‘The Bachelorette’: Spring Breakers

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 20

The Bachelorette
July 3, 2023

Aright, kids, the first night nonsense is past us, and we can get on with the actual dating part of this show. Jesse Palmer arrives at the McMansion and explains to our bimboys that there will be three dates this week: one 1-on-1 and two group dates. Tequila Shots, this morning he’s dressed like your boomer mom who is so excited to show off her recent haul from Chico’s:

So, Tequila Shots Dangly Earrings here, he’s pretty sure that he’s going to receive the first 1-on-1 on account of having received the First Impression Rose because either he’s never seen this show before, or his ego just can’t comprehend that she might be interested in other people. Possibly both.

In any event, the first date card is delivered, and Dangly Earrings is deeply disappointed:

“A-A-Ron: Let’s build a love that lasts a century.”

Charity soon arrives in a cherry red classic Mustang to pick up A-A-Ron, while the other men look on, seething with jealousy. They then drive to the Hollywood hills, discussing, along the way, their respective upbringings and similarities: they’re both military brats whose parents spent Saturday mornings cleaning the house to classic R&B.

The pair enjoy a picnic in the shadow of the famous Hollywood sign which is celebrating its 100th anniversary this year. There, Charity talks about her parents’ 48-year marriage and how she’s looking for something that will last as long as the Hollywood sign. A-A-Ron agrees, noting that he wants someone who will be there with him when he’s 50, 60, 100 years old. And I know that sounds so much older when you’re not yet 30, but IT DOESN’T MEAN IT DOESN’T STING A LITTLE.

The pair hike around the sign for a while, and A-A-Ron reveals that his “lucky coin” is actually a double-sided coin.

Gasp. Shock. Surprise.

They then head to a fancy old theater for “dinner” where A-A-Ron reveals a little bit more about himself: he has two brothers, he’s closest to his younger one. He had a four-year relationship back in college, but he was admittedly kind of a shitty boyfriend who lacked communication skills and prioritized playing football. But! He recognized that he had some things to work on and went to therapy.


And, honestly, that’s all Charity needed to hear.

AGAIN, MEN, DO YOU HEAR THAT?

The two are treated to a private concert by some white woman you’ve never heard of, and Charity offers him the rose, which he happily accepts.

Back at the house, the men, particularly Dangly Earrings, are enjoying the facilities, including the pool and zip line hot tub.

For some reason, this irritates Tall Adrian, who explains that as a 33-year-old father of a one-year-old daughter, he does not have time for such foolishness — the foolishness being … using the hot tub while there is literally nothing else for the men to do? What are they supposed to be doing while Charity is out on a date? Sin the living room staring at one another in silence? Unclear.

Later the first group date card is delivered:

“Tall Dotun; Towelie; Tall Adrian; Sad Pop Music; Actual Dr. Caleb; Rick Flair; Tall Kaleb; Almost-Dr. X; Apple Cider; Firebug; Big Check; and Dangly Earrings: Sun’s out; buns out. Love, Charity.”

The next day, the men are brought to the beach, and Charity lies straight to their dumb faces, claiming they are just there for a fun day playing in the sand. Jesse Palmer soon arrives to spoil this ruse by explaining that actually, the men are going to play Dodgeball — again — this time in neon Speedos. The winning team and one MVP from the losing team will join Charity for the cocktail party after; everyone else goes home a sad loserman.

Also, all of the points to Firebug for the brilliant Yosef’s Daughter reference:

I know this man isn’t going to win this show, but Firebug’s going to be AMAZING on Paradise.

Team Pink is: Dangly Earrings; Apple Cider; Almost-Dr. X; Actual Dr. Caleb; Sad Pop Music; and Tall Kaleb.

Team Green: Ric Flair; Tall Adrian; Tall Dotun; Firebug; Towelie; and Big Check.

And we won’t get too deep into the weeds in actual gameplay, because neither this blog nor this segment is really about that, but it is important to know a couple of things:

1. Almost-Dr. X is actually AMAZONG at dodgeball thanks to what sounds like a traumatic childhood.

2. A number of horny bystanders are beaned with dodgeballs.

3. Ric Flair on Team Green is also quite good — so good in fact, that Team Pink singles him out to be eliminated early.

4. Ric Flair also has “JOHN 3:16” written on his chest which is either sincere or ironic and I’m not sure which is better/worse.

5. When Ric Flair is eliminated, his teammate Tall Adrian steps in, and at one point manages to eliminate three Team Pink members with one throw of one ball.

