‘The Bachelor’: Are you trying to cry?

The Bachelor
February 21, 2022

We left the last episode under the threat that it will “TO BE CONTINUED,” and, in fact, we pick up exactly where we left off: with Tony the Tiger marching back to the hotel to rub it in the other women’s faces that she did receive a rose from Clayton despite the best efforts of SOMEONE to get her eliminated. It obviously didn’t work AND KARMA IS A BITCH.

When she enters with the rose, the women are visibly disappointed, Marinara most of all. Tony the Tiger then makes it known that someone among them tried to sabotage her relationship with Clayton by telling him she wasn’t ready for marriage. Marinara, to her credit, is like, “Bitch, it was me. And I’d do it again.”

Tony the Tiger is all, “Well, that’s funny, because he said that telling him that I wasn’t ready was the last-ditch effort of someone who is going home tomorrow, so sleep well!”

The next evening is the rose ceremony, and Clayton asks That Snitch Serene to talk first so that he can give her a jar filled with fairy lights that some production assistant put together earlier in the day. It’s a callback to a story she told him about her dead cousin and fireflies, and she is very touched by this gesture.

Elsewhere, he tells Hannah Brown, Jr. that he can’t stop smiling since she told him that she’s falling in love with him; Teddy Bear assures him that she’s ready for him to meet her family; and Pilot Rachel tells him that he “shocks [her] every week.”

Oh, honey, just wait.


While all of these conversations are happening, Marinara asks to speak to Tony the Tiger privately, where she tells her that she’s coming off overly confident and insensitive to the other women. Additionally, that dig she made the night before about what Marinara did being the “last-ditch effort of someone going home,” was “insensitive and ignorant.” Marinara continues to berate Tony the Tiger for acting as if she has the whole thing in the bag, and warns her that she’s pissing off the other women.

Now, this appears to be news to both Tony the Tiger and the audience, but more on that later.

And then suddenly it’s time to hand out roses:

Rose #1: Hannah Brown Jr.
Rose #2: That Snitch Serene
Rose #3: Bachelor Groupie
Rose #4: Cake Girl

This means the lovely German Sausage and — as Tony the Tiger predicted — Marinara are headed home.

Next stop: Vienna, Austria. The women wander around town for a bit, gasp over a flower stand, and drink beer — which seems unlikely with this crowd who FOR SURE are counting their carbs. When they return to their hotel the first date card is delivered: “Hannah Brown, Jr.: Falling in love with you feels like a fairy tale. Love, Clayton.”

Hannah Brown, Jr. meets Clayton outside the hotel where they are picked up in a Bentley; but only after the car receives along, loving, slow-mo introduction.

And we spend a good solid two seconds on this shot:

Which … what the hell is this?

Anyway. It’s the Pretty Woman date — the one where the Bachelor takes the woman on a shopping spree for the explicit purpose of sending her back to the hotel with a ton of bags and dresses and shoes to make the other women seethe with jealousy. And if it inspires a few catfights?

And just to dig the dagger a little deeper, after Hannah Brown, Jr. returns with her bags and Louboutins, a butler enters the suite to deliver to her a red ballgown.

That night for fake dinner, Clayton meets Hannah Brown Jr. at Schönbrunn Palace. There, Clayton tells her how much he appreciated how humble and genuinely delighted she was all day, and Hanna Brown, Jr. claims that she was almost uncomfortable since it is so different from her day-to-day life. No man has ever treated her like this (because this is not a realistic second date FOR ANYONE) and she feels like she’s not deserving of all this fuss.

They talk about her father for a bit, and Clayton offers her the date rose. They then go into a ballroom where OH MY ACTUAL GOD, Chris De Burgh is waiting for them, playing “Lady in Red.”


Back at the hotel, the women receive the group date card: “Tony the Tiger; Teddy Bear; Cake Girl; Pilot Rachel; Bachelor Groupie: How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved. — Sigmund Freud.”

Which means: That Snitch Serene gets the final one-on-one date before The Dreaded Hometowns, and Cake Girl, for one, is upset, not having had a real one-on-one.

The next day, the women are brought to some lovely building where they meet Clayton and some actress lady who claims to be a psychotherapist. Dr. Definitely Not An Actress Why Would You Say That? goes on to explain that because they are in the hometown of one Dr. Sigmund Freud, they are each going to do a couple’s therapy with Clayton. Despite, you know, not being in a couple with him.

Everything about this just makes good sense and seems very ethical!

And in fact, it’s not “couple’s therapy” in the sense that they go in and talk about their relationships … because they can’t … because their relationships don’t exist. Instead, it’s more of a one-on-one therapy session with each of the women while Clayton sits nearby. Again, everything about this makes sense and seems very ethical.

