‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Opportunitists

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Reunion, Part 2″
October 7, 2012

So. Last we left these women, Kathy had called Teresa’s madre una liar and her padre un coward, and Teresa lashed back that her padre was more of un padre to Kathy than Kathy’s own padre ever was.

Which made Rosie, who was backstage, do this:

Plus F bombs. So much nuclear mouth fire and F bombs.

While Caroline futilely attempts to get through Teresa’s teensy tiny little head that the pain Teresa felt when Kathy attacked her genitori is how she makes people feel when she bad mouths their famiglia, backstage, Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, pats Rosie on the back and urges her to PULL IT TOGETHER. Think of how your padre would want you to react, and let’s tone down the nuclear mouth fire.

Caroline urges Teresa to recognize what her 15 minutes of fame is doing to her and her famiglia, and Teresa whines that Caroline needs to see what her famiglia are doing to her, WAH. Melissa, who has been relatively restrained so far, points out that Teresa continuously bashes her marriage and Folletto, and when she gets a taste of her own medicine, suddenly Teresa’s heart is OH MAH GAWD, BEATING OUTTA HER CHEST! Melissa is tired of Teresa’s merda: Teresa does not get to play the victim, MELISSA IS THE VICTIM, GET IT STRAIGHT. Teresa screams back that she hasn’t talked to her brother IN A YEAR, and Melissa points out that MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE SHE CALLED HER BROTHER’S WIFE UNA STRIPPER. Food for thought, Teresa.

Andy Cohen breaks in to explain that he was actually trying to introduce a video package on Rosie and how awesome she is when out of nowhere, Tokyo was destroyed, and can we please get back to that happy video package now? Rosie = God made her this way, struggle, coming out!, crying, Teresa attempting to make herself look better at Kathy’s expense by claiming on camera that Kathy didn’t accept that her sister was gay, love, tolerance, it gets better, hooray!

Rosie joins the group, and has fortunately put the nuclear mouth fire away and does not attempt to rip Teresa’s cazzo tongue out of her tiny cazzo head (although she’s thinking about it, obviously). Andy Cohen asks some boring questions about Rosie coming out to her nipoti; blah blah blah, it was great, blah blah blah, Kathy was always supportive, coming out was a weight lifted off her shoulders, blah. Rosie explains that she did have some trouble after her padre died, and became involved with una woman who was una bad influence, and that’s what Kathy was disapproving of, not Rosie’s sexuality in general, TERESA. GET IT STRAIGHT, TERESA.

Teresa claims that when she and Kathy used to spend time together, Teresa would want to include Rosie, but before Teresa has the chance to imply that Kathy was the one who excluded Rosie, Rosie is all, SO WHY DIDN’T YOUS CALL ME, TERESA? Point: Rosie. Teresa claims that she did, even Meatball called Rosie, and Kathy pointedly notes that there might be a reason why Rosie might not want to hang out with Meatball (*cough* raging homophobe *cough*). Rosie then screams at her cousin that no one will ever break the bond she has with her sister. Good, so what, who cares, replies Teresa.

Andy Cohen asks Rosie how Kathy reacted when she came out, and Rosie insists that she was not afraid to tell her. Rosie goes on to explain that she was struggling through so much pain that no one on the couch could imagine, and Andy Cohen is all, “MI SCUSI, WHAT’S THAT?” before Rosie tells a lovely story about coming out to her madre after her padre died, and her madre telling her that she wouldn’t trade Rosie for a billion denari. AWW, I love Kathy and Rosie’s madre! I love Rosie! We wouldn’t trade yous for a billion denari, either, Rosie! Andy Cohen asks Rosie about her dating life, and ATTENTION, LADIES: Rosie is on the market. And with that, Rosie returns to her resting place in Tokyo Bay.

Andy Cohen then shows the RV Trip, Part the First. Everyone getting along! Melissa feeling Teresa up! Funhappytimes!

