The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills”
January 23, 2012
Well, that was Vanderboring.
LISTEN. It’s not that Pandora’s wedding wasn’t beautiful and spectacular and ridiculous and kinda, sorta, a little moving. It was all of those things. But after a season that has featured: at least one finger-waggling, crutch-hiding, eff-bomb-flying fight in each episode; spousal abuse; Ace Young; a million-dollar lollipop necklace; divorce; countless adventures in inebriation; and a freaking suicide, you’d expect that the season finale would be filled with dramaz! Or at the very least be interesting. Instead, we get Dr. Mr. La Maloof farting on a stretcher and the three housewives that were invited to Pandora’s wedding behaving like reasonable, sober, polite adults. THIS IS NOT WHAT I PAID FOR, ANDY COHEN. Sure, this was Pandora’s big day, and considering how much money Lisa Vanderspent, it’s only fair that no one pull a Kim and ruin it. But did we have to devote the entire hour to it? NO WE DID NOT. A COUPLE SHOTS OF LATOYA JACKSON DOES NOT A REAL HOUSEWIVES FINALE MAKE.
OH WHATEVER. THIS EPISODE.
For whatever reason — Social Awareness! I suppose — we are invited along for Dr. Mr. LaMaloof’s colonoscopy, an invitation we can not refuse, apparently. A nurse orders Dr. Mr. La Maloof to give himself an enema and NO, SORRY, NOPE. NONE OF THIS. Can’t do it. I WON’T DO IT. If you have a family history of colon cancer, you should have your first colonoscopy at 40. If you are of average risk, you should have a colonoscopy at 50. There are some people who should have colonoscopies at an even younger age for one reason or another, but I suspect that if you do, you already know this and are on top of it. There. Does that get me out of having to describe this scene? “And then while in a Kimessque-haze, Dr. La Maloof farts a lot while mumbling, ‘Oh no! Oh no!’ over and over again.” Is that good? Are we done here?
Time to get ready for the big wedding! The day before, Lisa Vanderfrets as the tents are raised on the tennis court. Lights and dangly things and tables and air conditioners are all shoved into the tent, but there is no “Kevin” to be found because he’s out of town? Which is a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do on the eve of not just another Beverly Hills wedding, but a Beverly Hills wedding that will be broadcast on a national television program. This is just a good idea. Lisa is not Vandermused. Lisa and Pandora and Pandora’s maid of honor approve of the tent, noting that no one would ever be able to tell that it was a tennis court, aside from the net posts — which Lisa uses to demonstrate how Camille dances.
Also, hope you enjoyed that because it is the most interesting thing that happens in the episode.
Later, Grandpa Ken shuffles into the house, and is immediately yelled at by Lisa to simultaneously VANDERHELP! and VANDERGETOUT! This is very confusing for Grandpa Ken, who grabs his walker and prunes and leaves. Boring.
The day of the wedding, Kyle has a snit when Mauricio announces that he does not have a tuxedo to wear to the wedding, and instead will wear a navy blue suit. 1. How does Mauricio not own a tuxedo? I know that’s not a thing that most men own, but if you go to enough fancypants parties, it actually behooves you to buy a stupid tuxedo, 2. I don’t know if there has ever been a better example of first world problems than “We’re going to a fancy wedding, and my husband only has a navy blue designer suit to wear. WHATEVER SHALL I DOOOOOO?” Boring.
Meanwhile, Camille puts on her boring makeup and talks to a boring friend about which boring dress she’s going to wear to the Vanderwedding before mentioning her boring boyfriend and how she needs to learn to love and trust again. SO BORING.
7 hours before the wedding, the Vandercake arrives. Grandpa Ken makes a funny when he pretends to almost drop the top of the Vandercake. With her eyes, Lisa promises to smother him in his sleep. There’s some discussion about the Vandercake and roses but I can’t pay attention BECAUSE OF ALL THE BORING.
Lisa heads back out to the tent to flap her hands and worry about how hot it is and how “Kevin” still has not arrived, and I just can not believe how Vanderboring this is.
