‘The Bachelor’: Meet the Bachelorettes who want to date some guy whose uncle is kinda famous

The Bachelor

 

ALRIGHT FINE, LET’S DO THIS.

So the only vaguely interesting thing about Zach Shallcross, our ~checks notes~ 27th Bachelor, God help us all, is that he is the nephew of one Patrick Warburton, known for his roles on The Tick, Rules of Engagement, 8 Simple Rules, Less Than Perfect, and most memorably, as David Puddy, Elaine’s on-again-off-again idiot boyfriend on Seinfeld.

That’s it. That is the most interesting thing about Zach.

So let’s meet the women who were willing to put their entire lives on hold to “date” a guy whose face I forget the moment I look away from it.

Aly

Atlanta, Georgia
Healthcare Strategist, 26

With a beautiful smile and a personality to match, Aly is a Southern sweetheart ready to find love! Aly is a hopeless romantic and has even ended serious relationships because her exes weren’t ready for the real deal. She’s the full package and is as passionate about her work in healthcare as she is about Disneyland. Aly hopes Zach can match her energy and is excited to meet a man who’s ready for marriage. Nothing makes her happier than her goldendoodle named Texas, so hopefully, Zach can handle a little puppy love because these two are a package deal!

Fun Facts:
• Aly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.
• Aly went to the same high school as Beyonce.
• Aly loves broccolini but hates broccoli.

Oh, we’re starting with a COLLECTOR OF PORCELAIN DOLLS? What in the Annabelle nightmare is this? Nope to the nopity-nope on the express nope train to Nopeville. Just turn around, M3GAN, we are not interested.

Anastasia

San Diego, California
Content Marketing Manager, 30

Anastasia is really someone special. She comes from a big, loving Greek family and is ready to find love of her own! When it comes to finding a husband, Anastasia is looking for a mature man who has his life together and knows what he wants. In her free time, Anastasia enjoys watching the “Harry Potter” movies, visiting her family in Greece and vibing out to Rufus Du Sol’s music. Anastasia is done wasting time when it comes to dating and is ready to jump into love with both feet. Will Zach be the man to take the plunge with her? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Anastasia loves animals but is intimidated by monkeys.
• Anastasia has always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.
• Anastasia fears the day low-rise skinny jeans become fashionable again.

Anastasia is the first of several ladies from “big loving” ethnic families, so I guess that’s something Zach is looking for? Otherwise, there aren’t a lot of red flags with Anastasia — I am scared of monkeys and skinny jeans, too, because that’s just reasonable. But I am looking side-eyed at the Cleopatra thing, which could be a sign of kooky beliefs in past lives and crystal energy and juice cleanses and whatnot.

Ariel

New York City, New York
Marketing Executive, 28

Ariel is a thrill-seeker, and here at “The Bachelor,” thrill she will find. Ariel is adventurous, sophisticated, unapologetically herself and is looking for a man who can match her energy! Ariel comes from a big, loving Ukrainian family and is looking to find love like her parents have. She is a woman of the world and has traveled everywhere, from Europe to Asia to South America and more! When she’s not jet-setting, she loves exploring her hometown of New York City by going on long walks and listening to SZA. Ariel is truly hoping that Zach is her perfect match!

Fun Facts:
• Ariel loves to read Architectural Digest.
• Ariel doesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstance.
• Dancing to Abba makes Ariel smile.

Whaddya know, but Ariel is also from a “big loving” ethnic family! She’s also a “woman of the world” which is another way of saying “she’s been on an international flight before.”

Also, any time the word “unapologetically” is used in one of these biographies, you should be hearing the Villain Alarm going off. More on this in a bit.

Bailey

Nashville, Tennessee
Executive Recruiter, 27

Bailey is the perfect combination of loving and loyal. She is truly ready to settle down and meet her dream man! Bailey isn’t on dating apps because she says she’s not looking to date around; she is ready to find the one and thinks “The Bachelor” is the perfect place to do just that. Bailey is passionate about health and wellness and hopes to one day own her own business in the wellness world. She loves traveling and going on an adventure and hopes Zach is also looking for an adventure buddy. Bailey is extremely down to earth, gets along with everyone, and hopes her future husband will bring a similar energy to their relationship. We can’t wait to see if Bailey and Zach hit it off!

