‘The Bachelor’: Kentucky Fried Drama

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
February 5, 2024

More foreshadowing and this time Joey is PISSED with a small clutch of women at what appears to be a cocktail party following a group date. Joey has been hearing things … namely the word “BULLY” … and he is FREAKED. OUT.

In terms of cold opens, it’s no cake-throwing. 3/10.

We begin the actual episode with Jesse Palmer arriving at the McMansion to outline the week: two group dates, one one-on-one date.

Group Date #1: “Force Feeding; Voodoo Doll; Sporty Spice; Younger Sister; Lots of Balls; Year of Yes; Frodo; Someone Named Sydney; Margaret McPoyle: I’m looking for my Mrs. Right. Love, Joey.”

The women are driven to some Simi Valley theater where they are greeted by Joey and four Golden Bachelorettes: April; Susan; Kathy; and Nancy — the “ASK’N” ladies.

WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

And ASK’N breaks the news: the women will be participating in a “Mrs. Right Pageant” in front of a live audience. They have one hour to prepare three categories: Lazy Sunday Fit Wear; Q&A; and a Talent Show. Frodo, for one, has never done a pageant before and isn’t sure about any of this …

But Someone Named Sydney explains that she’s GOT THIS having once participated in Miss Massachusetts Teen USA when she was 16. Did she win Miss Massachusetts Teen USA? Lol, no. But Someone Named Sydney Toddlers and Tiaras over here, she’s convinced she’s got this.

As for the pageant itself, the ladies all emerge in gray bathrobes, before revealing their cute sweats/pajamas/whathaveyou.

Next is the Q&A: Margaret McPoyle is asked what she would do if Joey was unable to *AHEM* perform, which Joey takes exception to, but Margaret McPoyle handles it gently, noting that their connection is what is important first and foremost, but that they could “add some things” if they had to. Viagara? Sex toys? More partners? Unclear.

Toddlers and Tiaras is asked if she’s “ever faked it,” and she’s like:

Voodoo Doll is asked what would happen if she and Joey were trapped in an elevator, and she coyly suggests that they would “make some new memories.”

And then Sporty Spice is lobbed a softball: “What is Joey’s most attractive quality?” She murmurs something about how obviously good-looking he is, but how his best quality is how sincere he is and how he remembers the little things and makes people feel special.

So … the producers want her to win this, I see.

Finally, we get to the talent portion of the evening … the “talent” portion of the evening.

Force Feeding sings a cappella a song she wrote for Joey; Lots of Balls does some yoga; Younger Sister poorly dribbles a basketball; Year of Yes poorly plays a trumpet; and Margaret McPoyle does some rather impressive backflips.

Toddlers and Tiaras the entire time because she’s GOT THIS, Y’ALL:

But when it’s Toddlers and Tiaras’ turn to perform her talent … her dumbass bowhead does what can only be described as a first-grader’s cheerleading routine:

“L-O-V-E! JOEY IS THE ONE FOR ME!” x3

“R-I-G-H-T! MRS. RIGHT, THAT’S ME!” x3

Force Feeding, bless her heart, bursts out laughing and declares it “hilarious.” Yes. Yes, it was, ma’am.

But because this whole thing has been rigged in her favor, Sporty Spice comes out and declares that her “talent” is that she’s the “world’s best kisser” and she would like to demonstrate her skillz on Joey.

They make out in front of everyone; she’s declared the winner.

But just because she was crowned “Mrs. Right” doesn’t mean Sporty Spice has earned the date rose. For that bit of business, they head to a cocktail party where Joey assures the women he was impressed by their special talents, and that he learned so much about each of them. (But did you, Joey? Did you really?)

Joey chats with Mrs. Right first and tells her that part of the reason she won the pageant was that he could see that she was far outside of her comfort zone, but that she went for it.

As for Voodoo Doll, she tells Joey something very similar: that she doesn’t like to be the center of attention and that while she tried her best, she was definitely out of her comfort zone. Joey tells her that he was “blown away” by her and that there’s something between them.

And then there’s Margaret McPoyle: when she chats with Joey she’s like, “I gotta be honest: kissing isn’t a talent and it’s kinda bullshit that you rewarded Sporty Spice’s little stunt.”

Joey takes umbrage, insisting that his decision wasn’t based solely on the talent portion of the pageant (and he’s not lying, because it was clearly based on the softball question Sporty Spice was given). Margaret McPoyle also claims that she “felt so out of [her] element,” and Joey is surprised that someone as confident as she is would be uncomfortable on a stage (because she wasn’t, not really). Margaret McPoyle then goes on to claim that really, she’s an introvert.

Ma’am.

When Lots of Balls has her time with him, she uses it to tell him that she had been feeling insecure because of her age and that some women said that she wasn’t even that old.

And then the woman who said she wasn’t that old asked Lots of Balls who told her she said that, and it felt like she was being bullied.

YEAH. THAT’S NOT BULLYING. PEOPLE ASKING YOU QUESTIONS THAT MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE IS NOT BULLYING. BEING TOLD THAT YOU’RE NOT OLD AND THAT YOU’RE GORGEOUS: ALSO NOT BULLYING.

