Bachelor in Paradise
August 31, 2021
We begin this episode with the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party in which the women have the roses for the first time, and shit’s already going down. The moment they are released to go mingle, Aggro takes Half-Witted Villain aside to yell at him for making out with Rowdy Roddy Piper in front of him … even though it was Rowdy Roddy Piper who initiated it.
Eventually, Rowdy goes and intervenes, taking Aggro aside to talk it out — which, of course, should have happened 24 hours ago, if either of them had been in the least bit interested in not creating a scene. Alone, Aggro finally vents to the correct person, though he seems angrier about who she made out with than the fact that she made out with someone in front of him in a blatant display of disrespect. She told him to trust her, and then she waited until the night before the Rose Ceremony to humiliate him with his worst enemy!
And listen, I’m seeing a lot of people on Twitter being Team Rowdy on this, suggesting that Aggro is being an entitled asshole and that she didn’t owe him a thing:
— Bachelor Tea Spill (@bachteaspill) September 1, 2021
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) September 1, 2021
— where the money residess (@vamosalakiaya) August 31, 2021
But I would argue that she actually owed him the courtesy of telling him that she was interested in other people before making out with Half-Wit in front of him. They aren’t married, this is Paradise, but an emotionally mature person who was in it for more than just the dramaz and screen time, would have treated the person she had been spending her time with a modicum of respect.
Rowdy seems to realize this and apologizes to Aggro, and later tearfully says in an interview that she never meant to hurt anyone and that she feels terrible.
Moments later, she is sprawled on top of Half-Witted Villain with her tongue in his mouth.
— i sadly to evote… #BB23 (@winniiew) September 1, 2021
Elsewhere, Groany McBad Joke, Esq. recites a VERY terrible rap he composed for Nip/Tuck. Truly just awful. And he supposedly had been working on it all day?
And then there’s the whole Windmill Costume situation. Last we left her, she had received Shit-Stirrer’s rose, which he assumed guaranteed he would receive her rose. But then she went on a date with Sir Dumbass, which panicked Shit-Stirrer. In an act of desperation, Shit-Stirrer gave her a charm bracelet that he brought, and I quote, “from Miami.”
Sir Dumbass is not going to allow that to stand, however, and during the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, he takes her aside under the pretense that he’s going to give her a shoulder massage, only to wrap a gaudy silver chain around her neck.
I mean, that necklace alone is reason enough to send him home.
Shit-Stirrer then has his turn with Windmill, and compliments her on the new necklace, noting that it matches the bracelet he gave her.
She tells him Sir Dumbass gave it to her and then is like, “Hey, it was neat to get to know you but I’m definitely not giving you my rose, so you might want to try to find someone else to talk to before the ceremony. Oh, and here’s your bracelet back.” Shit-Stirrer handles this better than might be expected, and thanks her for being honest before slinking off.
However, Shit-Stirrer is not done with Sir Dumbass and takes him aside to bitch at him for stealing his schtick. NOT COOL, BRO. Shit-Stirrer calls Sir Dumbass “Captain One-Upper,” and Sir Dumbass calls him “Captain One Liner,” and I was going to make fun of their lack of wit, but then I remembered that I am out here calling people “Windmill Costume,” “Bowtie,” and “Groany McBad Joke, Esq.” so who am I to talk shit?
In the most inexplicable event of the night, Ball Pit up and announces that he doesn’t actually have much of a connection with Tahzjuan after all and he’s going home now. After he tells Tahzjuan that he is actually doing this for her so that she can meet someone new, he packs his bags and climbs into the Ve a Casa Ahora van and leaves.
And then Lance Bass delivers another surprise: they’re bringing another woman into Paradise, and she’s a first — a former Bachelorette: Becca!
Now, Becca originally was on Arie’s season where I called her “Ring Bearer,” because I think she showed up on the first night with an engagement ring? Who can remember? In any event, she won that season, only to be unceremoniously dumped for Arie’s second choice after production was over.
As a consolation prize, she was made Bachelorette where she met her Prince Charming, a big oaf named Garrett who was fond of making jokes about feminists and trans people on Instagram.
It didn’t work out for some reason.
In any event, for our purposes, she will be referred to as “Bachelorette Becca” here instead of “Ring Bearer,” because I make the rules.
And after setting off this bomb, Lance Bass takes his leave.
(I know, it’s hacky, but what am I going to do, not use it?)
Everyone is shocked to see a Bachelorette
demean herself in the likes of Paradise, but the men — especially the men without roses — are like, “FANTASTIC, LET’S DO THIS.”
Not excited to see Bachelorette Becca in Paradise: all of the women, but especially Tahzjuan for whom this is apparently the last goddamned straw, and who packs her shit and leaves. NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL TAHZJUAN SHE CAN’T POOP ANYMORE.
