In a normal year, The Bachelor schedule is as follows:
The first Monday in January: The Bachelor premieres.
Mid-march, just in time to ruin my spring break trip: The Bachelor airs its finale.
Two months of quiet.
Mid-to-late May: The Bachelorette premieres.
Early August: The Bachelorette airs its finale.
A week later: Bachelor in Paradise premieres.
Mid-September, usually a week before Fall TV begins: Bachelor in Paradise airs its finale.
Late September – End of December: Therese does not think about The Bachelor or any of its affiliated bullshit.
But as we all painfully well know, this year is unlike any other, which is why instead of a five-month break between The Bachelorette and The Bachelor (with a Bachelor in Paradise interlude squeezed in there to ruin my summer), I had a ONE-WEEK BREAK.
Dear Reader, that is not enough of a break.
But whether I like it or not, here we are again, days away from embarking on a new season of The Bachelor, with a complete stranger Bachelor, one Matt James. 2020 might be ending, but my nightmare shall not.
Below you will find all of Matt James’s contestants and their biographies. Two notes:
- These bios have clearly been written — and not very well — by some ABC publicist who apparently has access to neither spell-check nor a proofreader, and it is infuriating. I’ve highlighted some of the most egregious errors in red.
- These bios are SO BORING. It used to be that ABC would take the contestants’ questionnaires and cull the weirdest items or the facts that made the contestants look like the biggest ding-bats and we would all laugh and laugh.
In the past couple of seasons, however, I’ve noticed that the bios all sort of sound alike, full of the same platitudes about being adventurous and hard-working, how they love to travel, their families, to drink wine, be outdoors doing outdoorsy things, and how they believe in true love and are looking for someone who is down-to-earth.
They. Are. All. The. Same.
And so I apologize for the boringness that you are about to delve into. I tried to find the most interesting things about each of these women, which I’ve highlighted by bolding the text. But sometimes — oftentimes — there’s no there there, and I ended up screaming not at the contestants but at the publicist who wrote this hot garbage. I NEEDED MORE THAN A ONE-WEEK BREAK. I’M A LITTLE CRANKY, Y’ALL.
(All text and photos are directly from ABC. Each of their Instagram profiles are linked in the photo captions.)
Abigail
25
Client Financial Manager
Beaverton, Oregon
Abigail is a beautiful soul from the Pacific Northwest who says that nothing makes her happier than enjoying a cold local microbrew on a beautiful Oregon day. Having a hearing impairment never stopped Abigail from living her life to the fullest. She loves being outdoors, and when she’s not working, she loves to spend time with family whom she says bring out the best side of her. Abigail is easygoing, laid-back, always down to have fun and ready to find the man of her of her dreams. She says she is looking for a man who will lift her up and make her feel like it’s just the two of them in the whole wide world. Good looks are definitely a plus, but Abigail says that getting to know someone on a deeper level is far more important in a successful relationship. Abigail says she doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but we’ll see if that holds up after she meets Matt!
– Abigail loves to spend her free time golfing with her grandparents.
– Abigail loves Calvin Harris because his beats slap.
– Abigail’s favorite way to approach a guy is by “accidentally bumping into them.”
Before I make fun of this woman, I need to know if the ABC publicist wrote that Abigail “is a beautiful soul” or if Abigail wrote that she “is a beautiful soul” herself. Because that makes a huge difference.
Alana
26
Photographer
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Alana has always taken the road less traveled. Instead of taking the traditional college path after high school, Alana leaned into her desire for adventure and moved to Europe where she enrolled in different programs throughout Europe. She calls this decision her greatest accomplishment yet because it took her on a journey of self-discovery and exploration that really shaped her into the independent woman she is today. Adventure is definitely a key component to Alana’s life — her latest one being a move to Toronto completely on a whim. When Alana isn’t off exploring the world, she loves spending her free time sipping bubbles at local wineries, painting or cooking, and is here with hopes of finding a man to share in the everyday pleasures of life. Will this journey be the greatest adventure of her life? We can’t wait to find out!
– Alana says she is the queen of puns!
– Alana’s dream job would be working as a restaurant critic for Michelin restaurants.
– Alana loves to spend the holidays with her mom making fettuccine from scratch and watching “The Holiday.”
Before we get into some of the more questionable bits of information in Alana’s biography, I need to point out that these bios have in no way been copy-edited, the sentence in red being a prime example. HOW MANY TIMES DOES “EUROPE” NEED TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT SENTENCE, JESSICA, THE IMAGINARY ABC PUBLICITY ASSISTANT I AM PRETENDING WROTE THIS? BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS: ONCE. ONE TIME.
As for Alana, I appreciate the heads-up on the pun thing. People who make bad puns (which I, myself, am not immune from doing) should have to wear some sort of badge that warns others before we come in puns-a-blazin’.
I’m sorry.
Here’s where I’m going to become a pedant: there is no such job as “restaurant critic for Michelin restaurants.” I think I know what she’s trying to express here, that she wants to be a food critic who eats at Michelin starred restaurants, or maybe she would like to work for Michelin as a critic, determining which restaurants receive the coveted stars. But this sentence makes it sound like either she would be a food critic who only ate at Michelin-starred restaurants or that she is a critic for the restaurants themselves? Look. Either Alana wrote this and 1. doesn’t understand what her own dream job is and 2. is not an effective writer in which case maybe becoming a critic isn’t really the job for her or Jessica, our imaginary ABC publicity assistant, wrote this, and considering the redundant use of the word “restaurant,” I’m inclined to believe it is this latter option.