Fun Facts:
• Bailey would love to be a professional skydiver.
• Bailey likes her margaritas spicy!
• Bailey named her dog Charlie after Charlie Brown.

Bailey is the first contestant that we’ve already met at the Bachelorette finale last summer. She performed a little rhyme about her name to try to help him remember it.

Zach promptly forgot it not 90 seconds later.

As for this biography, I only have a couple of notes: between the “professional skydiver” thing and believing that The Bachelor is a great place to find “the one,” Bailey is clearly delusional.

Becca

Burbank, California
Nursing Student, 25

Becca is incredible. She is a nursing student who has always put others before herself and dedicates her life to helping people. She comes from a close-knit Mexican American family and was raised by her mom, who she says is the person she loves most in this world. When it comes to what she wants in a partner, Becca is looking for someone she has a natural chemistry with who isn’t afraid to be goofy sometimes. She is hoping to meet a man who is as loyal, honest and supportive as she is. Becca is here to find her perfect match and hopefully return home with Zach by her side.

Fun Facts:
• Being outdoors relaxes Becca.
• Becca is a sucker for forbidden romance novels.
• Becca wore a lot of beanies in high school and gave off a skater-girl vibe.

Becca is from a “close-knit” ethnic family so it looks like Kaley, the imaginary ABC publicity intern who I imagined wrote this, learned how to look up synonyms for “big, loving.”

As for everything else, I do enjoy that it says she “gave off a skater-girl vibe,” which is another way of saying she’s never stepped on a skateboard in her life and everyone called her a total poser in high school.

Brianna

Jersey City, New Jersey
Entrepreneur, 24

Brianna is a boss woman looking to add some love to her life! She is smart, entrepreneurial and creative, which lead to her owning a successful beauty company at just 24 years old. Brianna is giving She-E-O vibes! Now that her career is in such a good spot, she seems to have everything in place except for a man. Brianna is a woman of the world and even lived in Paris for a few years growing up. So, she is looking for a ride-or-die partner with whom she can travel to new places. Brianna has high expectations, but she’s truly hopeful that Zach could be the man for her!

Fun Facts:
• Brianna hopes to go cage diving with sharks one day.
• Brianna created her own language as a child.
• Brianna does not do “Netflix and chill.”

Brianna was another of the five women that Zach met at the finale, and after taking a cute selfie with him, she won the audience’s vote for the first rose.

Brianna is also a “woman of the world” which, again, means she already had a passport before being chosen for this show.

One last note: we can ban the term “She-E-O” for being the fucking worst? Because that’s what it is: the fucking worst. 

Brooklyn

Stillwater, Oklahoma
Rodeo Racer, 25

Brooklyn is a rodeo country girl ready to saddle up for the love story of a lifetime! At just 13 years old, Brooklyn discovered her passion for horse barrel racing and went on to study animal science. One day, she dreams of being a professional rodeo cowgirl and horse trainer. But now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she custom designs teeth for life-changing dental procedures. Zach, get ready to say cheese and show off those pearly whites! Brooklyn hasn’t had the easiest path when it comes to her relationship history, so she’s ready for a fresh start with the Bachelor. Will Zach be the perfect cowboy for this fun-loving cowgirl? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Brooklyn would love to be able to teleport.
• Brooklyn is a two-stepping pro.
• Brooklyn loves to start her day with a delicious breakfast burrito.

We also met Brooklyn at the Bachelorette finale, though we didn’t learn much about her at the time because most of what she said was bleeped. Red flag number one?

As for this bio: It’s probably unfair, and it certainly is not necessarily their fault, but anytime I see that a contestant “hasn’t had the easiest path” in relationships, it throws up a lot of red flags. Not as many as the descriptors: “sarcastic,” “brutally honest,” “blunt,” “bold,” “intimidating,” “big personality,” and “unapologetic.” But a rough relationship history by the time you are in your early 20s usually means one of two things: either you are the cause of multiple failed relationships because your personality is garbage or you have been broken by a series of bad relationships and you are in no condition to compete with 30 other people for love and validation.

