The Bachelorette
July 19, 2021
Well, we’ve arrived at the inevitable moment on these shows when the clown car of contestants has been completely emptied out and we’re left with the contestants the Bachelor/Bachelorette could actually envision a future with. Read: the boring ones.
BUT WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH IT SO GO DRINK SOME COFFEE OR SOMETHING, IT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL BORING UP IN HERE.
We begin the episode with the men reminding us that this is A Big Time Important Week for a few reasons: 1. hometowns are next week, and 2. there are only two men among the seven remaining who have not gone on a one-on-one date. This is important because it will be very revealing if they both receive the two one-on-one dates this week — and even more revealing if only one, or neither of them do. Logic and math!
The date card arrives: “Cousin Greg: Let’s see if this can really work.” And with that, the two men who have not received one-on-one dates, The New Virgin and Oh Canada are both like, “WELL, DAMN,” while Grizzly Adams sulks that he wasn’t the one to receive a second one-on-one. Dude needs to get some perspective.
As for Cousin Greg’s date with Katie, it’s … God, it’s so boring. Katie “recreates” Seattle’s Pike Place Market, and by recreates the market, I mean the production assistants set up a bunch of card tables on which they’ve placed some flowers on one, and a bunch of fish on another. It might literally be the laziest thing I’ve ever seen on one of these shows and I’ve seen some real lackadaisical efforts.
There is a brief moment of satisfaction when Katie throws a fish at Cousin Greg’s head and she manages to smack him in the face with it, but otherwise, no one wants to watch anyone arranging flowers, you guys. My god.
Also, and I shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t eat raw oysters in New Mexico, that’s literally a recipe for disaster.
They also play some football because the Seahawks (???), and then chat about how excited they are to spend time together, the upcoming hometowns, and whether or not Cousin Greg is ready to introduce her to his family (he is).
Cousin Greg repeats that the whole process has been difficult for him, adding that he appreciates receiving this date because he’s insufferably insecure. AND LOOK, I GET IT. I’ve said this a thousand times in other recaps — I wouldn’t be able to handle dating someone who was also dating six other women (much less 29 other women) BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WOULD NEVER GO ON ONE OF THESE SHOWS. (Well, that and the part where I’m happily married and two decades years older than most of these people.) YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SIGNING UP FOR, COUSIN GREG.
At dinner, Cousin Greg continues to whine about feeling insecure in this environment, explaining that he was subjected to a lot of bullying as a kid. Katie finds this endearing, offers him the date rose, and tells him that she’s falling in love with him.
She then takes him outside where the producers, perversely, have set up a rain machine to mimic Seattle’s famously rainy weather. Except! The rain is coming down like a Houston downpour, not a Seattle misting, and these poor kids are forced to make out in it even though it’s probably 40 degrees there in the high desert in April.
Back at the house, Michael Bluth calls George Michael his son, and tells him how much he misses him, it’s very sweet. Also, the group date card arrives: “Great Face; Accent Guy; Grizzly Adams; Michael Bluth; Oh Canada: There is an art of love. Love, Katie.” Which means: The New Virgin will have the last one-on-one date, and Oh Canada gets the shaft.
Oh Canada decides that he’s going to challenge this decision, and goes to Katie’s room, where in the saddest, most optimistic moment, he chapsticks himself up before knocking on the door. Oh honey, no.
Katie welcomes him inside, where he informs her that she did not give him a one-on-one, and that if he’s going to go on one of these hometown dates and introduce her to his family, he’s going to need to spend some time alone with her. Katie is like, “Exactly, so how about I walk you out to the ‘Go Away Now Van?'” And bless this dingdong’s heart, you can actually see the gears slowly groaning to life inside his head as he realizes she’s sending his dumb ass home.
On his way off the show, Oh Canada swings by Grizzly Adam’s room to inform him that he’s leaving, and Grizzly tries to pretend that he’s sad about it. (He’s not actually sad about it.)
BYE, OH CANADA AND THAT HAIR OF YOURS! IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE YOU, BUDDY!
The next morning, Grizzly Adams informs the others that Oh Canada will not, in fact, be joining them on their group date, though he doesn’t exactly know the reason why. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she just was not into him at all?
As for the group date, Katie meets the men in a courtyard in the desert where a bunch of ripoffs of Georgia O’Keeffe paintings has been set up. And for those of you who are somehow unfamiliar with O’Keeffe, her paintings are all of vaginas. I mean, sure, they’re “flowers,” but we’re all grown-ups here: they’re vaginas.
The men, confronted with all these paintings of vaginas, are asked by Katie and the artist what they see, and Grizzly Adams describes one painting as being “messy” and with “aggressive colors” and the artist is like “Yeah, that’s a self-portrait.” Which, I have to admit, was a pretty rad answer.