Warning, this is going to be a long post for all of us in no small part thanks to Jessica.
Alicia
24
Professional Ballerina
New York, New York
Alicia is a hard-working and incredibly driven woman. When she was only 13, she began pursuing her career as a professional ballerina. Through years of dedication and commitment to her craft, she is now proudly living her dream, dancing for the prestigious Dance Theater of Harlem. While it took a ton of hard work to get where she is, Alicia wouldn’t change a thing. After years of being unlucky in love, Alicia is ready to find a man who will absolutely desire her. Her ultimate date consists of a day on the boat drinking champagne and eating from a thoughtfully curated charcuterie board followed by shopping and a romantic dinner at one of New York’s best rooftop bars. She describes herself as very confident but not sappy. She’s not looking for anyone who relies on cheesy pickup lines and would prefer a man who gets straight to the point. For Alicia, it’s all about finding a handsome, intelligent and respectful man who is not afraid to put in the hard work to make their love go the distance.
– Alicia once performed onstage with Aretha Franklin. RESPECT!
– Alicia loves hot chocolate.
– Alicia says she loves all vegetables, with the exception of tomatoes.
Alright, aside from the tomato thing, and despite her young age, Alicia sounds like a prize. I am being sincere.
Amber
30
Nursing Student
Costa Mesa, California
Amber is a vivacious single mother whose world revolves around her 13-year-old son. Currently, her typical Saturday night consists of dinner and board games with her son or soaking in the Jacuzzi with close friends. Amber finds it hard to date as a single mom, but now she is ready to focus on herself for the first time in a long time. When asked what her physical type is, Amber enthusiastically says “MATT JAMES!” She is looking for a man with whom to travel the world and eventually have more kids. She is caring, trustworthy and open-minded, but admittedly is also stubborn and a bit impatient. She says she is terrified of being on the edge of cliffs, but she is ready to take the leap head first into this once-in-a-lifetime adventure and hopefully return home with the man of her dreams by her side.
– While traveling through Joshua Tree, California, Amber once had to run away from a mountain lion.
– Amber’s dream job would be to take care of beluga whales because they just make her so happy.
– Her dream is to live on a big ranch somewhere near a lake surrounded by trees and to rescue every animal she comes across that needs a home.
I genuinely don’t have anything negative to say about this biography — it’s pretty bland — but I will point out that she is just setting herself up for a nightmare one-on-one date where she has to go bungee jumping or some shit. The questionnaire is always going to ask what your greatest fear is and the only things you should answer are “puppies,” or “champagne” or “gummy bears,” you dumb idiots.
Anna
24
Copywriter
Chicago, Illinois
Anna is a small-town girl, living the big city life. She was born and raised in a tiny town in Minnesota, and at an early age, her parents nicknamed her Hollywood, thanks to her affinity for chic scarves and oversized sunglasses. As much as she loved her childhood filled with Friday nights at the local bowling alley and family dinners at Applebee’s, this high school cheerleading captain knew she was meant for something bigger. Now, she lives in Chicago and says she is living the life she always envisioned for herself. She is looking for a man who will take her as the open book that she is—the good, the bad and the ugly. She wants a man who wants to have a family just as much as she does, and who will have no problem being open and honest in communication. Due to her Gemini vibes, she needs someone who is a match for her intellect but will also always want to keep life fun. Oh … and her dream guy must enjoy doing puzzles with her!
– Anna is TERRIFIED of fish and OBSESSED with cheese.
– She calls herself an “experience junkie” and once convinced a pilot to let her fly the plane over bluffs of Minnesota for 15 minutes
– Anna dreams of writing screenplays for Hallmark movies.
“Gemini vibes.” “Gemini vibes” is the first thing in this bio that sets off alarm bells this that woman is a goddamned nightmare, but let’s not overlook the parts where she is terrified of fish, is an airplane pilot bully and dreams of writing Hallmark movies, presumably about a small-town girl who moves to the big city and lands a high-powered copywriting job but who returns to Minnesota for Christmas one year, falls in love with the local cheesemonger and learns that her real happiness was at home all along.
Bri
24
Communications Manager
San Francisco, CA
Bri is really something special. She was raised by her mother and grandmother who made countless sacrifices to give her a fighting shot at having a successful life. For this reason, Bri has always outworked everyone around her because she learned early on that everything in life was earned not promised. Bri now works for a high-profile social media company and is very proud of her achievements, as she should be. With her professional life intact, she is ready to focus on her personal life and find the man of her dreams. Bri describes herself as very laid-back and someone who is not embarrassed easily. She says that she is always the alpha in the relationship but would love to find someone who can challenge her and keep life interesting and exciting. It’s very rare that she spends a weekend indoors and not outside hiking or hanging at the park and nearby beaches. One day, Bri hopes to have two or three kids of her own.
– Her dream is to live in Kauai and to live the island life eating nothing but sushi, swimming in the ocean and hiking.
– Brunching is one of her favorite activities.
