‘The Golden Bachelor’: A tarnished finale

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelor, the golden bachelor: season 1

The Golden Bachelor
November 30, 2023

For the finale we are back in the Bachelor studio along with “Bachelor royalty” according to Jesse Palmer: Charity and Dotun; Zach and whoever he chose (I honestly don’t remember … the nurse? From Austin? Who cares?); the new Bachelor Joey; a bunch of Paradise dingdongs, including Dangly Earrings; a number of Gerry’s eliminated Golden Bachelorettes, and Barb. Because apparently Barb is living in the Bachelor Studio these days.

And then we are off to Costa Rica where Gerry is feeling “elated” at having two great women to choose from. There’s Prince Groupie, with whom “words are unnecessary” and they “just know what the other is feeling”; and there’s Birthday Suit, with whom he admits there was a long lull, but that it all changed on their Fantasy Suite date when he bothered to ask her what she does for a living and found out she works in finance.

Before he makes his final decision, however, he has to go through the final gauntlet: introducing his final two to his family, namely his daughters and granddaughters. And they have questions:

Q. Have either woman said, “I love you?”

A. As a matter of fact, both.

Q. Have you told either of the women that you love them?

A. As a matter of fact, both.

Because the fact of the matter is you can age up the Bachelor, but in the end, he’s still going to be a dumb man who makes bad choices and only thinks of himself.

The first woman they are going to meet, Gerry explains, is Birthday Suit, whom he describes as “an intelligent businesswoman.” Which is an interesting choice of description considering he only learned that particular fact about her, what, 36 hours ago at most?

ANYWAY. Birthday Suit shows up and informs him that she “can’t really jump” into his arms. GOOD. DON’T. I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT EVEN HAS BEEN SUGGESTED. STOP SUGGESTING THAT, PRODUCERS.

Gerry brings Birthday Suit in and introduces her to his family, and she assures them that ABC couldn’t have chosen a better Golden Bachelor. He laughs that he didn’t sign up to break so many hearts, but he’s glad all of that is behind him and he only has to focus on two women now. Because simultaneously dating two women and considering proposing to both of them is totally normal.

In the awkward pause that ensues while everyone chews on that little nugget, Gerry offers Birthday Suit some orange juice, which we and he will only learn later was spiked with vodka. EVERYTHING IS GOING JUST GREAT.

The daughters take Birthday Suit outside and grill her: what is it about their dad that makes her want to be with him for the rest of her life? Birthday Suit explains that Gerry is a warm, kind, principled person, and also on the first night he gave her a birthday cupcake, and smeared some icing on his lips which he asked her to help him clean off.

BIRTHDAY SUIT: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THEIR FATHER’S LAME PICKUP LINES. KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF; THEY’LL BE ABLE TO CRINGE THROUGH IT WHEN IT AIRS SOON ENOUGH.

Birthday Suit tells the daughters about her dead husband Billy, and the daughters are struck at how similar her story is to their father’s, both having lost their high school sweethearts, etc. etc.

The daughters then tell Gerry that they like Birthday Suit, and ask him if the Fantasy Suite with her gave him any more “clarity.” When Gerry hesitates, Daughter #1 makes it explicit: “Did you knock the boots?” Gerry declines to answer, thank God, but does say that once they were alone together, the conversations became easier, the kisses sweeter.

TL;DR: They approve.

Gerry walks Birthday Suit outside, tells her that his family was “enthusiastic” about her and that he’s overjoyed to be able to tell her that he loves her.

That evening, he and Birthday Suit have one last date in her hotel room where she puts on a nice dress and makes an effort and he shows up like this:

Listen. I am, sadly, a heterosexual woman who is attracted to men. I am madly in love with my male husband and I have raised two men. But I am here to say, again, men are trash. Unredeemable trash. MY GOD, GERRY, PUT ON A COLLARED SHIRT AT THE FUCKING LEAST. EVEN A GOLF POLO WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU AREN’T ON PARADISE, GERRY.

