May 21, 2012
Charlotte, North Carolina! The good people of Charlotte are very excited that St. Emily is filming The Bachelorette in their hometown, world-famous for being the one of the headquarters of NASCAR, the NASCAR Hall of Fame, hit by Hurricane Hugo, and being referred to as a “hornets nest” by some British guy this one time. And now a new claim to fame: St. Emily Maynard has chosen the Queen City to be where she will quarantine a bunch of shaved apes in a McMansion, releasing them occasionally so as to go on intimate dates with her and a full camera crew. This is very exciting for Charlotte! So exciting that they have commandeered Kalon Dru-Zod’s helicopter so the local news can fly over said McMansion (Emphasis on the “man,” am I right? No, I am gross.) and leer from above.
Meanwhile, St. Emily has hidden away in the forest with her mother and friends so that she can thank them in secret for looking after Ricky Bobby, Jr. and taking her to soccer practice while St. Emily spends her days rubbing up against a bunch of waxed man chests.
At the quarantine area, Chris Harrison herds the mancattle out into a courtyard to explain how this whole thing works. Two 1-on-1 dates, one group date, roses, elimination, BLAH BLAH BLAH THIS IS THE 47th SEASON OF THE BACHELOR I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE RULES BY NOW BLAH.
Chris Harrison then puts down the first date card: “Ryan, be my king in the queen city. –St. Emily P.S. Please do something about your hair. Try some sort of product maybe? Something to make the hair at the apex of your head not stand up so much? Are heads even supposed to have an apex?” Kalon Dru-Zod, while disappointed that he did not receive the one-on-one date, notes that either Ryan comes home with a rose or not at all. MWAHAHAHAHA.
The Producers order the manherd to take off their shirts and go hang out by the pool to await St. Emily’s arrival, and the sheer amount of wax that was sacrificed for this season of The Bachelorette must have been astounding. Are there wax reserves somewhere? Or have they been depleted by the likes of Head Injury Charlie, Kalon Dru-Zod and Pauly D.? My husband, Mr. T notes that it looks like a gay porn set, which, yes, and I’m not sure that I’m allowed to repeat that here on this “family-friendly” site, so let’s keep that between us, cool? Cool. St. Emily arrives wearing normal people clothes, and points at Ryan. “You. Get in the car. Now.” Ryan grunts a goodbye to the rest of the mesomorph parade and hurries away for his “kingly” date.
Which involves him putting St. Emily’s groceries away, and donning an apron to make Ricky Bobby, Jr.’s soccer team some cookies. Perfect. Ryan and his stupid hair are clearly unhappy that St. Emily is emasculating him by making him wear the apron, and he makes a bunch of wincing faces and St. Emily barks GET OVER IT, BUB. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A SINGLE MOM ISN’T ALL GLAMOUR AND BUNGEE JUMPING.
She does not do that. But that’s the point she’s making and she’s not wrong. In fact, all of her dates should be along these lines. One guy can come over and take out her recycling and mow the lawn. On another date, one of the apes could clean out the gutters and get the Christmas decorations down from the attic. Yet another date could be: “Oh hey, I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store, would you swing by the Piggly Wiggly on the way from the McMANsion and pick some up? Also some tampons. OK Thanks!” It wouldn’t make for the most exciting television mayhaps, but it would certainly be realistic.
Back at the McMANsion, the other men wonder if Ryan and his terrible hair will meet Ricky Bobby, Jr. on his first date, and some brainiac dismisses the idea, noting that there’s no way a responsible mother like St. Emily would introduce her daughter to someone on their first date because that might be confusing for a 6-year-old who is not mature enough to understand the fleeting nature of early adult relationships he might be a serial killer. Exactly, genius. That’s why St. Emily won’t introduce Ricky Bobby, Jr. to the person with whom she is on her first date.
OR WILL SHE? Because the next thing you know, St. Emily and a beaproned Ryan are driving towards Ricky Bobby’s soccer practice to deliver the cookies. However, upon arriving, St. Emily makes Ryan sit in the car and wait because you’ve got to be kidding if you thought you were going to meet her daughter so soon, Ryan. You and your stupid hair, you just sit there and wait.
When St. Emily returns to the car, she informs him that they are now headed to Chuck E. Cheese where he will have to wrangle a bunch of kids hopped up on sugar, and poor Ryan, his dim-bulb face goes blank for a moment as he is unable to immediately process this terrible, terrible news. But don’t worry, dummy, St. Emily was just making a funny. Y’all are going to dinner and St. Emily is going to drop you off at a hotel so that you can “get ready,” i.e. iron your clothes while shirtlesss in front of a camera crew. Question: how many chest oilers does this show have on staff? Did they find the budget for the chest oilers by firing all of the wardrobe people who might have, I don’t know, ironed the contestants’ shirts for them?
