‘The Bachelor’: Sausage Fest

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
February 12, 2024

The first of TWO episodes this week (WHY? WHY, ABC?) begins with another foreshadowing: Margaret McPoyle and Toddlers and Tiaras, alone on a boat. Which can only mean one thing: these ladies have managed to bicker their way into a 2-on-1 date.

But that’s for later. First, we have a McMansion to move out of. Jesse Palmer shows up at the McMansion to inform the women that it’s time to move on to the International Travel portion of this show, and they are headed first to … MALTA!

Malta, for those of you who were wondering but too embarrassed to ask, is a small European island country, about 80 kilometers south of Sicily. It is the tenth-smallest country by area, but the fifth-most densely populated. The official languages are English and Maltese, which is the only Semitic language in the European Union. It has a very long history and there used to be dwarf elephants and hippos who lived on the island, until our Stone Age cousins killed them all. And honestly, I think that’s all you really need to know about Malta: dwarf elephants.

Joey arrives in Malta first and gives us a quick overview and tour before reluctantly delivering the scripted line, “By the end of this, I’m hoping to bring someone to the alta, but before that, we have to hang out in Malta.”

He boos it. As he should.

Even the producers apologize, that’s how bad it was:

The women arrive in Malta and reveal that the dwarf hippo Maltese dog originated here, which seems pretty amazing to them even though it’s right there in the name. Once they settle into their hotel suite, the first date card is delivered: “Sporty Spice: Let’s explore Malta together.”

This means she receives the perfectly normal, but boring-for-broadcast, “explore the city” date (which, if I were a contestant, is the only date that I would want on this nightmare show — save the bungee jumping and the sauna sitting and the spa having and just let me go explore some foreign city, and he’s welcome to come along if he’d like). They look at buildings and they talk to vendors who ask nosy questions about their relationship that no one would ever ask perfect strangers if they hadn’t been encouraged to by the producers and they dance to street music and they play bocce with the locals and we’ve seen this date a thousand times.

They also visit St. Paul’s Shipwreck Church where Sporty Spice becomes emotional, thinking about her grandfather. They eventually are joined by a priest who asks them if they have any questions for him, and Sporty Spice asks what is the key to a happy marriage. The priest suggests the secret is to “be happy” because life is short, before urging them to have kids.

First of all, “be happy” is some really worthless advice, Padre, but second of all, MAYBE DON’T PLACE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE ON THE SHOULDERS OF SOME IMAGINARY CHILDREN. I mean, look, I’m Catholic-adjacent, I get it, priests gonna priest. But this is so gross for so many reasons.

NAMELY, BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING. See, as we learned before the season began and as Joey is about to learn over dinner, Sporty Spice suffers from stage five endometriosis — a diagnosis that took a year and a half for the doctors to arrive at — and she is likely to struggle to have children. As she explains to a sympathetic Joey, the condition cost her a relationship with a man who wasn’t willing to risk being with someone who possibly wouldn’t be able to have his children, so fuck that guy.

But also, fuck a medical system that takes 18 months to diagnose a woman with stage five endometriosis, and leaves a woman in that much pain and suffering. We need to do better. BUT ALSO, thanks to Sporty Spice for sharing such a personal story about a fairly common condition that we don’t discuss nearly enough.

Joey responds to Sporty Spice’s story beautifully, thanking her for sharing this with him and trusting him with something so intimate, and he expresses his sympathy that she had to deal with a weak-ass man who couldn’t stand up for her lost a relationship over it. Joey promises her that this revelation doesn’t scare him and reassures her that there are other ways to start a family. He offers her the rose, because uh duh.

The real drama is happening back at the hotel where Toddlers and Tiaras is telling anyone who will listen that it is outrageous that Joey kept Margaret McPoyle, and that somehow — witchcraft? — Margaret McPoyle is affecting Toddlers and Tiaras’ health, leaving her exhausted and lethargic.

Ma’am. Margaret McPoyle is doing no such thing.

Toddlers and Tiaras vows to make it clear to Joey that Margaret McPoyle is the problem and needs to go.

And then a date card arrives: “Go-Kart Girl; Christmas Tree; Force Feeding; Ms. Science; Younger Sister; Lei Me; Fall; Lizard Hands; Starla; Lots of Balls; Frodo; Voodoo Doll: True love is worth fighting for.”

The women then do some quick math and realize with a degree of schadenfreude that this means Margaret McPoyle and Toddlers and Tiaras will be going on the dreaded two-on-one date: two women go on the date, one flies back to the States.

The other women make some bland supportive comments, telling the women to look at the two-on-one date as an opportunity to spend more time with Joey and show him who they really are, but Margaret McPoyle is like, “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say because your character isn’t being attacked by a lunatic.”

In response, Toddlers and Tiaras claims that Margaret McPoyle IS being abusive to her and that she’s being put through the wringer and it’s not fair, she doesn’t deserve any of this, she’s totally emotionally drained, and it’s too much for one person to handle.