Either way: RED FLAG.

Also, methinks that wish to be able to teleport is going to only grow stronger for this woman in the coming weeks.

Cara

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Corporate Recruiter, 27

Cara is as ambitious and driven as she is beautiful. She really has her life figured out, from her career to her social life, but there’s one major piece missing ― a husband. Cara has tried dating apps and being set up, but she is way more excited about this new, unique opportunity to find love with Zach. When she isn’t hustling in the office, she’s jamming out to Justin Bieber while walking around New York City. Cara is hoping to meet an ambitious and intelligent man and hopes she feels sparks flying with Zach!

Fun Facts:
• Nothing upsets Cara more than seeing garbage on the sidewalk.
• Cara loves Christmas music.
• Cara is not a good cook, but she is great at “assembling meals.”

No one “jams out” to Justin Bieber.

Cat

New York, New York
Dancer, 26

When it comes to living life to the fullest, Cat likes to just go for it! Cat is a free spirit who isn’t afraid to be silly and always tries to keep a positive attitude. Cat loves living in New York City, is passionate about dancing and enjoys a picnic in the park. Cheese and crackers in Central Park with Cat? Sounds like a dreamy one-on-one date to us! Cat is ready to find someone who accepts her for who she is and will make her a priority. Cat believes true love is within reach, and we hope she’s right!

Fun Facts:
• Cat LOVES hot dogs.
• Cat doesn’t do dinner dates.
• Cat was a sailing instructor in high school. She dreams of sailing around the world.

We also met Cat at the Bachelorette finale and from what I remember she came out screaming something at him about New York City. She’s terrifying.

Also, what does “doesn’t do dinner dates” even mean? I don’t care what we do on our date as long as dinner is definitely a part of it. YOU DAMN WELL BETTER FEED ME, CHUCKLES.

Charity

Columbus, Georgia
Child and Family Therapist, 26

It’s easy to see what makes Charity such a great catch! With a smile that lights up the room, a great career and a sweet personality to match, Charity is the total package! The Georgia beauty takes her name as a call to love and care for people and has built her life on that purpose. Charity is a mental health therapist and is extremely passionate about helping people live their best lives. Now, she is ready to receive the love she gives to so many others! Charity hopes her future husband is honest, loyal and shares similar morals. She says she is really excited to meet Zach and thinks the two of them could be a perfect match on paper. Time will tell if they’re also a perfect match in person!

Fun Facts:
• Charity’s all-time favorite movie is “The Notebook.”
• Charity wants to move to Disneyworld one day.
• Charity throws a mean ax.

Again, this probably isn’t fair, but “shares similar morals” is usually another way of saying “is very religious and will probably judge you.” Prove me wrong.

As for the rest of these “fun facts,” taken altogether — The Notebook, wants to live at Disneyworld, THROWS AN AX — this is the portrait of a serial killer.

Christina

Nashville, Tennessee
Content Creator, 26

Christina is ready for her perfect, fairytale love story! She is a mom to her amazing 5-year-old daughter, Blakely, who she lives to make happy. Since getting divorced, Christina has been searching for her perfect man but must be selective since she and her daughter are in this together. Christina is looking for a partner she can trust unconditionally and is open-minded to whatever life throws their way. Will Christina get the fairytale ending that she has always wanted with Zach? Only time will tell!

Fun Facts:
• Christina wants to learn how to hula dance.
• Christina considers herself a grandma to her daughter’s pet turtle.
• Christina’s favorite sport is CrossFit.

Christina is the last of the five contestants we met at the Bachelorette finale, and the most interesting thing about her is that she is the daughter of a Mandrell sister — Irlene, to be exact, who was known to be the “sexy, vain one” on Barbara Mandell and the Mandrell Sisters show in the 80s. (I loved this show.)

As for Christina herself, her entire personality seems to be based on her famous family — she was the only contestant who was introduced with her last name, if that tells you anything. And it should tell you everything.