So in the five minutes they have before it’s time to hand out roses, Bachelorette Becca chats with the handful of men who are sniffing around for a rose, including Bobby Fischer, Shit-Stirrer, James-in-a Box, and Aggro. Nothing interesting is revealed, except maybe the fact that when she was a senior in high school, Aggro was in 8th grade. But hey, if Old Naked Guy can be out here dating 23-year-olds, a five-year difference IS FINE.
And then, before you know it, it’s Rose Ceremony Time. Line up, dingdongs.
Come Hither: Bowtie
Queen’s Gambit: Grocery Joe
Little Miss Nice: Porn Stache
Not Doormat: Waiting Chris
Rowdy: Half-Witted Villain
Red Flag: Old Naked Guy
Pageant Reina: James-in-a-Box
Windmill Costume: Bobby Fischer
Bachelorette Becca: Aggro
This means, leaving Mexico will be poor Cat Man and his ukulele, Shit-Stirrer, and, hilariously, Sir Dumbass and his ugly chunky chain.
¡Vaya con Dios, assholes!
The morning after, the next arrival appears in Paradise: Tia from Arie’s season who I nicknamed “Sooey, Jr.” because she is from Arkansas, and in her introduction package, she let out a good University of Arkansas, “SOOOOO-EY!” I have no idea where the “Jr.” part came from, so we’ll just stick with Sooey.
She’s honestly one of my favorite Bachelor contestants — cute, sassy, funny — and considering she had her heart broken by one Colton the
Virgin Gay Bachelor here in Paradise, she’s looking for a second chance.
Sooey arrives with a date card, “Welcome back to Paradise; love is at the end of the rainbow,” (Wait, was that a dig at Colton?) and begins asking the men to chat, including Half-Witted Villain, and Old Naked Guy who apparently, with his tattoos and Guy Fieri sense of flair, is her type.
After meeting her, Old Naked Guy takes Red Flag aside to ask her if she’d be cool with him going on a date with Sooey, but it’s clear that he’s not asking permission, he’s trying to gently tell her that he is going to go on this date with Sooey, and he expects her to be cool with it. Except Red Flag is NOT cool with it, NOT AT ALL, and she’s not afraid to tell him as much. This takes Old Naked Guy by surprise, and he asks if she’d go on a date if asked, and she doesn’t hesitate: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Now, I have spent weeks of my life with Red Flag, and I’m here to say unequivocally:
But it’s all moot, because Sooey does invite Old Naked Guy to join her on the date, and he does accept, and Red Flag is left gape-mouthed at the betrayal.
Meanwhile, Pageant Reina:
So, they head off to their date which finds them on a beach wondering what is going to happen. They are soon approached by a man and two women who have a volleyball, and who invite them to a match. They cautiously agree. And that’s when the three strangers begin disrobing, because, ha ha ha, we’re on Playa Nudista.
Sooey is SHOCKED! but tries to keep her mind open: she’s seen topless beaches before, it’ll be OK. And that’s when everyone begins removing their bottoms, exposing his “fully flaccid weiner” and the ladies’, as Sooey calls them, “China pots.”
Now, I know we Southerners are known for our colorful language, but I have never heard the term “China pot” (or “China pod?”) before, and I beg anyone out there from Arkansas or that general region to explain to me this term. Urban Dictionary has proven utterly useless.
So Sooey and Old Naked Guy are left with a choice about whether or not to join their new friends in their state of undress, Sooey more reluctant than Old Naked Guy for reasons that should be obvious based on his nickname. HER PARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS! HER BIBLE STUDY IS WATCHING THIS! They eventually come up with a compromise: she’ll remove her top, he’ll take off everything, that way they’ll both be bouncing around.
Me, merely watching this date:
After flopping around on the beach for a while, the pair have a picnic where they chat about Old Naked Guy’s situation in Paradise so far. Old Naked Guy explains that he immediately hit it off with Pageant Reina, but she wanted to be free to go on dates. This led him to start hanging out with Red Flag, and, you know, maybe going to the Boom Boom Room with her. Two days ago.
Sooey: OH MY GOD RED FLAG IS GOING TO MURDER ME.
She is going to murder her.
Live shot of Red Flag back in Paradise:
And I actually feel kinda sorry for Red Flag: she has been taught somewhere along the way that her sexuality can be used as a cudgel to control people, and when it doesn’t work on Old Naked Man, her ego literally can not process it.
Also happening in Paradise, Little Miss Nice, the person who told Porn Stache on their first date that she takes things slow, is upset that they seem to be taking things slow. She confronts Porn Stache about why they aren’t all hot and heavy like some of the other couples, and whether they are just friends pretending to have romantic feelings for each other. Porn Stache is like, “I’ve tried to make moves, but you don’t respond, so what am I supposed to do?” She wonders if they’re just delaying the inevitable, and he goes off to mope in the surf while she cries to the other women that she self-sabotages. I mean, yeah? Maybe?
Finally, Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit are cute and flirty and happy and have declared themselves the “strongest couple in Paradise,” so you know what that means:
TO BE CONTINUED.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.