Olympics: Wet, hot American athletes


Adam Pretty : Getty


I’m going to be honest, I know nothing about sports. Nothing. BUT I love the Olympics and let me tell you why. It features three of my absolute favorite things: drama, emotional backstories and hunks. Lots and lots of hunks.

Tonight, the star is Michael Phelps and we were treated to lots of coverage of his quest to become the most decorated Olympic athlete in the history of ever.

After spending hours and hours watching NBC today, I’ve learned a lot about Mr. Phelps. I guess it’s not too impressive considering all I knew about him before is that he had really long arms, swims rilly, rilly fast and has a serious case of butterface. Now countless montages later, I can tell you that he’s got a lot of world records, a DUI arrest and his mom text-messages him “LOL” thinking it means “lots of love.” Thanks, Tom Brokaw!

He took to the pool for the 400m IM along with fellow American hottie-hottie-hotpants Ryan Lochte. Swimming … swimming … Lochte starts to catch-up … swimming … BACK OFF LOCHTE … swimming … swimming … and Phelps wins the gold! And breaks another record! Hooray! They’ve been plugging this all day and just like that, five minutes later, it’s over. Oh well, at least they mic’d Mamma Phelps so you can hear her scream like Lindsay Lohan after a carton of Parliaments. She’s teary, he’s teary, I’m teary, that’s what it’s all about, right?

But that’s not the only story of the day, pop in after the jump to check in on a couple Houstonians.

Another highlight of the day was the men’s gymnastics team, featuring not one, but two Houstonians. Raj Bhavsar’s montage compares his Olympic history to a death in the family since he didn’t make the team before, was an alternate this year, but made the team after someone else had to drop out. Now, I’m not sure how many deaths in the family the person who wrote that has suffered, but in my experience, it doesn’t usually involve a last-minute second chance. That would make for a very awkward funeral.

ANYWAY, he got his groove back by turning to yoga and aligning his chakras and the whatnot. He also rides a skateboard with a parrot on his shoulder. Not sure how that helps his training.

His hottie-hot teammate and fellow Houstonian Jonathan Horton didn’t get a backstory tonight, but you can read up on him here.

Gynmastics are one of those things that’s incredibly fascinating to watch. Obvs, I’m sucker for the ribbon-dancing floor routines, but even the pommel horse and bars are exciting. It’s so impressive and yet, at the same time, they seem kind of silly. I know they’re hard and I really don’t mean any disrespect, but watching swimming? Sure. Watching dudes spin and flip in place? It’s strange, admit it. However, you do get to hear sweet, sweet phrases like “triple back somersault.” C’mon, doesn’t that sound awesome? It’s like the Pamchenko Twist. Love it.

The final character of the evening: U.S.A. relay swimmer Dara Torres. All you need to know about her is she’s old. Very old. And the montages and announcers remind you again and again that is she very, very old. In reality, she’s 41, but I guess Olympic-years are like dog-years, so she’s like 130. Also? Don’t even try to ask her if she uses performance enhancing drugs. Not only did she submit to every test known to man to prove her point, she insisted they save a sample of her blood for any tests that may be invented in the future. SHE IS NOT MESSING AROUND. She swims anchor and takes her team to silver.

Pop in the comments and let me know what you’re favorite backstory has been and if you’ve got an Olympic pin-up in mind.

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