Joey asks Lots of Balls to name names, but she declines, so I guess points for that.

Joey rejoins the women and the cold open scene happens: He heard that someone’s being a bully in the house, and THAT’S NOT COOL and DON’T BULLY. And anyway, here’s the date rose, Voodoo Doll, bye.

After he leaves, the women are like “What the fuck was that?” and Lots of Balls admits that she’s the one who told him she felt bullied. When Margaret McPoyle asks if she felt bullied by her, Lots of Balls insists that she didn’t give up her name, but yeah, she felt bullied by her. And then Toddlers and Tiaras over here is like, “ME TOO. I felt bullied as well.”

But Margaret McPoyle is like, “No ma’am, you’re the one who started this, I don’t want to hear from you unless you can give me one example of me bullying you.” Toddlers and Tiaras claims that she heard Margaret McPoyle “talking shit about [her] friends” and that she’s “talking all the time.” Again, even if that were true, which it is not, that is not bullying. Do these women know what bullying is? Can we organize a group date in which someone teaches them what bullying actually is, please?

Margaret McPoyle addresses Lots of Balls, telling her that she thought this issue was in the past, but that she is more than happy to talk it out with her alone. As for Toddlers and Tiaras — or “Missy Troublemaker” as she calls her — she needs to cut it out. Toddlers and Tiaras calls Margaret McPoyle “catty,” insists that she is proud of her own character and how she handled herself in every situation, and then declares that she’s no longer putting any more energy into this. Toddlers and Tiaras then gets up and invites the other women to join her. It’s unclear if any do.

The next morning, this bullying issue is front and center, and Force Feeding, she has Margaret McPoyle’s back, accusing Toddlers and Tiaras of blowing this whole mess out of proportion.

As for Margaret McPoyle, she makes a point to talk to Lots of Balls, insisting that she’s not a bully, and that Toddlers and Tiara is the real instigator here. Lots of Balls isn’t quite ready to blame Toddlers and Tiaras, but she does tell Margaret McPoyle that they’re “good.” So non-beef squashed, at least between them.

As for the one-on-one date, Go-Kart Girl received the card: “Love is a wild ride. –Joey.” That morning he picks her up and takes her for a day of surfing, despite the fact that she is terrified of sharks and the ocean in general.

COOL DATE, PRODUCERS! ACED IT AGAIN!

Anyway, they surf; it’s boring.

That night, they have dinner at — and I couldn’t make this up if I tried — Hollywood Forever Cemetery. You know, where Judy Garland and Valerie Bertinelli Harper are buried, that Hollywood Forever Cemetery. And maybe the weirdest part is that they just … don’t even acknowledge it? They just act like having dinner in a mausoleum is perfectly normal and unremarkable and something that people do all the time.

People do not have dinner in cemeteries all the time.

Over dinner, Go-Kart Girl tells Joey about her parents’ rocky relationship, and how they stayed together and lived in the same house even though they were separated. Go-Kart adds that she felt unwanted by her father and that by the end of their time living in the same house together, their relationship had deteriorated so much that he’s no longer a part of her life.

Joey listens sympathetically before taking her outside — IN THE CEMETERY — where there’s a Bachelor-themed drone show augmented with even more Michael Bolton music — because they spent GOOD MONEY on those Michael Bolton rights, dammit, they are going to get their money’s worth — and he offers her the date rose.

(What I will say is that I suspect Hollywood Cemetery was one of the few open spaces in Los Angeles where they could do the drone show that also had someplace where they could have dinner, but it’s still SUPER WEIRD AND SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED THE WEIRDNESS AT SOME POINT.)

Back at the house, the final group date card arrives: “Ms. Science; Fall; Lei Me; Christmas Tree; Umpire’s Chair; Lizard Hands; Butterflies; Starla: I’m done playing singles. Love, Joey.”

Our brainiacs realize that this is going to be the tennis date — because obviously there was going to be a tennis date — and they’re not wrong. The women are brought to a tennis court where Joey and two professional tennis players I’ve never heard of (James Blake and Pam Shriver) greet them and give them a quick lesson on how to play.

Once they’ve warmed up, the women are sent to the dressing rooms to put on their uniforms for a doubles tournament: the first ever Bachelor Open.

As for those uniforms and teams:

Christmas Tree and Fall are the “Cry Babies”:

Butterflies and Lei Me are “Hot Dog and Bun”:

Starla and Ms. Sciene are “The Beehive”:

And finally, Umpire’s Chair and Lizard Hands are “Lobster and Butter”:


I could give you a blow-by-blow of the tournament, but come on. In the end, Lobster and Butter win the whole thing.

That night at dinner, Ms. Science tells Joey that she comes from a long line of intelligent, independent single women (why she’d want to break that streak who even knows).

Lei Me manages to get her earring caught in his sweater and has to have a P.A. come untangle her. Once she’s released, she tells Joey that he reminds her of her father who is a man of few words who appreciates and values women.

