‘The Bachelor’: Sowing the seeds of doubt

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
March 11, 2024

Your Moment of Foreshadowing: As seen in “security camera footage,” Joey returns to his hotel room to find a note tucked into the door. After looking at the note, Joey worries that his “worst nightmare is coming true” and sits in his room, sniffling, head in hands.

But before we get to that: Pack your bathing suits, preferred contraceptives and antibiotics, and leave your jealousy issues at home — it’s time for the Fantasy Suites portion of this experiment.

This season we’re headed to Tulum, Mexico, which is … a choice. Look. Tulum is beautiful, I’m just saying that cartel violence has increased in the area — which usually makes an effort to avoid American tourists … except for when they didn’t last month. My point is, go to Tulum! It’s a tropical paradise. JUST BE CAREFUL.

So, anyway, they’re in Tulum, and Joey is feeling really confident about the three remaining women: Lei Me, Voodoo Doll, and Christmas Tree. That said, Joey reminds us that he’s been here before: he was ready to be engaged to Charity, only to have his heart broken when she chose someone much, much taller than him. He doesn’t want to be rejected again, and he has a lot to think about.

We then hear from each of the women, although they say the same damn thing: it’s such a “huge week,” it was great to see him with their families, Joey is so amazing, in the end they hope to be engaged to this guy.

OH WAIT, THAT’S WHAT EVERY CONTESTANT SAYS ON EVERY SINGLE SEASON AT THIS STAGE OF THE SHOW.

Lei Me has the first Fantasy Suites Date, but before she meets with Joey she meets with Susan (also known as “Twice Photocopied Kris Jenner”) from The Golden Bachelor to chat. It’s clear that the Producers recognize they have a golden goose with these Golden Bachelor women and they are gonna have them lay as many goddamned golden eggs as they can.

Anyway, Susan is her usual delightful self, assuring Lei Me that she is in her corner. Susan gets Lei Me to admit that she’s falling in love with Joey and can see a future with him. Lei Me also opens up about being cheated on twice and how this has left her with insecurities, which is why it’s difficult to be in this position now with two other women up in the mix doing with Joey what we know happens in this particular part of said mix.

Susan reminds Lei Me that her past is the past, and encourages her to not let her fear get in her way. She adds that the thing she learned from her time on The Golden Bachelor is that you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

AMEN, MAMA RU.

Susan gives Lei Me a big hug — and I just bet Susan gives the best hugs — and tells Lei Me to not let anyone destroy her self-esteem. She then encourages Lei Me to be vulnerable and tell this man that she is in love with him, all of which Lei Me seems to take in.

So Susan is going to talk to all of these women before their dates, right?

As for Lei Me and Joey’s date, they head to a cenote to take a “leap of faith” in a date that we have seen countless times either here or on Bachelor in Paradise or both, I don’t know, it all blends together.

And the first two jumps from the bottom two levels of the platform, they go fine. They go fine!

But the jump from the third level … something happens, and when Lei Me comes up to the surface, she tells Joey that she’s “hit her face.” And I’m not saying that Joey accidentally kicked her in the jaw on the way down, I’m just saying they entered the water awfully close together and things … well, things happen.

Upon climbing out of the cenote, Lei Me is no longer even able to open her mouth or talk, so the show heads to the hospital for some x-rays while the ABC lawyers scream into their phones, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT THESE ‘LEAP OF FAITH’ CHALLENGES? ENOUGH.”

The good news is that she didn’t break her jaw and she’s fine; the bad news is they wasted valuable date time going to Tulum’s urgent care to Lei Me’s profound embarrassment.

But still, they have the entire night together. They have dinner at the resort, where Lei Me assures Joey that her face feels fine but that she feels terrible for ruining the date by putting her jaw in the way of his foot. Joey insists that it was a freak accident and to not worry about it.

Lei Me then notes that she hasn’t opened up enough with him and that she knows she has a lot of catching up to do to be in the same place as the remaining two women. And after a lot of blah blah blah, Joey’s like “I know our date was cut short because of your stupid glass jaw, but we have all night together, if you’d like …” while pulling out a Fantasy Suite Date card supposedly from Jesse Palmer, whom we have seen neither hide nor hair of, presumably because he’s at home with his very pregnant wife (at the time) who I am sure did not think it was cute that her husband was going to a Mexican resort town for a week to do essentially NOTHING while she was stressing about Braxton Hicks.

Obviously, Lei Me accepts the Fantasy Suite offer and they spend the night together.

The next morning, the cameras shove their way into their suite where Joey and Lei Me talk about how “good” the night before was, and how vulnerable she was with him. Joey shrugs that he’s “falling” for Lei Me, but I’m not sure anyone, including Joey himself, is convinced.

Next up: Voodoo Doll. She, too, is visited by a Golden Bachelor veteran, but unfortunately, it is not Susan. Instead, she has a sitdown with Leslie (also known as “Prince Groupie”), also known as Gerry the Golden Bachelor’s heartbroken runner-up.

Voodoo Doll tells Leslie that her connection with Joey has grown so much and things feel so right with him and her hometown went swimmingly and her dad even liked him and Joey has been reassuring her that they have something special.

