‘The Bachelor’: There will be blood

The Bachelor
“The Women Tell All”
March 5, 2012

Let us be very, very clear: I hate these sorts of reunion shows. I hate it when The Real Housewives do them, and I hate it when The Bachelor franchises do them, and I would hate it if a decent sort of show did them, a Mad Men or a Sopranos or a The Simple Life. In these reunion shows, nothing much is actually revealed, it devolves into reheated arguing about things that no longer matter (never did matter) and it is next to impossible to keep track of who is saying what, especially when we are dealing with 16 rejected women who are looking for vengeance. But here we are, and this has to happen, and I am feeling about as good about this whole process as Ben the Wine Dude right about now. Ugh. Reunion shows.

Chris Harrison comes to the stage to thunderous applause from the audience. HOORAY, CHRIS HARRISON! OUR FEARLESS LEADER! HE WHO COMPOSES THE FANTASY SUITE INVITATIONS FOR SOME REASON! YOU SHALL LEAD US THROUGH THESE MOST VEXING OF TIMES! Chris Harrison reminds us that this has been a Very Controversial Season, despite the Bachelor having the charisma of a damp towel and the hairdo of a toddler whose parents are afraid to take him to the barber for fear he might throw a tantrum. Chris Harrison promises us that for the first time ever, one of the final two women will be here to defend herself. So get ready, Lindzi the Horse Girl! You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do! HA, NO, It’s Courtney the Villainess, of course, and the crowd loves it.

But first, we have to sit through some stomach-churning fun! footage of Bachelor reunions. Several times a year, members of previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette get together in what are called “Biohazard Zones (Risk Group 4).” There, they drink and perform mating dances and compare notes on different antibiotic treatments and talk completely naturally and unbidden by the Producers about Bachelor Pad and how much potential contagion “fun” it looks like and how they would really like a chance to go and have eggs thrown at their bikinied backsides because: Dignity. Looks like Ryan the Hot Water Heater Guy and Ali the Failed Bachelorette will be joining the cast this season. Sadly, there is no sign of Jenius nor his girlfriend/nemesis, Heidi the Possum.

bachelorette heart hands no
Hot water heaters need love, too, you guys.

Back to the bloodletting. The women invited back to “tell all” include:

  • Nurse “Put Me In Some Camo, I’ve Got Me Some Baby Deer to Shoot” Amber T.
  • “Momma Bear” Monica
  • Someone Named Jamie
  • Miss Pacific Palisades 2011, Samantha
  • “Picasso Face” Jaclyn
  • Erika the law student
  • Sheryl’s Granddaughter Brittney
  • Terrifying Trainer Elyse
  • “Blogessa” Jenna
  • Jennifer the Accountant (whom I had already completely forgotten)
  • Rachel
  • Casey
  • “Juggz” Blakeley
  • “MC Infectious” Emily
  • Texas Nicki
  • “Sparkle Pony” Kacie

Before Chris Harrison can even introduce the first montage (of a “sexy Bachelor” and 25 women — I’m not sure to whom he is referring, because no one involved in this season fits that particular description), Juggz is already declaring that SHE DID NOT COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS, because she is a walking reality television cliché with breast implants.

The montage begins with Ben the Wine Dude meeting the ladies, and quickly devolves into a compilation of all the terrible things the ladies have called Juggz: a hooker gingerbread man, a baseball-playing stripper, toxic, &c. We are also reminded that Sheryl’s Granddaughter up and left the show because her grandmother wasn’t nearby with a shock collar and cattle prod, forcing her to remain against her will she is the only woman on the series with a brain and eyeballs apparently. Also, remember that time Someone Called Jamie climbed on Ben the Wine Dude’s lap and barked kissing instructions at him? That was gross. Also, how about that Courtney the Villainess? What a Villainess, right?

Chris Harrison promises to get to Courtney the Villainess later, but first, what’s the deal with you, Juggz? Why you so terrible? Is the silicone poisoning your brain? Juggz reiterates that she did not come on The Bachelor to make friends, which, got it. No friends. Picasso Face tries to interrupt her, but Juggz has a Very Important Point to make: NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Again, yes, understood. Rachel sagely points out that on this show, the women end up spending more time with each other than with the Bachelor, and that maybe it was in Juggz’s interest to be nice to people. Out of nowhere, Miss Pacific Palisades 2011 gets all shrieky about how Juggz was a bully and kept shoving her juggz (or “blessings” as Juggz apparently and appropriately calls them) in Ben the Wine Dude’s face and that was NOT COOL. Chris Harrison allows Juggz the final word: Juggz REGRETS NOTHING.