St. Emily arrives at the hotel with a fancy rented sports car and poured into a ridiculous lace dress (which is magenta, Ryan, not red, get it straight) and she gives him the keys so he can drive them to dinner. (Which nope. No way. I drive and you sit in the b-seat, Ryan. Be glad I’m not making you wear an apron while you do so.) Upon arrival, all of Charlotte is waiting along the sides of a red carpet? That St. Emily and Ryan must walk up on their way into the empty restaurant? Which, no thank you? Inside the restaurant, St. Emily has some “tough” questions for Ryan mostly about his past relationships and what he wants from a relationship. And I can barely hear his answers over the crowd shrieking at nothing in particular outside, but something about wanting to chase a girl? St. Emily DOES NOT APPROVE. What is she, a prize? Is she a prize to you? Is this some sort of game? (UH, YES, DUH. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, DUMMY? DO YOU NOT SEE THE CAMERAS FILMING YOU RIGHT NOW?) But whatever, Ryan grunts something or other that assuages her concerns about being a trophy to some half-witted man-ape’s ego, and she gives him the date rose.
The two of them have a mysterious conversation about chasing and running which would creep me out if the both of them weren’t operating on such low-wattage. They then go outside where some band I’ve never heard of serenades them as they dance on an elevated platform above the screaming plebes of Charlotte. Great date!
Back at the McMANsion, the men receive the group date card. “Alejandro, Nate, Unfrozen Caveman Grain Merchant, Desperate Tony, Austin Michael, Wolfboy, Justin Wannabieber, Head Injury Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Clark Kent, Pauly D., and Kalon Dru-Zod: Let’s set the stage for love.” Kalon Dru-Zod explains to us that he played Pinocchio in the first grade play. He’s got this one.
The men are all herded into a theater of some sort where St. Emily explains they will be putting on a variety show to raise money for the Ricky Hendrick Centers of Intensive Care. A curtain is pulled back and St. Emily reveals that they will be putting on this charity show with none other than Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and the rest of The Muppets. And upon seeing Kermit and Piggy there, that would have been the moment that I freaked out, burst into tears and would have had to leave. I know you think I am kidding, but I am not kidding. And it is because I love The Muppets so much (so very much), that I am sitting here fuming that ABC/Disney thought they would be appropriate to use on a gross dating show. NO SUCH THING AS BAD SYNERGY, I SUPPOSE. (That sound you hear? That’s Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.)
Also, Pauly D. thought this was an appropriate outfit:
Finally, it’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights. After telling us that she’s not a dancer, St. Emily demonstrates just how much not a dancer she is not in her big dance number wherein she stands perfectly still and waggles her hands in the air while the men walk around her wearing top hats. Entertainment! Wolfboy and Kyle deliver the worst jokes that have ever been shared (Ex: “What did Kermit say to Miss Piggy when she ate all the cookies? Don’t be such a pig.”), and then there is some sort of talk show bit hosted by Miss Piggy herself. Clark Kent, Justin Wannabieber and Head Injury Charlie are invited up to the couch to be interviewed by the diva, because the producers SHALL NOT BE DENIED THEIR CHANCE TO HUMILIATE HEAD INJURY CHARLIE. Fortunately for everyone, he manages to answer Miss Piggy’s questions without doing anything embarrassing, and the whole thing makes Pauly D. proud. Because it’s all about Pauly D.
Kermit invites Ricky Bobby, Jr. up to the stage for the big “Rainbow Connection” finale, and the men join St. Emily and her daughter to sing along, USING LYRIC CHEAT SHEETS. For shame.
At the after party, that Chris guy makes some whiny noises about how disappointed he will be if he doesn’t receive the date rose. Just as he did at the first cocktail party about the First Impression Rose. Ugh, this guy. St. Emily takes him aside and tells him he’s handsome, and he decides this means they “have a connection.”
St. Emily then sits with Justin Wannabieber, whom she badgers for not talking to her all day. Did he not see her giving him “the look?” Justin Wannabieber whines that she wasn’t making him feel special enough, and she plays right into his tiny little hands, reassuring him that she is, in fact, interested.
While Pauly D. dances with St. Emily, and the other men snicker, Kalon Dru-Zod (wearing some sort of grandma cardigan) sneers that the humans other men seem to be here to hang out with one another, rather than spend time with St. Emily. To demonstrate that he is there for the right reasons, Kalon Dru-Zod cuts in on Pauly D. and St. Emily and pulls her away. Sitting her down, Kalon Dru-Zod explains that he’s never had to compete for a woman’s attention before, and that she needn’t worry about his amazing handsomeness — if there were girls like her in Texas, he wouldn’t have to be on this ridiculous reality show competing with a bunch of inferior specimens for a few measly moments of her time.
CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT TEXAS WOMEN, KALON DRU-ZOD. YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
This is when Clark Kent arrives and wants to steal St. Emily away. Kalon Dru-Zod orders Clark Kent to KNEEL asks Clark Kent for two minutes, but when Clark Kent refuses, Kalon Dru-Zod walks away because he was “raised a gentleman.” Kalon Dru-Zod then goes into the holding pen with the other chattel and whines that he politely asked Clark Kent for simply two more minutes with St. Emily, to which Pauly D. rolls his eyes, and announces that he doesn’t like Kalon Dru-Zod. No one does, Pauly D. No one does.
And then St. Emily gives Justin Wannabieber the date rose and that Chris guy is OUTRAGED. The end.
Back at the McMANsion, the last 1-on-1 date card (WE STILL HAVE ANOTHER DATE? Oy, Momma needs another glass of wine.) arrives: “Joe, come close to my heart.” Ew.
St. Emily meets Joe (whom she describes as looking like Matthew McConaughey, and I can only imagine she means some other Matthew McConaughey, someone she went to high school with or something, because NO HE DOES NOT) in front of a tiny private plane. Which I suppose means she won’t be making him go with her to get her oil changed and pick up some lightbulbs. Also, a private plane? Really? Good for her, I guess. Because let me tell you, if my fiance died in a plane crash, I’d be traveling by foot everywhere. At the very least, I would refuse to fly on anything smaller than a 747. But St. Emily is braver than your trusty blogger, and she intends to whisk Joe away to West Virginia, the state where she grew up.
Fun fact: There is nothing worth going to in West Virginia other than the Greenbrier, a big schmancy club built out in the middle of nowhere, which is exactly where they are headed. Apparently, St. Emily has fond memories of going there when she was a child, which suggests that girlfriend is from some cashmoney. (Not that her nice suburban home didn’t suggest the same thing — but I assumed that she and Ricky Bobby, Jr. maybe lived off of some part of the Ricky Bobby estate or something.) St. Emily and Joe go swimming and have dinner and she asks him where he sees himself in 5 years and he gives some generic answers about his career and then they shove some pieces of paper into a clock for some reason and then St. Emily tells him to pack his bags, no rose for him. Joe is less surprised than I am and takes his leave with a shrug while, hilariously, fireworks explode overhead and St. Emily has a pretty cry.
Back at the McMANsion pool, Kalon Dru-Zod declares in a moment of honesty that he always imagined his first child being his own. Doug the Dad takes offense, and warns the rest to make sure they are ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood. He and Desperate Tony, they’re dads and they understand what parenthood means to St. Emily. Their kids are the most important things in their lives. Yeah, so then why are you here instead of with your kid? asks Kalon Dru-Zod, winning yet another BFF in the house.
Cocktail party time! St. Emily arrives and threatens to do to them what she did to Joe if they aren’t here for the right reasons. GOT IT? Cal Naughton, Jr. is the first to take her aside and tells her about life in Arizona and his ex-girlfriend’s kids, who he was totally cool with. He loves kids! Bring on all the kids! KIDS! Did he mention he likes kids? St. Emily announces that he makes her nervous. Indeed.
Ryan and his dumb monkey hair take St. Emily inside to talk, and Desperate Tony decides that this is the perfect time to steal her away for a little conversation, since Ryan already has a rose, right? However, just as Desperate Tony is about to make his move, Ryan gives St. Emily a 7-page letter (!) he scribbled to her in crayon which he makes her read out loud to him. “ME LIKE YOU. YOU PRETTY. ME LIKE APRON. IT FUN. YOU HAIR YELLOW. ME LIKE YOU YELLOW HAIR.” This goes on for 15 minutes, all the while Desperate Tony lurks in the corner, refusing to walk away because: desperate.
Kalon Dru-Zod has a sad because the other men don’t like him, and he tells St. Emily that he is an old Kryptonian trapped in a young Kryptonian’s body, which makes it hard for him to date most women who are stupid and immature. St. Emily narrows her eyes at this. Meanwhile, the other men watch Kalon Dru-Zod and St. Emily from the bushes and make bitchy comments about how he has a big vocabulary and Louis Vutton luggage. Ooh, burn.
Time for the roses, everyone!
Rose #1: Kalon Dru-Zod
Rose #2: Cal Naughton, Jr.
Rose #3: Austin Michael
Rose #4: Nate
Rose #5: Dallas Sean
Rose #6: That Chris Guy
Rose #7: Doug the Dad
Rose #8: Egg Dude
Rose #9: Desperate Tony
Rose #10: Wolfboy
Rose #11: Unfrozen Caveman Grain Merchant
Rose #12: Head Injury Charlie
Rose #13: Alejandro
Rose #14: Pauly D.
Which means Kalon Dru-Zod has defeated you, Clark Kent. Pack up your dumb oversized glasses and get out of here. You too, Kyle. Honestly, St. Emily should have walked out on stage and sent you home in front of everyone after your terrible, terrible “a pig is a pig” joke. I can’t even remember what your face looked like.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, and requires copious amounts of red wine to get through.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.