– Bri has two tattoos: a wave on her left wrist and another on her right rib cage that reads “thirteen” in Farsi.
“Really something special.” Methinks Jessica is being a little passive-aggressive here.
As for Bri herself, she’s sending out some very mixed messages here: she’s “outworked everyone around her,” “says she is always the alpha” and rarely spends a weekend indoors, but then describes herself as “very laid-back.” One of these things is not like the other.
Carolyn
30
Journalist
Los Angeles, CA
Though she is fiercely independent, Carolyn is a serial monogamist who says she has always been the caretaker in her relationships. Now, she is looking for a man who will want to take care of her but will also appreciate her for the self-sufficient woman she is. Carolyn wants a bold man who won’t be afraid to challenge her and call her out if she needs it. She needs someone who will appreciate her intensity and bring an equal amount of passion to the relationship. Carolyn’s ultimate turnoff is a man who spends all their time together name-dropping or bragging about his money, and instead hopes to find someone with a warm heart who is passionate about philanthropy. Carolyn admits that when she feels that spark, she falls hard and fast, and she can’t wait to see what happens when she meets Matt that first night.
– Carolyn likes post-punk music and definitely identifies as something different than your average Top 40 basic girl.
– Nothing makes her more upset than injustice! Anyone who abuses their own power over others makes her livid.
– In five years, she hopes to have published her first novel.
Similarly, Carolyn is sending some very confusing messages, wanting someone who will take care of her while also recognizing her self-sufficiency? Carolyn might want to explore her “intensity” in a few therapy sessions, instead of on a reality show.
Casandra
25
Social Worker
Newport Beach, California
Casandra always told herself she would finish college and then settle down. Now that she has her master’s degree in social work, it’s time to find LOVE! Casandra says coming on “The Bachelor” is the biggest risk she’s ever taken for love, but she believes she and Matt have a lot in common. As a partner, she is loyal, compassionate and caring. She is ready to find a man who she has a genuine connection with, and while she is a city girl at heart, she says she is truly at her best stargazing and eating s’mores in her sweatpants with no makeup on. She is confident, laid-back and says that guys like the fact that they can take her anywhere and don’t have to worry about entertaining her. She has found it hard to find the one, but she says Matt is definitely her type and she is willing to take a chance if it means finding forever love.
– Casandra is scared of the dark.
– Casandra hates it when people eat food off her plate.
– Sunflowers make Casandra very happy.
Casandra seems like a perfectly nice young woman: she’s clearly lovely, intelligent, and hard-working. The only thing I will point out about her bio is the part about eating food off of her plate. This isn’t some cute quirk of Casandra’s: they clearly asked all of the women how they feel about it on the questionnaire as it comes up over and over again in these bios. But why? Is food aggression a personality trait in women that people should be aware of before becoming involved in relationships? What’s going on here?
Chelsea
28
Runway Model
Brooklyn, New York
After graduating college and getting a full-time job in corporate America, Chelsea did one of the most outrageous things she’s ever done in her life … she quit her job, strutted her way into the world of modeling and never looked back! Chelsea’s dating life was pretty nonexistent until she was in college, and her only relationship ended a year and a half ago when, after five years of being together, she felt she had outgrown him. Now that she has spent some time playing the field, she says she has a clearer idea of what she wants out of a relationship. Chelsea loves a man who will go the extra mile to show how they really feel and really appreciates it when someone can be vulnerable and an open communicator. Her dream man will join her as she wines and dines throughout the city; and while she doesn’t need it, a man who loves to spoil her from time to time is always a plus. Chelsea can’t wait to find a husband and she’s hoping to find that with Matt.
– Chelsea is currently learning Spanish online.
– Chelsea’s favorite meal is snacks, especially if popcorn and Hot Cheetos are on the menu.
– One day, Chelsea wants to swim with stingrays.
It’s some bullshit that there are people out there who can have a modeling career and still eat Hot Cheetos. I’ve got nothing to say about Chelsea, she’s pretty and whatever, I’m just mad at the universe.
Corrinne
22
Marketing Manager
Pomfret, Connecticut
Happy with her life in Connecticut, Corrinne is ready to find someone that would be a great addition to her already-wonderful world. Corrinne comes from a big, loving family and does marketing for the family business—a high-end Italian restaurant! She strives to surround herself with positivity and says that she is at her very happiest sitting at the beach with the sun shining down on her face. Corrinne is looking for a man who will prioritize settling down over having a busy nightlife and partying. She wants someone who is serious about creating a life with her and who will match her unwavering loyalty. Her dream man will support her in both her personal and professional endeavors, and will let her do the same for him saying that she “always wants to water him so that he is constantly growing as a human, son, friend, etc.” Corrinne wants someone who is loyal through the ups and downs, and promises that as a wife, her partner will never have to question that she is always on their team.
– Corrinne loves Disney World and has been there more times than she can count.
– Corrinne once snuck into an abandoned insane asylum in the middle of the night.
– Before Corrinne has kids, she wants to experience life living in New York City.
A few thoughts:
- Why the exclamation point after “high-end Italian restaurant,” Jessica? Is it really all that exciting?
- This quote from Corrinne about wanting to “water” her partner makes me irrationally angry. There’s nothing on the surface that is terrible, but it makes me want to dramatically slam a door in her face all the same.
