The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Defining Women”
June 30, 2021
Our episode begins with a quick montage of Women Doing Things: Kyle and Crystal collecting toys for the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles; Dorit and Her Insufferable Husband talking about his upcoming trip to London; Rinna doing some live feed for Project Angel Food.
And then there are Sutton and Erika who go to a cryotherapy spa. Sutton explains that she’s rented out the entire spa so that she and Erika don’t have to wear their masks, which is very considerate to production. What I’m saying is that I suspect that came out of Evolution Media’s budget, not Sutton’s.
In any event. Sutton breaks out all the snacks she brought along for Erika: chips, candy, and champagne, and honestly, y’all, this was the first time I’ve ever actually kinda wanted to be friends with Sutton. Of course, if the snacks require me to get into a cryotherapy chamber at -111° for three minutes, I can buy my own chips, candy, and champagne, thankyouverymuch.
The women also discuss Erika’s impending divorce in the sauna, Sutton asking Erika if she’s mad at Tom Girardi for not coming to New York to see her in Chicago. Erika sadly admits that yes, of course she is, it hurt her deeply. Sutton asks Erika if she thinks Tom Girardi regrets not coming to see her, and Erika flatly replies that he does not. Erika then huffs in an interview that Tom Girardi not coming to see her in Chicago was very painful and then she was forced to go out on Watch What Happens Live and defend it. Sutton just can’t wrap her head around why Tom Girardi wouldn’t go to New York for just 24 hours to see her, and Erika reminds us in another talking head that her marriage isn’t like Mauricio and Kyle’s or Dorit’s and Her Insufferable Husband’s.
1. No shit.
2. SHE IS NOT DIVORCING TOM GIRARDI FOR NOT COMING TO SEE HER IN CHICAGO, SUTTON.
Erika goes on to talk about how her four months in New York taught her that she can live on her own and be OK, and how she knows she’s going to be OK when all of this is said and done. With that, she tells Sutton she’s had a lovely day and calls Sutton “one of the most kind-hearted people” in her life.
Over at Crystal’s house, she’s working out with a personal trainer and talking about her body issues some more. At some point, Crystal’s daughter Zoe comes outside, refuses to work out with her, tantrums, and calls everyone stupid.
Crystal describes Zoe as a “mini-Crystal” and explains that she’s trying to “guide” her rather than use strict discipline with her.
How’s that working out?
At her house, Garcelle chats with her sons about the prospect of her marrying again one day down the line, and one of the twins is AGAINST it.
Also, Kyle the Goldfish died.
R.I.P. Kyle the Goldfish.
Erika has another outing: this time with Rinna. Erika picks Rinna up in her new Range Rover, and soon, Rinna is asking Erika about some gossip she heard regarding Tom Girardi being seen out on the town with some blonde 60-year-old woman, but Erika denies knowing anything about all that.
But if we’re on the subject of gossip, Rinna says, let’s address the Scott Disick news. Yes, her 19-year-old daughter Amelia is dating the Kardashian-hanger-on 37-year-old father of three with substance abuse issues. Rinna claims it’s news to her: Amelia had just assured her in Tahoe that they were only friends, but then these pictures of the two of them on the beach together just came out and, yeah, there’s a relationship happening there.
Gross. So very gross.
Erika asks what Harry Hamlin thinks about all this, and Rinna claims he’s “calm” about it, having been the younger man in his first marriage back in the day. Erika’s like, “Yeah, don’t ask me, I married a man 33 years my senior, so I’m in no place to judge.” Rinna then asks if she should reach out to Kris Jenner, and claims that she’s done nothing about the situation, because she “doesn’t want to bring attention to it.”
You know, other than discuss it repeatedly on national television.
Rinna and Erika eventually arrive at their destination, a tchotchke store so that Erika can buy some Christmas decorations for her new rental home. Erika has a sad about Santa bringing her a divorce for Christmas this year, and Rinna reveals that she won’t be able to spend the holidays with Lois this year, which is genuinely very upsetting. Fuck COVID.
