‘The Bachelor’: Bahama Drama

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
February 13, 2023

Having exiled Christina Mandrell for being a single mother bully, it’s time to pack up the ladies and begin the international leg of this season with a trip to the Bahamas. [INSERT EXCITED “WOOO”ING HERE.]

Zach is already in the Bahamas, taking outdoor showers and putting on his grandpa’s best Tony Bahamas button-down before regurgitating the producers’ talking points about how this week is a “fresh start” and that he’s ready to “take things to the next level.”

As for the women: Julia Roberts receives the first date card: “Julia Roberts: How deep is our love?” Julia Roberts speculates that they will have some “private” and “intimate” time in the water together, while the other women look nauseous that they didn’t receive the one-on-one. Blackface Defender actually bursts into hot angry tears about it.

But instead of being scolded for “taking away from Julia Roberts’ moment,” like Christina Mandrell was, everyone comforts Blackface Defender as she burbles about how “disappointed” she is.

As for the date itself, Zach greets Julia Roberts at the beach and explains that he’s just “a Bahama papa looking for his Bahama mama.”

Y’ALL. I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE WITH THIS CHEESE-ASS MAN. WHO PICKED HIM? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS 70-YEAR-OLD PARROTHEAD DISGUISED AS A 29-YEAR-OLD BEING THE ROMANTIC LEAD ON THIS TERRIBLE SHOW?

~deep breaths~

This date is on a catamaran and not once does this doofus make a “taking Kat out on a catamaran” joke, so small mercies, I suppose. On the boat, Zach burbles about how Julia Roberts looks like a model and how he’s never dated a model and how he can’t quite believe he’s dating someone who is this attractive.

Rachel and Gabi watching this:

After smearing a lot of sunscreen on one another, these two decide to strip down to their bathing suits and … dance? I guess you’d call it “dancing” what these two very white people are doing?

At some point, the boat crew has enough of these Caucasians and suggests that they do some snorkeling if only TO MAKE THE DANCING STOP.

Later, they sit on the beach together and discuss what a great time they had, how comfortable they were, and how it didn’t feel like a first date. Zach assures her that she makes him feel nervous and giddy in the best way and that he loves that he can dance goofily with her.

AS IF HE KNOWS ANY OTHER WAY TO DANCE.

The boat crew forever after this date:

That evening at dinner, Julia Roberts worries about telling Zach about her past, and hopes that he still likes her once she reveals some TERRIBLE SECRET. And so, once they are across their fake plates of food from one another, Zach begins his spiel about how wonderful his parents’ relationship is and how that’s what he wants from a partner. We’ve heard this song approximately 13,000 times now.

Julia Roberts, who has also heard this 13,000 times, tells him that she’s worried he’s going to judge her for being raised in a much different family, and goes on to tell him that she and her mother are estranged.

That’s it. That’s her huge dark secret: that she’s gone no contact with her mother with whom she has struggled to have a relationship.

Julia Roberts begins crying and Zach comforts her, insisting that he believes you love the person for who they are rather than where they came from, and he hopes she can know her worth. With that, he offers her the rose (she obviously accepts it) and they go outside for the requisite fireworks display.

Back at the hotel, Someone Named Aly speaks for all the women: “Dammit, she got fireworks.”

Speaking of the other women, while Zach was on this date with Julia Roberts, the group date card arrives:

“Someone Named Aly; Austin Nurse; Bored; Belchmeister; Baby Nurse; Bullhorn; Henry the Pig’s Mom; Love Charity; Maple Syrup; Glitter Bomb; Blackface Defender: It’s time to turn up the heat.”

Which means Rodeo Girl will go on the last one-on-one, which is shocking to everyone, most of all Rodeo Girl.

As for the group date, it’s very basic. Zach and the women go to a beach party: there’s dancing (“dancing”) to steel drums, rounds of limbo, and conch fritters. Tragically, however, Maple Syrup is allergic to shellfish and is worried that not being able to partake is going to somehow set her back. Also, she won’t be able to kiss Zach, since he’ll have shellfish all over his damn face.

SABOTAGED!

RIGHT. SO. During the limbo contest, Someone Named Anastasia tries to get Zach to kiss her for good luck — so obviously she’s not allergic to shellfish — and he goes in for a peck on the cheek, which is pretty funny considering how down he has previously been for sucking face at every opportunity.

After, Someone Named Anastasia decides to ask if she can speak to him alone, breaking the unspoken agreement amongst the women that they wouldn’t do that until that evening’s cocktail party. Zach agrees to the irritation of the other women who glare in the background.