Sheryl’s Granddaughter: Why did you just up and take off that way? Sheryl’s Granddaughter is like, “Dude, have you seen Ben the Wine Dude’s hair? Bleh.” Miss Pacific Palisades 2011 informs Sheryl’s Granddaughter that NO, in fact, Sheryl’s Granddaughter left the show because Juggz was a bully, remember? Sheryl’s Granddaughter will not be bullied into claiming that she was bullied, however, and sticks to her guns: Ben the Wine Dude is not cute, and she wanted to go home and give her date to someone who doesn’t have any taste or a sense of pride. Miss Pacific Palisades 2011 IS NOT HAVING IT, and claims that she was Sheryl’s Granddaughter’s only friend in the house and something something crying bullying something until Sheryl’s Granddaughter calls her a Chihuahua and demands she stop yipping. Sheryl’s Granddaughter: American Hero.

Oh look who’s back: Funeral Parlor Maven, Chantal, clad in some sort of gilded hospital gown. We have a montage of Chantal’s brief visit to this season of The Bachelor, wherein the women attacked her looks, thighs and called her dumpster trash before Ben the Wine Dude shoved her into her tiny little car and sent her back to her embalming table in Chico. Chantal explains that she only spoke to Ben the Wine Dude for five minutes, whereas she spent 2 hours being attacked by the other women. Chris Harrison is like, Girl, please. What did you expect?

The women, they all have something they would like to say to Chantal, PLEASE. Elyse the Terrifying Oompa Loompa Trainer begins by telling Chantal that she knew who Chantal was when she arrived unannounced, and actually rooted for Chantal to win the heart of our giant waxed ape, Wombat. However, she was blindsided by Chantal’s appearance, acted poorly and now regrets all this self-tanner being so horrible to her. The rest of the ladies, however, deliver their “apologies” with the back sides of their hands: she should have explained herself, she should have said hello, their thighs are also big (but not as big as her, obvs). Chris Harrison gives Chantal the final word: Chantal REGRETS NOTHING.


MC Infectious is invited to Chris Harrison’s special chair to spit some dope rhymes about her time with Ben the Wine Dude. But first a montage! Bridges, tattling, boat rides to singledom. MC Infectious drops some science on us, explaining that once she brought up Courtney’s terribleness to Ben the Wine Dude, she ruined her chances with him because she became, in his mind, the antagonist. And now she shall never know if he rejected her for her, or for what she told him about Courtney the Villainess. That all said, she wouldn’t want to be with somebody who would fall for Courtney’s villainy. WORD. Two things that Ben the Wine Dude did that were gross/made her happy to leave:

  1. Skinny dipping with Courtney, which showed a considerable lack of respect for the remaining women, of which there were many
  2. When she expressed her concerns with him about Courtney, he told her to “tread lightly” and that she might not know him as well as she thought she did

Finally, if Ben the Wine Dude chooses Courtney? He made that nasty bed, he can lie in it. BOOM. DROP THAT HOT MIC, GURRRRL.


Chris Harrison invites Texas Nicki to the Special Chair to watch her montage of worrying about divorce, weddings, Texas clichés, saying “I love you” way too early, limo back to Divorcéeville. Chris Harrison tries to act like it was some sort of big deal that Texas Nicki, after having been through a divorce, was able to tell Ben the Wine Dude that she was in love with him, BUT WHATEVER, CHRIS HARRISON. She could barely contain herself from blurting it out at every turn. This was no challenge, but nice try in creating a narrative, Big Guy. Texas Nicki says some boring things about how “easy” it was being with Ben the Wine Dude, and how nice he was, and that she was sad after he dumped her, and great, thanks, back to the stockyards with you, sweetheart.

Sparkle Pony, whom we and the Producers clearly thought would be in the final two, comes up to Chris Harrison’s Special Chair to watch her montage: baton twirling, fishing nets, giant flowers on the side of her head, keening in the back of the Oldmaidsmobile, WHHHHYYYYYYYY?? But not one shot of her father silently threatening to shoot Ben the Wine Dude in the face if he even has a passing thought about living in sin with his little girl? Because, COME ON, we all know that’s why Ben the Wine Dude dumped her, right? Her parents? The ones who did everything but chase Ben the Wine Dude out of the house with a shotgun? Instead, Chris Harrison and Sparkle Pony talk about what a “shock” it was that Ben the Wine Dude dumped her, and how “blindsided” she was that Texas Nicki moved on to the final three, and how Sparkle Pony, because she was so surprised by her dumping, flew to Europe to go lie down outside Ben the Wine Dude’s hotel room and sob. Sparkle Pony notes that when she finally watched the show, she learned that she and Ben the Wine Dude simply had different core values: she wanted someone who cares about family; he wanted to hang out with naked sluts. SO, YOU KNOW. Chris Harrison then begins asking Sparkle Pony if she’s still “open to finding love,” which is total Bachelor-speak that they only use in relation to Bachelor/Bachelorettes, and let me just call it right now: Sparkle Pony, 2013 Bachelorette. If her parents will let her.