Andy Cohen specifically asks Melissa about the fondling incident, and Melissa explains that she’s “a toucher … of women, not men, IT’S WHO I AM.” And with that, a million eyebrows were raised. O RLY, Melissa? Are you a “toucher of women?” Tell us more …

Instead, Andy Cohen asks Teresa if she intentionally excluded Kathy from the toast, and she insists that she did not. Kathy, however, is not having it, and explains that listen, it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it did feel like a very obvious diss. As Teresa begins shrieking at Kathy about her merda and her fake nose and fake lips, Kathy calmly continues by apologizing for calling Teresa’s madre una liar, and adds that she is disappointed in her own behavior. But Teresa’s teeny tiny little brain in her teeny tiny little head can not process this, and she keeps screaming that her madre is una wonderful lady. I KNOW. I AM APOLOGIZING. COME ON, responds Kathy. And with that, Teresa removes herself back to her couch famiglia.

A sassy viewer sasses at Caroline why she went on the RV trip if she was going to refuse to have a good time, and Caroline explains that it was her brother’s trip and her 50th birthday, what, is she supposed to stay home? Andy Cohen then follows up by asking Caroline if she did have a good time, and Caroline’s like “Nope.” (Which, ha!)

Andy Cohen then introduces the Napa fighting portion of the RV trip video: fight fight fight, I’M LEAVING, the end. Andy Cohen then asks why Caroline won’t accept Teresa’s apology, and Caroline repeats that she didn’t think it was sincere. After all, while they were in Napa, Teresa called her a variety of charming names including una fica. “Yeah, I called her that,” exclaims Teresa, “I was drinking wine, what, yous expect me to not call her una fica?”

Some viewer asks Jacqueline if she was really sleeping through the fight, or if she is just scared of Caroline? Well, in answer to the first part of the question, DUH, NO. As for the second part of the question, Jac insists that she is not scared of Caroline, she just didn’t want to deal with all of this merda. So much merda!

Andy Cohen notes that the viewers are calling Caroline a bully, and Caroline asks him if he thinks she’s a bully. Andy Cohen responds with his “Cagna, por favore” face, before moving on to the next viewer question noting that the way Caroline bullied Teresa this season gave her deja vu, and she wonders if Teresa now regrets the way she treated Danielle? Yep! says Teresa. OH REALLY? Asks Caroline, incredulous. “Name one instance of when I bullied yous.” Teresa meekly responds, “The whole season?” “NOPE, TRY AGAIN. A SINGLE INSTANCE OF ME BULLYING YOUS.” Teresa notes that the viewers noticed it, so it must have happened. “WHEN WE DIE, THE VIEWERS WON’T BE AT OUR FUNERALS,” replies Caroline, which is a point? I guess? The tiny hamster wheel that powers Teresa’s brain snaps, and she responds that she’s her own person and Caroline can’t bully her. Even though she just told Andy Cohen that Caroline did bully her. All season. (Oh, Tre.) Andy Cohen points out her contradiction, and Teresa insists that Caroline did bully her, it just didn’t affect her. And with that, the hamster wheel is back up and running again.

Teresa protests that Caroline became all buddy-buddy with her famiglia, a point that both Caroline and Melissa and Kathy deny. Caroline didn’t become amici with them, because she didn’t want to interfere in their famiglia, so. Teresa then compares Caroline to the Godfather because she wouldn’t accept Teresa’s apology, and I’m not following the logic here, but sure. Andy Cohen asks Caroline again about the apology and why she refuses it, even though WE HAVE COVERED THIS GROUND, ANDY COHEN. THE ANSWER IS, WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE: SINCERITY. But before Caroline can repeat herself, Teresa accuses Caroline of never caring about her. Wrong tack, Teresa, because now Caroline is pointing out how she and her famiglia were there for Teresa during the bankruptcy, and how Caroline was terribile to Melissa and Kathy when they joined the show FOR TERESA’S SAKE. So terribile, in fact, that she felt she had to apologize to them later.

Teresa then makes an astonishing admission, that the trouble did start when her famiglia joined the show, adding, I mean, just imagine if Caroline’s sister-in-law joined the show without telling her. Melissa argues that she did tell Teresa she was joining the show, but it’s drowned out by Caroline making some comparison to Dina: Did it hurt Teresa to have Melissa be on the show? WELL IMAGINE HOW IT FELT FOR CAROLINE TO SEE DINA AT TERESA’S FABULINI FESTA. (Wait, what?) IT WAS A KNIFE IN CAROLINE’S HEART THAT TERESA BROUGHT DINA ON THE SHOW TO TALK ABOUT CAROLINE. (OK, sure, but what does that have to do with Melissa?) Teresa argues that she never got between Caroline and Dina, and Caroline doesn’t want to go there, the point is MELISSA AND KATHY DIDN’T JOIN THE SHOW TO HURT TERESA. (Wait, what? How are these things related? What is the train of thought here? Is there any thought happening here? [No.])