The artist then tasks them each with doing their own artwork, inspired by Katie. At one point, Katie goes to each of the tables to see what the men are working on and plants a big kiss on Accent Guy in front of everyone else, and Great Face, he gives great face:
The men then present their artworks:
- Michael Bluth sculpted a just terrible ass
- Great Face painted some more roses, because that’s his one trick
- Accent Guy painted a picture of sushi and explains that he’s willing to “eat [his] way to her heart”
- And Grizzly Adams painted something so filthy, the entire painting receives the black box treatment. All we know is that he describes it as “one of the most amazing things” and that “humans do it on a daily basis.” I … I don’t … I … WHAT DID HE PAINT? I DEMAND ANSWERS, ABC.
That evening, the group goes to the cocktail party where we are reminded for the umpteenth time that the guy who receives the rose that night will be going to hometowns, and considering there are only four men there, she’ll really be able to have good conversations with each of them and get some clarity.
During his time with her, Grizzly Adams tells Katie that while he’s not in love with her at this moment, things are headed in that direction. I mean, that’s one tactic.
Great Face presents her with another painting, this one of butterflies, and explains that they represent him breaking out of his “cocoon of feelings.” This is literally the cheeseballiest of all the possible things he could have said or done. It’s a good thing this guy pulls such hilarious faces because otherwise …
With Michael Bluth, Katie tells him she can picture a life with him and his son George Michael James, adding that she respects the place his dead wife holds in his life and that they can figure it all out as they go.
And finally, Accent Guy talks about how as an athlete, there’s a lot of uncertainty in his life, and what he’ll do once his sports career is over. Katie assures him that if he’s the one, they’ll make it work, even if it means living in two different countries.
And with that, Katie offers Michael Bluth the date rose, so I guess we’re meeting the kid.
The next day, Katie explains that she’s looking forward to going on her date with The New Virgin and pushing him out of his comfort zone. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S DOING SOME SEX YOGA AND/OR GETTING NAKED!
But, instead, the two wander into the woods where they meet a woman named Jean, or as she calls herself, “Cuddle Queen” Jean, who informs them that they are going to put on some stupid pajamas and then she’ll lead them through some cuddling techniques.
But these two dutifully put on their pajamas and Cuddle Queen Jean talks them through a series of choreographed hugs. The whole thing is so stupid and awkward that they can’t stop giggling because honestly, aside from just walking off set and putting oneself in the Go Home Now Van and yelling at the driver to take you to the Albuquerque airport as fast as he can, what other option is there?
Eventually, they settle down into this ridiculous exercise and The New Virgin begins talking about how calming and nurturing Katie is before whispering to Katie the secret “please send me home now” phrase:
He also tells Katie that she seems to be an empath and that taking on other people’s feelings is his worst nightmare: he’d rather have his heart broken 100 times than break someone else’s heart.
Katie: That can be arranged.
Later, The New Virgin is sitting by himself, yammering to the cameras about how he is looking forward to introducing her to his family, when Katie joins him and is like, “Yeah, you’re going home. You’re a nice guy, but there’s not going to be a dinner tonight.”
And with that, she sends him to the Go Home Now Van still resplendent in his cult pajamas.
This means when we head into the rose ceremony, we are down to five men, two of whom already have roses. There’s no time for cocktail party nonsense: line up, guys.
Rose #1: Grizzly Adams
Rose #2: Great Face
Which means the man who must buzz off is:
OH NO ACCENT GUY NO!
Poor Accent Guy, he looks absolutely sick to his stomach, and who can blame him, I don’t think any of us saw this coming. Katie walks him out to the Go Home Now Van where she tells him that he’s an amazing man who deserves the world. But explains that she is just building stronger connections with the other men, and didn’t want to put his family through the whole hometown thing.
There is much sobbing, and Accent Guy drives away talking about how he’s never felt this way about a woman before. Meanwhile, Katie tells the producers that she’s not fully confident in her decision and she hopes she made the right choice. And I can’t help but notice that there are still 13 minutes of the episode left, so who even knows!
The next morning, Katie is in her suite talking about how in the light of day she is feeling better about her decision when there is a knock at the door. Katie opens it to find Accent Guy smiling at her, and explaining that he hated how things ended on such a bummer note the night before.
Katie invites him inside, where she tells him that her decision to send him home wasn’t an easy one, that it was the first one she didn’t feel entirely confident in, which only seems to depress Accent Guy more. Still, he powers through to tell her that he’s never felt this way about anyone before and that he’s proud of the woman she is. As he takes his leave, he hands her an envelope and tells her to read it once he’s left.
As soon as he’s out the door, she opens the envelope, and bursts into tears, before reading it out loud: “If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting.”
Katie then goes chasing after Accent Guy, finally catching up with him in the parking garage, and leaping into his arms. Katie suggests that maybe there’s a way that they could keep him on the show? Does he want her to ask the producers? But Accent Guy is like, “Yeah, no thank you, please. You did eliminate me and I don’t want to be here anymore. But if things don’t work out with whomever, give me a call.”
In his second drive to the airport, Accent Guy explains that a part of him did want to accept her offer, but ultimately, he wants his future wife to choose him because he has a sense of dignity.
Anyway, make him the next Bachelor, the end.
The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Katie:
The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Katie:
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.