At Kyle’s house, she and Mauricio prepare dinner, discuss how Sophia will be coming home from college in a week, and plan for Portia’s upcoming bat mitzvah. Thanks to the pandemic, Portia hasn’t been able to go to any of her friends’ bat and bar mitzvahs, and she hasn’t set foot on the campus of her new school. Fuck COVID.
Kyle surreptitiously takes a phone call, and explains that she’s planned a special surprise for Portia because she deserves a little happiness. As they put the food on the table, Alexia joins them, but then Mauricio directs Portia’s attention to the backyard, where Sophia is walking up. Surprise! She’s come home early. Portia begins screaming and sobbing like someone is murdering her, she’s so happy to see her older sister. It’s very, very sweet. However, thanks to COVID, they can’t actually hug each other until after Sophia isolates for a few days. Seriously, fuck COVID.
Meanwhile, Dorit hangs a giant portrait of herself in her house, because of course she does.
Dorit with the Lu energy #RHOBH pic.twitter.com/brHQeGaD55
— Joe ✨ (@JoeWritesThings) July 1, 2021
Finally, Kyle has arranged a cocktail party for the ladies at a hotel in Santa Monica, because apparently the global pandemic has curtailed the number of bullshit public relations events these ladies can attend under the pretense of hanging out together.
There’s a WHOLE LOT of people getting made up and picking each other up at their homes and driving to Santa Monica and none of it, not one bit of it is worth your time … EXCEPT this look that Crystal’s housekeeper Lucy gives her when Crystal, taking a brownie, claims that she “never eats.”
Give Lucy her own show.
In their car, Sutton and Kyle discuss the ongoing tension between Sutton and Crystal, and Sutton tells Kyle that she hasn’t seen Crystal’s sense of humor yet, “but I’ve seen those tits.” POINTS TO SUTTON.
Everyone begins arriving at the hotel: Crystal and Kathy arrive first, trailed by Dorit who is wearing this absolutely absurd getup:
There is no one more insecure than a person who mistakes labels for fashion. I’m genuinely so embarrassed for her.
Garcelle, Kyle, and Sutton arrive, followed by Rinna and Erika. Over appetizers, Rinna brings up Scott Disick, again, and wonders if she has to refer to him as “Lord” Scott Disick. (And I had to look this up because I don’t watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but apparently, in a 2012 episode, Scott Disick bought himself a piece of property in the U.K. and purchased an online knighting ceremony, and then went on to create a 2013 web series called Lord Disick: Lifestyles of a Lord, and everything about all of this is why I don’t watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians.)
The other women flatly pronounce that they simply would not allow their daughters to date a 37-year-old father of three, but Dorit is confused: mazel tov or no? When everyone yells, “NO!” And Kathy Hilton asks, “isn’t that Merry Christmas?”
Y’all, Kathy Hilton thinks “mazel tov” means “Merry Christmas.”
HOW? HOW IS KATHY HILTON A 62-YEAR-OLD WOMAN LIVING IN BEVERLY HILLS, WITH A SISTER WHO CONVERTED TO JUDAISM, HOW DOES SHE NOT ONLY NOT KNOW WHAT “MAZEL TOV” MEANS, BUT ACTUALLY THINK IT MEANS “MERRY CHRISTMAS?” CHRISTMAS? CHRISTMAS?!?!?
Kyle, meanwhile, is over here advising Rinna to tell Amelia to “not be the cow who buys the milk for free.”
Garcelle has a more positive spin on this situation, noting that the best thing that happened to her troubled older son was falling in love with a woman who already had three small children. When he told Garcelle that this woman was pregnant with his child, Garcelle was convinced he’d sabotaged his life. Instead, it gave him purpose and turned his life around, and now she’s a grandmother to all four children. This is genuinely lovely.
As they go sit down for lunch, Kyle tells a story about how Mauricio’s Jewish grandmother wouldn’t even acknowledge her when they were dating because she wasn’t Jewish, not until Kyle wrote her a long letter telling the grandmother that no one will ever love or treat her grandson better. This is also very sweet and completely believable.
Sutton changes the conversation, informing everyone that Garcelle is currently dating three men at once. Garcelle clarifies that her matchmaker made her sign up on Bumble, and try online dating. Again, what part of “matchmaking” does this woman actually do? I am capable of telling people to sign up to Bumble and date multiple people at once and I bet I’d charge a lot less.
