June 6, 2011
Get the tissues ready, America. There will be crying. Lots of crying.
Chris Harrison dons a hazmat suit and heads inside the Men’s Quarantine Area to deliver the news that there will be one group date, two one-on-one dates, roses blah blah WE KNOW, CHRIS HARRISON, JUST GIVE UP THE DATE CARD, ALREADY, BLAH.
Date Card #1: Pepe Le Pew, Esq., Love Strikes in a flash! Pepe Le Pew, Esq. is très heureux about going on une rendez-vous d’amour with Dr. Tube Socks, and who wouldn’t be, really?
(Fun Fact Completely Unrelated to This Episode: My husband, who we shall refer to as Preppy Le Pew, Esq., insists he is a doctor. So I suppose we should refer to Pepe Le Pew, Esq. here as Dr. Pepe Le Pew. But I’m not going to because, COME ON.)
SADNESS ALERT: Westley is disappointed he didn’t get the one-on-one date. However! Next time he is alone with her! HE SHALL REVEAL HIS
MIDDLE-AGED FACE IDENTITY!
Dr. Tube Socks burbles about how she really feels connected to Mickey, William and Bentley the Villain because FORESHADOWING. And DUMBASSERY.
Dr. Tube Socks picks up Pepe Le Pew, Esq. for their big date, which requires them to first spend some time in a dance studio, miming popping champagne and then pouring said champagne into mime champagne glasses and then drinking the mime champagne and then spirit fingers; and unless there is eventually (and eventually = super soon) some ACTUAL champagne, so far this date is a HARD FAIL.
But it gets so much failerer, kittens. So, so much failerer.
Dr. Tube Socks brings Pepe Le Pew, Esq. to a shopping mall, plops him down in the middle of the “DO NOT WALK ON THE” grass as though it were the middle of Lake Bellagio, and then demands that he do the champagne dance with her as though that weren’t completely: A. suspect, B. insane or C. both. But what’s he gonna do? Say, “Sorry, nope. I have a little thing called dignity?” So, Pepe Le Pew, Esq. is a good sport and agrees to do the champagne mime dance to no music whatsoever. BUT HA HA HA, JOKE’S ON YOU, PEPE LE PEW! You spent all morning practicing for a flash mob dance to the
Ke$ha song, “We R Like a G6!” And 35 other people are here to dance it with you and see some group called Far East Movement sing some other song RIGHT NOW! How exciting! How “fun!”
Dr. Tube Socks and Pepe Le Pew, Esq. then have dinner … somewhere. There, wherever “there” is (not that it really matters), Pepe Le Pew yammers on some nonsense about love and a bubble and emoticons, and long story short, he wants to be FURIOUSLY in love with someone, which begs the question: Why are you on a reality show? You are aware you are on a reality show, right? But Dr. Tube Socks is all SWOON and gives him a rose despite his utter cheesiness.
Date Card #2: Make me laugh! Love, Dr. Tube Socks.
Those ordered to make her laugh include: Some Guy Reading the Card, Ben the Wine Dude, Blake, Jason from Friday the 13th, Lucas, Nick, Ryan, William and Bentley the Villain. And half of those names I am just going on based on what the card read, because I have no idea who they actually are.
Prince Jackson has decided that it’s time to remove the mask, and reveal himself in all his glory to Dr. Tube Socks. I’m not sure if you caught this very complicated concept the first 76 times he explained it, but he chose to don the mask so as to remove the superficial physical element from a potential relationship with Dr. Tube Socks and make her appreciate his habit of mouth breathing on a deeper, more meaningful level.
And thus, finally, once he gets Dr. Tube Socks alone, Mr. Vanilla Sky decides it’s time to shed the mask and reveal the big mystery: He’s a fleshy 35-year-old white dude, with Manson Lamps and a sprinkling of grey hair! Way to focus ALL OF THE ATTENTION ON THE PHYSICAL, DUDE. WAY TO BUILD UP A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING.
Listen. For those of you young men out there looking for some dramatic way to set yourselves apart from the masses, may I suggest that unless you are breathtakingly gorgeous OR have suffered some dramatic facial burns, stay away from the masks, because you will merely disappoint with your ordinariness.
All of this is to say Dr. Tube Socks is unimpressed.