Christmas Tree invites him to ask her any questions he might have about her cochlear implant, and invites him to touch it. She explains that it’s a part of her, the thing that makes her different. But he corrects her: it’s what makes her special.

But at the end of the night, he gives my nerdy girlfriend, Ms. Science, the date rose. You gotta appreciate a man who can appreciate an intelligent woman.

At the house the next morning, Jesse Palmer arrives with some surprising and absolutely hilarious news: instead of a cocktail party ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Joey is joining them for a pool party …

WAIT FOR IT

… sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

AND THEN THEY MAKE THESE WOMEN WHO HAVE NOT EATEN FRIED FOOD SINCE THEY WERE 9 PRETEND THAT THEY JUST LOOOOOOVE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

And here’s how I know these women have never eaten a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken in their lives:

THAT IS NOT A “TUB,” MA’AM. THAT IS A BUCKET.

Meanwhile, Joey drives up to the house, looking thrilled to be walking into a backyard full of bickering women and drippy cole slaw:

But he endures, taking hula lessons from Lei Me, and chatting with Lizard Hands and Voodoo Doll about the good times he had with them earlier this week.

Meanwhile, Toddlers and Tiaras is out here telling the other women that she just knows Margaret McPoyle is going to try to manipulate Joey, that Margaret’s creating all the drama, and that she, Toddlers and Tiaras, can’t allow a mean girl to be mean.

Toddlers and Tiaras sits Joey down to tell him that after he left the group date, Lots of Balls revealed that she was the one who brought up the bullying allegations, and claims that Margaret McPoyle began attacking her. When Toddlers and Tiaras valiantly — but calmly — told Margaret McPoyle that Lots of Balls just feels like she’s insensitive to her feelings, Margaret McPoyle turned her bullying to her, calling Toddlers and Tiaras “embarrassing, weird, and dumb.”

First of all, if Margaret McPoyle had said that — which she did not — where is the lie?

But second, we all know this is some weird fantasy that Toddlers and Tiaras is conjuring, but what I don’t understand is how she thinks she’s going to get away with it. MADAM. YOU ARE BEING FILMED. THIS IS ALL BEING DOCUMENTED. WE CAN SEE YOU.

But Joey hasn’t seen any of this yet, and he isn’t sure what to believe about Margaret McPoyle. To that end, he takes Margaret McPoyle aside to hear her side of the story. He explains that he’s been told that she specifically has been verbally abusive, creating a hostile environment, and cursing out the other women.

Margaret McPoyle is dumbfounded, and explains that the only thing she said to anyone was, “You’re telling Joey I’m a bully … why?” Margaret McPoyle goes on to add that she has been bullied in the past … and this ain’t that. Margaret McPoyle becomes emotional, shocked that she’s being targeted this way, and Joey can see that she’s not faking any of it, leaving him confused.

Margaret McPoyle then adds that if Joey likes Toddlers and Tiaras, he can’t like her, because they are nothing alike. Furthermore, Margaret McPoyle points out, she’s explained her side the best she could, but Toddlers and Tiaras is just leaving these accusations hanging out there without anything to substantiate them — and Joey, shockingly, agrees that he should have asked more questions.

With that, the first annual Kentucky Fried Pool Orgy comes to an end, and the women are sent to go get ready for the Rose Ceremony.

WIPE THAT CHICKEN GREASE OFF YOUR FACE AND LINE UP, LADIES:

Rose #1: Sporty Spice
Rose #2: Frodo
Rose #3: Lizard Hands
Rose #4: Lei Me
Rose #5: Lots of Balls
Rose #6: Christmas Tree
Rose #7: Starla
Rose #8: Force Feeding
Rose #9: Fall
Rose #10: Younger Sister
Rose #11: Margaret McPoyle
Rose #12: Someone Named Sydney

Which means the women who must go away now are:

Umpire’s Chair, Year of Yes, and Butterflies. I honestly have nothing to say about any of these women because we did not get to know them in favor of Toddlers and Tiaras made-up drama. Maybe we’ll see y’all in Paradise, but I doubt it!

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

6 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: Kentucky Fried Drama”

  1. “You know, where Judy Garland and Valerie Bertinelli are buried, that Hollywood Forever Cemetery.”

    Not sure who you meant here, but I’m pretty sure Valerie Bertinelli (who my teenage self that had a major crush on has still never quite forgiven for marrying that Van Halen guy) is still alive.

    And thank you for properly summarizing Sydney’s performance in that episode. I’m girding myself for the two-on-one date.

    Reply

  2. Hi, wondering if you meant Valerie Harper rather than Bertinelli?

    Joey laughing at Kelsey T in her butter hat as she was hamming it up during the tennis date was pretty cute. It was a cute date in general, actually. Too bad they have to add the stupid dramazz later. But I guess if it’s being given to them on a platter… or is it? Fairly positive a producer is egging on Sydney. Also, Edwina fan here!

    Reply

    1. Yes, I meant Harper. May Valerie Bertinelli live a long, fulfilling life! Thanks for reading!
      –T

      Reply

  3. I’ve been trying to figure out who Maria reminds me of since Ep1 and I just realized it’s Margaret Qualley!

    Reply

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