“The Men Tell All”
July 31, 2011
I’m not saying that The Bachelorette producers are a bunch of lying liars. That is a thing that I am not saying because that would be rude. What I AM saying is that I definitely remember exactly one thousand promos for this “The Men Tell All” episode, all of which said, and I quote, “Be sure to watch the Very Special Montage episode, where we will lower Evil Bentley and his DOT DOT DOT from the ceiling like a piñata and he will once and for all atone for his sins, or we will blindfold Dr. Tube Socks and three men of her choosing, turn them around until they are dizzy, and then give them a be-tissue papered broom stick and let them go to work.” This was a thing that very most certainly happened.
Hey! Guess who didn’t show up to “The Men Tell All” special? Is the suspense killing you? ELLIPSIS ELLIPSIS ELLIPSIS.
The evening begins, weirdly, with Chris Harrison and Dr. Tube Socks at the Bachelor House. I have so many questions! Why are they there? Why aren’t they at the Very Special Tell All Set? Is The Bachelor Pad still filming in that house? Did they disinfect the Bachelor House before filming this? Maybe Chris Harrison and Dr. Tube Socks should be in hazmat suits? QUESTIONS.
Chris Harrison: Hey, remember that one guy in the mask? Did you know he can operate a vaccuum cleaner? That date you went on with William, that was something, right? Boy, you sure surprised Ryan when you dumped him. Bentley! He was controversial!
Dr. Tube Socks: Yeah.
They then review “funny” moments that didn’t make the show, including: J.P. breaking furniture; Dr. Tube Socks falling asleep; Mickey in a harness; Fivehead eating crickets and waltzing with a JabberwockeeZ (What is the singular of that? JabberwockeE?); Ben the Wine Dude eating rice out of a bamboo stem; toe crampage; inappropriately arranged fruit; Vaseline.
Oh look: a 15-minute long promo for The Bachelor Pad, also known as a “special home” for those who leave The Bachelor with “broken hearts.” INDEED. Things that make the house special: the drinking water is spiked with Valtrex and birth control pills, the pool is chlorinated, HEAVILY, and the shower heads are all from the Silkwood line of plumbing fixtures. They promise us Jake and Vienna and lots crying. SO MUCH CRYING. These are selling points? These are things people are excited to see? I guess we’ll find out since it looks like my tenure with these terrible terrible shows is far from over thanks to one Erica Rose and her very stupid tiara. I’m going to need all of the wine. Begin the stockpile.
Oh look! All (except not all) of the men are back to talk about their experience dating Dr. Tube Socks:
- Chris D.
- Lucas (Big Bland)
- Jeff (The Mask)
- Ryan M.
- Ames (Fivehead)
- Ben C.
- Ryan P.
I do not recognize half of these people! I literally have spent COUNTLESS HOURS writing about these people and I have no idea who they are! What’s a Stephen? Or a Ryan M.? Chris D.? Are we sure he was on this show and didn’t just wander in off the street with a square jaw and a suit?
As for the rest of the men, Chris Harrison gives us a quick refresher: Tim is a snoring drunk! Jeff is a weirdo! Ryan is annoying! William is a jerk! And then everyone attacks William for being such a jerky jerk, because man, that guy was a jerk.
But they turn on Ryan soon enough, yelling about how annoying he is. Big Bland compares him to an overeager camp counselor, which I can see would be very very annoying. Good simile, Big Bland! However, Mickey compares him to a puppy? This is a thing that is not annoying! Puppies are, in fact, THE OPPOSITE of annoying! Was Mickey confusing antonyms and synonyms again? Because the thing is, these people, they are not very good with the grammar.
And as for The Mask, he just thought it would be funny to wear a mask to a rose ceremony, but then somewhere along the line he lost control of the whole thing and he was suddenly wearing it all the time OR WAS THE MASK WEARING HIM? (Deep.) Tim the Snoring Drunk calls The Mask a weirdo, but he should talk, appearing on national television in scrubs and a bright white belt.
William, the aspiring stand-up comedian, is summoned to the “hot seat” where Chris Harrison plays a montage of his time on The Bachelorette, again including the Bellagio date, but then follows it up with an extended remix of the roast where William attacked Dr. Tube Socks mostly for not being St. Emily. ZING! William, in the little picture-in-picture box LITERALLY PLUGS HIS EARS LIKE HE IS 7 YEARS OLD, and I just … no really, did anyone check his drivers license before he was cast? Are we certain he is actually an adult, and not just a really really tall 7th grader? Nick — you know, that one guy? with the long blond hair? personal trainer, maybe? — has decided that he wants Chris Harrison’s job and begins heckling William from the stands, demanding to know who William really wanted to date, and what William’s purpose was to be on the show — why was he here? William responds that they are all there because they can’t find a girl to date. OH SNAP. IN YOUR FACE, JACK LELANNE. But then William starts yammering about how the whole experience has made him cherish life more and that’s enough, William, thank you.