- In addition to keeping count of how many times women talk about people eating food off of their plates, keep track of how many times Disney comes up in these women’s bios. SYNERGY, BABY.
Emani
25
Realtor
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Emani is the first to admit that she isn’t an outwardly “lovey-dovey” kind of person, but that doesn’t mean that her desire for love doesn’t run deep. She describes herself as goofy, selfless and sensitive, and while she hasn’t had much luck finding love thus far, she is here hoping that meeting Matt can change that. Emani is looking for someone caring, driven and to be her best friend. She’s the kind of woman who would rather go to a sophisticated jazz bar over a baseball game and whose dream date consists of sharing a bottle of fine red wine and spending the night immersed in meaningful conversation. She loves to cook and says that her favorite way to show her man how she feels is through an old-fashioned, home-cooked meal. Emani says her turnoffs are emotional instability, physical instability and financial instability … really, instability of any kind. One thing that is very important to Emani is that the man she brings home is willing to love her family as much as she does. If the family says it is a no-go, then unfortunately that is where the journey ends.
– Emani enjoys throwing solo dance parties in her bedroom.
– When asked if she could be anyone else for a day, Emani says she would be herself because she is “pretty cool.”
– Emani’s favorite music is ’90s R&B.
OK, but what is “physical instability?” Like, Emani is turned off by men with vertigo?
Also, answering the question “Who would you be if you could be anyone else for a day” with “myself, because I’m pretty cool” is not just a huge fucking red flag, it’s also lazy. It’s the personality questionnaire equivalent of just wearing your own clothes on Halloween, and then telling people that you went as “yourself.”
Illeana
25
Health Food Developer
New York, New York
Illeana is a perfect mix of beauty and brains. She is an entrepreneur who recently co-developed her own nutritional snack called “Funky Munky Energy” and has big dreams of making a name for herself in the health food world. After ending her last relationship of four and a half years and living her best life in Manhattan, Illeana says she is ready to settle down and find her missing puzzle piece. She has done the work to know exactly what she wants out of her partner and says that first and foremost, she needs someone whose values align with hers. Illeana is the type of woman who would rather cuddle up on the couch with a glass of wine and spend quality time together pondering life’s unsolvable mysteries than hit the town and go barhopping. She is looking to find her best friend and to create the kind of love that makes you glow from the inside out. She says she loves love more than anything and knows she’s found it when she and her man feel invincible to the world.
– Illeana has an orange tabby cat named Sir Theo who goes to the bathroom in the toilet and wears a bowtie … he’s very sophisticated.
– Growing up, Illeana was on a synchronized ice-skating team.
– Illeana has a major weakness for snacking.
The word “Munky” needs to be punted into the stratosphere. MAY IT NEVER BE WRITTEN AGAIN.
Jessenia
27
Social Media Marketer
San Antonio, Texas
Jessenia is the total package of brains, beauty and an infectious personality. She was born and raised in San Antonio, Texas, and is a former pageant queen, even receiving the title of Miss El Paso in 2016. After recently ending her most recent relationship, Jessenia is hoping to find her true counterpart in Matt. Jessenia loves a man who takes initiative, is adventurous, and who will keep life exciting and unpredictable. Her soul mate also must love dogs because Jessenia currently has three of them! One thing Jessenia cannot stand is a man who will not get off their phone, especially if it’s during date night. Jessenia wants someone with whom she can travel the world, but who will also indulge in a fabulous staycation. She is a true romantic and says she daydreams about what it will be like when she finally meets the man of her dreams.
– Jessenia loves escape rooms.
– If Jessenia could live in any other decade, it would definitely be the ’80s because of the music and super funky fashion.
– Jessenia hopes to live in France for at least a year.
I am aware this is a distinction lost on someone who was born in 1993 (I just felt a gray hair spring up on my scalp), but ’80s fashions were not “funky.” The ’70s were “funky”; the ’60s were “groovy”; and the ’80s were “rad” or “totally awesome” or “gnarly” — but they were not, under any circumstances, “funky.”
Kaili
26
Hostess
Chicago, Illinois
Kaili says she doesn’t like to take herself too seriously, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t serious about finding love! Kaili is witty, charismatic, not afraid to laugh at herself, and is hoping to find those same qualities in her future husband. She loves to show affection through spending quality time with her partner, performing acts of service and making sure that her man knows their voice is being heard. When she is in love, she says that there is no one you would rather have in your corner because her loyalty is unwavering. The man of her dreams is introspective, empathetic and can join her on her daily sunset runs on the beach followed by a romantic picnic. She says she’s never dated anyone that her family has truly been excited about and she’s hoping to change that when Matt comes into the picture!
– Kaili has dyed her hair every color in the book.
– At her high school graduation, Kaili tripped on the stage as she went to get her diploma.
– One day, Kaili dreams of completing an ultra-marathon.
I appreciate the sentiment, Kaili, but in my entire life, I have yet to met a single man who needs reassurance that their “voice is being heard.”
