The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows”
September 19, 2011
Taylor has an excellent plan for her day skiing at Beaver Creek:
- Step One: Don’t eat anything.
- Step Two: Ski all day.
- Step Three: Don’t eat anything.
- Step Four: Get in a hot tub and guzzle a bottle of white wine.
This is a very good plan! This is the kind of plan that only leads to positive, healthy behavior! After stumbling out of the hot tub, Taylor finds her way into Kim’s room, where Kim was attempting to sleep off her bronchitis. Instead, Kim is set upon by a wet, sobbing, half-naked Taylor, tearfully babbling on and on about how poor she was as a child and how the only person who could really understand her is Kim, on account of also being pathetic, and how she’s rilly rilly rilly sorry about being such a jerkfaced jerkface to her all of last year. Kyle, who had been hiding in the hallway listening in, joins them and thinks it is super awesome that Kim is being responsible and helpful and sympathetic and doesn’t seem to think anything of the fact that Taylor is a sobbing cuckoo pants. Who has climbed into her suitcase and is blubbering that she wants to go home.
Eventually, Taylor finds some pants, but loses what’s left of her mind. And her makeup bag. There is much door slamming and waving of hands and insisting that SHE HAD A MAKEUP BAG AND NOW IT IS GONE and yelling that she’s not going to be the “crazy” one, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed, my dear. Lisa and La Maloof tighten their mouths (to such the degree that they can) and shake their heads sadly and confirm that this is not “normal” behavior and that Taylor really should eat something. INDEED.
Lisa tattles to Camille that Taylor is having some sort of altitude-alcohol-anorexia-induced nervous breakdown, to which Camille sighs heavily, but not-so-secretly is pleased that she isn’t the focus of the dramaz for once. Kyle attempts to pour a glass of Coke (no, not that kind) and some tuna tartare down Taylor’s throat, but, like a stubborn dog that doesn’t want to take its heartworm medication, she refuses.
At the dinner table, Taylor mumbles something to Camille about how it was sleeping in Camille’s son’s toddler bed that threw Taylor over the edge: it made her recognize that what Kelsey Grammer did to Camille could happen to her own family. While Lisa rolls her eyes at Taylor for being such a victim, the other ladies blather trite platitudes at Taylor about needing to not be afraid of the loneliness, and Think of the kid! and such. This is interrupted by the chef who is very eager to tell them all about the butternut squash soup and the croutons and the emulsified beetroot and foamed olives or whatever. The ladies, they don’t hear a word.
Once the chef REALIZES IT’S NOT ABOUT HER BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP and GETS BACK IN THE KITCHEN ALREADY, Camille tries to compare her situation to Taylor’s, only to have Taylor insist that Russell isn’t cheating on her. La Maloof raises an eyebrow and suggests that there are some things that are worse than cheating, to which Taylor makes a sad duck face. Lisa and LaMaloof attempt to imagine themselves staying with a man who would raise a hand against them, and they laugh and laugh because that’s just Vanderpreposterous. Kyle attempts to change the topic, suggesting that Taylor attempt to imagine herself finding the strength to leave and living a Russell-free life.
THE IRONY. IT IS PAINFUL. TOO PAINFUL.
Kim, eventually grows tired of all this and throws a napkin in Taylor’s face while screaming “ABRACADABRA! ABRACADABRA!” because that is how you end conversations in Beverly Hills.
In Los Angeles, the producers force the husbands to go hang out with one another, which they always think will be more interesting than it actually ever is. Russell, however, does not join them because he has to make the business in another place that is not here. Mauricio, who again, it has to be repeated, is NOT John Turturro, and Dr. Mr. La Maloof wonder about Taylor and Russell, only to agree that no one really knows what happens in other people’s marriages. Ken sullenly notes that he regrets commenting on Taylor and Russell’s therapy at dinner the other night, adding, “poffle poffle, twigglefump.”
The ladies arrive back in Los Angeles, and Kim declares that it was a great experience for all of them. O RLY? R U SHUR? Kim then amends her statement, noting that she feels bad for Taylor who probably feels awkward about the events from the previous night. U THINK?
And thus concludes Taylor’s “Oops, Did I Forget to Pack My Meds” Super-Phun Times. Everything that remains is rather boring. BUT WE SHALL GET ON WITH IT ANYWAY BECAUSE WE ARE HEROES.
In Malibu, Camille talks some more at some woman who I at first thought was Alison DuBois, Medium to the Crazies, and I was all HOORAY! but then it was just that same boring person Camille took with her to the stables that one and I was all YAWN. Which is exactly how I was through this whole conversation about how Camille is considering selling her Malibu estate, except that she’s not.
Kyle has lunch with John Turturro Mauricio, where she tells him all about Taylor’s wackiness and mentions that she seems to be mending fences with Kim. Mauricio is all, Well, super for you. That doesn’t mean I have to forgive a bish. So.
Lisa and Ken have a Vanderboring story where she wants to buy the space next to one of their restaurants and he does not. VANDERDRAMA. Lisa then explains that she’s not afraid to use Vandersex to get her way. Gross, Grandma. No one wants to hear about that. Save those stories for your quilting circle. (Was that too mean? It might have been too mean. I love Lisa, but I do not want to know about her intimacies with Ken because Vanderyuck.)
Taylor meets with her life coach. Taylor explains to the pretty lady that on the ski trip, after she drank “a glass of wine” (cough) she had a “panic attack” (COUGH). But between Camille’s recent divorce and Lisa’s strong marriage and Kim’s own issues, Taylor just took on too much and had a breakdown. What? What do the Vanderawesomes have to do with any of this? Life Coach assures Taylor that she’s doing great, just so, so terrific, seriously. And I swear to God, I would have paid money, like a considerable sum of money, to have been able to watch this episode with Life Coach, because, Oh honey. OH HONEY.
Finally, La Maloof has some actual problems. She and her family own the Sacramento Kings and, because they are sport team owners, they do the thing that all sport team owners do: throw a tantrum and threaten to take all their toys and go home if the team’s city doesn’t buy them a sparkly new stadium paid for with tax-payer dollars. Because that’s what California tax-payers should be spending their money on right now: a new stadium for the Sacramento Kings. Apparently, the citizens of Sacramento and I are in agreement, and as a result, the Maloofs have announced that this will be the last season for the Kings in Sacramento. BOO, MALOOFS.
Anyway. La Maloof, Dr. Mr. La Maloof and Kim were going to fly up to Sacramento for the team’s “last” game in Sacramento, but Dr. Mr. La Maloof receives a phone call from the VP of media relations that suggests that they do otherwise. Apparently, the good citizens of Sacramento are displeased the with the entire Maloof clan for their plans to turn the Sacramento Kings into the Anaheim Muskateers, and plan to make their displeasure known at the game. Dr. Mr. La Maloof thinks it a poor idea to attend the game, but LA MALOOF WILL NOT BE DETERRED.
And so they load up into the limo and La Maloof snaps at Dr. Mr. La Maloof about heaven only knows what, and they get to the airport where they are meeting Kim and a private plane, except: no Kim. So La Maloof calls Kim and apparently dialed the number for CRAZYVILLE. Kim is disoriented, has no idea who it is that is calling her no matter how many times La Maloof yells into the phone, “IT’S LA MALOOF!” and then starts burbling about her power going out (?) and her hair being wet (?) and how nice the airport is (?) and how she loves the airplanes (?) and how she was just going to pull her hair into a ponytail but then she thought about all those Sacramento Kings guys (???) and anyway she’ll see them soon.
You guys, I don’t think she’s going to see them soon.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 9 p.m.