‘Bachelor in Paradise’: A shitty situation

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 9

Bachelor in Paradise
October 12, 2023

It’s the morning after the first rose ceremony and the men are coming to the nauseating realization that they no longer have the power in Paradise. The girls will be passing out the roses this week, and, as always happens in Paradise, new men will be joining the group — men that might be cuter than them. And for the first of what feels like nineteen times in this episode, the residents helpfully remind us who has “made a connection” with whom:

  • Glitter Bomb and Grizzly Adams
  • Firebug and Legend
  • Big Check and Bachelorette Rachel
  • Dangly Earrings and Julia Roberts
  • A-A-RON and German Sausage
  • Swaggy and Henry the Pig’s Mom
  • Bullhorn and Junior
  • And not really together except for convenience’s sake: Pilot Pete Jr. and Big Toe

(Sidenote: we will not see one second of Pilot Pete Jr. in this episode because the producers and everyone else either dislike him or he’s so insufferably boring, he’s not worth filming. If you think you see him in the episode, it is likely Firebug.)

But these relationships built in the first week are literally not designed to last, and to that end, Tanner from Charity’s season — who I called “Towelie” because he showed up to the McMansion waving a towel around for Pittsburgh reasons — is sent down to the beach.

Towelie = Tanner (Charity’s season)

Towelie introduces himself to the group, and reads the card he was sent down with: “Towelie: love is a wild ride.” With that, he asks to speak to Glitter Bomb and the two wander off to talk alone. Along the way, Glitter Bomb, for absolutely no reason, explains that she’s wearing a one-piece because she’s feeling bloated. Towelie: “Uhhh … Cool?”

Once alone, they chat about how awkward this whole thing is, and how excited Glitter Bomb has been to see him in particular.

Towelie then asks to speak to Julia Roberts, and Dangly Earrings is like, “It’s cool it’s cool it’s cool it’s totally cool it’s cool,” despite it not being cool at all. 

In fact, Towelie invites Julia Roberts on the date and she nearly jumps out of her skin to accept. Without even a glance at Dangly Earrings, Julia Roberts runs off to get ready for the date. Which, okay, but maybe she’ll talk to him before she leaves?

LOL NOPE.

She just walks right out of Paradise with Towelie and never looks back.

Dangly Earrings spends the rest of the day in Paradise in full mope.

As for their date, Towelie and Julia Roberts go on the “Ride Horses to the Beach” date, which concludes with them making out on the beach.

Next to enter Paradise is Tyler from Rachel and Gabby’s season, who I called “Boardwalk Carny” because he was literally a boardwalk carny on the Jersey Shore. The show claims his nickname is “Mr. Abs,” apparently, but we’re going to stick with Boardwalk Carny if only because Bachelorette Rachel dumped his ass on his boardwalk during hometowns before meeting his family.

Boardwalk Carny = TYLER (Rachel and Gabby’s season)

And so it’s almost a relief when Boardwalk Carny comes down to the beach and asks to speak to Bachelorette Rachel first, instead of pretending she and their past relationship simply didn’t exist. You know, like SOME PEOPLE. JUNIOR.

Boardwalk Carny also asks to speak to Glitter Bomb, who is quick to inform him about her whole bloating situation.

Girl. No one cares.

And he asks to speak to Henry the Pig’s Mom, stressing poor Swaggy out, as he just lost Bullhorn to a recent Paradise arrival two days before.

Sure enough, Boardwalk Carny asks Henry the Pig’s Mom to join him on his date and she happily accepts.

Swaggy:

Boardwalk Carny and Henry the Pig’s Mom are given a retread of the “Dinner at the Pool at the Resort” date, and Henry the Pig’s Mom sees “signs” that this is mean to be everywhere: there’s a shooting star, and there’s a raccoon!

AND LISTEN, I know that a raccoon is not usually considered a sign from the universe, but HEAR ME OUT: What if it was Claire’s raccoon?

Over dinner, they discuss how they are each their first choices, and what’s wild is that Junior and Boardwalk Carny are best friends and Bullhorn and Henry the Pig’s Mom are best friends and now they can all be best friends and in lurv together and everyone will live happily ever after!

Well. Almost everyone.

As for our other Sad Boy, Dangly Earrings, he spends the day sulking around Paradise, waiting for Julia Roberts and Towelie to return from their date. He’s so pathetic that his fellow Bachelorette castmates who were ready to beat him up on a party bus, even they are feeling sorry for him, including Big Check who should be worried about his own relationship, according to the chyron editors:

Towelie and Julia Roberts finally return from their date, and she almost immediately takes Dangly Earrings aside to chat.

