‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Time to clean the beach

Bachelor in Paradise
October 5, 2021

The final episode begins at the prom, where Porn Stache has just dumped Little Miss Nice, having told her not 24 hours earlier that he was in love with her. Understandably shocked by this sudden turn of events, Little Miss Nice hid in the bathroom for a while before coming back out and being like, “Bitch, I was planning on telling you tonight that I was in love with you, but you went and ruined all that. You’re right about one thing: you’re not my person.”

With that, Porn Stache puts himself in the Ve a Casa Ahora van and drives away, leaving Little Miss Nice with the job of telling everyone what just happened. What a pendejo move.

“Porn Stache” = Noah (Clare & Tayshia’s season)

Little Miss Nice returns to the prom and tearfully explains to a SHOCKED! and STUNNED! crowd that Porn Stache just dumped her and they’re both going home. No one can quite wrap their heads around this: if Porn Stache and Little Miss Nice, who had no chemistry and didn’t have five words to say to each other and were constantly questioning the status of their relationship, couldn’t make it, what chance do any of them have?

Little Miss Nice then puts herself in another Ve a Casa Ahora SUV and drives off to the airport.

“Little Miss Nice” = Abigail (Matt James’ season)


So of course All-4-Wells announces there will be no cocktail party and therefore no conversations. 

And before we start handing out roses, can we talk about how sweaty Half-Witted Villain is in this moment? Did he walk through a sprinkler? Did he decide to go for a dip in the ocean fully clothed? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE THIS MAN A BOTTLE OF WATER?

Anyway, hand out those roses, boys.

Grocery Joe: Queen’s Gambit
Groany: Nip/Tuck
Old Naked Guy: Pageant Reina
Half-Witted Villain: Bachelorette Becca
James-in-a-Box: TEETH
Aggro: Sooey, Jr.
Bubble Boy: Mom Jeans

This means The Model and poor, cursed Come Hither will be heading home.

Sorry, ladies. You both got a raw deal in Paradise in your own unique ways.

The next morning, All-4-Wells calls everyone into the Breakup Palapa for “a big announcement.” That “big announcement” is that Kewpie Doll and Miss North Carolina are there to tell them that Paradise is over, Fantasy Suites are that night, and everyone has some serious thinking to do: namely, do they really want to bone the person they are ostensibly paired up with or nah?

The producers then send the men and women into their separate corners to THINK HARD. And also, so they could control how they filmed each couple’s conversation.

First to chat are Old Naked Guy and Pageant Reina who quickly agree that yes, they would like to very much make the sex someplace other than the room where Old Naked Guy made the sex with someone else like 8 days ago.

Half-Witted Villain takes Bachelorette Becca aside and tells her that he feels strongly that they have something special and he’s anxious to explore it further. But Bachelorette Becca is like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA. I’ve done this twice before and it didn’t work out either time. Taking this further just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Half-Witted Villain begins “crying.” Or rather, he makes a face that approximates crying.

Half-Witted Villain runs off, and Bachelorette Becca chases after him, only to have him demand that she JUST LET HIM GO!

They both load up in their separate Ve a Casa Ahora SUVs, and Bachelorette Becca is all, “Damn … wait … what if I just made a huge mistake?”


Bubble Boy discusses going to the Fantasy Suite with Mom Jeans, who did not want to go on her date with him in the first damn place, and is certainly not interested in going to a Fantasy Suite with him now. But Bubble Boy is persistent and like, “But maybe?” and she’s like, “Nope.” And he’s like, “Are you sure?” and she’s like, “100%.” And he’s like “But do you want to think it over with your pants off in the Fantasy Suite?” and she’s like, “I need you to get this through your helmet of hair: I am not going anywhere with you.”

Next is James-in-a Box who has to break it to TEETH that he does not see them falling in love and getting engaged in the next 24 hours, and therefore, they probably shouldn’t go to the Fantasy Suite together.

“TEETH” = Anna (Pilot Peter’s season)

But James-in-a-Box isn’t leaving Paradise alone. He heads back to the men’s palapa and asks Aggro if he’ll leave Paradise with him, and Aggro is like, “LET’S DO IT! Just let me dump Sooey on her ass, and I’ll be ready to go.”

Aggro heads over to the women’s palapa, and asks to talk to Sooey, but doesn’t even take her out to the beach for a private conversation. No, this asshole is so eager to leave Paradise with his one true love, that he dumps her then and there in the hallway of the breakup palapa.

Groany and Nip/Tuck are next and agree that they, too, would like to have the sex someplace other than the Boom Boom Room with its Old Naked Guy funk.

And finally, Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit also agree that yes, in fact, they would like to spend one night away from this crab-filled hell hole.

