in a meadow, and Dallas Sean asks her what went wrong last week, and she doesn’t give much of an answer and then the two climb a tree, I don’t even know.
That night Dallas Sean swaddled in yet another ugly sweater leads Princess Desiree to a teepee in the woods because of course they are in a teepee. A teepee just makes sense. Time for a Sob Story! Princess Desiree explains that she’s always super positive because she grew up without any money, like, being homeless for stretches at a time without any money, like moving from small apartments to trailers to tents for months on end without any money. And there it is, there is the reason that Princess Desiree received the first second date of the season: because The Producers were not going to waste a teepee date on someone who didn’t grow up in a tent, come on. Dallas Sean offers her the date rose and they kiss and kiss and Princess Desiree delivers the best line of the season: “I opened up about spending some of my life in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” Yep! That!
COCKTAIL PARTY. PUT ON YOUR SPARKLE DRESSES AND GLITTER LOTION.
Selma, realizing that she made a huge tiny mistake by being the only one to not do the polar bear plunge, takes Dallas Sean aside to compromise all of her values that were so precious to her just two episodes ago and kisses him. And you can go ahead and plunk away, Romantic Guitar, but none of us are fooled: the kiss is awkward and painful and Dallas Sean’s face remains frozen in place and no. This is going nowhere but home.
Presumptuous is next, and she climbs into Dallas Sean’s lap and declares that she is NOT going to kiss him, but of course we’re not going to be so lucky, of course not. Also, Presumptuous, I am not interested in what you do or do not sleep in, that is not information I nor Dallas Sean need, thanks.
AshLie gives Dallas Sean a blindfold AND WAIT, I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THE 50 SHADES OF NONSENSE IN THE FIRST EPISODE. UGH. Ashleye gives Dallas Sean a blindfold and explains that she has control issues because abandonment and to prove to him that she can relinquish control to him, she wants him to blindfold her and then walk her around in a circle for a while. They do this and she cries and it’s stupid and he eventually has to pick her up and carry her because she is such a mess and HOW ABOUT YOU INVEST IN SOME THERAPY INSTEAD OF A SCARF, HONEY. Also:
Rose Ceremony time:
Rose #1: Presumptuous
Rose #2: AshlΣΣ
Rose #3: TiPolar. Of course.
Which means Selma is going back to the Green Zone or wherever, and she seems more irritated that TiPolar is getting to stick around than she is about her own departure. But if I were Selma, I’d be less concerned with TiPolar and more concerned about that burqa my Momma would have waiting for me when I got home.
Hand Jive is also returning to wherever she came from, who cares, and she is MAD that she never got any quality 1-on-1 time with Dallas Sean and so she makes this face for a solid 60 seconds:
Yeah, I can’t figure out why Dallas Sean would eliminate you, honey. It’s a mystery for the ages.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.