NO TIME FOR LOGIC, Andy Cohen needs to know: Caroline, where do you and Dina stand now? Still not speaking. And still not really explaining why they’re not speaking. Ugh.

Andy Cohen introduces the “Melissa is a singing superstar (in her own mind)” montage. Singing singing singing, il meatballini making fun of Melissa, singing. Andy Cohen asks about her “career,” and Melissa claims to have a new song and video, so get ready to swamp iTunes, everyone!

A viewer asks Teresa if she believes Melissa can sing without auto-tune, and Teresa answers that she has never seen Melissa sing live, that it looks like she is lip-synching every time. Melissa, outraged, responds that she’s never said anything negative about Teresa’s cookbooks, but Teresa just keeps insisting that she’s never seen Melissa sing live. So, Melissa sings a little part of one of her songs right there and then. It’s fine, a little shaky maybe, but not una teeth-sucking embarrassment or anything. Teresa, however, dismisses this. She wants to hear the whole song. Even Andy Cohen is astonished, and notes that SHE JUST SANG SOMETHING. Oh whatever, Teresa can sing a part of a song, too.


Instead, Andy Cohen asks Melissa how she felt about her nieces making snarky comments about her, and Melissa replies that she loves the girls and that it hurt. Teresa tries to claim that she reprimanded them — once the cameras were off — and everyone rolls their eyes into the back of their heads because COME ON. Melissa notes that Gabagool hasn’t ever been to one of Melissa’s shows, how could she know that she lip-synchs unless that’s something Teresa told her? Teresa offers a weak, “because that’s what other people say?” And Melissa begins shrieking that Teresa is just trying to “downgrade” her, and “downgrade” everything Melissa does. I think the word you’re looking for, Melissa, is “demean,” but point made.

Jacqeuline decides that this is a good time to take another nap.

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(http://n8rnate.tumblr.com:  You should follow him!)

Teresa begins screaming that if Melissa wants her to cook, then BRING HER SOME CHICKEN CUTLETS, SOME TILAPIA, BRING HER FISH AND BRING HER CLAMS AND CRABS, SPAGHETTI, FETTUCINI, AND VEAL. Melissa shrugs this off and announces that Teresa’s madre cooks all the food, and then Teresa puts herself in the pictures and we all know it. And we did not all know it, but that is an awesome thing to now know (even if it isn’t true)! Teresa is all MI SCUSI? And Melissa yells about singing with a track, I don’t know, and Teresa is like, SO YOU ADMIT TO LIP-SYNCHING, and everyone is like, No, maddon’, a track is different from lip-synching, you idiota. Teresa finally sighs and tells Melissa that she sings beautifully, whatever, but Melissa is all kinds of worked up now and pointing her fingers in Teresa’s face and yelling about Teresa calling her fake, all the while Caroline shakes her head and smugly notes that Teresa has to push down everyone else’s success.

A viewer asks Melissa about the story that she’s selling her home, and Andy Cohen asks why she would leave a house she loves, what with her own personal recording studio and all that marble and gold leaf? Melissa pauses and sadly notes that she doesn’t want il Follettini to go to school with il Meatballini. But! Il Follettini and Meatballini, they love one another! protests a worried Andy Cohen. Well, Melissa is worried about il Meatballini ganging up on poor Stugats, which has never happened, but it could. Melissa agrees that it is all very sad, she and Folletto moved to that house to be near il Meatballs. Teresa can’t resist being petty, and insists that the only reason il Follettos bought the lot was because it was cheap and they couldn’t afford to move into Franklin Lakes. Melissa protests otherwise, but honestly, who cares?