Zach and Someone Named Anastasia spend their alone time talking about how sweaty they are. Riveting stuff.

But Bullhorn, she begins to panic, as she has not really spent any meaningful time with Zach, and she attempts to interrupt their conversation.

When Bullhorn asks if she can steal Zach, Someone Named Anastasia is like, “No, I’m not done yet. Give me a couple of more minutes, I need to get to the bottom of this sweaty back situation.” But Bullhorn doesn’t want to give her a couple more minutes, and is like, “Don’t make this awkward, just let me talk to him already.” When Someone Named Anastasia STILL insists that she’s not going to stop talking to him just yet, Bullhorn says, and I quote, “I don’t like to fight,” to which Someone Named Anastasis replies, “I am not going to fight you.”

Zach finally intervenes, says goodbye to Someone Named Anastasia, and proceeds to have a painfully awkward conversation with Bullhorn.

MEANWHILE, Someone Named Anastasia returns to the rest of the women and tells them that Bullhorn threatened her, taking the “I don’t like to fight” comment literally. It scared her, you guys. It scared her.

And I am not saying that Someone Named Anastasia jumping to the conclusion that Bullhorn meant that she was going to attack her is racist simply because Bullhorn is a woman of color; but I also won’t stop you if you find yourself at that particular conclusion on your own.

That night at the cocktail party, Zach visits with Austin Nurse, Glitter Bomb, Love Charity, and Maple Syrup, with whom he has good but boring conversations that are not worth discussing.

Meanwhile, Someone Named Anastasia confronts Bullhorn about her “I don’t want to fight you” comment, and Bullhorn is like, “I didn’t mean it literally, you idiot.” But Someone Named Anastasia has the audacity to claim it was a miscommunication, and that she’s not trying to manipulate Bullhorn’s words.

Bullhorn is not having it, and when she has her time with Zach, she tells him that the whole “stealing” him conversation with Someone Named Anastasia has her stressed out. Bullhorn explains that Someone Named Anastasia took her “I don’t want to fight you” comment out of context and was telling people that Bullhorn wanted to physically fight her, which could not be further from the truth. In fact, Bullhorn was terrified the entire time.

Bullhorn then adds that this is not the first time that Someone Named Anastasia has created problems, before telling Zach that Someone Named Anastasia supposedly told Love Charity that she was excited about how many Instagram followers she was going to add by being in the top 14.

Hold up: can we see again what it is that Someone Named Anastasia does for a living?

For those of you who need a translation: “Content Marketing Manager” is a fancy title for “Instagram Model Influencer.”

Zach when he learns the woman on the show who is an Instagram Influencer is excited about gaining new Instagram followers for being on the show:

“IT FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT,” he says, “THIS IS SOMETHING I DON’T STAND FOR,” he says, “I AM TERRIFIED THAT I WILL END UP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS,” he says.

Zach investigates this claim by pulling Love Charity aside, and asking her if what Bullhorn told him is true, and she confirms that when they were at the airport leaving Los Angeles, Someone Named Anastasia was, in fact, gloating about the number of Instagram followers they would all gain for having made it this far in the competition.

Zach then returns to the women, and announces that he’s concerned that someone is there for the “wrong reasons,” before asking to speak to Someone Named Anastasia. GEE, WHO COULD IT BE?

Alone, Zach confronts Someone Named Anastasia, asking her if she’s really on the show to connect with him or is this about her Instagram following? Someone Named Anastasia is shocked, SHOCKED! at this line of questioning. But quickly realizing that there are multiple witnesses to what she said at the airport, Someone Named Anastasia explains that she was speaking to the other women about the brands she works with through Instagram — you know, because she’s a “Content Marketing Manager” — but that’s the extent of it. When Zach excuses himself to go think about this whole mess, Someone Named Anastasia explains that she is SO DISAPPOINTED SOMEONE WOULD MANIPULATE HER WORDS.

Oh, girl.

Someone Named Anastasia rejoins the group and tells the other women that she is not OK after speaking with Zach. Bullhorn raises her hand and is like “It was me, I said the thing that got Someone Named Anastasia in trouble.” Bullhorn goes on to tell the women that when she spoke to Zach about the tension between herself and Someone Named Anastasia, he wanted to know what kind of vibe she was giving off in the house and so Bullhorn told him what she knew about the Instagram thing and how the 14 of them would gain 50 thousand followers for making it this far. Someone Named Anastasia smiles tightly and insists that it was taken out of context: that she was just answering questions that the other women asked about Instagram branding.