That said, the only thing interesting about Zach Shallcross is his relation to a C-list actor, so who knows? Maybe this is a match made in Hollywood-adjacent.

Davia

Charleston, South Carolina
Marketing Manager, 25

Davia is a bold and strong woman who is ready for Mr. Right! While Davia’s life hasn’t always been easy, she’s always persevered and is ready to receive the love she has given to so many others in her life. Davia loves dancing, listening to Lizzo and reading romance novels like “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.” Davia is ready for marriage and wants it soon! She is looking for an honest man who will prioritize their relationship above all else. Hope you’re ready, Zach!

Fun Facts:
• No one has helped Davia through breakups more than Taylor Swift.
• Davia could live on oysters.
• Davia says she can out-burp anyone.

Davia, honey, no. Keep that to yourself, sugar.

Gabi

Pittsford, Vermont
Account Executive, 25

Gabi is ready to find the one! She comes from a very loving family, and her parents’ marriage has been the blueprint for the kind of love she hopes to find. Gabi wants an honest, outdoorsy man who will always put her first. While it may take a little time for Gabi to come out of her shell, once she does, Zach will learn that she’s adventurous, loyal and driven. Gabi is so ready for marriage that she even has her dream wedding venue picked out in Italy on Lake Como. Hope Zach is ready for a destination wedding!

Fun Facts:
• Gabi’s favorite Kardashian is Kris.
• Gabi loves to tailgate.
• Gabi hopes to own her own Pilates studio one day.

Red flag: Not only having a “favorite Kardashian,” but that “favorite Kardashian” is KRIS JENNER?

Genevie

Baltimore City, Maryland
Neonatal Nurse, 26

Genevie is definitely the full package, with a smile that lights up every room she walks into! Not only is she a registered nurse, but she’s hoping to be CEO of a hospital one day. Boss moves! When she’s not working, Genevie loves reading Colleen Hoover books, playing sports and spending time with her family. The Maryland native is looking for a loyal and adventurous man and only dates to find the real deal. When Genevie loves, she loves hard and is looking for the right partner to settle down with.

Fun Facts:
• Genevie fears animals that are larger than her.
• Genevie goes hard for the Baltimore Ravens.
• Genevie can drive a stick shift … kind of.

I have absolutely nothing to say about Genevie. This is the most bland bio yet.

Greer

Houston, Texas
Medical Sales Representative, 24

Greer is a bold, hilarious woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but took a risk and moved to New York City, where she loves living life to the fullest. Greer is loyal and confident and is looking for a partner who can keep up with her quick wit and big personality. She is a hopeless romantic and is a sucker for forehead kisses. Zach, take notes! Will Greer and Zach have the love story of a lifetime?

Fun Facts:
• Greer loves to shop at flea markets.
• Greer says she is never embarrassed.
• Greer can tell a lot about someone by their sushi order.

See my Red Flag list: “sarcastic,” “brutally honest,” “blunt,” “bold,” “intimidating,” “big personality,” and “unapologetic.”

Holland

Boca Raton, Florida
Insurance Marketer, 24

Holland is a spunky and confident woman who needs a man who can keep up with her energy! The top things Holland is looking for in a relationship are unwavering commitment, loyalty and a genuine personality. Oh, and he also MUST love wine and sushi. Hope you’re listening, Zach! Pilates and spending time at the beach in her home state of Florida are also important parts of Holland’s life, and it would be a huge plus if she could meet someone to enjoy her favorite things with her. Holland knows what she wants, and good luck to anyone who tries to stop her!

Fun Facts:
• Holland loves yachting with her girls.
• Holland does not function without air conditioning.
• Holland’s favorite TV show is “The Bachelor.”

“Knows what she wants and good luck to anyone who tries to stop her!” should probably be added to the Red Flag list. You add that with “yachting with her girls” and her favorite TV show being The Bachelor, and I am 90% certain we have found at least one of our villains this season.