6. Team Pink wins despite Tall Adrian’s heroics.

7. Charity chooses Tall Adrian as the MVP, despite some men feeling like Ric Flair deserved it. Of course, some men don’t get a vote and need to sit down.

At the cocktail party, Dangly Earrings is the first to chat with Charity, and talks about how “bummed” he is to have to share her, and asks why she gave him the First Impression Rose. Charity tells him that she did so based on the good conversation they had and that he made her feel comfortable. After their chat, Dangly Earrings compares their connection to the Avatar creatures touching braids.

THE CRINGE.

Charity visits with Sad Pop Music who reveals he played professional basketball … somewhere … and manages to go in for a kiss.

Meanwhile, the men are chatting and Dangly Earrings, he’s actually bitching about not receiving the 1-on-1 date, going on about how he deserved it after receiving the First Impression Rose. The other men are like, “Dude, that’s not how this works.” But he insists that actually, he doesn’t even want a rose, he just wants time with her. And validation. Because that’s what’s really going on here: his insecurity demands it.

Dangly Earrings then starts telling Tall Adrian directly to his face that he did not deserve to win the MVP, that it should have gone to Ric Flair. Dangly Earrings insists that he’s not “throwing shade.”

 

Tall Adrian, understandably, is not amused and explains in an interview that Dangly Earrings is acting like a child and that unlike himself, is clearly not there for the “right reasons.”

To that end, when Tall Adrian chats with Charity, he spends his time explaining that he is sacrificing time with his baby daughter to be on this dumb show and so he doesn’t appreciate it when there are other men here who are “playing games” and acting like they are on spring break. Charity is taken aback by this revelation, because never in the history of this show has anyone ever been accused of being immature or not there for the right reasons.

And so, when she joins the rest of the men, she announces that she heard that some of them have been treating this experience like spring break …

… and she wants to be VERY clear, she is not interested in that.

With that bit of scolding out of the way, she gives the date rose to Sad Pop Song.

After she leaves, the men wonder what that was all about, and Dangly Earrings is like, “Well, I know for sure that it wasn’t about ME.” And Tall Adrian all but admits that he’s the one that tattled on them.

New day; new group date. On this date are: Cap’n Chicago; Tennis Boy; One-Way; Harvard; Deep Dive; and Kick Me in the Balls.

Charity meets our old friends Gabby and Rachel in downtown Los Angeles where another audience has been assembled. The men are then brought in and Gabby and Rachel explain that they are going to quiz the men, and whomever they think is the best match for Charity will have the opportunity to break a Bachelor Nation record with her: the record for the longest Bachelor Nation kiss. The record to break is a paltry 3 minutes and 27 seconds.

NOTE: This is NOT the World Record for longest kiss. That goes to Ekkachai and Laksana Tiranarat of Thailand who in 2013 kissed for 58 hours and 35 minutes which doesn’t even make sense to me. It should be noted that the Guinness Book of World Records discontinued the longest kiss competition because it led to fatigue and psychosis!

Gabby and Rachel then ask the men a few questions like, “Where do you put your hands while kissing?”; “What’s the sexiest thing about Charity?” and they ask them to demonstrate by themselves their makeout technique. Finally, they ask each man to tell a story about a kiss they’ve experienced, be it a first kiss, a great kiss, a terrible kiss … whatever. And Tennis Boy, instead of telling a story about a kiss he’s experienced, makes up a story about how he broke the record for the longest kiss in Bachelor Nation history. It’s clever enough that he wins the honor of kissing Charity.

And, in fact, while the rest of the men are forced to stand in the front row and watch nauseously, Tennis Boy and Charity set a new record for longest kiss in Bachelor History at 4 minutes and 25 seconds.

Tennis Boy also wins a 1-on-1 date with Charity that evening, sending the rest of the losermen back to the McMansion. On that date, which is just in a hotel suite at the Beverly Hilton, Tennis Boy tells Charity about his parents’ divorce, revealing that his father came out of the closet when he (Tennis Boy — not Dad) was five. He goes on to add that his parents remained close friends and excellent co-parents, stressing that even though he’s from a “broken home,” he’s always felt deep love from both his mother and father. It’s actually an interesting and moving backstory — and a reminder for both the audience and Charity that just because someone is from a divorced household doesn’t mean they are incapable of loving and being loved.