ON TO THE GROUP DATE. William, who has unilaterally decided that he is Funniest in the House, is looking forward to this date, which everyone is certain involves some stand-up or possibly skit-making. Jeff, the formerly masked man, explains that he is super funny and that he goes to comedy clubs all the time. Because going to comedy clubs = being funny; it’s just science.
Once inside the club, the men are introduced to none other than Jeffrey Ross, who explains that they are there to roast Dr. Tube Socks in front of 200 guests.
ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! THOSE 3 OR 4 OF YOU WHO HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEADS, LOOK FOR THE NEAREST EXITS NOW!!
The men all agree that this is insanely dangerous and a terrible idea because it is, and the majority of them decide that the thing to do is turn on their fellow bachelors, leaving the woman whom they are trying to woo, and possibly marry, out of it altogether. Except William. Who, apparently has grand dreams of a comedy career, and has decided that Dr. Tube Socks’ heart is the stepping stone to co-hosting the next Comedy Central’s Roast of Charlie Sheen alongside of Jeff Ross. Good luck, William! I’m sure this will work out for you, buddy!
First up: Lucas: Who makes a joke about Ames’ giant fivehead. Fair enough.
Ryan: Makes an attempt at a joke about Bentley and the last rose ceremony, but no one seems to know what he’s talking about.
Ames: Dons a notebook paper mask to mock The Cape.
Blake: Makes some complicated joke about all the other men’s physical attributes, which I think would be funnier if we knew any of them at all.
The Masque of the Red Death: Comes out an pretends to pick something up, saying, “Hold on a second –I just picked up your t!ts, sorry.”
Ben the Wine Dude wins me over by noting, “You’ve had 15 minutes to talk to this girl (mimes taking off a mask) BOOP! Here’s my face! You have small t!ts!”
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Ben the Wine Dude.
Still, the rest of the men see this as an opening, and walk right through it:
Nick: Notes that William’s joke fell as flat as Dr. Tube Socks, which will make more sense when you understand how these terrible shows are edited.
Ben the Wine Dude: Congratulates Dr. Tube Socks on coming in third on The Bachelor.
That One Guy Whose Name I Can’t Bother to Remember: Makes a joke about calling this season of The Bachelorette “Wombat’s Leftovers.”
Bentley the Villain: Makes yet another small boob joke. HAR HAR HAR.
But William, who prides himself on his comedy stylings, listens with disgust for the lack of respect these men have for the art that is the comedy roast. YOU CAN’T BE SOFT. IT’S A ROAST. JEFF ROSS IS HERE, DUH.
William: Starts off well, referencing a joke about his shortness from earlier, but then proceeds to refer to Dr. Tube Socks as “used,” “garbage,” and “not St. Emily or Chantal/Shanwtel.”
Even Bentley the Villain notes that while he agrees with William, he’d never say that to Dr. Tube Sock’s face because he’s not totally stupid.
The set finished (And clearly not in the order as presented on air — note that Nick’s jokes reference William’s before William goes on stage. Still waiting for that prize, Mr. Pulitzer.), Dr. Tube Socks finds herself a corner and a pile of tissues and has a good sob. Which is where Bentley the Villain finds her, and decides that when an opportunity for evil arises, one must pounce or thereby relinquish one’s DB card. Dr. Tube Socks sobs that her biggest insecurity in doing this stupid show was that the men would have come expecting St. Emily, and would be disappointed to see it was her. And, Dr. Tube Socks, let me assure you that I wasn’t disappointed St. Emily wasn’t “The Bachelorette” this season. I was disappointed it wasn’t Michelle the Villainess. Because she would have torn this place apart, and it would have been awesome.
At the “party” afterwards, Dr. Tube Socks makes some passive-aggressive comments about how she didn’t mind the boob jokes but she’s REALLY INSECURE about St. Emily, y’all. And she was really worried they were all going to be supercrazy disappointed when they learned their bachelorette was going to be her, and not ridiculous blonde mother-goddess Emily BECAUSE COME ON, HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THAT. SERIOUSLY.
William, contrary to the evidence, is not completely stupid and understands that he messed up, and asks Dr. Tube Socks for a moment alone. There, he apologizes for being stupid but makes no effort to comfort her, urging her instead to find solace with someone else, while he sits in a ridiculous hanging wicker egg-chair and makes sad faces.