Chris Harrison then invites Ryan to join him to watch his montage: roses, water heaters and dumpings. Interestingly enough, what was not included in the Montage de Ryan was any mention of Stalkfest 2011, and his
pathetic desperate trek to Tahiti. I can only assume that this special was taped before last week’s episode aired and they didn’t want to spoil his return, but I wanted to hear more about that incident in particular: what did Ryan actually think was going to happen? How long was he there before she dumped him again? How’d he get the rope and duct tape past the TSA? These are questions that I have. Blake (Whom I barely remember, but GOOD NEWS! He and his cheek retractors, 49 pluggers and Beavertail burnishers will all be on The Bachelor Pad next week! Also, gross. I apologize for that entire sentence.) gets all belligerent with Ryan and the fact that while he spent roughly the same amount of time with Dr. Tube Socks as Ryan, he managed to not act like a crazy person when she dumped him. Ryan, and I am not making this up, explains that before he came on the show he read A LOT OF BOOKS, including: “Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged” (not the actual title), “Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” (not the actual title), and “Fabulous Questions” (not the actual title). AND he took notes. Lots of notes. Pages and pages of notes. ERGO, he and Dr. Tube Socks made a connection, duh. And then he says something about the Law of Attraction and I was just kind of kidding when I made all those jokes about him cutting out pictures of Dr. Tube Socks and making a collage, BUT OH MY GOD MAYBE NOT.
My boy, Fivehead, is invited up next and what do you know, but he is getting all the cheers from the audience! LLCoolA in da house! (Ladies Love Cool Ames, for those of you who aren’t down with the hip and the hop like I clearly am.) Basically, Fivehead was genuinely shocked when he was dumped, his concussion hurt, and he wants Dr. Tube Socks to be happy. Also, Chris Harrison presents him with his pink boxing gloves. Also, he’s going to be on The Bachelor Pad. OH, FIVEHEAD, NO.
FINALLY! The moment we are all really here for! Bentley and his Dot Dot Dot are going to come out and face the other men and Dr. Tube Socks and explain himself, and probably be pelted with rotten vegetables by what I apparently have decided is an old-timey vaudeville audience that travels with tomatoes and lettuces in their purses. But you know what? Wouldn’t you? If you knew you were going to sit in this studio audience, could you resist packing a couple of squishy Romas in your bag? I didn’t think so. ANYWAY, MONTAGE: Bentley is terrible, look how terrible his terribleness is, has anyone ever terribled as terrible as Bentley terribled?
BUT! THEN! Chris Harrison explains that he personally invited Bentley to tonight’s event and Bentley declined, because he has a brain in his head. I’ve only said he was terrible, I’ve never said Bentley was stupid. HOWEVER, I would still like my money back, because you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME WITH THIS. And you can ask the other men what they think of Bentley, Chris Harrison, and you can even bring my girl, Michelle the Villainess (or is it Michelle the Heroine?) out, half-dressed, to explain that she tried to warn Dr. Tube Socks, and that she worries that maybe by doing so, she actually sent Dr. Tube Socks on a one-way ride to Ridiculousville, you can do all of these things, Chris Harrison, but you know, and I know and the American people know that this is not the same thing as having Bentley come out on stage and attempt to defend himself while a collective nation radiates hatred at him through their television screens. WE NEED CLOSURE, CHRIS HARRISON. You know this, and so does Bentley and what I am saying is this: Bentley wins, Chris Harrison. Bentley wins all of the rounds.
Time to bring out Dr. Tube Socks! AND SWEET MOTHER IN HEAVEN, WHAT IS SHE WEARING? Was she mauled backstage by a wolverine (or a Wombat?)? Because she is missing an entire sleeve, and there’s a giant hole torn out of the front of her dress, which also seems to have lost its entire skirt all the way up to the crotch in the vicious animal attack. Someone needs to get her a rabies shot quicklike. Dr. Tube Socks announces that she is very happy, before immediately bursting into tears over being made to look like a fool by Bentley and his Dot Dot Dot, and she hopes the rest of the men can forgive her even though she dumped them all, SOREE!
Ryan then pipes in that now that he’s seen Dr. Tube Socks with the two remaining men, he sees her connection with them, and he promises that he won’t show up at her doorstep at 3 a.m. ever again, not that he’s actually done that even though he knows her address and her routine and it would just be so easy to shove her into a duffel bag and drag her to his home to meet his solar panels and he knows that if he could just talk to her a little bit more about hot water heaters she’ll understand everything and they will be in love and together forever and ever and ever.
And then Dr. Tube Socks says hi to Tim, but who cares, no one knows that guy, whatever.
The Bachelor producers then cattle prod Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky out onto the stage to mumble a bunch of drivel about how hard being the Bachelor/Bachelorette is, how difficult it is to dump people and be criticized by the public. My heart, it is breaking. Also, Dr. Tube Socks is a veritable hero for telling Bentley to scram; so says Deanna Pappas.
HEY. MORE FUNNY CLIPS.
Chris Harrison explains to us that tomorrow night Dr. Tube Socks will (hopefully) choose the man she is going to marry; either J.P. or Ben the Wine Dude. Who, you ask? GOOD THING THERE ARE TWENTY MINUTE MONTAGES OF BOTH TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY:
J.P. is a nice guy!
Ben the Wine Dude is also a nice guy!
Finally, Chris Harrison auctions off The Mask for what he keeps refering to as The Orphanage, which I can only assume is the one where Ben the Wine Dude painted that horrid elephant that one time, and some lady outbids Fivehead for it, and they make a whopping $2000 for The Orphanage. I hope that buys them enough paint to cover up that mural, finally!
HEY, AWESOME NEWS, GUYS: Tomorrow night’s “event” will be 3 hours long! 2 hours of The Bachelorette, and then an hour where Dr. Tube Socks and whomever she chooses “to marry” sit with Chris Harrison and try to convince America that they are really, truly, super in love and are going to get married, SHUT UP, YES THEY WILL, THEY CAN SEE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES, YOU KNOW. But even better news is that a week after that, The Bachelor Pad begins with a 3-hour-long episode. I think we can all agree that this is a very necessary thing, 3 hours of this show in one night, and that I have pretty much just won the lottery.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, but just until tomorrow. I’d rather not talk about what happens after that.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.