‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Purging the beach

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 9

Bachelor in Paradise
November 30, 2023

Last we left these dummies so many weeks ago, they had just mocked each other in a brutal roast that left a number of women wounded and wondering if any of these men, including the ones they were dating, even liked them. It was rough.

And now it’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time, and the last chance these guys have to make up for bruising so many feelings.

Grizzly Adams immediately takes Glitter Bomb aside for a talk, and she can tell … it’s not going to be a good one. Once alone, Grizzly Adams confesses that seeing Bachelorette Katie did bring up a lot of feelings for him: specifically, it reminded him that he had accomplished so much more in his relationship with Bachelorette Katie (read: he fell in love) in less time than he has here with Glitter Bomb (read: he’s not in love with her or anywhere near it). He likes Glitter Bomb a lot, but they are just playing Paradise, and waiting for the end.

And Glitter Bomb, she saw this coming. She admits that it was good in the beginning but that somewhere along the way, it stopped being fun. She wanted to see it through, but she really thought at this point she would be hopelessly in love. Glitter Bomb tells Grizzly that he made her feel very comfortable the entire time, and that there are no hard feelings, and with that, they get up, hug, and then part ways.

  1. I am shocked they didn’t work out. This is my shocked face.
  2. I am actually going to give these two props for handling this situation with maturity and grace. Should they have never been together in the first place? Sure. Might they have had this conversation several episodes ago and actually try to make real connections with other people? Probably. But they are both honest and gentle with each other and on this show, that’s something.

While Glitter Bomb cries to some of the other women that she blames herself for the breakup, and that she’s the bad guy, but that she JUST WANTED TO BE IN LOOOOOOVE (child, you are 24 years old, calm down), Grizzly Adams goes up to the bar and says his goodbyes.

And then? Inexplicably? Like, literally out of nowhere? Bullhorn chases him out to the Salir de la Camioneta de la Nación de Bachelor, and begs him to stay?

WHAT NONSENSE IS THIS?

Bullhorn insists that she can’t be there without him, and when he protests that there’s no one for him to stay for, she tells him to stay for her.

GIRL, WHAT?

But she doesn’t convince him to stick around BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE, and Grizzly Adams takes his dignity and goes home.

And Grizzly, please, I’m begging you, don’t come back to these terrible shows. You genuinely seem like a nice guy: you can do better than these empty Instagram models, I promise.

Grizzly Adams’ departure leaves the rest of Paradise STUNNED! (But should it?) They were a strong couple! (Were they?) It should serve as a wake-up call to other couples! (Will it?)

Henry the Pig’s Mom decides that it is time for her and Boardwalk Carny to have one of these difficult conversations, too, because these are the talks that make you grow as a couple.

Once they are alone, Henry the Pig’s Mom is like, “This relationship seems to have plateaued. We haven’t gone any deeper, you aren’t pursuing me, I don’t feel wanted. I am pretty sure you are just here to have a fling and aren’t looking for something more serious, at least not from me. And don’t give me that bullshit about being afraid of a long-distance relationship because everyone here lives in different places all over the country, that’s how this works.”

Boardwalk Carny half-protests that for the past few days, he’s been trying to find that spark between them! So Henry the Pig’s Mom is like, “OK, and have you found it?” Boardwalk Carny shakes his head no, and she’s like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Boardwalk Carny protests that there’s no timetable to find said spark but Henry the Pig’s Mom is like, “Get the fuck out of here with that. You won’t be getting my rose tonight.”

And to Boardwalk Carny’s credit (very very little credit) he just heads home rather than stick around to shoot his shot with Glitter Bomb or whomever.

Elsewhere, Cap’n Chicago and Big Toe play some makeshift basketball and are having a good time; and A-A-RON and German Sausage are talking about meeting families.

But everything else is a hot dumpster fire.

Bachelorette Rachel, still furious about Towelie’s joke about how he wished it was Bachelorette Gabby who had come to Paradise, has decided that he won’t be receiving her rose after all, and turns back to Mario Andretti. They talk about what a good time they had on their date, and she insists that she deserves someone like Mario Andretti who is all in on her.

BUT PLOT TWIST: Mario Andretti is NOT all in on Bachelorette Rachel which he tells AN ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE. In fact, now that Boardwalk Carny is out of the equation, Mario Andretti is anxious to shoot his shot with Henry the Pig’s Mom. 

Mario Andretti takes Henry the Pig’s Mom aside to tell her that he is interested in her, and had always been interested in her, but she was with Boardwalk Carny. She appreciates his kindness, but ahead of the Rose Ceremony, she remains uncertain as to what she is going to do.

As for Glitter Bomb, she has decided to stick around Paradise because why the hell not? And suddenly she’s the hottest commodity on the beach, being schmoozed by Dangly Earrings, Home Videos, and Towelie who tells Glitter Bomb that while he couldn’t get to know her before now because she was with Grizzly Adams, her loyalty to Grizzly Adams this entire time was the biggest green flag. Because: Catch-22!

With that, we head into the Rose Ceremony of Chaos:

German Sausage: A-A-RON
Julia Roberts: Deep Dive
Bullhorn: Junior
Big Toe: Cap’n Chicago
Canada Sam: Pilot Peter Jr.
Glitter Bomb: Towelie (Poor Home Videos leaps up, mistakenly thinking that she called his name and everyone is like, “WHO?”)
Henry the Pig’s Mom: Mario Andretti
Bachelorette Rachel:  …

Bachelorette Rachel, seeing that all of her available options have been claimed, stomps out of the Breakup Palapa in tears with Jesse Palmer and a cameraman in hot pursuit. Through her sobs, Bachelorette Rachel tells Jesse Palmer that she needs to go now, gracias very much. She says goodbye to the other women and departs Bachelor Nation once and for all.

At least one can hope.

And with Bachelorette Rachel’s departure, her rose is forfeited, automatically eliminating both Dangly Earrings and Home Videos (who?)


ALRIGHT. ONE MORE EPISODE  FOR YOU IDIOTS TO GROW UP AND FIGURE OUT Y’ALL’S SHIT. DO OR BREAKUP TIME, KIDS.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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