Eventually, William decides that he is going to go for a jog down the street in penance. Sure. Whatever. Just stop “being funny.”
As the men yammer at her about their three-legged dogs and whathaveyou, Dr. Tube Socks dwells on William’s “You’re Not Emily” “joke,” until Ryan is nice to her and kisses her and holds her hand.
Later, Bentley tries to do the same but Dr. Tube Socks throws him off his game by asking about the rumor she heard from Michelle the Villainess that Bentley was only there for self-promotion and is planning on leaving the show after a couple of episodes.
That sound you just heard was my head exploding.
MICHELLE? THE VILLAINESS? MY MICHELLE? MY BELLE? THE ONE WHO SHOULD ACTUALLY BE THE BACHELORETTE? THAT ONE? SHE’S THE SOURCE OF THE TEXTS THAT DR. TUBE SOCKS MENTIONED IN THE FIRST EPISODE? WHAT?! HER?!
Bentley the Villain poo-poos this information as coming from a friend of his ex-wife and therefore utterly unreliable, and because she’s a sweet, sweet dum-dum, Dr. Tube Socks believes every word.
However, when it comes time for the group date rose, she hands it to Ryan, which insults Bentley the Villain because he’s
an egomanical nightmare who is only there for his own little powertrip and I can’t believe I am defending this stupid stupid girl against this hairdo in a flannel shirt, what has happened to me a jerk.
While these dumb jerks were insulting Dr. Tube Socks’ bra size and then regretting it, J.P. was receiving the week’s last date card: There’s no place like home, Love, Dr. Tube Socks.
Dr. Tube Socks, in the meantime, is wandering around her little compound in her Mary Ann costume, pensively staring out into the desert and thinking about how much she loves Bentley the Villain and how she’s ready to pack up and move to Salt Lake City because this is the first day of her love story and, OH HONEY. It’s time to pack up, alright, and head back to dental school, because you are currently on the path to Patheticville.
Bentley the Villain has seen the writing on the wall. Thanks to Michelle the Villainess, the gig is almost up, so better he leave than be rejected. BECAUSE THAT’S THE LEVEL DB WE ARE DEALING WITH HERE. LEVEL 5 DB. YOU NEED SPECIAL CLEARANCE AND EQUIPMENT TO DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL DB, LEST YOU BE CONTAMINATED WITH THE DB-ISHNESS.
So, Bentley the Villain packs his bags and announces to Boy Wonder and the other men that it’s time for him to leave. There are a lot of half-hearted, “OH THAT’S TOO BAD”s and “HOW ABOUT A HUG”s and Bentley the Villain marvels at how dumb they all are, and while I agree with him in general, he’s way overestimating both their sincerity and his likability.
The next step is for Bentley the Villain to break the news to Dr. Tube Socks, which he is simultaneously excited about/dreading. But here’s the thing; there’s no turning back now. What must be done, must be done. “I’m going to make Dr. Tube Socks cry. I hope my hair looks O.K.”
BEST SENTENCE EVER UTTERED ON A BACHELOR FRANCHISE, EVER.
As he heads towards Dr. Tube Socks’ door, Bentley the Villain’s voice-over explains that when he signed up for The Bachelorette, he’d been hoping that it would be St. Emily, who is so breathtakingly beautiful that she makes Dr. Tube Socks look like an ugly duckling. And all sarcasm and snarkiness aside, OUCH, DUDE. UNCOOL. The bottom line is, he’s not attracted to Dr. Tube Socks and no matter what he might blah blah blah about his daughter being the reason he’s leaving, the truth is he’s just not that into you, Dr. Tube Socks.
And so, he shows up to her door and announces that he’s leaving, but in that “I wish I didn’t have to do this” kind of way instead of the “Look, you aren’t my type and/or you’ve insulted me by not fawning over me and giving me every single rose, always,” truth. Dr. Tube Socks cries and cries and cries and Bentley the Villain is villainous and complains about all the crying while at the same time kissing her neck so as to try to “turn her on,” his words not mine, and telling her that maybe this isn’t the end, and to think about it as a “dot dot dot.” AN ELLIPSES? DO YOU MEAN AN ELLIPSES? And dumb, dumb, stupid Dr. Tube Socks buys this hook, line and sinker because she is very very VERY dumb, and repeats the “dot dot dot” nonsense, because she UGH SHE IS DRIVING ME STUPID, THIS ONE.