ALRIGHT. THE RED MEAT, IT IS COMING. But first, a montage of how awful Courtney the Villainess is, which is basically just this:


All the chair ladies high-five Sparkle Pony for comparing Courtney to a black widow and smooshing her, and then they get down to the hate. Courtney is manipulative, not nice, hurtful, “in it to win it.” Juggz is forced to differentiate herself from Courtney, and she explains that she never said anything nasty about anyone else, which is sorta true, but not really. Sparkle Pony explains that Courtney had two different personalities, one with Ben the Wine Dude, and the other for everyone else. She just hopes that in the end, Courtney’s Ben the Wine Dude personality is the one that is for reals. Because she still doesn’t want Ben the Wine Dude to get hurt or something. Which, who cares at this point, right? She can’t seriously care if Ben the Wine Dude is hurt by this witch, can she?

Erika the law student makes some weird observation about how models are worldly and expected to know how to interact kindly with people, which, um, no. Models aren’t actually known for that at all. Texas Nicki then notes that she was irritated by seeing Courtney lie to Ben the Wine Dude about how hard she tried to get along with the other women (NOPE) and how Ben the Wine Dude keeps saying that he wants someone who can get along with other people. Which: 1. Isn’t that just a basic personality trait? Like, does that need to be listed as a quality you are seeking in another human being? and 2. “Gets along well with others” might be a quality you look for in a cat you adopt at the ASPCA, but is it something you have to actually articulate about wanting in a girlfriend? Also, Courtney doesn’t do that, so.

The other Casey, the one who had the boyfriend (or didn’t, as it turns out) and was banished from Panama, defends Courtney, kinda, explaining that Courtney spent a lot of time in her room, which is why the other ladies didn’t like her. MC Infectious continues being reasonable, and explains to dum-dum Casey that while it’s all well and good that Courtney was nice to Casey and Ben the Wine Dude, she can’t deny that she was a nightmare to everyone else, and that having such disparate personalities doesn’t bespeak well of one’s character. Texas Nicki jumps in to yell that she DID NOT BUY Courtney’s sudden change of heart and regret at being so nasty to everyone, always. SHE IS NOT BUYING THAT FOR ONE HOT SECOND. Someone Named Jamie is all, “I don’t know guys, I think they have a connection!” But MC Infectious is like, NOPE. WRONG. Courtney is just here to win, not for Ben the Wine Dude. Chris Harrison asks if the chair ladies can forgive her, and everyone is all, NO WAY IN HELL if she’s sincere!

LET THE FEASTING BEGIN: Courtney is brought out to the stage, and Chris Harrison notes that she seems scared to death, and she’s like, UH YEAH, YOU THINK? Chris Harrison points out that the chair ladies are pissed and Courtney begins by being apologetic and regretful, only to slide into accusing the women of not liking her and saying mean things about her. ORLY? Juggz demands to know what she did to be called a stripper; Elyse the Terrifying Trainer exclaims that it was really mean of Courtney to make the comment about how she’d be a sight for Ben the Wine Dude’s sore eyes after spending the day with one of Willy Wonka’s tiny slaves Elyse; Picasso Face claims that she liked Courtney until Courtney was mean to everyone else; Juggz points out MC Infectious tried to apologize to Courtney and Courtney spat in her face. Yeah, Courtney admits, I guess I shouldn’t have done that. Whatever.

Texas Nicki wants to know what Courtney’s turning point was, what made her decide to apologize to Ben the Wine Dude in Switzerland, anyways? Courtney explains that living with all of them was so horrible that it took her a while to get some distance and see that she had been behaving poorly. So, really, it’s all their fault.

Jennifer the Accountant notes that 6 days into living in the house, Courtney didn’t even know her name. But to be fair to Courtney, I had forgotten Jennifer the Accountant’s name the moment she was eliminated, so. Sparkle Pony wonders why Courtney thought it was OK to constantly be jabbing people with her awfulness, and Casey jumps in to defend Courtney AGAIN, even though no one cares/knows who she is. Chris Harrison throws it back to Jennifer the Accountant for some reason and she accuses Courtney of apologizing to Ben the Wine Dude for her behavior as a means to get to the next level, not because she was actually regretful.

And then MC Infectious, SHE BUSTS IT. Courtney can TRY to claim that she was awful because she was in an uncomfortable situation BUT THEY WERE ALL IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION, THE SAME UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION, IN FACT, AND YET EVERYONE ELSE MANAGED TO NOT BE TOTAL JACKHOLES ABOUT IT. Courtney wishes they had gotten to know her and her “story” better, and she makes a mealy-mouthed apology at the chair ladies about how this experience brought out the worst in her and yeah, sorry. Is that what you witches want to hear? SHE’S SORRY.