As for the group date: the women are brought to Fort Manoel (where, Joey helpfully spoils, is where Ned Stark’s head is removed from his body on Game of Thrones. Oh whoops, did I just re-spoil that? WELL TOO BAD, IT HAPPENED 13 YEARS AGO). There they are met by some people swordfighting. The women are informed that they are going to be “trained” to become “knights,” and are sent off to put on silly costumes.

But their goofy gladiator costumes are more than what poor Joey is given to wear: some sort of kilt and a cowl and nothing else.

Now, far be it for me to take away anyone’s fun, but I would only point out that while Fort Manoel is definitely old, it was only built in the 18th century, not by Roman legionnaires. I’m just not sure — aside from the obvious — why the producers are making Joey dress like he’s about to go to battle with Russell Crowe and a bunch of lions in Gladiator.

BUT LET THE KIDS HAVE THEIR FUN, THERESE, AND KEEP IT MOVING.

As for how these women will train to become knights — after playing with swords for a bit, they are given three tasks:

1. The women are challenged one by one to stare into Joey’s eyes. A number of them are unable to control themselves around his exposed nipples and start making out with him.

2. The women play something called “Sash Grab” which is like one-on-one flag football, minus the football and minus the field.

3. And most horrifyingly: the “Sausage Wheel.” The women are made to stand around a pole with a wheel on top, to which several sausages and chunks of cheese are tied. As the wheel is spun around, the women are tasked with trying to catch a sausage in their mouths without using their hands.

To Joey’s eternal credit, when he is instructed to stand over to the side to observe, he refuses, insisting that he’s not going to make the women do this without him. It’s not as good as the entire cast mutinying against the producers for making them do something so degrading, but it’s better than him standing by and laughing at their humiliation.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T THINK ANY OF THESE ACTIVITIES ARE A PART OF OFFICIAL KNIGHT TRAINING.

In any event, Fall wins the challenge and she and Joey get to make out with sausage breath while looking out over the Mediterranean.

That evening at the cocktail party, Starla burbles about how we’re getting down to Serious Business now: Joey clearly is making real connections with some of the women and it might be Time to Start Panicking and Acting Like a Real Asshole.

As for Joey, he chats with Christmas Tree about their potential children and what their names would be (which … had to be a real gut punch for Sporty Spice watching this back in real-time, right? She just poured her heart out about not being able to have kids, and he’s out here laughing about little Coco and Ocean?)

He also visits with Lizard Hands — and let’s stop here to address something real quick. I called this poor woman Lizard Hands for the past three episodes because in her bio she mentioned that she likes it when wild lizards climb into her hands, which in my defense, is a weird thing to say. Additionally, she really hasn’t been granted much screentime for me to determine a new nickname for her. Last week, however, I learned that Lizard Hands here WAS “MISS UNIVERSE JAMAICA BARBIE” IN THE BARBIE MOVIE. Y’ALL, WE HAVE A REAL BARBIE ON THE SHOW. So, obviously, she will no longer be Lizard Hands, but instead “Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie,” which, admittedly, is a lot to type out.

Anyway, Joey has a nice conversation with Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie, and all the other ladies before giving the group date rose to Voodoo Doll Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie. 

At the hotel, Toddlers and Tiaras and Margaret McPoyle receive the dreaded two-on-one date card: “Toddlers and Tiaras and Margaret McPoyle: Meet me on the water. Love, Joey.”

After bringing their packed suitcases down to the shared space, Toddlers and Tiaras and Margaret McPoyle are brought out to a boat where they are ferried to Joey who arrives on his own smaller boat, and then the three of them get onto an even smaller boat. It is an inefficient number of boats, frankly.

In this smallest boat, the three explore the Blue Grotto, which Margret McPoyle praises as beautiful, while Toddlers and Tiaras whines about her claustrophobia. Margaret McPoyle compares Toddlers and Tiaras to an energy vampire, and DAMMIT, I wish she had said this earlier in the season so that I could have called Toddlers and Tiaras “Colin” this whole time.

They eventually dock so that Joey can talk to each of the women individually. First up:  Toddlers and Tiaras, who is still yammering in interviews about the physical toll Margaret McPoyle simply existing is taking on her.

Alone with Joey, Toddlers and Tiaras tells him that it’s been a very tough week for her because Margaret McPoyle is making everyone feel very uncomfortable. In fact, after the pool party, Margaret McPoyle attacked Toddlers and Tiaras again, and told Frodo to “shut the fuck up.” Many people heard it, Toddlers and Tiaras insists, except for the producers, of course, because if they had, THEY WOULD HAVE SHOWN IT. ON A LOOP.

Joey has a concerned.