Andy Cohen then plays the cercatore d’oro fight, and the accusations that Melissa and Danielle had been in touch. A viewer asks Teresa what the difference is between Melissa performing in clubs and Teresa being on book tours; WAIT, DON’T ANSWER YET, THIS IS A TWO-PARTER: Couldn’t Teresa also meet a richer man? Yeah, sure, Teresa shrugs before attending to what she really wants to talk about: how the cercatore d’oro conversation was supposed to be a private one between herself and Folletto. Melissa disagrees, pointing out that when Teresa calls her una cercatore d’oro, she gets involved. Teresa interestingly decides to put this one on Meatball, claiming he was the one that called Melissa una cercatore d’oro, because that makes it better, before veering to a new tack and announcing that Melissa dated one of Folletto’s amici before Folletto, so.

Melissa, frustrated that Teresa has her back to her while she is making these accusations, grabs Teresa’s arm to make her face her. GET YOUS HANDS OFFA ME, Teresa screams. I WILL PRESS CHARGES AGAINST YOUS RIGHT NOW.

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Caroline, me, everyone on Earth. (http://bravotv.tumblr.com/)

Melissa starts yelling at Teresa that she thinks she’s a queen because she’s wearing a long dress, I do not know what this has to do with anything, and then complains that Teresa continues to claim that Melissa married for money. The fact is, Melissa and Folletto married because they were in love, and just because it didn’t happen for Teresa, she now wishes that she had Melissa’s life AND EVERYONE CAN SEE IT AND TERESA HATES IT. Point: Melissa! Maybe two points, even!

While all of this is interesting, sure, Andy Cohen wants to get back to the Danielle issue, and how upset Teresa became at the reunion when Danielle mentioned that she hadn’t met Little Joe. Why was that? Besides all of the obvious reasons? Teresa explains that it demonstrated to her that Danielle had contact with Melissa, which infuriated her that her sister-in-law would be in communication with her Worst Enemy Ever. Melissa admits that she did, in fact, contact Danielle at a time when she and Teresa weren’t getting along, but it was about Sprinkle Cookiegate and how Teresa had become a star in her own mind. At this, Teresa demonstrates Melissa’s point by announcing that it is obvious that “On Display” is about her and begins singing it again, which YES. I could spend the entire hour watching Teresa butcher “On Display,” this is fantastic television.

Andy Cohen notes that the same issue keeps rising to the surface again and again: that Teresa was hurt when Melissa and Kathy joined the show. In fact, in her blog, Teresa “wrote:” “My family betrayed me by joining the show behind my back and trashing me on it.” Teresa agrees that yes, she wrote such a thing, because Danielle is the one who got Melissa on the show to get revenge on Teresa. Good conspiracy theory, Tre! I didn’t even realize they made tin foil hats in such tiny sizes! Andy Cohen then asks Melissa about the accusation that Melissa went to Danielle’s house, which Melissa dismisses, because she doesn’t even know where Danielle lives. Next question, Andy Cohen.

Andy Cohen asks Melissa why she is on the show? And Melissa is like, “For the opportunity, dummy. You mean to tell me that if I had been on the show first and the producers then found Teresa and asked her to be on, she would have turned down that chance?” Teresa smirks that she would have “found a different show,” because that’s just how it works. Who hasn’t had offers from multiple reality series, really? I turned down three just this past week.

An astute viewer asks Teresa if she is holding a grudge against Melissa and Kathy for being on the show, and Teresa insists that she’s let it go. “Only because she doesn’t have Jacqueline and Caroline in her life anymore,” snips Melissa. And then Teresa? Begins yelling “THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU GOD!” and gets up, teeters towards a table upon which she begins prostrating herself, thanking God some more. “Uh, Teresa? I had nothing to do with it,” says God.

So, they are bringing Meatball out, and before they begin shooting, he picks his nose, waves off suggestions that he needs Botox and chugs a Red Bull while everyone screams, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Really, Meatball, that is just some Bad Idea Jeans right there.

Andy Cohen informs Meatball that most of the questions they received for Teresa involved Meatball, and that Andy Cohen is grateful (sorta, kinda) that Meatball is here. “Yeah,” grunts Meatball. So how about Teresa’s appearance on Celebrity Apprentice? asks Andy Cohen. “Yeah,” grunts Meatball. Do you watch RHONJ? Asks Andy Cohen. “Nah,” grunts Meatball. Caroline concedes that she watched Teresa on Celebrity Apprentice , but only the once, so dont’ be getting all smug, Tre.

Andy Cohen then introduces the ridiculous and unintentionally hilarious Meatballs’ Marriage Madonn’! montage, which includes photos from their very klassy vow renewal. Because everyone knows that every time you renew your vows, it makes your marriage that much stronger. It’s just math.