There, Julia Roberts is like, “Yeah, so the date went great and I have feelings for him and I don’t have feelings for you anymore, it’s over.”

Dangly Earrings is stunned by this development and asks how her feelings could change so quickly. Julia Roberts is like, “I actually woke up thinking that maybe I didn’t like you anymore but I didn’t tell you, and I don’t know, all I do know is that I didn’t think about you once while I was on my date with him. Anyway, you’re great, good luck.”

With that, she leaves, and Dangly Earrings is dumbstruck. When everyone else checks on him, he explains that she completely blindsided him, and she did it with absolutely no emotion in her voice; she was just ice cold. He keeps asking people if what they had looked real to them, because it felt so real to him, and they all agree — they seemed like one of the strongest couples in Paradise (after four days). And slowly, painfully slowly, he starts to realize that she was just using him for his rose this entire time.

By the time Julia Roberts has returned from her shower, this has become the talk of Paradise, and Glitter Bomb and Bullhorn take her aside to let her know that she’s the current villain on the beach. They say it more gently than that, of course, telling her that he felt like she was cold to him, and that she flipped a switch. Julia Roberts is OUTRAGED and tries to talk over them to TELL THEM HER POSITION which is that NUH-UH. And they’re like, “Hey, stop being so defensive, dummy, and listen.”

But Julia Roberts is not one for listening to criticism …

Instead, she demands that Dangly Earrings come and talk to her RIGHT NOW. Julia Roberts starts on the offensive, saying that she has been nothing but open and honest with her feelings and it’s outrageous that she has to be hearing from her girlfriends that he’s talking about her. How dare he talk to other people!

Dangly Earrings counters that he is going to talk to other people if he feels like talking to other people. She argues that he’s NOT LISTENING because SHE EXPLAINED HOW SHE WAS FEELING so clearly HE DOESN’T LISTEN.

Dangly Earrings tells her that he felt like she used him for his rose, and it made him feel cheap and like a dirty whore, to which she responds condescendingly, “OK, Dangly Earrings. OK.”

In an interview, Julia Roberts protests that — and this is a direct quote: “This is very difficult for me, too. I think.”

STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR DANGLY EARRINGS, YOU MONSTER.

And then! And then this Villainness, whose superpower is projection, SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL DANGLY EARRINGS THAT HE’S BEING ARGUMENTATIVE BEFORE STORMING OFF.

In direct contrast, when Henry the Pig’s Mom returns from her date with Boardwalk Carny, she takes Swaggy aside and tells him that while she had a lovely date, she is confused about her feelings, and she’s going to take the night to sleep on it. Swaggy is still a Sad Boy, but he isn’t kneecapped. He says that he will wake up tomorrow with hope that Henry the Pig’s Mom will pick him. (She absolutely will not.)

MEANWHILE, while all this romantic drama is playing out, poor Legend has been spending all of her time on the toilet, trying to poop.

For nine days.

The situation is so dire that the producers send in an E.R. doctor, Dr. Kelly, to talk to Legend and give her an ultimatum: poop in the next 15 hours, or he’s going to take her to the hospital and make her deliver a “poop baby.”

And a “poop baby” is exactly what it sounds like: a 16-inch, several-pound pile of poop that might have to be surgically removed if things become too dicey.

Obviously — OBVIOUSLY — the editors add a “Poop Baby” timer in the corner for the remainder of the episode

At the 6-hour mark, Legend confesses the Poop Baby to All-4-Wells who literally tries to scare the shit out of her.

It does not work.

Legend eventually takes Firebug aside and delivers the gross bad news: she’s desperately constipated and will fly home to get treated in the morning if she can’t pass this movement in the next few hours.

Firebug, who is a firefighter/EMT is like “I’VE GOT THIS!” promising that this isn’t her poop baby, but their poop baby. He then disappears into the night, only to return with two trays of food and drink: a pupu platter, he calls it. It contains: coffee, olive oil shots, chips and salsa, taquitos, and a giant bowl of beans that she needs to finish on her own.

Alas, Legend can only eat so much before she retreats to the Barbie House and holds her stomach in pain. GIRL, THAT CLOCK IS TICKING.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

One thought on “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: A shitty situation”

  1. I’m so annoyed that we barely saw any of the conversations between Gerry and the ladies on GB, but we were forced to watch an hour of Sam’s constipation story. WTAF?

    Reply

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