Jess

Winter Springs, Florida
E-Commerce Coordinator, 23

Jess is a sweet soul from Orlando, Florida, who says Zach is her dream man! While Jess is one of the younger women, she is mature, knows what she wants in a partner and doesn’t want to settle for anything less than her soul mate. Jess describes herself as a hopeless romantic and is ready for her fairytale romance worthy of a Taylor Swift love song. Jess comes from a big Puerto Rican family and hopes Zach is ready for her to spice up his life. Jess hopes Zach is as excited about her as she is about him!

Fun Facts:
• Jess’ favorite date activity is playing with puppies.
• Jess doesn’t leave the house without sunscreen. Ever.
• Jess could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored.

Jess is from a big ethnic family — but no word if it’s loving. Stay tuned.

Kaity

Austin, Texas
ER Nurse, 27

Kaity is 100% wife material! The Canadian nurse is not only passionate about her career but she’s got a great sense of humor and is extremely down to earth. Kaity is looking for her forever Prince Charming and says, “I truly hope to find love. I have so much love to give to the right man.” Hopefully, Zach is the right man for her! Kaity can’t wait to start a family and said that if a man didn’t want kids, that would be a dealbreaker for her. Will Zach be the one to show this beauty that true love is out there? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Kaity grew up figure skating.
• Kaity isn’t afraid of sliding into the DMs.
• Kaity LOVES roller coasters. Like, looooves them.
• Kaity enjoys swimming but hates that sharks may be swimming underneath her.

Anyone looking for their “Prince Charming” over the age of 12 can not be taken seriously.

Katherine

Tampa, Florida
Registered Nurse, 26

Katherine is a vibrant go-getter with a witty sense of humor and a glass-half-full attitude. She loves spending time with her nieces and nephews and can’t wait to have a family of her own. Katherine’s career as a registered nurse is extremely important to her, but her No. 1 priority is to find her perfect match. Katherine’s dream man is loyal, trustworthy, a great communicator and, most importantly, her best friend. She is looking for a real man who will enhance her life, and she’s ready to put it all on the line to pursue love.

Fun Facts:
• People tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.
• Katherine doesn’t camp; she only glamps.
• Katherine could live off breakfast pastries.

OK, Katherine. Sure you do.

Kimberly

Los Angeles, California
Hospitality Manager, 30

Kimberly is not here to mess around! She was in a serious relationship that lasted six years, but she was ready for her forever, and her ex was not. Kimberly has been single for the past few years and doesn’t want just to date around. She is waiting for her perfect man. The Puerto Rican beauty’s ideal date night would include watching the sunset at the beach with a picnic dinner. Zach, save that idea for later! Kimberly is ready to find her husband and start a family of her own. She is excited about the chance to fall in love again and can’t wait for her “Bachelor” journey to begin!

Fun Facts:
• Kimberly loves to drink wine in her PJs.
• Kimberly can’t wait to be a mom one day.
• Kimberly’s favorite music is old-school hip-hop.

I am concerned that Kimberly is doing The Bachelor instead of therapy.

Kylee

Charlotte, North Carolina
Postpartum Nurse, 25

Kylee may best be known as an NBA dancer, but this girl has way more going on than just her killer dance moves and beautiful smile! Outside of her love of dancing, Kylee is a registered nurse who works in a postpartum unit. She is passionate about helping new mothers and can’t wait to have a baby of her own ASAP. She may only be 25, but Kylee is ready for the soccer mom life, so hopefully, Zach is on the same page! Kylee admits that she falls in love hard and fast, so time will tell if this hopeless romantic will be able to find her soul mate in Zach.

Fun Facts:
• You will never see Kylee with frizzy hair—Olaplex oil for life!
• Kylee likes her popcorn smothered in butter and mixed with M&Ms.
• Kylee’s celebrity crush is Jimmy Garroppolo.

Excuse me, is this an ad for shampoo? Did Olaplex pay ABC for this promotion?

Lekha

Miami, Florida
Financial Advisor, 29

Lekha is a woman of the world! She was born in Chennai, India, and moved to the United States at 7 years old. Since then, she’s lived in California, North Carolina, New York and Florida. It may take a little while for Lekha to come out of her shell, but her exuberant personality and top-notch belly dancing skills are worth the wait! Lekha is ready to find “the one,” and while her parent’s marriage was arranged, they are supportive of her journey to find love and happiness in her own way! Her close-knit family has her excited to start a family of her own. She can’t wait to meet Zach and says, “I want nothing more than to be a great mom and find my person to share a life with.”