Meanwhile, Bored sees an opportunity, and “checks in” on Zach, earning herself the group date rose. Timing is everything y’all.

Someone Named Anastasia sobs inconsolably on the beach.

The next day is Rodeo Girl’s one-on-one date, and he takes her on an ATV date, I guess because he the producers assumes she’s a redneck. There’s not a lot to say about this activity: they ride four-wheelers, they kiss, she fist-bumps him, he’s offended by the fist bump, the end. Dude needs to develop a sense of humor already.

BEFORE WE GET TO DINNER, however, ABC gives us a trigger warning: “The following segment contains material about domestic violence. Viewer discretion is advised.”

So they go to dinner and they talk about how much they enjoyed their date and he brings up the fist bump again — IT WAS HER BEING FRIENDLY AND FUNNY, GET OVER IT, MY MAN — and he compliments how confident she is as a person.

Rodeo Girl thanks him, and explains that she has struggled in the past with that very thing. She goes on to tell him that a year ago, she ended a 6-year-long relationship that had become emotionally and physically abusive. After an incident wherein cops were waking her up after being knocked unconscious, she found the “bull strength” to leave this man and never look back, and she is certain that she is alive today because of that choice.

Zach, and America, are proud of her fortitude, and he offers her the date rose. Rodeo Girl is a tough broad who deserves the world — and certainly better than this chucklehead.

They then enjoy a private concert from a Bahamian gentleman WHOSE NAME THEY NEVER GIVE. Y’all. What the fuck? I have been introduced to so many mediocre white country artists on this show with names like Tyler Ellis and Kelsea Phillips and Florida Georgia Line, but y’all aren’t going to tell me this gentleman’s name so that The Bachelor fans can look up his SoundCloud or Spotify? This guy plays so beautifully, has such a rich voice, and we will never know who he is because for the first time in Bachelor history, they’ve chosen to not tell us his name.

HMM. I WONDER WHY.

The next day, the ladies get ready for the rose ceremony/cocktail party and talk about how nervous they are. You know, unlike every other rose ceremony/cocktail party.

When Zach arrives, he thanks the women for their bravery and vulnerability this week, before asking, pointedly, to speak to Someone Named Anastasia.

Alone, he tells her that he has concerns that she came on the show for the opportunities it provides rather than for him. Someone Named Anastasia laments that it’s upsetting that he has any doubts in her, but he’s like: ~shrug~ “Whaddya gonna do?”

And the next thing we know, Zach is leading Someone Named Anastasia out of the hotel.

Zach then returns to the other women and explains that “Someone Named Anastasia is not here with us anymore.”

Bullhorn blames herself for tattling and spends the next fifteen minutes hysterically crying and contemplating sending herself home rather than be eliminated. It becomes tedious very quickly.

 

Zach goes on to chat some more with Love Charity, and with Bored, and plays some pool with Julia Roberts. This stresses out Belchmeister because Julia Roberts already HAS a rose, and she’s barely had any time with him.

And so, when she finally has a chance to talk to Zach, Belchmeister is like I AM INSECURE AND NEED VALIDATION. But Zach is all “Yeah, I’m fresh out.”

As for Bullhorn, she’s working up her courage to talk to Zach and try to convince him to keep her even though she was the one who ratted out Someone Named Anastasia. But before she can get her chance, in walks Jesse Palmer announcing that it’s Rose Ceremony time. Line up, ding dongs.

Rose #1: Love Charity
Rose #2: Austin Nurse
Rose #3: Maple Syrup
Rose #4: Glitter Bomb
Rose #5: Henry the Pig’s Mom
Rose #6: Someone Named Aly
Rose #7: Blackface Defender
Rose #8: Bullhorn

Which means that in addition to Someone Named Anastasia, we are also saying goodbye to Baby Nurse and Belchmeister. Hope your arm is all healed up, Baby Nurse, whatever the hell happened to it!

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

 

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Zach:

Domestic violence help is just a call or chat away. Trained advocates offer free, confidential support whenever you’re ready. Call 800-799-7233, 24/7, English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service available.

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.

One thought on “‘The Bachelor’: Bahama Drama”

  1. I was almost starting to come around him, thinking, “Finally! A mature bachelor that won’t tolerate drama.” Until he was like “Mild racism? Meh. Seeking instagram followers??! Absolutely not!” He sucks.

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