‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Fantasy Suites minus all the fantasying

The Golden Bachelorette
October 30, 2024

HI HI HI. Yes, I know, the finale aired a week ago and I am ~checks notes~ THREE episodes behind. Look. I don’t know what to say. I was already behind and then I had to go abroad and then there’s the whole election thing that kinda left me catatonic for about a week and I just COULD NOT.

But I’m back now! And I promise to do my level best to plow through these remaining episodes and conclude the story of Joan’s journey for love (even though we all already know exactly how it ended). Join me in joining Joan!

This week’s foreshadowing has Joan crying that her hope is down to nothing as she walks despondently down a hallway in a very furry coat. OH NO JOAN WHAT HAS HAPPENED? (I mean, we kinda already can guess what happened based on the previews and that Frenchie is involved.)

We begin the actual episode at LAX, as Joan boards a completely empty Air Tahiti Nui plane where she takes a seat in the completely empty first-class cabin and enjoys a glass of champagne completely alone. She’s off to Tahiti for the last stretch of this “journey”: the so-called Fantasy Suites, and, eventually The Proposal.

And for the Fantasy Suites? Or maybe for the rest of the season? She’ll be on a cruise ship, again, completely alone. It’s giving big pandemic vibes: DOES EVERYONE HAVE THEIR UPDATED VACCINE CARDS?

But then the Producers allow someone into Joan’s bubble: the lovely Nancy from Golden Bachelor, who I cleverly called “Hearing Aid” because she wore a hearing aid. (You can email me for my address, Pulitzers). Nancy and Joan have become good friends since sharing the honor of being dumped by Gerry, and Joan is thrilled to have someone, ANYONE, to talk to on this ghost ship.

Joan tells Nancy about the three remaining men: Dr. Guy who is more into her than she is into him; Frenchie who she is more into than he is into her; and Chock who is “too good to be true.” Joan also admits that she is struggling with her guilt over moving on from Dead Husband, but Nancy, who is also a widow, encourages her to allow herself to fall in love again and says something genuinely beautiful: “Loneliness is not a place to stay, it’s a place to walk through.”

Joan goes on her first date, meeting Dr. Guy at a hotel — so the men aren’t on the ship with her? She and Nancy are just rattling around on this entire cruise ship on their own? Huh. OK — and Dr. Guy is burbling giddily about how he’s falling in love with Joan, and how he never thought he’d feel this way ever again.

As for the date, they take a catamaran out to a location where they snorkel with sting rays and sharks. On the way there, Joan tells him that his love for his kids was hugely important to her, and Dr. Guy insists that his kids and his sisters both loved her. OK, but what about your 37 brothers, Dr. Guy?

They talk about the future and how they are in similar places: becoming grandparents and wanting to have fun with someone, to spend the rest of their lives enjoying life together.

That evening over dinner, they discuss the sting rays and how Joan can vividly see a future with Dr. Guy. Dr. Guy notes that it’s been 10 or 11 days since they last saw each other, but that it felt completely natural to be together again, as if the Dreaded Hometowns were just the day before.

As for what happens next: The Fantasy Suites. Joan tells Dr. Guy that she’s made the decision to not be physically intimate with any of the men this week, but that she would like to spend the night with Dr. Guy being emotionally intimate, off-camera.

For a moment, Dr. Guy looks like he’s swallowed a bug, but he composes himself and is like, “THAT’S THE PERFECT THING FOR YOU TO SAY AND I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT AND IN FACT IF YOU HADN’T SUGGESTED IT I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST IT BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU THAT WOULDN’T BE SPECIAL.”

With that lie in place, the two head to an overwater bungalow to get to know each other a little better.

The next morning, Dr. Guy walks along the beach musing that he feels great and got everything he needed and he definitely did not need to actually have sex with Joan, it’s totally cool, you guys.

While Dr. Guy was not having sex with Joan, Chock Full o’ Soup was having a heart-to-heart with Jesse Palmer where he reveals he’s nervous because he’s fallen in love with Joan, but he doesn’t know how she’s feeling about the other two remaining men. If this doesn’t end in an engagement for Chock Full o’ Soup, it’s going to end in heartbreak.