Whatever. The point is, Gerry is in a good mood after a great meeting with his daughters, but he does inform her that her orange juice was inadvertantly spiked with vodka. Birthday Suit laughs it off and says that it reminds her of the very first time she ever got drunk when she was with her then-to-be husband Billy. This leads the two of them talking about how much they enjoy hearing about the other person’s first spouse and how it helps them understand each other better.

Prince Groupie is doomed.

Birthday Suit then gets down to business: look. She knows there’s another woman still in the mix and his relationship with her is none of her business. That said, while she wants him to be happy, she also wants him to choose her ONLY IF he knows that he 1000% wants her and only her. With that, Gerry is sent off into the night, and Birthday Suit is left with her anxiety.

The next day it is Prince Groupie’s turn with the family, and Gerry describes her as “fun,” having a good sense of humor, and lots of energy. And when Prince Groupie arrives, she is full of confidence: sure, it’s been a minute since she saw him last, but on that overnight, he told her that he thought she was “the one.” So.

When she meets the girls, Prince Groupie explains that she and their father/grandfather connected over humor. In fact, for a long time, she thought he was “prim and proper” but then on the overnight, he dropped an F-bomb, and she was relieved to realize she could swear in front of him.

Gerry clarifies: it was said with an exclamation point, not a question mark. This might be the single funniest thing this man has said all season.

The granddaughters have the first go at Prince Groupie, where she tells them that she is crazy about their grandfather and in love with him. Everyone cries.

As for her conversation with the daughters, she tells them the whole thing about how the phrase “’til death do us part” makes her emotional because, through no choice of her own, she’s never had that, having been divorced twice before. But, their father makes her feel safe and secure, and she can imagine having that with him.

Gerry meets with his daughters, where he talks about Prince Groupie being a “free spirit” and having “strong feelings.” He admits he’s struggling with his decision, and that leading into the proposal, he’s mostly just exhausted. His daughters encourage him to follow his heart, and Gerry realizes he’s about to make the biggest decision he’s made in the last 55 years.

With that, he walks Prince Groupie out, and he gives off BAD VIBES. He’s not particularly affectionate, he doesn’t assure her that his family liked her, he doesn’t tell her he loves her, the way he did with Birthday Suit. Instead, he tells her that he thinks it’s time she goes, and that he’ll see her later.

GIRL, IT’S OVER.

But, no, not quite yet. We still have to go through the motions of “one last date” in Prince Groupie’s hotel room. Gerry manages to wear a shirt with buttons this time, so there’s that. But Prince Groupie acknowledges what we all just witnessed with his goodbye: Gerry’s not acting like himself, and it’s worrisome. She confronts him about it, and he mumbles something about the stress and pressure getting to him. He apologizes for bringing low energy, and they make a toast to their relationship.

ME:

Prince Groupie then gives Gerry a gift: a scrapbook filled with pictures from their relationship, including the night they first met and their dates. Gerry tells Prince Groupie that it’s been so much fun and meeting her has been a blessing in so many ways for him, before thanking her for everything she’s done for him, and he hopes he’s done the same for her.

OH NO.

 

Prince Groupie tells Gerry that she can’t imagine being without him now, and his response is, “MMMHMM.”

Gerry then asks her if there’s anything else she wants to tell him …

… and when she tells him she loves him, he replies that’s “such a special sentiment” …


Gerry clearly wants to crawl out of his own skin, or at the very least get out of this hotel room already, and after a painful pause, he tells Prince Groupie to “be happy.”

Oh no, now I’m dead.

Gerry leaves, telling her that he has a tough decision to make, but we all know you’ve already made it, Gerry. He kisses her goodbye, walks out of the room, and then plops himself down in the hotel stairwell for a good cry.

In her room, Prince Groupie is sobbing, too, because we all know what is coming.

And sure enough, Gerry goes back to her room, because there’s something he needs to tell her. There, Gerry tells Prince Groupie that it’s been difficult, but he’s made a decision: he’s fallen in love with Birthday Suit and he’s going to go in that direction.