SO, SO DUMB.
And then Bentley the Villain (finally) drives away, and Dr. Tube Socks retreats into her bed of socks to cry and cry and HOW CAN SHE DO THIS? WHAT NOW? SO HEARTBROKEN! KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! SOBBBBBBZZZZZZZ! AND GOOD LORD, GIRL, pull it together! 1. You were warned! Repeatedly! About this specific person! That he was there for the wrong reasons and would leave after a couple of episodes! Which he did! ON CUE! 2. Have those tube socks completely cut off the circulation to your brain? Because, clearly you are very very dumb. SO VERY DUMB. TAKE OFF THE TUBE SOCKS. USE YOUR BRAIN.
(deep cleansing breaths)
Later that night, Dr. Tube Socks sits in a pool of her own tears next to the fire and awaits her date, the very sweet J.P. who comes bearing flowers and complete ignorance of the cave of ambivalence he’s about to enter. The two of them have a totally somber, boring date that involves Dr. Tube Socks just giving up altogether and putting on her sweatpants and glasses. Literally. But J.P. gets a rose in the end, so who’s he to complain?
And then it’s rose ceremony time. Dr. Tube Socks shows up at the Men’s Quarantine Area, wrapped in a sheath of tin foil and barely contained tears, and stares at the men’s Glamour Shots for a long while, which is where Chris Harrison finds her, and encourages her to have a little sit down.
Q. So, what was it about this Bentley the Villain?
A. SHE DOESN’T KNOW, CHRIS HARRISON.
Q. Was it the allure of the forbidden? That she had been warned about him?
A. SHE DOESN’T KNOW, CHRIS HARRISON. ALL SHE KNOWS IS THAT SHE LOOOOOVVVED HIM. AFTER A WEEK.
Q. Remember how you said you were going to leave yourself open to the possibility of love?
A. HE SAID “DOT DOT DOT,” CHRIS HARRISON. “DOT. DOT. DOT.”
Q. Uh, yeah, that sounds a lot like a guy who wants to have it both ways, you do realize? A real man would have fought for you and stayed.
A. HE TOOK MY HEART WITH HIM, CHRIS HARRISON.
Q. Do you even want to have a cocktail party tonight?
A. NOPE. LET’S JUST GET ON WITH THE ROSE CEREMONY, CHRIS HARRISON.
And so the men are herded into the “Rose Room” for the Rose Ceremony, where Dr. Tube Socks blathers on SOME MORE about how insecure she was coming here, worried that they all were wishing they were going to have a shot at St. Emily or Chantal/Shawntel (they clearly were). ANYWAY. Thanks for all the
With Ryan, J.P. and Pepe Le Pew, Esq. all safe, Dr. Tube Socks has 9 roses to pass out:
Rose #1: Constantine, who I still wish would cut his hair. Or at least wash it.
Rose #2: West
Rose #3: Mickey
Rose #4: Ben the Wine Dude
Rose #5: Blake
Rose #6: Nick
Rose #7: Ames, who is wearing a 1940s GI costume, for some reason. Was he in a performance of South Pacific earlier or something?
Rose #8: Lucas
Rose #9: William
WAIT, WHAT? Insulty McInsulterton gets a rose but that one guy whose name I don’t remember doesn’t? What did he do off-camera? Kill her entire family? I MEAN, HOW MUCH DOES IT SUCK TO BE ELIMINATED BEFORE THE GUY WHO TOLD 200 PEOPLE THAT HE’D HAVE RATHER SHE HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE, AND OH, BY THE WAY, SHE’S ALSO GARBAGE?
But, props to Ol’ What’s His Name: he goes out with class, noting that she was lovely and wishing that he’d have had a better chance with her.
Also, The Phantom of the Dummies is eliminated, because, come on. Hilariously, he throws The Mask into a fire before getting into the I’m-Going-To-Die-Alone Van, so points for style.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, AND PROGRAMMING NOTE: I will not be blogging next week’s episode, but will be back on the 20th. I APOLOGIZE. DON’T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY. I HAVE A LIFE TOO, YOU KNOW.
This post originally appeared on Tubular, a blog on the Hearst site Chron.com.