Fun Facts:
• Massage is Lekha’s love language.
• Going to Stagecoach is on Lehka’s bucket list.
• Lehka’s biggest turn-on? Abs.

Lehka is another woman of the world, and as such, she has no business going to Stagecoach to exchange STIs with Bachelor in Paradise rejects. YOU ARE A WOMAN OF THE WORLD, LEHKA, ACT LIKE ONE.

Madison

Fargo, North Dakota
Business Owner, 26

Madison is ready to receive the love she gives to so many others! While growing up, Madison took on the role of caretaker for her two younger sisters. So, when it comes to her love life, her little sisters are part of a package deal, and Madison wouldn’t have it any other way! She hopes to meet an honest, empathetic, loyal man with a caring family. Madison has worked extremely hard to get to such a great place in life and says she is more than ready to find someone to share it with. She is serious about finding love on this journey, so Madison, let the journey begin.

Fun Facts:
• Madison was a Presidential Scholar in college.
• Madison dislikes ALL sauces.
• If Madison could have any superpower, it would be the power to pause time.

I just do not even understand what disliking ALL sauces even means, Madison. Do you not like sauces like Buffalo sauce? Are we talking about pasta sauces? Marinaras? Cream sauces? Do condiments count? What about a marinade? Salas? Are you just out here eating dry-ass foods? I need a definition of “sauce” here before I lose my mind.

Mercedes

Bloomfield, Iowa
Nonprofit Owner, 24

Mercedes is a fun-loving, bubbly woman ready to spread her wings! She has four jobs and works extremely hard to support herself, but she is ready to prioritize finding her perfect match. Mercedes is very close with her mother and will definitely be looking for her approval the next time she brings home a man! Mercedes has been in two serious relationships, but both ended because she knew those men weren’t her person. While Mercedes loves a night out on the town in Nashville, she also enjoys staying in and cuddling with her dog. She says she’s looking for a man who will make her laugh and is someone she can bring to family dinner on Sundays. Mercedes says her love language is giving and receiving gifts, so hopefully, Zach is ready to be showered with tokens of her love!

Fun Facts:
• Mercedes’ hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair.
• Mercedes loves to drive around with the windows down, blasting country music.
• Mercedes would rather order in than cook.

WELL, WHICH IS IT, MERCEDES? DO YOU LIVE IN NASHVILLE OR IOWA?

Olivia L.

Rochester, New York
Patient Care Technician, 24

For Olivia L., basketball has always come easy. The one game she’s yet to win is Oliva vs. True Love, and this baller is here to find her teammate for LIFE! While basketball was her first love, she’s built a life outside of her sport, working full-time in healthcare, and has her dreams set on helping others as a physician assistant. Olivia has traveled to almost every state in the U.S. but still hasn’t met her perfect match. She is looking forward to meeting Zach and is hoping to find a relationship that will stand the test of time.

Fun Facts:
• Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.
• Olivia will yell at people who litter.
• Olivia comes from a family of jet-skiing enthusiasts.

The words “jet-skiing enthusiasts” is one of the funniest things I have ever seen written in the English language.

Olivia M.

Cincinnati, Ohio
Stylist, 25

Born and raised in a small town with a loving family, Olivia M. is looking for the love of her life! She may be a city-slicker now, but Olivia will always be a small-town girl at heart. She studied fashion and has a passion for all things style and design. Zach, get your suit ready! When she’s not working hard at her career, Olivia loves going to hot yoga, trying new restaurants and cuddling up on the couch to binge-watch TV. Olivia is hoping to meet a loyal, loving and driven man. Will Zach be her prince charming?

Fun Facts:
• Olivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.
• Olivia loves to read and has color-coded her bookshelf.
• Olivia loves carbs.

Everyone loves carbs, Olivia M. This does not make you unique.