As they are discussing relationships, Kathy Hilton declares that “nothing lasts forever,” prompting Sutton to sing out the word “FOREVER!” In response, Kathy Hilton says, “That’s cute, Thomasina,” and everyone is like, “Thomasina?” And Kathy Hilton is like, “Yes, like ‘Peeping Thomasina.’ You know, like ‘peeping Tom.'”
Kyle then explains that Kathy Hilton had been away for a while, so she filled her in on what was going on between Sutton and Crystal and the whole Tahoe mess, adding that the word “violated” is really strong and has sexual connotations.
Crystal argues that she was naked and she felt uncomfortable, but that she was not making the situation “sexual.”
We then get into an argument about definitions. Crystal goes on to argue that the word “Violation” means:
- Not respecting personal space
- Violation of privacy (Rinna actually says this)
- To abuse your privacy
- A disrespect of boundaries
GOOGLE IT, Crystal demands.
Oh! OK! I will!
Huh.
Sutton points out that she didn’t feel “violated” when Kathy Hilton walked in on her half-naked in Tahoe: It’s a girl’s trip. Shit happens.
Garcelle posits that a violation has to be an intentional act: Sutton walking in on her naked by accident can’t be a “violation.” And Erika agrees, adding in an interview that Sutton is a “good Southern girl” who is thoughtful and generous and would never deliberately do anything harmful.
The women continue to argue with Crystal that “violation” is just a really strong word, but she’s like, “NOPE. STICKING WITH IT.”
And Crystal goes on to tell her version of events which is completely contradicted by the video footage, making it sound like Sutton barged in without knocking and then just hung around the room making Crystal uncomfortable in her nakedness. The footage clearly shows that Sutton knocks, comes in with the coat, immediately sees that Crystal is undressed, says, “I don’t know what’s going on in here but I’m just going to bring you your coat,” and hurries back out of the room. IT IS ON VIDEO. WE HAVE ALL SEEN IT LIKE 15 TIMES NOW.
Sutton tries to defend herself, saying she knocked, she heard Crystal talking, she thought she heard her say, “come in,” she did not say anything creepy, and now she’s becoming angry. Crystal first says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, before openly laughing in Sutton’s face.
Sutton insists that she’s not in a bad place right now: she’s not sad, she’s not moving … to which Crystal quips, “you moved a long time ago.”
Sutton is now fully pissed and explains that she moved two weeks before Tahoe and she has already apologized for her behavior. As such, she is not going to sit here and let Crystal make her out to be some weirdo because it’s not what happened, and Crystal knows it.
Crystal insists that she’s just telling the women what happened, and argues that she never implied that Sutton came in to do anything weird, right?
But Dorit is over here, like “Nope.” Dorit then, with the backup of more video evidence, argues that Crystal’s first story was that Sutton was behaving in a creepy way, and now is trying to argue she never claimed Sutton had bad intentions. The story has changed!
Kathy Hilton takes charge, arguing that look, we’re all under stress. And this was the first time that Crystal had been away from her husband and children in months. Kathy Hilton herself was scared! But she had her sister there, and her friends Rinna, and Erika, and her “English girl,” … meaning Dorit. When everyone corrects her, that Dorit is from Connecticut, Kathy Hilton’s response is PERFECT:
Kathy Hilton then goes on to say that Sutton is lovely, and not shady, and this is all just a dangerous game of telephone.
Except it’s not? In the game of telephone, a person whispers a message to the next person who whispers it to the next and so on, and when the final person reveals the message, it’s changed over time, revealing the dangers of gossip, right? But in this metaphor, the person who delivered the first message in the telephone game, Crystal herself, she’s sitting right there, and everyone is hearing her message at the same time. No one’s changed it but maybe Crystal herself.
Sutton then, reasonably, explains that she knows she’s a little “off” but that it’s going to take her a minute to get over Crystal claiming she “violated” her. If Crystal could just stop using that word …
But Crystal is like, “NOPE. I’m not backing down from that word. There’s nothing left to say about it.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.
I still miss Wendy Williams.