Prince Groupie is like, “OH. So everything you told me was a lie …” But Gerry argues that it wasn’t because at the time that’s how he felt.

But things changed and things evolved!

Prince Groupie is like, “I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT THE MOMENT I SAW YOU TODAY, YOU WERE OFF.”

Girl, we all knew.

Prince Groupie demands to know where it went wrong, but Gerry insists that nothing “went wrong,” it’s that only one of them is “right.” He apologizes for causing so much pain, and Prince Groupie laments that this is just how her life goes. Gerry tells her not to think that, and Prince Groupie fires back, “I CAN THINK WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.”


Prince Groupie reminds him that only one day ago he was telling her that he loved her, and that she fell in love with his family. BUT AT LEAST SHE WON’T BE WALKING DOWN IN THAT $60,000 DRESS AND DIAMOND EARRINGS TOMORROW JUST TO BE COMPLETELY HUMILATED, SO SMALL FAVORS.

~raises hand~ Ma’am, can we please see this $60,000 dress? Asking for the class.

Prince Groupie is like, “You know what, there’s nothing you can say that is going to make me feel better. Birthday Suit is a great girl, so I’m not going to trash talk her. But … ugh.”

Gerry sees himself out, and as Prince Groupie sobs on her balcony, he sobs to Jesse Palmer that THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIM SINCE HIS WIFE DIED.

Back in the studio, a grim-looking Prince Groupie is ready to hash it out with Jesse Palmer. She tells him that watching the breakup made all those emotions come flooding back. She was devastated in large part because she made herself vulnerable to Gerry: she hadn’t fallen in love in a long time, and this was a lot to have to relive.

Prince Groupie goes on to explain that until that day she was 100% certain that she was his choice thanks to the things he said to her on their overnight date. And then there was meeting his family: they laughed, they cried, she absolutely fell in love with his granddaughters. She had written her vows, picked out a wedding dress, imagined an entire life for them. And after their overnight together, based on the things he said to her that night, she was certain he chose her.

They bring Gerry out, and Prince Groupie explains that she fell in love with him for many reasons, including how he treated her, and that he was a “man of integrity.” And because he had so much integrity, she believed the things he told her, including the things he said to her during the Fantasy Suites that weren’t shared on the show. In fact, those things he said that night gave her so much confidence that she was the one that she didn’t have any anxiety, jealousy, or concern when he went on his date with Birthday Suit. And all along, he had the choice to NOT say those things. So, she supposes, the question here is: What went wrong?

Gerry tries to explain: he did his best in this entire process to be fully present with whomever he was with, which meant that sometimes he got caught up in the moment and said things that ultimately hurt people. In the moment he said those things, he meant them, and he truly thought she was the person … until he suddenly knew she wasn’t. He will never forgive himself for the pain he caused along the way, but this was the best he could do.

Prince Groupie tells him that she’s not sure that she can accept his apology, but she understands it. Gerry thanks her for that, but I don’t know that it was meant to be kind? She didn’t accept your apology, Gerry, it’s understood, but not accepted.

Gerry goes on to talk about how he hated sending everyone home and the hurt he caused, including Biker Chick and Roberta’s Friend.

THE EYE ROLL:

Prince Groupie insists that she has no regrets and that if nothing else, this experience has taught her that she deserves a man of integrity. She wishes Gerry and Birthday Suit the best, and he hopes that she finds happiness in the near future.

With that, we are on to the inevitable proposal.

Gerry is out on the proposal platform with the requisite proposal vases and proposal bamboo and proposal potted plants.

BUT CAN WE JUST PAUSE HERE FOR ONE GODDAMNED MOMENT AND TALK ABOUT HOW THEY FORCE POOR BIRTHDAY SUIT TO WALK IN HEELS OVER GRASS TO GET TO THE PROPOSAL PLATFORM?

WHY NO WALKWAY, ABC? THIS IS A 70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN HEELS IN THE TROPICS. HELP A GIRL OUT.

SERIOUSLY, FOR THE ONE-THOUSANDTH TIME, WHERE ARE ABC’S LAWYERS?