Leslie connects with Voodoo Doll by telling her that she, too, lost her mother when she was young, 24 years old. Leslie says that losing her mother that young impacted her love life, and that while she always felt her mother’s presence with her, she didn’t always listen to her advice.

Voodoo Doll is all, “I GET IT BECAUSE BUTTERFLIES!” and Leslie assures her that her mother would be proud of her.

BUT THEN.

When Voodoo Doll tells Leslie that she is in love with Joey, Leslie first encourages her to be present and in the moment during the Fantasy Suite Date, to not get into her own head. Which is solid advice!

Leslie then adds that she went into the final day confident that she was going to be the one Gerry chose based on things he said and promised during the overnight date only to be COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED when he didn’t choose her. She adds that she wishes she hadn’t been so confident, and advises Voodoo Doll to always have something in the back of her head telling her that it’s possible she won’t be the one.

MA’AM.

MADAM.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP IN HERE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT?

You do not get to tell this poor, insecure mess of a girl-woman to be “present” and not let things get into her head during her Fantasy Suite Date BUT AT THE SAME TIME, brace for impact when she doesn’t get chosen. DO YOU SEE HOW THOSE THINGS ARE INCOMPATIBLE?

Also:

So this poor child, she now goes into the Fantasy Suite Date with Joey fully convinced that he’s going to lead her on, make her feel like she’s his final choice, and then in a week, dump her ass on the Proposal Platform in front of God and the American Broadcasting Company.

She and Joey have a yacht date and they have fun and they swim with sea turtles and stingrays …

And most importantly, no one goes to the hospital.

That night at dinner, Voodoo Doll does tell him about the conversation she had with Leslie, and Joey is like, “I get it, but you have to stay hopeful.” Voodoo Doll doesn’t yell in his face, “THAT’S SOMETHING GERRY, THE GOLDEN BACHELOR, WOULD SAY,” as I would have before throwing my drink in his face and rage stomping back to the Cancun Airport. But that’s why one of many reasons why I have not been on this show.

Voodoo Doll then confesses to him that she told her father that she was in love with Joey — which also happens to be the first time she has told Joey this. In return, Joey tells her that he has no doubts that he is falling in love with her, too. He’s felt it for a while now, and is excited to not feel like he has to hold anything back anymore.

Oh, Lei Me. Baby girl, it’s over.

The two of them happily accept the Fantasy Suite Date card challenge and run away from the camera crew.

The next morning, they make breakfast together and talk about how natural this all feels. Voodoo Doll says that Joey is the “man of [her] dreams” and that she is “so happy” with him.

But … then again … what Leslie said …

Finally, it’s Christmas Tree’s turn, and her visit is with the fabulous Sandra who has her own ways of dealing with intrusive thoughts.

Sandra asks Christmas Tree about her feelings for Joey, and Christmas Tree admits that she told Joey that she is falling in love with him. However, she admits, she’s getting into her head, worrying about the fact that there are two other women still in this thing with her.

Sandra instructs her to not worry about the other women: Christmas Tree isn’t in competition with the other two women; this is about her relationship with Joey. Sandra also encourages Christmas Tree to express her feelings more openly to Joey and to not be afraid to make it sexual because men like that.

Ms. Sandra’s not wrong, y’all.

Christmas Tree becomes emotional taking all of this in, and Sandra, feeling maternal towards her, gives her a big hug before going to find a pool cabana and a margarita.

As for their date, Joey and Christmas Tree ride an ATV around in the mud and take an outdoor shower together. Not my idea of a fun date but, again, no one goes to the hospital, so I guess we have to count it as a success.

That evening, Christmas Tree tells Joey that their date was one of her “favorite days of all time ever …”

… before admitting to him that just that morning she was crying to Sandra about everything, and overthinking this whole situation, what with the other women being here and etc .etc. etc. Christmas Tree starts talking about having been “shut down” and “judged” in the past and how difficult it is for her to completely open up.

Joey tells her that it took him a long time to understand that all feelings are valid and that it is important to talk through them. He goes on to tell Christmas Tree that he had to question himself and whether he was a good boyfriend and person after he wasn’t able to make a woman he once dated feel as special as she needed.

And this is the first we’ve heard of this and he talks in very broad generalities here so it’s hard to know what the hell he’s going on about, but basically, I think what he’s saying is that he was a bad boyfriend once and it made him realize that he had deep-seated fears of people loving the “idea” of Joey and not the “real” Joey. The point is, it’s scary to love someone and not be chosen by them, but you gotta try. Or something.

Joey then acknowledges that Christmas Tree told him that she was falling in love with him during the Dreaded Hometown, before telling her that he is falling in love with her, too.

Oh Lei Me, I hope you are packing your bags right now, honey.

With that, the couple heads to the Fantasy Suite to do some fantasy suiting.

The next morning, they toast to taking steps forward and not looking back.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Leslie’s words have been bouncing around in Voodoo Doll’s head and she is FREAKING OUT. She tries to go by his room to see him, but he’s not there, so she returns with a note that simply reads: “Joey: we need to talk. Voodoo Doll.”

And “we need to talk” is just vague and open-ended enough that when Joey does finally return to his room and discovers the note, he himself proceeds to FREAK OUT.

But to make the rest of Bachelor Nation FREAK OUT alongside these two, the show chooses to end the episode there:

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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