Katie
29
Bank Marketing Manager
Renton, Washington
Katie knows exactly what she wants in a man and is done wasting her time on boys who won’t live up to her expectations. She is a witty storyteller who says when she finds someone worth committing to, she is the most loving and committed partner anyone could ask for. Katie is daring and adventurous. While Katie is serious about finding her person, she needs a man who can laugh along with her but is okay with him laughing at her too when the moment calls for it. Katie is looking for a mature man who has ambitions to succeed in everything he does, both personally and professionally. Her dream man will be passionate about building a long-term life with her and will treat Katie as his equal in the relationship. Nothing turns her off more than someone who sits around playing video games all day or a man who tries to kiss her at the inopportune moment … it’s all about creating the right vibe with Katie! Will Matt be able to live up to Katie’s standards?
– Katie’s idea of a fun date is going skinny-dipping.
– Katie would love to host her own talk show one day.
– Katie once planned a dog flash mob that got a huge turnout.
“Dog flash mob” … so, she organized a dog park? I have so many questions.
Khaylah
28
Healthcare Advocate
Durham, North Carolina
Khaylah is a unique soul that is driven and passionate about the health work she does in her community. While she loves that her work means a lot to the people of Durham, it means so much more to her because life is all about giving back. Khaylah has been overly committed to her job, but she doesn’t look at that negatively. However, she’s now able to focus on herself and put herself first. Khaylah says she is a hopeless romantic and that she is looking for a man to truly sweep her off her feet! She says she can be shy at first, but once she feels that spark, it’s on! Nothing turns Khaylah on more than a respectful man with emotional intelligence and a desire to give back. A life full of love and service is one that Khaylah is dedicated to, and we think that together, she and Matt can make the world a better place.
– Khaylah lives for a good tailgate.
– Khaylah idolizes Rhianna.
– Khaylah only likes camping if she is glamping.
I’m sure Khaylah is a lovely young woman but when you go into a service or healthcare industry and then you start talking about “putting yourself first” it might raise a few eyebrows.
But if you’re looking for a “respectful” man with “emotional intelligence,” let me ask you this: how do you feel about Harvard?
Kimberly
28
Airline Recruiter
Seattle, Washington
Kimberly is the kind of woman who radiates joy and happiness everywhere she goes. She is a carefree soul who would have no problem picking up her life and moving to a new town on a whim. Kimberly describes herself as funny, loyal and trustworthy, and will be the voice of reason and shoulder to cry on if need be. She values a healthy lifestyle and wants to find a man whose enthusiasm for staying fit aligns with hers. She also loves picnics, good snacks and when the weather permits, going on the hunt for Seattle’s best sunset viewpoints. When it comes to relationships, Kimberly always tries to keep it real and is not afraid to step away if her expectations aren’t being met. She’s looking for a grown man who will be passionate about his career while also supporting Kimberly in hers. The one thing Kimberly cannot make work under any circumstance … NO CATS!
– Kimberly isn’t afraid of anything except finding out that a guy she is into has a foot fetish.
– “Moana” is one of Kimberly’s all-time favorite movies.
– Don’t take Kimberly on a date to a cemetery because that’s a hard pass for her.
There are definitely stories behind the cat, foot fetish, and cemetery things, and I would like to hear them, please.
Disney Count: “Moana.”
Kit
21
Fashion Entrepreneur
New York, New York
Kit is a true born-and-raised New Yorker. She currently lives at home with her parents in the heart of the West Village while finishing her last year of undergrad at NYU. Kit hasn’t had a serious relationship since her first love in high school, but that’s only because she hasn’t found a man who can measure up to the level of emotional intelligence she needs. She’s found that most guys she meets don’t match her maturity level, and although she is only 21, she is very ready for a serious commitment. Kit is looking for a man who is genuine, open and honest. She is a straight shooter who has no interest in anyone who is fake or indirect. This badass woman wants to find someone who can keep up with her witty banter and hold their own in the New York social scene. Kit knows that she has high standards, but she has no doubt that Matt will be able to live up to the hype.
– Kit can surf in high heels.
– Kit is the first to admit she has a horrible RBF.
– Men in flip-flops make Kit mad.
OF COURSE KIT LIVES WTH HER PARENTS, KIT IS A CHILD. OF COURSE KIT HASN’T HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, KIT IS A CHILD. OF COURSE KIT CAN’T FIND A MAN WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, KIT IS A CHILD. KIT IS LITERALLY ONE YEAR OLDER THAN MY CHILD. SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL HER PARENTS. DO HER PARENTS KNOW THAT SHE IS DOING THIS? SOMEONE CALL THEM AND TELL THEM.
I’M SO DISTRACTED I CAN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE SURFING IN HEELS THING.
Kristin
27
Attorney
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Kristin is a very smart and successful attorney who says that while she dreams of finding her perfect match, her busy career and professional ambitions haven’t left her with too much spare time to date. Kristin is truly wifey material—not only is she beautiful, but she is fiercely loyal, intelligent and credits her unmatched work ethic to her incredible mother who raised her. Kristin says she is definitely the party starter and needs a man who won’t be intimidated by her natural magnetism. She also needs someone who isn’t afraid of being openly affectionate because with Kristin, personal space goes out the window. Kristin wants a man who will let her be their biggest cheerleader and who will in turn be the same for her. If you want to get an edge with Kristin, she says pink roses are the way to her heart, but maybe a red rose from Matt may suffice in this case.
– Kristin is always up for karaoke and loves to belt out a classic Disney song.