Anyway, she manages to make it to Gerry safely, and she tells him that until she met him, she had resigned herself to spending the rest of her life alone. But now she’s confident that the best is yet to come.

As for Gerry, he tells her that he woke up that morning with a million different emotions and that he was asking himself if she was the right girl. Finally, he came to a realization: she was not the right person for her to live with …

And Birthday Suit falls for it and sadly sighs, “Okay,” believing she’s just been dumped before Gerry lands the ol’ switcheroo: she’s the person he can’t live without.

Happy squeals, Gerry gets down on one knee, and proposes. He then offers her the final rose — which is made of SOLID GOLD* and she accepts.

Rose #1: Birthday Suit

Back in the Bachelor Studio, Birthday Suit and Gerry come out together to wan applause from the other Golden Bachelorettes. They talk about keeping their relationship a secret and how glad they are to be public now; they talk about the proposal and the ol’ switcheroo Gerry pulled; and Jesse Palmer asks them what, exactly, happened in the Fantasy Suites that clearly changed everything for Gerry. Gerry jokes that Jesse Palmer doesn’t ask his parents what happens on their overnight dates, while Birthday Suit quips that she “knocked his boots off.”

Gerry actually does clarify what changed for him, and I really wish he hadn’t: he explains that as the night went on, she addressed every red flag that he might have had, and more importantly, he recognized that she was a woman who had been married for 40 years or whatever and that she knew how to “maintain a relationship.” And I’m sure he (probably) didn’t mean this as a dig at Prince Groupie, but considering that her biggest insecurity was about never having had a relationship that worked out, it sure sounds like that’s exactly why he didn’t choose her in the end.

Finally, Jesse Palmer reveals that the show is gifting them a trip to Italy, which they act surprised by, before announcing that they will use it as their honeymoon as they are getting married live on ABC on January 4.

You better invite this guy, ABC:

@mattycordova19

Finale #thegoldenbachelor #dad #weddingtiktok #vodka #oj #guac #fax

♬ Hooligang – Joey Valence & Brae

Before we close this chapter, we have to address The Hollywood Reporter story that broke 36 hours before the finale: that Gerry wasn’t quite the bereaved, lonely widower that ABC made him out to be. According to the story, a few months before he retired, Gerry was working maintenance at a mental health center in Iowa. It was there he met a woman, Carolyn, who was 14 years younger than him. ONE MONTH after Toni died, he was calling Carolyn, announcing he was coming back to Iowa to deal with some estate stuff and would like to see her.

They were soon dating and it became a three-year relationship in which she picked up her life and moved to Indiana to be with him. The relationship was rocky: he insisted she pay rent and that they split costs — including at dinner where she would have to pay him her half in advance so that he could “be the big man” and pay the entire bill himself — which, OH MY GOD, NO, GROSS.

It eventually ended when she was packing for his high school reunion and he told her, “I’m not taking you to the reunion looking like that,” because she had gained 10 pounds. That was the end of that, and he forced her to stay in a hotel during the final week of the two-week’s notice that she had to give her boss before returning to her life back in Iowa.

Gerry has addressed the story by basically saying, “Yeah, I dated after my wife died, but it was nothing serious.”

Look. Listen. The man was widowed for six years before he came on the show; no one expected him to be a monk. The problem lies in the way the show just decided to lie about his past instead of being honest about it. He told Entertainment Tonight that he hadn’t dated “in 45 years,” and a big part of the entire Myth of Gerry was that he was so broken-hearted after his wife died, that he wasn’t able to begin dating again, admitting to only one pre-show kiss.

I’m not sure why the show went to such lengths to lie about Gerry’s romantic past — I’m pretty sure all they would have had to say is that since his wife died, he had been unlucky in love, unable to find that one special woman. It would have been vague enough to cover their bases, while at the same time, it would have pulled at the ol’ heartstrings.

Anyway. I wish the happy couple all the best, and strongly suggest that Birthday Suit be careful to not gain any weight.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:

The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

*No, it’s not.

Leave a Reply