‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Up the creek

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Blame it on the Altitude”
September 12, 2011

OH HAY. We have a new intro, you guyzzzz. It would seem out of respect for the unfortunate and untimely death of Russell Armstrong, Bravo chose to run the first episode without the typical character intros. BUT WE CAN’T MOURN FOREVER, RIGHT? TIME TO MOVE ON, GIGGY.

GOOD. Now I feel like we can move along with this series and nothing will be weird or awkward or uncomfortable or feel like HINDSIGHT = 20/20, ever, ever again.

Kyle is moving into a modest new 7,000 square foot home with 7 bedrooms. And Faye Resnick is there to help. For some reason. There are some pool table-related shenanigans and some glimpses of Umansky family photos. Also, it’s very important to Kyle that you know that she and Mauricio, who is not John Turturro, why would you even say that, are very happy. SO SO HAPPY. SO HAPPY THEY ARE LIKE TWO KISSING UNICORNS IN GLITTER ON RAINBOW CLOUDS THEY ARE SO HAPPY.

MOVING ON (pun totally intended). Lisa Vanderpump summons her suitcase maid to pack for an upcoming trip to Camille’s Beaver Creek, Colorado ski lodge manse. Suitcase Maid suggests a few pink befurred outfits while Lisa blathers on some nonsense about how she’s a quite good skier, darling, she just hasn’t been skiing since skis were made from wood, i.e. the early 1900s. With the help of Suitcase Maid, Lisa chooses some sort of white puffy outfit while french kissing Giggy and Vandersighing heavily at the thought of having to travel with the other ladies.

La Maloof apparently can’t afford a suitcase maid of her own and has to rely on her German Shepherd to help her pack. This is why she is irritated when Dr. Mr. Maloof passive aggressively calls the German Shepherd downstairs. WELL HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO PACK HER THREE SUITCASES FOR A TWO-NIGHT TRIP NOW, DR. MR. LA MALOOF?

La Maloof and Taylor ride together in an overstuffed limousine to the airport and chat about Taylor’s ongoing marriage counseling. Taylor explains that she is learning how to speak up about the little things, like whether or not she wants to go to Olive Garden for dinner, AGAIN. La Maloof is clearly taken aback at the idea that Taylor has stayed in a 6-year marriage in which she didn’t feel empowered enough to be able to say that she wasn’t actually interested in getting a never-ending pasta bowl for dinner tonight. Taylor makes sad duck faces.

At the airport, Kim and Kyle flutter around in their ridiculous fur coats and cowboy hats, while Lisa watches on, Vanderplussed. On the flight, Kim flirts with strangers by punching them in their vertical stabilizers. Good technique, drunky. WAIT. THEY’RE FLYING COMMERCIAL? I guess these difficult economic times have, in fact, hit us all pretty hard. Even worse, upon arriving in Denver, they are not given private helicopter rides to Beaver Creek, and instead have to endure a four-hour long ride in a stretch Escalade. We all have to make sacrifices these days.

On the drive, Kim chatters everyone’s earballs off about nothing in particular, and Kyle tries to pick a fight with Lisa over the whole “Ken Hates Therapy” issue again. Lisa is not Vandermused.

They FINALLY arrive at the house, where Camille greets everyone warmly before announcing that HA HA she doesn’t have enough guest rooms for everyone. Suddenly it becomes an episode of The Real World all up in here, and everyone is scrambling for the best room, and in the end, Taylor ends up sleeping in a toddler bed, La Maloof and Lisa manage to score giant suites and Kim and Kyle are forced to bunk together in a fly-fishing themed bedroom. This leads to the sisters bickering over whether or not Kim has an alcohol issue rhinestones = sparkles. Take it to Toddlers & Tiaras, ladies, we’re not interested.

The ladies load up into a limo where they discuss, at excruciating length, Kelsey Grammer’s body hair issues. And that innocent part of me that didn’t know about Kelsey Grammer’s manscaping is now dead. Dinner is at the local Westin (fancy!) where the ladies discuss the modern rules of dating and Kelsey Grammer’s lack of kissing technique. TMKGI, CAMILLE.

Oh, and Kim’s not quite ready to forgive her sister, not just yet. Noted.

The next morning there’s a bunch of pointless whinging from Kim about having bronchitis and wanting to stay in bed all day but that all goes out the window once the Ski Concierge — which is a thing, apparently — arrives with the ladies’ ski equipment. Suddenly, the deathbed-sick Kim and all the rest of the ladies are bundled up in their ski pants and furry jackets and headed to the slopes, with nary a word to Lisa about how Vandercute is she in her Dr. Zhivago outfit. She Vanderpouts.

Once at the slopes, Lisa makes a Vanderfunny about being creaky beavers (ZING!) before the ladies spilt up into two groups: “Good Skiers” and “OH MY GOD MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST HANG OUT IN THE LODGE.” And when they’re done “skiing” (or flopping around in the snow, as the case may be), some man comes and delivers them warm chocolate chip cookies, which I do not recall from my own experience on the slopes. Perhaps because I don’t ski on Mt. Chips Ahoy.

Once back at Camille’s ski lodge manse, while everyone else naps, Taylor and Kyle plop themselves down in the hot tub with a bottle of white wine and get their cry on. Rather, Taylor gets her cry on. Taylor cries about her marital woes, Taylor cries at the thought of being alone, Taylor cries about not being able to let go of her anger and resentment, Taylor cries about wanting to make her marriage work. She cries and cries and cries and gives Kim meaningful looks (although Kim has NO IDEA what she’s trying to convey) and cries and cries and cries. Kim notes that Taylor seems to be stressed and not eating, and she really thinks Taylor might not be very happy. OH REALLY? WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE, DR. FREUD?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 9 p.m.

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