– Kristin does not share food, unless both parties have previously agreed upon it.
– Nothing is more important to Kristin than her oral health and she never travels without her electric toothbrush and extra batteries just in case.
OOH: we have a twofer: both eating off her plate AND a Disney reference!
Lauren
29
Corporate Attorney
Miami, Florida
Lauren is a Florida girl through and through! She is a successful corporate lawyer who recently had her law reviews published. In Lauren’s free time, she enjoys fashion, going to the beach, working out and spending time with her girlfriends in their book club. Lauren has everything going for her, but now she wants someone to share in her many successes! She is looking for someone who is genuine and authentic. She needs to feel that the man she is with truly has her back in any situation thrown their way. Lauren is hoping for a family of her own one day, so she needs a mature family man that is on the same page. Not wanting to have kids is a major deal breaker for Lauren. She says that none of the guys she has dated in the past have truly been her best friend, and she’s hoping to change that here with Matt.
– Lauren is terrified of lizards and frogs.
– Lauren lives for the Christmas season.
– Lauren loves 2000s hip-hop.
“She is a successful corporate lawyer who recently had her law reviews published.” Jessica. This sentence has no meaning, Jessica. One does not have “law reviews” published, Jessica. Lawyers might be invited to write an article for a law school’s journal, which is known as a “law review,” but one does not have “law reviews,” Jessica.
Magi
32
Pharmacist
Adwa, Ethiopia
Magi is a beautiful, kindhearted woman whose striking looks are only a small part of her story. She grew up in small village in Ethiopia, and while she says moving to the U.S. was the scariest thing she has ever done, she doesn’t regret it one bit. Magi was only able to move here after she literally won the Diversity Visa Lotto. She is so grateful for all the opportunities she’s been given in life and knows firsthand to never take anything for granted. Working as both a model and a pharmacist, Magi keeps it a priority to show young women back in Ethiopia you can do both, and that you can achieve anything you set your mind to! People often describe her as being too nice, but she sees her kindness as her biggest strength and knows there is power and resilience behind it. She is loyal, honest and has a very positive outlook on the world. Magi is looking for a partner in life — someone she can share everything with and who has a love and compassion for culture like she does. When she’s not working or studying to further her career, she loves to explore her town’s historical buildings, drink wine at her favorite local restaurants and spend nights in with her girlfriends watching movies. Meeting Matt will be a very new and exciting experience for Magi — she grew up in a place where arranged marriages were very common, so she is excited to be here to show the women back home that everyone deserves to choose who they love.
– Magi runs a nonprofit that supplies shoes to girls back in her hometown.
– Growing up, Magi loved playing Ping-Pong.
– The best surprise Magi ever received was two front-row tickets to a Beyoncé concert.
I’m sure Magi is a perfectly lovely woman, but the same way I look sideways at healthcare and service workers who start whining about “putting themselves first,” I am awfully suspicious of people who say their greatest weakness is how “nice” they are.
Mari Pepin (ABC/Craig Sjodin)Mari
24
Marketing Director
Odenton, Maryland
Mari is a former beauty queen living the American dream. After moving to Maryland from Puerto Rico as a teenager, Mari enrolled in college and competed in pageants — most recently winning Miss Maryland USA in 2019 and placing Top 10 at Miss USA. Now, she is a career-focused woman on the go who is ready to find the love of her life and settle down. She says that as a partner, she is very nurturing and thoughtful, and hopes to find a man who values her and gives her the same. She describes herself as a romantic, thoughtful, “all-in” partner, and loves to make her significant other happy by cooking for them, planning small surprises and giving massages. Mari loves her job and says it’s very important that she have her own thing going for her. She also loves that she can work completely remote because she can’t wait to have kids and wants to be a working mom that shows young women they truly can have it all!
– Mari loves to sing, even though she admits she’s not great at it.
– Mari is planning to get her boating license.
– Visiting an elephant sanctuary in Thailand is at the top of Mari’s bucket list.
Mothering is not a competitive sport or an act of inspiration unless you are an insufferable human being who aspires to be a mommy influencer on Instagram. AVOID.
As for you, Jessica, you meant “she can work completely remotely.” “Remote” is an adjective, and you’re modifying the predicate “can work” in that sentence, which requires an adverb.
Marylynn
28
Event Coordinator
Studio City, California
Marylynn needs a man who is ready to commit and not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeves. She wants a stable man who will love her unconditionally, someone who is loyal to the core and who would be a rock for her when life throws the inevitable curve ball their way. In five years, Marylynn hopes to be married with two or more rescue dogs, and living a productive, inspirational, healthy life with the support of her man by her side. She hopes to start several companies focused around promoting environmental welfare and healthy lifestyle choices, and will need her soul mate to share her goals of making the world a better place. She doesn’t see herself with anyone who is lazy, introverted or someone who doesn’t prioritize their heath and hygiene. She says that finding her life partner has always been a top priority and that experiencing true and undeniable love is the ultimate goal because it is something so special and unique. Will Matt be Marylynn’s person, or will her search for the perfect love story continue on?
– Marylynn loves Disneyland.
– Marylynn hopes to start a nonprofit that helps the environment reduce and eventually eradicate single-use plastic.
– Marylynn grew up surfing, but she is terrified of sharks!
Disney Count: 4.