Andy Cohen then asks Meatball The Question: So who were you talking to on the phone while you were at the vineyard? Meatball takes a long moment before answering “Albie,” which gives everyone a confused. Albie? NOT THAT ALBIE, explains Meatball. Some other Albie. Yous don’t know him. He’s un amici of Meatball’s. And anyway, if it had been una goomah, don’t yous think Meatball would have taken off his mic before talking to her? Yous think Meatball is dat stupid? (Yes. Yes we do.)

Now, Meatball does admit that he shouldn’t have said “that word” in reference to Teresa. There was no excuse (jeans), it was stupido, whaddya want him to say here? And no one asks why Meatball seemed to have forgotten about his mic in that moment because ANDY COHEN IS PULLING A JIM LEHER HERE. To his credit, Andy Coehn does note that: yeah, you called Teresa una fica, but back to the phone call, what about that part where you were pretending to speak another language? Meatball explains that he was talking to the “Spanish Pizza Guy” who was having a problem. And by “Spanish Pizza Guy,” he means “goomah.”

Andy Cohen is not buying any of this because he has a brain cavity that is wider than his index finger and he asks Jacqueline what she thinks happened. Jac notes that she’s heard the name-calling before —  AS WE ALL HAVE, BECAUSE IT HAPPENS MULTIPLE TIMES A SEASON. Teresa insists that Jacqueline has never heard Meatball call her una fica before (as Meatball suddenly becomes overwhelmed with a delicate sensibility and insists that Teresa not use that word again, he’s getting the vapors over heah.) Jacqueline suggests that they not “go there,” as Meatball begins complaining to Andy Cohen that he cost him a lot of money by airing that episode. Imagine! Meatball had to go out and buy Teresa a pile of jewelry for revealing to the world that he is a big cheating cheater who cheats that he called her an unsavory word. THANKS, ANDY COHEN.

A viewer asks Meatball how he feels about Teresa bringing home the prosciutto, which only irritates Meatball. He brings home prosciutto, too. Tre has her prosciutto, he has his prosciutto. Whatevah.

Another viewer asks Jacqueline if il Meatballs are putting up a front about the state of their marriage. Jacqueline answers with a passive aggressive “no comment,” which, of course is comment enough. Teresa and Meatball insist that Jacqueline say what she wants, and Jacqueline explains that she may have made some hasty comments on Twitter about Teresa and Meatball’s marriage, but it was because Teresa had insinuated that Chris Laurita had cheated on her. But he did! claims Teresa. That’s why you don’t trust him! continues Teresa. That’s why he’s not allowed to go out, Teresa persists. NOPE, replies Jacqueline.

And then Meatball dismissively grunts, “Who gives a merda about your marriage,” which incenses Jac enough to announce that she is ABOUT TO GET REAL UP IN HERE: Il Meatballs, they punch each other and call each other every name in the book and Meatball has cheated on Teresa with the secretary and the babysitter and that Teresa walked in on Meatball giving the ol’ meatball hoagie to the babysitter on his desk in his office and Danielle claimed that the time she went out with il Meatballs there were strippers everywhere, OH MY. Teresa and Meatball, they have no real response to any of this but sputtering indignation.

Andy Cohen asks Meatball point-blank if he’s ever cheated on Teresa, and Meatball insists never, before demanding that they move onto another subject. Melissa notes that none of the rest of the cast ever discuss Teresa’s marriage, but Teresa always talks about everyone else’s and SO HOW DOES IT FEEL? Teresa responds by calling Melissa a fake and an “opportunitist” which is like an opportunist, but less educated. Andy Cohen wonders what’s wrong with using the show as an opportunity, or being an opportunist, but Teresa, she’s too busy screaming at her sister-in-law that she is fake. Melissa continues noting that Teresa constantly attacks everyone else’s marriage, and just look how she reacts when they do it back, Teresa and Meatball are “dumb and dumber, frick and frack.” And to that, Meatball wonders existentially why he is even here, before letting out a long, satisfied Red Bull burp.

We’ve got one more hour of this, people. Stock up on Red Bull and Fabulini, it’s gonna be a long one.

And, OH HEY, in the meantime, there’s this, in case you missed it:


The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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