So, for those of you keeping count, that means we have three couples who survived Paradise and are headed to the Fantasy Suites:

Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit:

Groany McBad Joke, Esq and Nip/Tuck:

And Pageant Reina and Old Naked Guy:

The three couples depart for their Fantasy Suites, and honestly, there’s not much to say about these dates. There’s a lot of marveling at how fancy the suites are … 

… and then some conversations about the future and what it will be like outside of Paradise, and then they get down to Fantasy Suiting.

Before we move on I do want to acknowledge Groany, who unlike the other two monosyllabic grunters left at this point, actually delivers a beautiful spiel to Nip/Tuck about a dream he’s had since he was in his early twenties. It involves a Sunday morning, his wife sleeping in, and him making breakfast for their child. He ends by telling Nip/Tuck that when he sees her, he sees Sunday morning, and for the first time this entire season, the black ice cube that is my heart might have melted a little.

So imagine Nip/Tuck’s and my surprise when in the morning, as Groany takes his leave from Nip/Tuck to go get ready for a proposal, he tells her he is going to “think some more today,” leaving us VERY UNCERTAIN ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS. WHAT HAPPENED TO SUNDAY MORNINGS, GROANY? YOU HAD BEST NOT BE ABOUT TO PULL A PORN STACHE ON US AFTER YOU MADE US HAVE HUMAN FEELINGS.

So we return to Paradise, and first on the Proposal Plataforma are Old Naked Guy and Pageant Reina. Despite being worried that she’s only 25 and hasn’t lived enough to get engaged (and exactly no worries about what actually alarms me — their 15-year age difference), he tells her he’s “so fucking in love” with her before proposing. She accepts, they offer each other their final roses, and then they celebrate their intention to one day marry each other despite the fact that he slept with someone else two weeks ago. Mazel.

Next up is Groany and Nip/Tuck. On the Proposal Plataforma, Nip/Tuck tells Groany that he makes her feel secure, and protected and that she’s in love with him. And despite his little anxiety-inducing stunt earlier that morning, Groany tells her that he’s loved her since their first date and proposes. She happily accepts. I am genuinely very happy for these two.

Finally, it’s Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit’s turn, which I thought was a weird choice to have them go last since Groany and Nip/Tuck were the only couple that had some cloud of doubt hanging over them. But that’s because as cynical as I am, I will never be as cynical as a Bachelor producer.

So Grocery Joe is standing there waiting for Queen’s Gambit on that Proposal Plataforma, when out comes Taxiderpy, who apparently has just been hanging out at the resort for the past week.

Taxiderpy joins Grocery Joe on the Proposal Plataforma where she tells him that she came to Paradise to move on from him and start new relationships, but that’s not what happened. But also, she needed to come to Paradise to finally let him go? Something about him being an amazing person and how she’s excited for him and Queen’s Gambit. Also, she’ll always love him.

They hug, she leaves, the end.

So then the producers send Queen’s Gambit out. She tells Grocery Joe that she had been cynical about love, but then she met him, and he was so patient and understanding with her, and he makes her optimistic about the future.

Grocery Joe is like, “OK, but Taxiderpy just showed up a minute ago.” And Queen’s Gambit’s response? She asks him if he’s OK.

I mean, genuinely, Queen’s Gambit is a pure soul. Had the man who was supposed to propose to me told me that his ex had just crashed my proposal, “I’M GONNA KILL A BITCH,” would have been the first words to come flying out of my mouth.

Grocery Joe assures her that not only is he OK, but that it was good to see Taxixderpy because it made him even more confident in how much he loves Queen’s Gambit. The way Queen’s Gambit has navigated all of the speed bumps they faced together showed him what kind of person she is. He’s not scared of the future as long as it’s with her. And with that, he proposes and she accepts and all three couples drink a bunch of champagne.

But we’re still not done yet because we get updates from some of the other ding-a-lings who were less successful in Paradise:

Jams-in-a-Box and Aggro are now roommates; Red Flag is fine; Cat Man is available to perform at your private event; Tazjuan is looking forward to coming back to Paradise; Rowdy is vaccinated; Sooey is still looking for someone to make her vagina dance; Champagne Wishes has regular bowel movements.

But more importantly: Porn Stache and Little Miss Nice are back together:

As are Half-Witted Villain and Bachelorette Becca.

As for Bowtie and Mrs. James … they’re lying low for now. Mrs. James has 73 thousand followers; Bowtie has 239 thousand, and Come Hither, she has nearly 490,000 Instagram followers.


I’ll see the rest of you monsters over on The Bachelorette, saints preserve me.

Bachelor in Paradise is available on Hulu.


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