But more importantly, Jessica, are you getting tired? Did you have to write all of these in one night? The expression is “heart on his sleeve” not “sleeves” — he only has one heart, after all — and “health” has an “L” right in the middle, there. CAN WE PLEASE GET JESSICA A COPY EDITOR?
MJ
23
Hair Stylist
Hudson, Ohio
MJ is a beauty expert who sees the beauty of life in all that she does. MJ grew up on a small island in Lake Erie where she loved being outdoors and on the water. She is passionate about making people feel better about themselves and says that her calling in life is to make the world a more beautiful place. MJ wants a man who will be just as giving as she is and will shower her with the reciprocated love she deserves. She dreams of settling down with someone reliable, decisive and family oriented, and says that she needs a man who will be as fiercely loyal to her as she is to them. MJ is very social and wants to find a man who will let her maintain her independence and won’t add unnecessary drama to her life. She loves a man with a plan but has no interest in someone with an inflated ego or unrealistic expectations. She also cannot deal with someone who is never on time. MJ is charming and memorable and once she enters “The Bachelor” bubble, we don’t think Matt will have any trouble keeping her on his mind.
– MJ loves disco music and says it’s her favorite music to dance to.
– MJ says the best trip of her life was camping in the Sahara desert.
– MJ enjoys a good spicy margarita.
Pieper
23
Graduate Student
Happy Valley, Oregon
Don’t discount Pieper as just a pretty face because there is way more to this stunner than meets the eye. She’s truly the total package! Pieper has a dynamite personality, a creative mind, a master’s degree in marketing and a wonderful family who has supported all her endeavors. The only thing missing for Pieper? A man to enjoy life by her side! Pieper is caring, giving, and loves to learn what brings her partner joy so she can foster that happiness. She loves to spend quality time with her significant other, but also very much values independence and having parts of her life that remain her own. Pieper needs someone with confidence and someone who knows what they want in life because forethought is so important to her. It’s easy to see what makes Pieper a total catch and we think Matt will have no problem seeing it too.
– Pieper is very into European cars and dreams of owning a Rolls Royce one day.
– Pieper loves her grandma the most in this world and calls her Gram-cracker.
– Pieper is not into picnics because the idea of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her.
Who spends this much time thinking about picnics? I mean, I don’t disagree, but … how often do picnics come up in her life that she has a strong opinion about them?
Rachael
24
Graphic Deisgner
Cumming, Georgia
With beautiful eyes and personality to match, Rachael is a southern sweetheart with a close-knit family. Though Rachael says she is a hopeless romantic to her core, she has never been in love and believes that Matt may just be the guy to change that. Rachael is hoping that her love story will be something huge and life altering. She wants to look back on her life when she’s old and feel like she has made the absolute most out of every single day. Nothing makes her happier than a good movie, good wine and charcuterie boards. Rachael needs a man who will make every day with her something to tell their future children about and says, “At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others. Life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times, but if you have someone by your side that loves you more than they love themselves, that makes it all worth it in the end.”
– Rachael’s favorite way to pass the time is by doodling.
– Rachael hates slow drivers!
– Rachael is very neat with organization and cleanliness, and messy with plans and schedule.
Looking back on one’s life and feeling like you’ve made the ABSOLUTE MOST out of every day, is … a lot to ask. She’s only 24, so she’s not really made it into the soul-deadening repetitive portion of life yet, but she’ll get there.
As for this sentence about neatness and messiness … Jessica. What does this sentence even mean, Jessica? Also, “Deisgner?” I understand that you might not be able to find someone to proof your work — we’re all socially distanced these days, and your boss is probably busy trying to homeschool her kids while also putting out press releases about Jimmy Kimmel’s guests that week, BUT FOR LOVE OF CHRIST, RUN IT THROUGH SPELL CHECK. THAT IS LITERALLY THE VERY LEAST YOU COULD DO.
Saneh
25
IT Consultant
Denver, Colorado
Beautiful Saneh has a contagious zest for life! From swimming with sharks in South Africa to being inducted into the University of Florida Hall of Fame for outstanding leadership, service and academic achievement, nothing is out of reach for her. This energetic Florida native has a thousand-watt smile and is here to find a man she can proudly bring home to meet her family in Florida. After learning a lot from her last serious relationship, Saneh has a refreshed outlook on life and feels that Matt could be that perfect addition she has been looking for. She describes her perfect man as selfless, ambitious, considerate and empathetic. She loves any activity that puts her in the great outdoors — from hiking and kayaking to sunrise yoga at Red Rocks Amphitheater — and hopes to find a partner who will always be up for an adventure with her. Saneh wants nothing more than to go on the adventure of a lifetime with the hopes of finding a love that will be life-changing. We hope so too!
– Saneh completed her first marathon when she was 16 years old.
– People who don’t return their shopping cart at the grocery store drive her crazy!
– Saneh had a pet parrot for most of her childhood.
We’ve discussed redundancy, Jessica. You don’t need two “Floridas” in one sentence, Jessica. You’ve already made it clear that her family is in Florida by telling us that she is a Florida native, Jessica.