Clayton and Bachelor Groupie are first, where she discusses her issues with her mother and her non-relationship with her father, and how she needs a strong stable relationship to be happy.

In her session, Teddy Bear claims that she has been more open in this relationship than any other and that her feelings for Clayton are very strong despite it being so early.

And then Cake Girl, who admitted to the other women ahead of her session that she avoids therapy because she “doesn’t like to cry,” goes in and is like, “Look, I don’t like to talk about feelings, I don’t want to cry in front of any of you people, and I’m pretty sure I can’t open myself up enough to introduce you to my parents. In fact, I don’t know what I’m doing here, and maybe I should just go home.”

And Clayton is all, “You go home now.”

Bye, Cake Girl. Thanks for getting Monster Truck Villain eliminated.

Clayton returns to the other women and is like, “Me send Cake Girl home. ME VERY SERIOUS. THIS SERIOUS BUSINESS.”

He then has a session with Pilot Rachel who discusses her insecurities and fears of losing Clayton.

Finally, it’s Tony the Tiger’s turn, but not before she announces to the other women that she JUST LOVES therapy and loves TALKING ABOUT HERSELF! and YAY THERAPY!

The first thing Tony the Tiger does in her session is to profusely thank Dr. Definitely Not An Actress, and assure her that therapy is a big part of her life, and she takes every opportunity to try to be better. Tony the Tiger then whines about how the other women are targeting her after she received the second one-on-one date, and, tearing up, she insists that it’s been really hard to be so insulted by the others.

Meanwhile, out in the lobby, for the first time on camera, the other women are discussing what an asshole Tony the Tiger has been towards them, smug about her relationship with Clayton and basically acting like she has the whole thing sewn up.

After everyone has had their session, Dr. Definitely Not An Actress thanks all of the women for being vulnerable and open. She then tells Clayton that some women were honest, but others weren’t so honest and some were even “performative.”

That night at the cocktail party, Clayton takes Pilot Rachel aside first to ask her who she thought Dr. Definitely Not An Actress was saying was “performative,” and Pilot Rachel is like, “Tony the Tiger.”

So Clayton takes Bachelor Groupie aside next, and is like, “Who performative?” and Bachelor Groupie is like, “Tony the Tiger.”

He takes Teddy Bear aside next and asks her the same question, and she’s like, “Oh, Tony the Tiger, one hundred percent.”

Clayton sighs, “Me have talk to Tony Tiger now. Me have to figure out.”

He sits her down and tells her, “Me shocked to hear someone be performative. Ladies say it you. Ladies say you act like asshole. Ladies say you make them want go home.”

Tony the Tiger insists that she’s being thrown under the bus by the other women and SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHY. She then scrunches her face, sniffles a bit, and wills with all her might that tears come out. But there’s … nothing.

After a few moments of literally the worst fake crying I’ve ever seen — and I’m a mother, I have raised children, I know from fake crying — Clayton is like, “YOU NO CRY. YOU FAKE CRY. YOU TRY FOOL CLAYTON.”

Tony the Tiger insists that it’s because after the difficulties of the past week, she “honestly has no tears left.” But Clayton is not buying it. “No, you no cry. You no fool Clayton. Tony Tiger go home now. Me walk you out.”

Bye, Tony the Tiger. Better work on your fake crying game before Paradise, because those bitches BRING THE TEARS.

Clayton returns to the other women and announces, “CLAYTON NO GIVE ROSE. CLAYTON CONFUSED.”

The next day, Clayton has his one-on-one date with That Snitch Serene, and having spent their entire date budget on Hannah Brown, Jr.’s date, their date consists of them taking a carriage ride, eating some street chestnuts, dancing with some Austrians in a square, and then later having fake dinner where she talks about how she dated her high school boyfriend for entirely too long. They make out under every freshman co-ed’s favorite dorm decoration: Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss,” and he offers her the date rose.

Finally, it’s rose ceremony time:

Rose #1: Pilot Rachel
Rose #2: Bachelor Groupie

So goodbye, Teddy Bear. You seemed very nice, but our boy has his eyes on The Dreaded Hometowns Fantasy Suites and you blew up your spot with that virginity revelation.

(It’s true, though.)

On to the dreaded hometowns.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Clayton:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.


One thought on “‘The Bachelor’: Are you trying to cry?

  1. I’m surprised you didn’t offer genuine kudos to Genevieve for resusing to “be vulnerable” (how did that suddenly become such a top criteria for a B candidate????) and fake cry or real cry for millions of viewers just to get the ” cherished *cough* rose. I thought she was amazingly brave and strong to do so.

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