Sonia

Long Island, New York
Project Manager, 29

Sonia is the life of the party! This outgoing Long Island girl is ready to settle down and put her dating days behind her. After multiple serious relationships, Sonia knows she’s ready for marriage and hopes Zach is her future husband! She says she’s looking for a head-over-heels kind of love and truly believes her soul mate is out there. Sonia is extremely close with her family and hopes her future partner is as family-oriented as she is. And while she’s a city girl, for now, Sonia is hoping to move to the suburbs one day with her man and raise three golden retrievers. Hopefully, Zach is ready to be a dog dad!

Fun Facts:
• Sonia has been bungee jumping. Twice.
• Sonia never says “no” to a game of truth or dare.
• Sonia is obsessed with Elvis.
• Sonia dreams of taking a trip to Arizona.

Genuinely, and I am not trying to be mean, but dreaming about going to Arizona is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. 

Vanessa

Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Restaurant Marketer, 23

Vanessa is ready to say goodbye to the single life! She is so excited to meet Zach and hopes he’s the loyal, charismatic man she’s been looking for. Vanessa works in marketing and strives to be as successful as marketing genius Kris Jenner one day. We love a girl that dreams big! And while she’s passionate about her work, Vanessa’s priority right now is finding her life partner. She considers herself a top-notch foodie, so hopefully, Zach is hungry for good food and a good time! Will this be the end of Vanessa’s search for love? Fingers crossed!

Fun Facts:
• Growing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.
• Vanessa LOVES cherries.
• Vanessa’s dream duet partner is Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.

First of all, what is with all of the Kris Jenner love with this cast?

Second, “playing a lot of freeze tag” is one of the strangest things to say about one’s childhood that I’ve ever seen. LIke … how much is “a lot” of freeze tag? Are we talking daily freeze tag? Daily freeze tag for years? I need some parameters for what “a lot” means here.

But third, “playing a lot of freeze tag” may not be as strange as having a thing for Barry Gibb as a 23-year-old woman in the year of Our Lord 2023. 

Vanessa is an enigma. 

Victoria J.

Fort Worth, Texas
Makeup Artist, 30

This Texas native is the full package! Ambitious and resilient, Victoria J. is ready to live life to the fullest! She is determined to take chances to finally find the true love she’s been searching for. Her parents have been married for over 40 years, and Victoria has her heart set on finding a love like theirs. Victoria is looking for a mature man who will be there for her in good times and bad. She is looking forward to meeting Zach because she knows he’s as ready for lifelong love as much as she is!

Fun Facts:
• Victoria has a degree in dance performance.
• Victoria doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson.
• Victoria’s music taste is stuck in 2007. Emo-punk music for life!
• Victoria isn’t made for the cold but says she looks super cute in a ski suit.

Contemplating a future of Avril Lavigne and Fall Out Boy is reason enough to eliminate Victoria on the first night.

Viktoria E.

Vienna, Austria
Nanny, 29

Viktoria E. is a beautiful, positive woman whose striking looks are only a small part of her story. She was born and raised in Austria but moved to the United States by herself in 2013. Viktoria currently lives in New York City, where she loves being the life of the party and is always up for a new adventure. She is a natural caregiver and is passionate about working with children, so she can’t wait to have a family of her own! Viktoria enjoys listening to country music and dreams of visiting Hawaii one day. We can’t wait to see if Zach is the loving match Viktoria is looking for!

Fun Facts:
• Viktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.
• Viktoria lives for cheesy Christmas movies.
• Viktoria loves to listen to Norah Jones and paint.

First of all, Viktoria was born in Austria, and yet she’s not a “woman of the world?” What does being a “woman of the world” require, exactly?

But second, how often does the issue of having to eat blue tortilla chips come up in Viktoria’s life that she feels the need to be VERY CLEAR that she WILL NOT? Is the threat of blue tortilla chips an ongoing crisis for Viktoria? Or was she just so traumatized by the idea of a blue tortilla chip that it is the first thing she mentions about herself? Show us where the blue tortilla chip hurt you, Viktoria.

Alright. That’s it. I’ll see you on the other side of tonight’s premiere, probably a little hungover from all the box wine.

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.