Sarah
24
Broadcast Journalist
San Diego, California
Sarah has always dreamed of finding her fairytale ending. She comes from an incredibly close-knit family and says that her parents are the true example of the loving and loyal relationship that she wants for herself one day. Sarah has been in two serious relationships, but unfortunately neither turned out to be her Prince Charming. Sarah enjoys traveling, trying new foods, going to concerts, tennis, hiking and biking. She is hoping to find a man who prioritizes fitness and a healthy lifestyle just as much as she does and wants someone who will turn every day into an adventure better than the last. One thing that is very important to Sarah is finding a man whose commitment to faith is as strong as hers. She hopes to one day be in a power couple that when they’re not spending time with their kids, they are doing work for the community and giving back to children in need. Sarah is truly a hopeless romantic. Will Sarah get the fairytale ending that she has always wanted with Matt? Only time will tell.
– Sarah is a trained fire dancer.
– Sarah’s personal superhero is Oprah Winfrey.
– Sarah dabbles in photography as a hobby.
I need a nap.
Serena C.
24
Flight Attendant
San Francisco, California
Serena C. is a free spirit who loves adventure and is always up for a good time. After spending time in quarantine, she has taken the time to really think about what qualities she wants in a partner and she is here because she thinks that Matt James may be her perfect match! She is looking for a man with charisma, good character and someone with whom she can have a strong physical connection. Serena C.’s idea of a perfect date is getting all dressed up for a fancy night out, taking in the sunset over good champagne and a thought-provoking conversation. She needs a man who wants to be professionally successful, but is also a free spirit like her with dreams of traveling the world. Serena C. says that it really takes a special kind of man to lock her down, and we think Matt may just be the man she’s been waiting for!
– Nothing makes Serena C. happier than when she puts together the perfect outfit.
– Serena C. is not a fan of birthday attention.
– Serena C. loves bottomless mimosas and says her favorite food is chicken wings.
May we all be so easily satisfied in this life.
Serena P.
22
Publicist
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
For as long as she can remember, Serena P. has been a believer that no matter what your age is, when you know, you know. Serena P. has always led a disciplined lifestyle and says she has never really taken the time to pursue true love, but now, this typically logical thinker is throwing her rulebook out the window and is ready to meet the man of her dreams. Serena P. is looking to find a man who will enjoy spending quality time with her—whether they are having beers at a low-key bar or sitting courtside at a Toronto Raptors’ game. For her, it’s all about having fun and growing in life together. Serena P. needs a man with ambition who will be her teammate in life. He also HAS to be willing to share his food with her saying, “If they don’t let me taste their food, I don’t know if the relationship could survive.” Serena P. knows true love is real but is waiting to find it, and she is hoping to experience that the second she meets our bachelor.
– Serena P. says she is chronically hangry.
– Serena P. would love to have a pet chicken so she could have a pet and an endless supply of eggs all in one.
– Learning how to change a tire is at the top of Serena P.’s bucket list.
- Another food off the plate question.
- Serena P. seems like a ball of laughs.
Sydney
28
Marketing Specialist
Nashville, Tennessee
Sydney is a strong, opinionated woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to vocalize it. If her family could use one word to describe Sydney, it would be “opinionated”… and Sydney wholeheartedly agrees saying her role in life is to give facts over being a shoulder to cry on. Sydney may come off as tough, but just because she’s blunt doesn’t mean she isn’t also a romantic at heart. Though Sydney says she is not your typical southern belle, she says she is a traditional romantic and hopes to find a man who will put effort into wooing her. She has always believed that opposites attract and dreams of finding a man with a mellow demeanor to balance out her outgoing personality. She hates awkward dinner conversation and says a man with big goals for the future is her biggest turn-on. Sydney wants someone who will bring what she does to a relationship — love, loyalty, motivation and support — and says that she’s not looking to settle for any average Joe Schmoe. Nothing bothers Sydney more than people who beat around the bush, so let’s hope Matt is ready to get straight to the point with Sydney!
– Amusement parks creep Sydney out.
– Sydney is embarrassed to admit it, but growing up she LOVED the “Twilight” books.
– Sydney is allergic to avocados.
Until this moment, I had no idea you could be allergic to avocados. You learn something new every day!
Victoria
27
Queen
Los Angeles, California
Victoria, or Queen Victoria as she likes to refer to herself, has outgrown her “once upon a time” jetsetter lifestyle but not her sense of grandeur. Victoria has shifted focus towards entrepreneurship and has launched a few businesses in the health and beauty space. Victoria knows she has a big personality and needs a strong man who can keep up but who won’t be controlling in any way, shape or form. The top things Victoria’s needs in a relationship are loyalty, honesty and independence. Meditation and spirituality play a huge role in Victoria’s life and to find someone who also is would be a huge plus for her. Victoria loves romance, and with her love language being physical touch, she hopes to find someone who appreciates that side of her. Victoria truly has no filter, which she loves about herself, and plans to be very forward in her pursuit of Matt. This girl knows what she wants, and good luck to anyone who tries to stop her!
– Victoria lives for the perfect Aperol Spritz.
– The light of her life is Coco, her Goldendoodle.
– Victoria’s biggest turnoff is a man who can’t keep his room clean.
Alright, that’s it. That’s the list. Jessica and I will see you Monday night when Matt James assumes the mantle of The Bachelor. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my “break” and drown myself in some mulled box wine. Happy New Year.
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.