And Joey takes these concerns to Margaret McPoyle, and asks her for her perspective. Margaret McPoyle is like, “Whatever happened between me and Toddlers and Tiaras, I tried to leave it behind in Los Angeles, but here we are once again for some reason.” Joey then reveals that Toddlers and Tiaras claims that Margaret McPoyle told Frodo to “shut the fuck up” and Margaret McPoyle is, again, flabbergasted, and assures him that this is just a straight-up lie.

Joey then leaves the women alone together while he goes and tries to figure out the difference between Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg and Gypsy Rose Blanchard has a think about all of this. While alone with Toddlers and Tiaras, Margaret McPoyle is like, “So I told Frodo to ‘shut the fuck up’? You do know we’re on camera the entire time, right?”

Margaret McPoyle demands to know why Toddlers and Tiaras is doing this to her, attacking her this way, but Toddlers and Tiaras counters that Margert McPoyle’s the one attacking her and all the other women in the house.

This woman is so delusional, it’s amazing.

That evening, Joey meets the two for “dinner” and concedes that there’s no way to discern the truth, he’s just going to have to make a decision based on the connection he has with each of these women.

To that end, he begins with Toddlers and Tiaras, asking her if she thinks there is a future for them as a couple. She insists there is before whining again about somehow being victimized by Margaret McPoyle and vowing to “show up and fight” for him.

When Joey asks Margret McPoyle the same question, she says that when she first arrived, she definitely did see a future for them. But after all the craziness that has happened, she has some unanswered questions, and she hopes that they can find some clarity together.

Joey’s like, “GOOD ENOUGH,” and offers Margaret McPoyle the date rose, exiling Toddlers and Tiaras back to Rhode Island and TikTok to make videos about gaslighting.

After walking Toddlers and Tiaras out to the Vann Mur Id-Dar Issa, Joey returns to give Margaret McPoyle the date rose, at which point a singer begins belting out “Ave Maria” which is absolutely hilarious and brutal.

The next day the ladies are brought to a castle for the Rose Ceremony and Cocktail Party Margaret McPoyle declares that she’s received her rose so she’s going to get out of everyone else’s way and allow them to have their time with Joey. She is going to “try to be quiet, stay in my lane and not ruffle any feathers.”

Unfortunately for Margaret McPoyle, her mere existence ruffles feathers, and feathers that night will. be. ruffled.

Joey arrives and immediately addresses the lack of Toddlers or Tiaras in the room, explaining that it was a difficult decision but that ultimately, it’s all about the connections he is making.

Joey visits with Go-Kart Girl, where she makes fun of his feet, leaving him self-conscious. NO ONE IS PERFECT, SIR.

Lots of Balls gives Joey a knight figure as a souvenir from their sausage date and reminds him that the capital of Malta is Mdina — which is very similar to her actual name, Madina. She adds that Mdina is a city surrounded by walls, and explains that she’s had a difficult time being vulnerable with him because like the city, she’s had her walls up. She blames it on her parents’ divorce, and then he makes her do a trust fall for him.

When Lots of Balls returns inside, she chats with Margaret McPoyle, telling her that she’s happy she survived the two-on-one date, which absolutely INFURIATES Frodo.

Frodo demands to talk to Lots of Balls outside where she explains that she’s just VERY CONFUSED how Lots of Balls can call Toddlers and Tiaras her friend and be nice to Margaret McPoyle. Lots of Balls, who is an adult, is like, “I don’t have to be mean to Margaret McPoyle to be friends with Toddlers and Tiaras, are you five?” Frodo insists that she is just trying to understand what Lots of Balls is doing, and Lots of Balls is like, “You don’t need to worry about how I’m navigating this situation. It’s none of your business. In fact, it’s hurtful that you would come at me this way.”

Frodo then has the audacity to tell Lots of Balls that she holds herself and her friends to a really “high standard of morality and values,” before telling the producers that Lots of Balls’ “perspectives are completely different than, you know, how [she] would perspectivize in this situation.”

~sighs in English major~

First of all, madam, “perspectivize” is not a word. I don’t even know what you are attempting to say here, friend. But second of all, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN MAD ABOUT? THAT LOTS OF BALLS ISN’T BEING A MEAN GIRL?

Margaret McPoyle checks in on Lots of Balls to find out what the hell is going on and Lots of Balls is like, “Yeah, everyone is mad at me for being nice to you.”

Now, to be clear, it’s not “everyone,” but because she said “everyone,” Margaret McPoyle begins spinning out, wondering why everyone hates her. Margaret McPoyle becomes emotional, and Sport Spice escorts her outside where Margaret McPoyle has a full-on meltdown, sobbing that she can’t do this anymore and that she’s done.

Meanwhile, Frodo calls Margaret McPoyle a “drama queen crybaby” before taking Joey aside to tell him that she’s shocked that he sent Toddlers and Tiaras home after the way that Margaret McPoyle has treated some of them. She insists that she trusts his intuition before sighing that “it is what it is.”

And that’s where we have to leave it until the next episode, dammit all to hell.

I’ll see you there soon.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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