Chris Harrison tosses her a softball about her family being hounded by the press, and Courtney whines that her friends and family have been through a lot in the past several weeks, this has been the hardest thing she’s ever been through, blah blah blah. And yes! We have all seen Courtney the Villainess’ face all over OK and InTouch and Reality Nobodies Weekly, but you know why, Courtney? Do you know why your giant forehead has been peeking at all of us when we are checking out at the grocery store? Because you chose to be awful. Lindzi the Horse Girl, the other lady who remains in the competition, she’s not staring at me when I pick up my wine milk, because she didn’t spend the entire season being terrible, always, and making a concerted effort to make America hate her! This is all on you! BAH.

MC Infectious would like to know if 1. Courtney, who told MC Infectious she doesn’t “forgive and forget,” really expects the chair ladies to do just that, and 2. has she learned anything from this? Blogessa, who has apparently adjusted her meds since we last saw her, defends Courtney as being “defensive,” which isn’t really much of an apology for her behavior, but OK. And Juggz, who STILL IS NOT OVER BEING CALLED A STRIPPER (because it cut, perhaps, a little too close to the “blessings”) wants to know if Courtney will retract the things she said about her. Courtney, however, won’t look Juggz in the eye. COURTNEY! Juggz yells, LOOK AT ME. Courtney tries VERY HARD to muster up some tears and apologizes to everyone. She is going through Real Emotions, and she is being Torn Apart in the tabloids, and she is Very Sorry. Courtney then, perhaps, lets something slip. “I cared for Ben the Wine Dude,” she says before catching herself and adding, “I still do.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? Does Lindzi win this thing? (Rollover for potentially spoilery material: contrary to what some spoiler sites are saying?!) Or did Ben the Wine Dude pull a Wombat and not propose to anyone? Or did Courtney not accept his proposal? Or did she accept his proposal and he’s already dumped her because he’s seen how terrible she has terribled? MYSTERY! And then Chris Harrison, realizing that she has maybe just ruined the big finale, shoos her off the stage. Go away, Horribleness!


Chris Harrison finally introduces Ben the Wine Dude who proclaims this to be his “nightmare.” YOU AND ME BOTH, HAIRDO. Jennifer the Accountant, who is still miffed at being eliminated before Juggz (even though Juggz was also eliminated, so it’s not as though if she had stayed longer than Juggz, she would have somehow made it to the bitter end, right?) demands to know what Juggz had that she didn’t. Oh honey, do we really need to explain that to you? Ben makes some noise about how he never compared the women to each other, and how he just didn’t see himself dating her, and he thought dumping her was the kindest thing.

MC Infectious demands to know if he dumped her because her raps were whack. No, dummy, Ben the Wine Dude explains, it was because you wouldn’t shut up about Courtney the Villainess, duh.

FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL, Texas Nicki assures Ben the Wine Dude that he’s “the best man” she’s ever met, which, oh, sweetheart. She then wants to know when he realized that he was going to dump her. He does not answer this question.

Chris Harrison asks if it was difficult to say goodbye to the ladies, and Ben the Wine Dude is like, “Nope!” EXCEPT OF COURSE HE DOESN’T SAY THAT, WHAT KIND OF DUMB QUESTION IS THAT, CHRIS HARRISON? Ben the Wine Dude then apologizes to Casey for sending her away like some sort of befouled harlot, and admits that being the Bachelor is hard, and that sending people home was difficult. MC Infectious spits that he, in fact, sucks at it. WORD TO YOUR MOTHER, MC INFECTIOUS. Someone Named Jamie sees her opening, however, and tells Ben the Wine Dude that she still thinks he’s supergreat, and if things don’t work out between himself and whomever he chooses, she’s more than happy to sit on his lap and yell instructions on how to fondle her again. Because it was so sexy the first time.

Chris Harrison then introduces a blooper reel because we have to fill 2 hours of this nonsense somehow.

Finally, a closer look at the final two women:

  1. Courtney the Villainess: She’s a villainess!
  2. Lindzi the Horse Girl: She likes horses!

And that’s it! One more week of this nonsense and then Ben the Wine Dude, he and his terrible hair will be out of our lives FOREVER! Programming note: next week is the Big Finale in which Ben the Wine Dude will propose or otherwise suggest to one of these ladies that he likes them enough to pretend to be their boyfriend for a few weeks, until something else captures the attention of America (not that America was really paying any attention in the first place) and they can quit their little charade and go on with their lives/sign up for Bachelor Pad. After the finale will be the stupid “After the Final Rose” episode where Chris Harrison tries to convince us for an hour that Ben the Wine Dude and whomever he chose, they are in love, and they are going to get married for reals, no seriously, you guys, they are. (They are not.) I will be blogging one of these things, and not the other. I invite you to guess which.

The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 7 p.m. The finale is next week, thank goodness.


This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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