“Kevin” finally saunters in to throw a few “shi-shi-shis” and a couple “bling-blings” around. Still boring!
Inside, Lisa and Pandora and all 4 Vandermaids converge in the bathroom to get started on their hair and makeup. Lisa announces that, Whoops! She only hired one makeup person! Everyone looks alarmed, but being British, they are much too polite to say anything about it, and instead offer to do the makeup themselves. Lisa introduces makeup artist, Korrie to the group, and then, SURPRISE! Korrie’s identical sister, Kelsey and DOUBLE SURPRISE! their triplet, Kaeli who are all here to do the hair and makeup! Everyone just got VANDERPRANKED! The ladies smile politely at Lisa’s clever Vanderjoke. Max and some sort of Vanderodent perched on his head arrive, and Lisa orders him to shave it off. Boring.
Grandpa Ken, obviously lost again, wanders into Lisa’s Vanderdressing room, yells something about his wedding speech and eggs, and then dresses a tiny dog in a tiny tuxedo BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BEVERLY HILLS HAS A TUXEDO, MAURICIO. Also, boring.
Finally, Lisa straps on her Vandergown (pink, duh) and her tiara which she goes out of her Vanderway to explain Pandora gave her, and that she would never, NEVER! darling, just wear on her own. HA HA HA, Such an idea is as Vanderlarious as it is Vanderposterous. At the foot of the stairs, Lisa realizes Suitcase Maid is in an actual dress and not in her Suitcase Uniform, but is unable to simply compliment her without criticizing Suitcase Maid’s shoes. Leave Suitcase Maid alone, Lisa! Eventually, Grandpa Ken comes downstairs with a menagerie of dogs in clothes, and they wait for Pandora to make her big Vandertrance. She does, in her $6,000 dress, and she’s lovely, if a little awkward what with all those skirts and tulle and diomundz and it’s all a little clumsy and overly full, but Lisa and Grandpa Ken don’t care, they just weep bittersweet Vandertears. Lisa, who is a huge softie, hugs her daughter and wishes her Vanderhappiness. So much more boring than I made it out to be.
The rest of the ladies who were invited to the Vanderwedding: Camille, Kyle and La Maloof gather at La Palace and Camille babbles about wanting to convert to Judaism so she can wear a yarmulke. 1. What? 2. You’re a lady! NO YARMULKE FOR YOU! 3. No, seriously, what are you talking about? Also? This is a boring conversation.
Everyone teeters on their way-too-tall heels across the street to the ridiculously beautiful wedding and everyone OOHs and AAHHHs and assures us that this is A VERY VANDERSPENIVE WEDDING, as if we couldn’t tell. And then Pandora gets married by a priest whose face is blurred out for reasons that are unclear but I’m sure are very boring.
Dancing at the wedding, dancing at the wedding, dancing at the wedding, oh look, it’s LaToya Jackson. Wake me up when she gets drunk and shoves a housewife. Otherwise? Boring.
Lisa and Ken make speeches about how wonderful Pandora is, and yes, it’s all very sentimental and sweet and loving but it is also VERY VANDERBORING.
And then the wedding is finally Vanderover.
Finally, as a little epilogue to the season, the ladies (minus Kim) (and Brandi and Pam — but they don’t count) go to Kyle’s house and drink wine and eat tuna “char-char” and congratulate each other for surviving the season. It seems this was filmed after Russell’s death and the ladies spend a lot of time telling Taylor how great she looks, how she’s positively glowing. Because your husband’s suicide is so good for your skin? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? Lisa passes around photos from the wedding, Camille passes around a creepy headless picture of her new boyfriend, La Maloof passes around free shoes with diomundz, and everyone passes along empty platitudes about how going through this difficult season has made them all stronger women and better friends. OH WHATEVER. Are we done? Now we’re done, right?
NOPE. UPDATES. I did not write these, the producers did. All gifs from the amazing realitytvgifs.tumblr.com:
And NOW we’re done. Except for the two-part reunion special. And Andy’s one-on-one interview with Kim Richards. Until then, darlings!
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.