For their date, Joan and Chock Full o’ Soup drive an ATV around at an alarming speed before settling down for a picnic.

Over some champagne, Chock Full o’ Soup tells Joan that no matter what happens, he’s going to remember this for the rest of his life. O RLY? You’re not going to forget being flown to Tahiti as one of the final three contestants on a nationally televised dating show? You’re not going to let that just slip your mind?

Chock Full o’ Soup goes on to tell her that she’s had a huge impact on his life and has made him the “happiest” guy.

They have their dinner on the cruise ship where Chock Full o’ Soup tells Joan that he’s crazy about her and that he doesn’t want to come across as cocky, but that he has felt like they were a good couple from day one. Joan agrees, and notes that ever since their Disneyland date, she has felt like she’s known him for a year, not just a few weeks.

Chock Full o’ Soup adds that the moment that most stands out to him was at his mother’s memorial service, when he saw that Joan was emotional, because he knew then that she cared about him and his family. ORRRRRrrrrr … Joan is a deeply empathetic person who was plopped down in the middle of a deeply emotional event and responded to it like a normal human with normal feelings. Chock Full o’ Soup tells her that he loves her again, and Joan notes that he’s the first person to say that to her in a very long time.

Joan invites him to the Non-Fantasy Suites with the NO TOUCHING rules, and Chock Full o’ Soup happily agrees, joining Joan in one of the hundreds of empty cabins on the cruise ship.

I will note that unlike with Dr. Guy, Joan and Chock Full o’ Soup appear to immediately start making out once in the cabin. This is clearly also noted by the producers who ask Chock Full o’ Soup the next morning what happened between the two of them. But Chock Full o’ Soup demurs, insisting that his lips are sealed, all the while giving off this energy:

Ahead of his date with Joan, Frenchie is forced to sit down and have a conversation with Jesse Palmer, who asks him about the conversation he had with Joan during hometowns about his struggle to let his walls down. Frenchie is like, “Oui, I mean I tried to tell her that I am still in love with my ex and am full of doubts and am not ready for all this, but she gave me a rose anyway. Je ne sais pas how the hell I am still around.”

As for his date with Joan, when Frenchie meets her, she tells him that today is about “opening up to let love in.” They are greeted by a group of Polynesian dancers and musicians who perform for them, before a host approaches and leads them to a feast of local foods to enjoy.

“Oh!,” says Frenchie, “C’est amusant! This is easy! There’s no pressure, we’re just having a good time and eating bread fruit! I can do this!”

But then the host leads them into the ocean where they are met by some sort of chief who is going to perform a “bonding ceremony” for the pair. The couple pour water over each other’s hands while they express a fear they want to let go of, before breaking open a coconut that they drink from, symbolizing a new beginning.

“Oh non!” says Frenchie, “This is serious business and I am not ready for serious business even though I readily agreed to be on a show about serious business! Mon Dieu!”

For dinner, these two retreat back to the ship, as Frenchie monologues that the ceremony, and I quote, “FREAKED ME OUT.”

So this is going to go well.

As they sit down, Frenchie tells Joan that the date was “interesting,” and that he “wasn’t expecting that,” before adding that he needs to have a serious conversation with her.

Frenchie reminds Joan that he told her during hometowns that he recently ended a relationship with someone he loved. He then adds that his daughter signed him up for this nonsense, and frankly, he never thought he would get this far.

Frenchie then admits that the bonding ceremony FREAKED HIS SHIT OUT, and while he doesn’t want to hurt her, he knows he can’t get to a place that she wants him to be in all of this. And then, unnecessarily, Frenchie points out that they have both been in love before, they know how it feels, and he’s not feeling it. There’s no spark. There’s no je ne sais quois.

“OH. COOL. OK,” says Joan before she walks him out to the dinghy to send his French ass back to his hotel.

Joan then mopes back to her cabin, noting that the thing he said about knowing what love feels like and that he doesn’t feel that for her makes her feel unlovable. She adds that she feels like a “failure” and that her “hope is down to nothing.”

OK, BUT THERE ARE STILL TWO GRANDPAS WHO ARE BEGGING YOU TO PICK JOAN, SO I THINK YOU’LL BE FINE, GRANDMOMMA. 

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette streams on Hulu.