Back at the McMansion, when the non-kissy men return and explain that they had to stand there and watch Charity make out with Tennis Boy, the other men, for the most part, are shocked on their behalf. Harvard suggests that all-in-all, it was a pretty good date: they had an opportunity to show their personalities and were interacting with Charity the entire time. But Dangly Earrings, because of course it’s Dangly Earrings, it’s always Dangly Earrings, he’s not having it. He would NEVER just stand there and watch his girl make out with someone else. He would have STORMED OUT of there. He’s angry for THEM. HELL, HE’S ANGRY FOR HIMSELF. HOW DARE CHARITY, THE BACHELORETTE, GO ON A DATE AND KISS ONE OF THE 19 MEN THAT ARE STILL REMAINING IN THIS COMPETITION! WHAT A CLASSLESS THING TO DO. AND HOW DARE SHE DO THAT WHEN YOSEF HAS A DAUGHTER AT HOME?

Tall Adrian:

The next day, Jesse Palmer stops by and informs the men that there won’t be a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony that night because they’re going to have a backyard barbecue instead! Go put on your dad shorts and flip-flops and let’s grill some burgers!

As for Dangly Earrings, he’s decided that the kissing date is a BRIDGE TOO FAR, and he’s going to sit Charity down and talk about it. If he doesn’t hear what he “needs” to hear from her, he’s packed his bags and he will walk RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

Charity first chats with Tall Dotun who takes the opportunity to tell her about his Nigerian heritage, his full name, and shows her the Resident Alien card he received when he was four years old and emigrated. He also adds that he almost didn’t come on the show until he learned that she was going to be the Bachelorette. Charity is charmed by him and notes that he has “husband qualities.”

Side note: Dotun is reportedly 6’7″ which even amongst tall men is very, very tall.

Charity also chats with Towelie who she insists is “good at reassuring” her. Whatever you say, honey.

Big Check finally has an opportunity to visit with Charity and spends that time teaching her how to putt.

And then there’s Dangly Earrings, who, I want to note here, is wearing a long-sleeved velvet shirt with feather earrings, which he calls his “70s rock star” look, and bitching about how Charity has violated his boundaries by kissing someone else, like he thinks he’s Jonah Fucking Hill.

So Dangly Earrings here, he sits Charity down for their big talk about the kissing incident, and he tells her that he was “thrown for a loop” when he heard about the date and that he had “a lot of doubt in [her] character.”

He just felt so bad for the men on the date, and in fact, he considered leaving over it.

And instead of going inside and grabbing his suitcases herself and throwing them out onto the Breakup Driveway, Charity begins explaining herself, insisting that she was threading a needle, taking care of Tennis Boy who won the competition and not hurting the feelings of the other men, and that none of this came from a malicious place.

GIRL, STOP EXPLAINING YOURSELF TO THIS MANCHILD.

Dangly Earrings, who was never really going to leave, let’s all be honest, seems satisfied with this answer and does not see himself out to the Go Home Now Van. WELL, FUCKING TERRIFIC. CRISIS AVERTED.

Charity next visits with Tall Adrian (who is only 6′ according to the internets, barely tall at all). He apologizes for bumming her out by telling her that some of the men were acting like college boys in Padre, and then proceeds to tell her more about how immature the men were about her kissing date. Specifically, Dangly Earring. Tall Adrian explains that Dangly Earring invalidated Harvard’s feelings when he insisted that it was still a good date, despite the kissing thing, and that Dangly Earring called her behavior “classless” and “disrespectful to the guys.”

Charity’s actual face:

GET RID OF HIM, CHARITY.

But instead, she decides there’s a “misinterpretation” by someone, and keeps him around at the insistence of the producers.

Rose #1: Tall Dotun
Rose #2: Towelie
Rose #3: Ric Flair
Rose #4: One-Way
Rose #5: Cap’n Chicago
Rose #6: Big Check
Rose #7: Almost-Dr. X
Rose #8: Firebug
Rose #9: Apple Cider
Rose #10: Tall Adrian
Rose #11: Dangly Earrings

Which means the men who must go away now are:

Actual Dr. Caleb;

Deep Dive who is a cute boy, but for some reason at the Rose Ceremony is dressed like a ventriloquist’s dummy:

Harvard, who never once said the word “Harvard” on-screen;

Tall Kaleb, who literally said NOTHING — not one word! in the four hours he was on the show;

And, worst (best) of all, Kick Me in the Balls.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu. I’m going to be late again next week. Deal with it.

2 thoughts on “‘The Bachelorette’: Spring Breakers”

    1. THANK YOU! That’s so helpful, Kuff! I know nothing about wrestling past 1986, as is fairly obvious.

      -T

      Reply

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